Feeling like I "don't belong" anywhere???

ab1234

Hi everyone,

So, I am BRCA2 positive and on Apr 30th had my PBMX w/ TEs AND my oopherctomy. Now 3 months out from surgery, I am physically doing REALLY well. I've traveleled this summer, taught a summer course, and have been exercising regularly since about week 3. I have my final exchange surgery Aug 17. Everyone in my life thinks I am the strongest, most amazing person they've ever seen. Everything should be looking up, right? 

On the inside, my relationship with my husband is falling apart. I know that my hormones have DEFINITELY been out-of-whack. I went back on my birth control pill for estrogen replacement, and I feel as though I've been much better. Sure, I still have moments where I can cry at the drop of a hat or freak out on him when we're having a minor argument, but that's all to be expected at this point, in my mind. 

Then I come on these boards and I feel even worse about my mental state when I read people's stories about dealing with my same surgeries PLUS chemo, radiation, HRT, etc. I feel similarly when I go to the hystersisters site...I still have my uterus and cervix, I no longer have risks with taking some hormones since I had my BMX, no history of fibroids or endometriosis, etc. I should realize how lucky I am and stop complaining and get it together! 

I have appts scheduled with my primary care physician to have my estrogen levels tested, and have another appt scheduled with my HRT doc to discuss any tweaks (did this for my husband...I feel as though I should give it more time before changing meds). PLUS I have my final exchange surgery in a couple of weeks and I'm so scared that the general anastesia is going to make my depression/emotions worse, and the thought of having to rely on my husband again sounds awful. (We've had a GREAT marriage of almost 10 years prior to this!) I've also reached out to a therapist to schedule an appt. 

Anyway, thanks for listening. Good luck to everyone with their respective journeys and these tough choices we are all making.  

SpecialK

ab - I am sorry that you have had to undergo surgeries to protect yourself in light of your BRCA status.  I think it is important to acknowledge that these surgeries, and the loss of your ovaries, will have at least a short-term effect on your mental and emotional state.  Don't compare yourself too much to other women who may have had more extensive issues to deal with - we all individuals and process these events differently.  You are not being fair to yourself if you feel less worthy of emotional angst because you have not had chemo, radiation, etc. Three months is not a lot of time to recover from this kind of surgery, so give yourself a break!  Seeing a therapist, particularly one who deals with this subject matter, may be invaluable for you.  Also, speak frankly to the anesthesiologist about your concerns for your upcoming surgery and how anesthesia may affect your emotional state.  Above all, allow yourself (and your relationship!) some time - this is a lot to process.  Take care of yourself and good luck! 

learnin

Ab -

When you see you family doc, is it worth discussing an anti-depressant? Even for just a few months or a year. They help for hot flashes too.



Re: "I dont belong anywhere"

Have you checked out the FORCE website? It also has an active forum, and is dedicated to women in your situation www.facingourrisk.org

BikerLee

hi there - consider getting hormone replacement therapy rather than birth control pills... with TESTOSTERONE! women need testosterone too - just not as much. and your ovaries did that job.  

i'm on hrt with testosterone, and i am soooooooo much better!  i went into menopause because of chemo, and i was feeling soooooo cruddy. 

i have an estrogen patch and progesterone capsule and testosterone cream.  and life has improved dramatically.  no more insomnia. no more crazy hot flashes. no more feeling like - what's the point of anything anymore? no more dry dry dry dry dry dry dry dry everything...  and i even seem to be interested in sex again....

so, look to the hrt appointment with some optimism.  i started feeling better within a week.  things just felt better - more positive - less dry - less hot....  what a relief!