Lost my sister two months ago at the age of 23

shereamore

Lost my sister two months ago at the age of 23

shereamore

Just as my title suggests, I lost my younger sister to breast cancer two months ago.  She was diagnosed at the age of 20 with metastatic breast cancer right from the start....it had spread to her bones, most concerningly her spine and at the time, a slight, very slight shadow on her liver.  I will NEVER forget the phone call I received.  I was out for a jog, knew Jamie had had a few concerns but didn't think much of it other than she hurt herself at work (she was a CNA while in college and one day at work she heard a cracking sound in one of her ribs while coughing and then a lot of pain)...I knew she had the appointment and was just waiting for her to get a hold of me when all was done.  I got a phone call from my Aunt instead of Jamie.  She told me she has breast cancer and that things didn't look good and that we should all come to Omaha right away.  I was in a complete daze.  I am not sure why I got the phone call first, but I think it was because of my level-headedness...I called my mom...she was driving.  I asked her to slow down and pull over to the side of the road because I had something very important to tell her.  After she did so I told her the news and her first response to heading to Omaha was..."but I have to work".  I know she was in shock. 

Prior to Jamie's diagnosis, there had been subtle signs...but not anything that couldn't be written off.  She said she felt a lump a couple of days after getting her nipple pierced (rebel), but chalked it up to an infection of sorts because her nipple did get very inflamed and was draining fluid after...it retracted and she had to take the ring out.  The retraction didn't leave so she went to the doctor.  They gave her an antibiotic.  She went home. She didn't tell us.  Only until after her diagnosis which occurred six months later.  

The same week she graduated college (associate's degree in graphic design) and moved into her apartment with her boyfriend...she got the news.  I cannot, still, wrap my mind around that.  A time, when a young young girl should be having a blast and seeking a job and loving life, my sister had it all taken from her.  The first oncologist we saw was absolutely baffled.  He basically said the cancer was everywhere and offered little hope...he did not even suggest to take her off of birth control and she was hormone positive.  At that point, and because Jamie very quietly said she wanted to fight this...we told him we weren't happy with the option to do nothing.  There were many tears shed that day.  I know if it weren't for him my sister would not have been around for the next few years.  He called up a friend of his at UNMC, Dr. Cowan, and even though he was an extremely busy man, he was able to see Jamie the very next day and take her on as a patient.  I appreciate this man so much!  I do not know if, because he deals in breast cancer research if this why he chose to treat her, but he stuck by us until the very end and was very competent in his knowledge.  I shouldn't say "us"...Jamie had the cancer and fought it...we all fought our own battles during her illness and honestly..I will never be able to understand the depth of her fear, her anger, and her sadness and fight.  

I could go on and on about this battle.  Most of you here are familiar with it as caregivers.  My sister's last few months were not what you would expect.  She had married her fiance 8 months prior to things changing for her.  They had a home.  She could not work due to disability and medicaid and such...she wanted to...but she would lose her healthcare coverage.  After their wedding it seemed that her pain had increased.  But she was soooo tough.  She wanted to live as normally as possible and chose to stay with her husband instead of coming home.  I often wonder how this was for her because her husband worked late hours (as a graphic designer...they met in college) and she was alone a lot of the time due to the distances between all of us.  I would call her toward the end and she would repeat things.  Or we would text and she would repeat things as well.  I should have known.  I bought a bundle of books to send to her and her response was that she wouldn't have the time to read them.  She made many pointed remarks like this.  Jamie was considered an adult.  She kept most of her medical records from us.  I do not know why.  Her last chemo knocked her out and put her in the hospital for 7 days due to low WBC count and an underlying infection.  Once she left the hospital her pain seemed to increase and two days later she was back in the ER.  I received many phone callse that Jamie was in the ER but that she signed a privact policy and no one could come and see her.  I don't know why she did this.  Her husband paced outside...she told us she was there...but wouldn't allow us to come visit her.  I wonder it it wasn't because she knew what was happening.  It had to be this.  She eventually gave in and allowed us to visit...but then was sent to Omaha for better pain control.  It was at this point that I got a phone call.  See, we live over 7 hours away and as a nurse and my hubby being a teacher...we weren't able to get away all the time.  I will never get over this guilt because at the beginning, before we relocated, I was with her a lot throughout her appointments.  I left for Omaha immediately when her husband called to say the doctor said two days to two weeks.  See, they were so young.  I think her husband was disillusioned about a lot of things.  The months leading up to this Jamie slept more and her speech slowed drastically.  

