Breast Cancer

Syork

I am 48 years old and diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer on April 24,2012.I have had 4 chemo treatments and need two more before my mastectomy.After which I will have 6 weeks of radiation.

Today is a week since my last chemo. I feel ok, but have been crying for days. I feel like I'm going crazy.

Not sure if this is normal???

jennyboog

Extremely normal!  Don't worry you're not going crazy...I did the same thing.  First you're dx and you're a basketcase, then you start chemo and that wrecks what sanity you have left.  You feel bad, you're depressed and most of us look terrible too...it's enough to drive anyone nuts.   I'm so sorry you've had to join us here, we've all been there done that so this is a wonderful site to come to for support & info.   Radiation is much, much easier, I was mostly tired and got burnt toward the end.  Even the mastectomy was easier to me than chemo, I was sore but nothing I couldn't handle...the drains were the worst part.  Best wishes as you continue tx and come here often.    

Syork

Thank you! I keep thinking I need some kind of nerve pills. I just need to get through this chemo and I think I will feel better.

Thanks for responding! I feel better!

sbelizabeth

Hi, Syork.  Are you taking any kind of antidepressant medication?  Many of us have needed pharmacological help with depression, and it's not admitting weakness to accept help when the emotional load gets too heavy.

Please talk to your oncologist about how you're feeling.  You might feel worlds better if you're depressed and get treatment for it.

Celtic_Spirit

Are you taking a steroid called decadron (dexamethasone)? They're like taking crazy pills.

My normal personality ranges somewhere between Mr. Spock and Alan Shore...pretty rational, always calm, rarely rattled. Decadron turned me into a crying, shaking, hysterical, emotional mess. I would cry when someone got killed on "CSI." Those Humane Society commercials with Sarah McLachlan singing made me sob for 20 minutes. I felt like I was losing my mind, and that scared me more than the cancer. It wasn't until chemo #4 that I learned that decadron makes some people overly emotional, others hysterical, and some even violent. Lovely, right? I wish someone had told me earlier.

Then, you add all the fear, sadness, etc., that goes with having cancer, and yes, what you're feeling is pretty normal. Talk to your oncologist about either adjusting your decadron dosage or getting some xanax. And the thing that helped me the most was having a goal...something I wanted to live for, something I wanted to do when I finished treatment. Focus on that goal, whatever it is. It really helps when you feel like giving up. Good luck!

Tazzy

Hi Syork, jennyboog, sbelizabeth & Celtic Spirit : would like to add my thoughts too.

Normal ?  What the heck is that now - ha ha !!  I couldn't agree more with what everyone has said... emotions range from sobbing wrecks to energizer bunnies, depending on our meds.  

Celtic Spirit... I am so glad you wrote that about the Sarah McLachlan commercials... I thought I was the only one who sobbed helplessly at them.

My one sanity is this site - only women  going through this know how it is. 

Do not be depressed on your own - that's why we're here together.

Take care all.

Syork

Oh, I thank you all for helping me! I am taking the steroids. I have a appointment with my oncologist next week and will ask him for Xanax.

He told me it should get better, but this time felt like total hell! The crying and not being able to sleep is really hard.

Im glad I'm here to discuss and y'all have responded!

Celtic_Spirit

Since you're seeing your oncologist soon, ask him about taking lorazapam as well. It was given to me as part of my chemo drug regimen. I took it at night before bed, and I'm telling you, I could have slept through a rock concert! I took half a xanax during the day as needed, usually when I was having something like a CT scan and was wigging out. Xanax won't make you drowsy...it just kind of disconnects the panic circuit and gives you an overall feeling of calm.

Syork

Will do, thanks! I also forgot to ask if anyone has had rapid heart rate? I'm not feeling it any more, but after chemo, I sometimes feel like my heart beat is in my throat! I keep telling myself it's nerves or the chemo. Probably the combination.

Tazzy

Some chemo drugs can cause a rapid heart beat.   Make sure you mention it to your MO next visit.   Or if it continues on, contact your chemo help line if you have one.  

sbelizabeth

Syork, my guess would be that the rapid heart rate and feeling that your heart is in your throat is a hot flash.  Sometimes that's the only sign I get and it's murder when I'm trying to sleep and I feel like I've just run a marathon.  Even if you're not menopause age, the chemo will bring on menopausal symptoms.  It's even called "chemo-pause."

