Apathetic survivor

Blue319

Apathetic survivor

Blue319

I am a 50+ 5-year survivor who had a lumpectomy and went through a grueling chemo and radiation treatment.



I was pretty much alone during chemo. Actually drove myself to and from infusions (which horrifies me now when I look back on it). Going through treatment alone taught me how self-sufficient I am.



Here's the problem. Cancer did not make me appreciate life. I don't take proper care of myself. I'm lazy and don't eat right. For five years I've been telling myself I need to take better care of myself, but I keep slipping back into laziness. In a way, I just don't care.



I'm scared of the cancer coming back and I'm absolutely terrified of dying, but I have NO motivation to live a healthier lifestyle. I've seen therapists and come out with a positive attitude...which fades as I go through my daily routines.



How can I be so scared of my health going downhill, but so apathetic about taking better care of myself?

GrandmaV

Blue319,  welcome and congratulations on 5 years cancer free.  I'm not sure if I'm feeling the same way as you are, but I do find it very difficult to maintain changes I know I need to do.  It's overwhelming to know what to eat, what exercises to do, what supplements to take, etc.  I've always found it difficult, though, to maintain lifestyle changes that I know are good for me, even before diagnosis.   I've struggled with weight all my life and have lost and gained the same 40 pounds dozens of time.  I think you hit the nail on the head, when you said you slip back into laziness.  That's me too.  I'm 57 years old and have a lifetime of habits, and comfort foods that are really ingrained.  What I really need is someone to be accountable to who has been there.  Most of my family and friends are enablers, who spoil me and don't give me the support I need to continue to make healthy changes.   So what I'm doing at the moment is making small changes, a little at a time.  I'm continuing to do research on what fights cancer and make a list, of foods, supplements, exercises, attitudes, etc., that I want to incorporate into my life.  I try to prioritize that list, from most important to the least.  I try to only put on the list, those things that have some science behind them, such as clinical studies, trials, and so forth.  The list is long, but by only doing 1 thing at a time, I've found it is so much easier to do and stick with.   When I feel that particular thing is a part of me now, and I can keep it up, then I move on to the next thing, while maintaining the others.  I don't know if this will work for years, or not, because I've really only just started after radiation was done in March, but so far I'm able to do it this way.  Also, for me, I battle low self esteem and feel like I don't really deserve to be healthy, I've gotten into a bad habit of telling myself I'm stupid, and I hate myself, and because of some childhood trauma, I'm always surprised when someone likes me and suspicious of their motives. So that's my biggest challenge, is to change my attitude, and that doesn't happen in a day, a week or even a year, it will take time. Don't be too hard on yourself when you slip back,   and know that many of us are struggling with this same issue.   You must be doing something right, because you've accomplished so much in your fight against this horrible disease.   You'll have a lot of support here and you're not alone.  Explore this site and you'll find a thread that you'll fit right into. I wish you a long and happy life. hugs.

curveball

Blue319, Feelings of apathy and low motivation might be symptoms of clinical depression. Did you ask your therapist whether you might be depressed? If you are, resolving the depression may help you get more motivated to make the changes you want to make. 

Blue319

Thank you for your answers and encouragement.



Clinical depression is definitely a problem for me. I have been on Wellbutrin for the past 4 years. The doctor has let me try different anti-depressants including Lexapro, Celexa, Effexor... They all make me so sleepy I can't function. On weekends I would sleep almost all day. Also, I didn't mention that I have ADHD.