When I walked in the room most of our siblings were there.  My husband and my son and I entered.  Jamie was my sons godmother and she loved him so much.  She cried.  I hugged her and told her it's okay.  Because seeing her then, I knew that she knew.  I knew she was also very afraid.  Her speech was slow.  She wasn't eating much.  We chatted about wedding rings.  She loved hers.  We chatted about ways to decorate our homes.  She was so creative.  She held my son.  She tried to get up many times but was very unsteady.  I helped her shower.  I helped her put makeup on.  Then the doctors came in to prepare to dismiss her home with hospice the next day.  They shook her hand.  She smiled.  

On mother's day...she turned to my mom and said that the flowers were so beautiful.  She had bought my mom a bouquet the day before for mother's day.  My mom said...yes, I know.  Thank you.  Jamie said...no, the flowers in my head.  Then she opened her eyes and said "and I'm not crazy".  She turned to her husband and said, I am going to miss you so much and I want to see you all everyday".  We told her that she would see us everyday.  That we just wouldn't be able to see her.   Then extended family came into the room and said their goodbyes.  That was the hardest.  Knowing that Jamie knew and I couldn't protect her from this.  That she knew she was going to die.  We left an hour or so later for her home.  But...Jamie didn't want this...she wanted to stop at a restaurant to eat...we were all worried...she wasn't capable of standing but we decided...let's do it and to Joe's Crab Shack we went.  She hated seafood...but she tried it all that day.  One last thing to do that was new to her.  And that is how Jamie was.  

 There's so much more to say but I won't detail you with more.  The winding down of my sister's young life is something I will never know how to bear I don't believe.  She was not ready to die and that's the hardest part for me to deal with.  When she could no longer speak coherently she pulled herself up from her slumber to say something...of which I will never know to me...she said my name and the rest was a groan and a breath and a groan...she went around the room with all of us.  I've learned that the human heart can bear a lot.  SHe saw things that weren't there.  She repeated the names of people we'd never met.  She saw our grandfather.  She asked me why I didn't see the things she saw.  I read to her.  I turned her.  Bathed her.  And then the hospice nurse checked her vitals.  She told us to call those who needed to be here.  To call the pastor that had married her and her husband.  We sang.  I watched her take her last breath.  I called her name.  We prayed.  And when we opened our eyes, the smile that wasn't there before was there.  

Thanks for reading this.  I know it was long.  But I am not doing okay and I struggle with the permanency of losing her everyday.  

RC1221

I read your post, all of it. Trying to hold back my tears now. I am so very sorry for your loss. I know sometimes when I write things down, I feel better. Hopefully, by you writing out all the details, you will feel some relief of the pain. Don't feel bad that you couldn't be there all the time. You were a strong support for your sister. And again, I am so sorry. 

camillegal

I too am so sorry--being so young, and she sounded so brave, and u all sounded close to each other and that's what u can count on now---And of course u feel your loss of her she was u'r sister and much to young to leave. She was blessed having u so u can be happy about that and u were blessed too. I wish I can say more to ease u'r pain, but whatever I say won't be enough. U were there for u'r sister when it counted remember that.

steelrose

Thank you for sharing your story. I am so deeply sorry that you lost your sister... such a young woman... it's not fair. But with your loving support she battled this disease on her own terms, and she is now at peace. My condolences to you and your family. Your sister's dignity and courage has touched me.



Love to you...