We're here with you, sister.  Hang in there.

vacationbound

Syork-

What kind of chemo are they hitting you with? If it's Adriamycian then you should seriously think about taking some COQ10 as the "Red Devil" causes MVP's and PVC's. (Mitral Valve Prolapse) (Premature Ventricular Contractions) that's why I did not take any neo-adjuvant past the 1st chemo-my heart started beating so fast, they sent me home with a halter monitor-it came back with diagnosis and so they took me off chemo...Red Devil is named appropriately.....If it continues on a daily basis, you should see a Heart doctor asap. You may need a beta blocker to fix it but because I only had 1 chemo then COQ10 and aspirin worked for me, cleared up after 2 months. 

jennyboog

Celtic you have made me laugh so hard I cried!  You nailed it girl!  I never had my meds adjusted just kept driving on but maybe I should have...never knew it was the steroid.  I just noticed it made me hungrey.  Sometimes we think it's chemo but it could be the SE meds because most of us have never taken the meds until BC, right.  My first chemo they gave me Reglan, so I was taken it and was shaken like crazy, constantly.  When I would eat the food would fall off my fork, head shaken....I seriously looked like a bobble head doll.  I took it for two weeks and the whole time I thought it was a chemo SE.  I was watching TV and one of those lawyer commercials came on and it was about Reglan and shaking.  I asked my dr and was taken off immediately.   Point I was trying to make is....don't put too much thought into it, you're not crazy your world has been turned upside down, get your meds adjusted if you need to or get something to help you though.  I was given Ativan to help get me through at the beginning, two years later and I recently started Paxil, it's not weakness it's surviving.  There are better days ahead.

jdootoo

Hi Syork, ask your oncologist for a prescription for Ativan and don't let him/her say no! You are going through a really traumatic experience and have a right to medication that will help you to feel calmer.

I so remember feeling the way that you feel right now... I am over 2 years out and I can tell you that I think about my BC less and less all the time! Allow yourself to feel how you feel and fight for the right to take care of your emotional health. We are all rooting for you, wishing you all the best.

One love, Jackie 

Syork

To tell y'all the truth... I don't know what the hell they are giving me. I had to stop reading all that crap, cause I would start balling and worry about the side effects.

I will look at my paperwork in the morning.

At first I was taking the steroids wrong. Should have been 2 pills twice daily... I was taking 2 pills daily. I didn't realize until my third treatment. So, on my fourth I took them correctly. I think that's what messed me up!

And tonight my sister gave me one of her Xanax... Hoping it works! I just want to get a good night sleep!!

Syork

Ok what I see is... Doxorubicin,Cyclophosphamide & Docetaxel as far as chemo.

The steroids are Dexamethasone & I take Emend and some antibiotics for a week.

Before BC all I took was centrum & caltrate!

I now know that " normal" is only a setting on the dryer!!

Gitane

What Celtic Spirit says applies to me, too.  I was a mess due to the decadron.  I'm still mad nobody told me it was this drug that was doing it.  (I wasn't on this site in those days to learn about this, unfortunately.) It was extremely tough. I "wept and slept" my way through chemo treatment.  Hope you can sleep (decadron can mess with that, too) because it can help a lot.

Celtic_Spirit

As I suspected...dexamethasone (decadron). It will make you nuttier than squirrel crap!

fredntan

I take ambien cr 12.5 for sleep. I used to take .5 or 1 mg. xanax in evenings that was when I got most anxious. And finally got on antidepressant. Try effexor since it mixes with tamoxifin if that starts later.

And if you have teenager s in house do yourself favor and lock them up or hide them. My daughters good friend stole a lot of mine and then tried to kill himself.

These feelings are normal. the steroids would make me so shakey anxious.

Denise-G

The steroids (Decadron) caused severe mood swings for me.  I was MEAN. I finally told my Chemo nurse, and she explained what was going on.   It was terrible.  I wrote about the Mood Swings on my Blog.  It will give you a laugh.

 http://denise4health.wordpress.com/2012/05/09/mood-swings-during-chemotherapy/

Syork - watch that heart rate.  Mine skyrocketed during A/C to 120 bpm.  Finally, I had to go on heart meds.  It is down to the low 90s and still dropping.  A/C and Herceptin damaged my heart.

Momine

Celtic, you made me laugh too "disconnects the panic circuit" is extremely apt. You know you probably should be in a panic, but you just can't be bothered.



As for the steroids, that is what is called "roid rage," folks, steroids, not hemorrhoids. For some reason I barely reacted to the stuff, but my daughter turned into that little girl from the exorcist pretty much (on it for asthma), and when my mother was on it during chemo, she spent her two "roid days" running around like the energizer bunny on speed.



