I look for other flat chested women. A rant.

Linda-n3 · September 2012

Greenfrog, you are SOOOO right: we all have to navigate this in our own way, and it definitely takes time to find what works. There are so many of us, all with breast cancer, which turns out to be over 10 different diseases to start with, and then each of us has an individual set of genes and life experiences, which makes each of our journeys unique.

We come here to share those experiences with others who have only one basic thing in common: breast cancer, in its widest terminology. Some with ductal, some with lobular, some inflammatory, some Paget's, some very unusual and uncommmon types. Some of us have aggressive tumors which will never completely respond to treatment, some will have early and less aggressive tumors that require much less treatment and may never progress. Some of us will live more than 30 or 40 years past diagnosis, some of us will die very quickly despite doing all we can do with the most aggressive treatment regimens.

And so this morning I give thanks as I begin my day, for my BCO friends, who listen, share, and support each other here. We ARE all unique, but it is in the sharing that we find our own path, the experiences of others that we can try out for ourselves to see if it feels right, then accept or reject and move on, and share our own experiences with others, who can then do the same.

BoobsinaBox · September 2012

Very well said, Linda-n3!

Erica3681 · September 2012

Greenfrog and Linda,

I just want to thank you both for sharing your thoughts. This is why I keep coming back to BCO, because of women like you. While we each have to find our own path, I know mine has been transformed by the people I've met here and what I've learned from them.

Greenfrog, I admire your bravery in tossing out all those expensive bras and breast forms. I've managed to do that with my pre-bc bras (after about five years!), but still haven't been willing to give up having a variety of bra and breast form options, even when some of them are so uncomfortable I haven't used them in years.

Barbara

pip57 · September 2012

It is a path, isn't it. I have 'evolved' to were I am now in my thinking and actions concerning the way I handle my own situation. Others who are checking out their own options need to know that we didn't just wake up one morning had it all figured out. I went through my own share of bras and foobs.

River_Rat · September 2012

Pip, how true. At six years out I've gone from wearing silicone forms even though they were painful, to wearing foam, to only wearing something when I really felt I needed to, to microbead (but only when I felt I needed to), to realizing I really didn't need to wear them at all. Then finally finding some silicone ones that weren't horribly painful (I wore them all day long for the first several days I had them) to realizing I can wear them if I want to, which for me has ended up meaning that when my chest feels tight I wear them for a few hours and then go back to flat. It has been a long winding path.

kathindc · September 2012

Greenfrog, Linda-n3, Erica, Pip57 thank you for your posts. Your comments really hit home. Very thought provoking regarding our personal journeys. Each is different, yet somehow we can relate to what each other is going through.

I had made up my mind to live flat before my surgery so I have not experienced dealing with foobs even though my surgeon wrote a script for me to get them. At times, I have toyed with the idea of getting them but reading comments here brings me back to my original thinking. This site is such an educational one. I experience tightness as well to the point it makes me feel heavy chested. It amuses me when that happens because I was big busted and never felt that heavy. I thought I was the only one not to get rid of my pre-bc bras (had just bought some pretty lace ones before I started my path to flatness). After surgery, I was going to have a bra burning. Can't bring myself to letting them go. Not like anything will grow back! Just came back from a trip to the west coast where the east coast part of the family met up with the rest of the family living in Japan. I thought I would be very self conscious. I wasn't. I find I go about my daily life as I did before. I can't be bothered if someone is uncomfortable around me, I am who I am. I will educate if asked but rarely am. What really helps is how supportive my husband has been through all of this. I must say, I give better hugs because there is nothing in the way. Sorry for rambling, rainy weather here in DC.

pip57 · September 2012

Kath, I like your attitude. Good for you. When the time is right, you will let go of the bras. Some make it a ceremonial thing..I just threw mine in the garbage. I couldn't believe how many I pulled out of the back of the drawers!