Rose.

ductal

Have you ever heard the saying BE THANKFUL FOR THE PAIN, FOR IT BEARS WITNESS TO THE DEPTH OF OUR MEANING, AND FOR THAT I WILL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL?  I thought of that old poem when I read your post.  No one can remove your pain, but hopefully with time, you will find a way to sort it out in some order so you can eventually grow more comfortable with it.  How?  So hard to say, and it may take years, but I pray each day is better for you.  Consider going to bereavement group where you live or talking with therapist?  This is so heavy and sad, it may help you to not get stuck.  Best wishes to you, and condolence to entire family.  Thank you for sharing.  Reminds me of similar situation in my family, and having cancer, we have probably had a few thoughts and questions about the end, even though cancer doesn't need to be the end.  I also believe her spirit lives on strong in you, but I guess it depends on what you believe.  Tell your family doc, get referals, meditate, anything that works for you.

Beckers

I am so very sorry for your loss. You painted an amazing picture of your sister's final days and your journey as you walked her through it. I feel like I just watched a movie after reading it and it was probably therapeutic for you to write it. I went through this with my father a few months ago and I am so grateful I got to take care of him his final days and he died at home. The fact that she was experiencing the beautiful flowers, your grandfather, etc. Is fascinating to me. I think that would give me comfort. Don't feel guilty for moving away. We all have our individual lives to lead. She had hers with her new husband and you have a family and career. I too moved away last summer and missed time with my father. We can't all be together all of the time. Just not how it's meant to be. You did your best and you were there for her when she needed you most.

Mazy1959

Sherea, I read all of your post. Im so sorry. It should comfort you to know you were there with her when she passed away. She was so young and Im sure everyone including the docs were very shocked. It happens to the very young but not often. Im stage 4 also and once in awhile I catch family members staring at me with that "look". Im not bedridden and take care of my own personal needs. I have days that I just want my close family around, days when I want no one and days when I wish I could see everyone all at once. It depends on how I feel, look and if my house is kinda clean LOL. When the pain is severe its hard to think clearly. Your body is spending so much of it's energy trying to heal that you're usually too tired for much of anything else. Add meds to all this and all you want to do is sleep or lay down and rest. I refused to let my mom help me with my first met because my brother had just died and she was having a real hard time. She had taken care of him the whole time he was sick. I feared I may die and did not want her watching that transpire. Mom died a couple yrs ago so I dont have to watch her cry this time since I have new mets. She was so afraid I'd die before her and Im so glad it didint  turn  out that way. So I guess what Im trying to say is that your sis probly had some very good reasons for not wanting to see anyone for awhile. You loved her and were therefor her and that means alot. God bless..Mazy

debbie6122

Shera- Your post made me cry, I feel your pain through your post. I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear sister, She was much to young to have lost her brave battle to this terrible disease or any reason for that matter. I wish there was something to say to comfort you but there are no words. I just hope you find some comfort and peace in knowing she is pain free and watching over you all. You have my deepest condolances sending prayers for you and all her loved her.

Gentle hugs!

Debbie

Racy

I am really sorry for the loss of your sister at such a young age. It doesn't seem right when she had her whole life ahead of her, and breast cancer is very uncommon in the early 20s.  I can only begin to imagine your pain, and your grief is so new as it has only been a very short time since your sister passed away.

I would strongly encourage you to seek some grief counselling to help you through. This loss is too much to try to bear on your own.  Please talk to your doctor as soon as possible. You may also benefit from some medication to get you through this period when the loss is still so fresh.  Medication can help you function more normally and hopefully take some of the acute pain away, though of course you will always remember your sister and feel saddened by her tragic loss.

God bless your family.

Letlet

Im so sorry. Your sister sounded like an amazing woman, wise beyond her years. Thank you for sharing her story.

eric95us

I am so sorry you are forced to go through this. Those are only words, but that's all I have.



I was in the same place as your brother in law. I managed to muddle through things on my own, but counseling probably would have saved a few years..



In reality I got lucky because I found a friend that is so close that we may as well share brains. Without that friend, I probably wouldn't have managed.



So, please do consider counseling.



Eric

jenn333

What a beautiful tribute to your sister to tell her story.  It made me cry.  I'm so sorry for your loss.  Your sister was lucky to have you, and you her.

sarika_for_mama

beautifully written. ((((virtual hugs)))