In desperate need of advice

momzg1rl

Hi All:  My mother has Stage IV BC with brain mets. We have opted to forego any further treatment and become part of the Hospice family. My question to all of you is what can I do to help make this experience easier for her?  She is my best friend as well as my Mom. It is so important to me that I do the very best that I can for her.  We are so incredibly close that I am going to be lost without her, but right now my entire focus is her and how to make this journey as comfortable as possible.  When I ask the medical care staff they are very reassuring and kind, but it's almost like they are afraid to be plain spoken.  I know that all of you have a wealth of information from experience and I would sincerely appreciate any advice you are willing to share.

By the way....as I was typing this message my daughter called to tell me that she just helped Gma with her shower and the cancer is ulcerating thru her skin.....that happened when we first got diagnosed too..........Ugh!!!!

Prayers Please!!!!

kayfh

Keep her as close to you as you can and let her know that it is ok for her to go when she is ready. Love her, insist that all pain, anxiety be addressed, pharmaceutically as well as physically and emotionally.

LRM216

I think Kayfh said all there is to say.  Just remain by her side as much as you can, tell her you love her, and yes, definitely tell her that it ok for her to physically leave you - and all the pain and suffering.  With Hospice by my side, I really did not have to insist or demand anything, as they were so "on top" of everything.  My situation was a complete mirror image of yours, as I had to say goodbye to my daughter (not from cancer), not my mom.  Sort of a reversal of the laws of nature if you will.  No separation due to death is ever easy, no matter what the order, or the age.  God bless you all.  I wish your mom a peaceful and serene journey.

Beckers

My father died of cancer in Mar. We brought him home and had hospice. The family was there. My Dad kept asking how long it will be and kept getting told no one knows but God type of answer. Well, the palliative care doctor had said it would be days after blood test results, based on kidneys shutting down, etc, so...I told my Dad he was probably in his last week and he was happy to hear this. Find out how your Mom is most comfortable now while she can tell you because you will have to eventually make sure she is comfy as possible once she's bedridden. Keep a journal of what she says. I wish so much I had. My Dad joked up to the end and I find myself wishing I could remember everything we talked about. You think you will remember at the time, but it's hard. My Mom has a lot of regrets for not talking to him more. At the time, she avoided talking about his death because she couldn't keep from crying. I wish I would have encouraged her to after seeing her pain now. We took pics on his last trip to casino ( which was his dying wish - he died 2 weeks from diagnosis so not a lot of time). I treasure the pics and memories even tho he doesn't look very healthy in them. Read about what happens and hospice will let you know when it is the end. We turned on country music, dimmed the lights and I had to be the spokesperson (as it was difficult for the other family members) and we told stories and reminisced about our happiest and funniest times. They say hearing is still intact even when you don't think they are aware. I saw evidence of that when I had my last time with him and told him what a great father he was, etc. And a tear rolled down his cheek. Also, he answered us once and made facial expressions as we talked. It was a painfully beautiful experience that I feel so blessed to have had. Also take advantage of getting a good nights sleep when hospice is there. Remember hospice is all about doing what makes her happy and most comfortable. My dad wanted to smoke a cig so we took him out, one day all he ate was a Sees chocolate, another day it was rocky road ice cream and not much but he was tired of doctors and it was his rodeo now. I loved hospice. I feel for you. God bless.

lisagwa

When my Mom left the hospital and returned home (she had a diff cancer, not BC), Hospice gave me several free easy reading small books. There were 2 that I found helpful, a book which suggested How To Talk To Your Loved One and another book which guided about the Dying Process and what to expect. In addition to these books, I requested that the Chaplain and Social Worker from Hospice visit separately and at different times. They formed a relationship individually with me and with my Mom. Their guidance and visits helped.



The last week before my Mom passed I slept on her couch in her room, not sure if she knew I was there, but it was what I wanted to do.



Maybe some of the women in Stage IV have a thread for caregivers that would be helpful. (((Best wishes to you and your family.)))

barbe1958

momz, you have my prayers, but I'm sure the time has come and gone and I hope you had an opportunity to read what these women have said. I am crying now as I read some of these posts as it brings back when my Dad died. He had him in hospice in a hospital unit (same as my Mom was) so that the nurses could take care of body functions and the morphine was quickly injected. (Both my parents wanted to retain their dignity to the end. My Dad had been horrified when he was expected to change his Mom's diaper when she was dying at home.) He, too, was very funny at the end and my daughter and I stayed with him for 3 days over New Years. I called my sister on New Years Day and told her to come in. She asked what had changed and I told her that Dad wasn't funny any more. While I had been in the bathroom, my Dad had woken up (from his coma!!) and told my daughter that in 24 hours he'd be gone. And he was!! I began to cry when I realized I had never told my Dad what a good Dad he was!!! When I read Beckers post I just lost it....

Mind you, he did introduce me to his visiting nurse (while still at home) as his daughter "the mouth", so there weren't a lot of fuzzy feelings all the time. He also said I gave off too much energy and often asked me to leave the room. I did talk to him about dying and if he was scared. He said only of the pain, and I was able to promise him that we would keep him painfree and we did. Hospice is amazing! They totally understand what the dynamics are and there is NO drama.