By the way, the roids they gave me are called methylprednisolone. Didn't make me crazy, but did make me feel hungry all the time. I was prepared for that part and just skipped eating.

kathleen1966

Hello syork.  The only day I did not cry during treatment and after was the one week I spent in Aruba after all treatment was over. I wasn't crying all day long, but once or twice a day, a good cry.  I was just soo worried about soo much and not about me really, or the mastectomy, or the baldness. Mostly the kids.

I stopped taking my steroids and I still cried. I was also on anti-depressents (celexa and Xanax).  This daily crying stopped about eight months ago. I still cry sometimes.  And I am happy to feel these feelings. I feel like I am alive then. I was 44 when in treatment and maybe some of the crying was from the hormone crash brought on by chemopause. But, as you know, it is hard going through this. So hang in there! 

clariceak

Yep. I agree with celtic spirit and others who have pointed out what havoc steroids can cause with your emotions.  I call them dementor drugs because they will take whatever fears you have and throw them back tenfold.  I begged my onc to lower my dose because they were the worst part of treatment.  Although they can be helpful for cleaning the house.

Anti-anxiety drugs can help turn down the volume on the "cancer radio".  That was awful as well.  It felt like there was a nonstop cancer loop playing.  You will get through this.  It won't be easy, but we're here to help you get to the other side.  If you ever feel desperate, hopeless, scared, please come to this this board immediately.  We all know what you're going through and it is immensely theraputic to talk to women who get it.

Celtic_Spirit

Cancer loop - that's a great description! For the first eight months after diagnosis, that's all I would think about all day - OMG, I have CANCER! And I remember wondering if I would ever stop dwelling on it. Well, I did. Now, cancer floats through my brain a couple of times a day, along with other random thoughts like Fruit Loops, motorcycles are noisy, and I need to pick up some cat food.

Ativan and xanax can really turn down the dial on the panic channel, that's for sure!

lkc

Dear Ladies.

You all have it down"pat". I was where you were 7 years ago. Seriously locked in the cancer loop. I didn't just cry. I would wail like an injuried trapped animal. I did take very advantage of the lovely pharmaceuticals available, which allowed me to sleep solidly and keep me tethered to the world, somewhat. and I was soooo Healthy, except for Stage III C  breast cancer! anyway,  Every waking hour  was consumed by BC. Little, by little though, the fears and anxiety lessened.

I will never forget those days, but I am well beyond it now. My life is now filled with happiness and good health. Trust me you will all get there!

Syork

Hello ladies! Five days ago I had my 5th. chemo treatment. My dr never gave me a prescription for Xanax. He said I was almost done and I should be ok. Well today, I was not ok! The worrying and crying set in again. I hate everything about BC! I hate that my tongue is dry and no amount of water or fluid will make it better. I hate the smell of medicine and the alcohol they put on you before they stick my port. I am sick and tired of this whole ordeal! I know I only have one more treatment to go... But I can't shake it off.

Will it ever be ok? Will I be ok? I wonder if God is getting tired of me begging Him to heal me?!

I wonder if my husband,children and grandchild will ever realize the love I have for them?

Maureen813

You need to talk to someone. Tough place to be. Did you call office and tell him you are not ok? Or call primary and talk to them. You are going through enough and you know you better than anyone else. One more word of advice if you want someone to know you love them tell them

Karina121293

Syork, it's the mixture of psychological and physical together. I imagine how tired are you from chemo. I had six of them after the surgery and it seemed like forever with all the side effects and emotions. I cried and worried all the time too. It's so normal, though at the time you think you probably going crazy. I presume you will have rads too, but that's an easier part for most of us. So when you are done with chemo, you will start feeling better, I think first physically, then emotionally. Give yourself as much time as needed to heal and recover. Even not going to hospital so often helps a lot. It's a long way, but then one day you realize you are not that bad. You will laugh more, other things than cancer will occupy your mind more and more and you will have that surge of life in a more positive and stronger way and more in control of the whole situation. And your family indeed knows how much you love them!!! Your hard fight with this disease is the proof.... Please keep going. Wish you an easy recovery, strength and peace...

pupfoster1

Oh my gosh so normal!   I in hindsite wish I had had chemo first then surgery, but what is is what is.  Don't deny your feelings.  You are going to war and need all the fight you can muster.  We'll be here to help you!!!

 Love,

Sharon