Linda-n3 · September 2012

Pip, I have lots of trouble tossing things out - keep thinking they "could be used for something" - why would anyone keep a drawer full of old panties and underwear "just in case I need an extra"? I do laundry frequently enough, there is no way I am going to choose one of those ratty-looking garments as my underwear-du-jour! I need to just toss them into the garbage! I participated on a decluttering thread here on BCO last year - need to get back over there to get motivated to toss this stuff out! They don't need to be taking up space in the back of my dresser drawers! Laughing

Chirps · September 2012

Another flattie here! Been tagging along reading for awhile but after LOL about Linda-n3's rattie undies, I just can't stay away anymore. OMG I'm so not alone on so many fronts. Pun intended.

Used to think BMX was a kind of motor bike; didn't especially want one of those, either.

My first bra was for my biopsy day. Not quite literally, but I almost never wore one before BC (no need and none the right size) and had to go buy one just for that. So I have no new "freedom" about "not needing" a bra now. In fact, the tightness (sx scars) feels like I have a perm band across front of my chest. Small price.

But I got all outfitted with really good foobs (insurance paid), for my psychological security apparently; they keep my ratty undies company in the drawer. Foobs are bigger than what was "real life" but they are the smallest that seemed practical given bra sizes. According to my imagination, it's sort of strange to strap "things" onto my body just to look like something I never looked like anyway. I know, it could be that it's just different for me...

But I still sweat about "how does this look" ... the mind is a powerful thing... yet once out the door, I forget about it all. I look ppl in the eye and smile, and you know what? Nobody really cares about my chest. I have found this easy to "prove" to myself. Family. Friends. Strangers. Acquaintences. But still not bold enough to do the plain Ts or tanks. I like the soft tank underneath just like many of you; kind of a security blanket even 2 yrs post-sx.

And seeing the momentum that this group of great gals is building, I just might pull out my formerly-fave Ts next summer and wear them without a third thought.

I think it's great that we can join together in making flatness more okay (following in the steps of LindaLou, Erica, Barbe, and others that helped me hugely before), so those that follow all of us might not have to struggle as much with this kind of choice. I have more thoughts to share about how/why "expectations" often seem to push for reconstruction, but for a later time. Don't get me wrong, I love that women can have the recon option!

Linda-n3 and others who have mentioned private pics, we could do a site on shutterfly and make it "by invitation" only. I could set it up but would like some help in playing gatekeeper. Just a thought... We could do scars (mine are cuved, a last minute request for something more "natural" looking! lol) and outfits, whatever helps.

One other thought for now, I think there's someone on bco who collects some MX things for those who can't afford to buy, so those who still have useful mx items to part with, that's an option worth considering...

Outfield · September 2012

Oh, I love this thread.

Linda, I have found a way to resist parting with my old undies and unmatched socks. I turn them to rags! Each has a little surgery of its own so it never re-enters the clothing drawers (undies get cut up the side-seams) and we use the for everything around the house, in place of paper towels or kitchen sponges. Makes me feel good for using cloth unti it truly can stand no more, and if we change them out every day they never stink like regular kitchen sponges.

I couldn't bear to do that to my old bras. I only have a couple. I gave the others to my partner after my surgery. My diagnosis came at the tail end of nursing - that was so hard - and one of them is a stretched out old nursing bra. What a wonderful experience nursing was. I may bury it at some point. It feels like cancer was a huge ocean I crossed between being young with babies and being older with little people who are truly kids. Babies don't keep.

My blank chest still feels like such a symbol of loss to me, but not of my appearance. Loss of being young enough to have a little baby (well, I had them old), loss of sex unencumbered by mourning my nipples, loss of my ability to ignore my mortality. If foobs could give me back any of those things, maybe I'd wear them.

Anonymous · September 2012

After wearing silicone implants on the inside for several years, I knew after I deconstructed and had the implants removed I would go form free. That and the fact my chest is now far from smooth and bras are bad for my truncal lymphedema kind of seals the deal. Glad I never bought any forms, but I still save the big fiberfill poofies that came with my surgical cami. I don't miss wearing a bra at all.

A few months before I was diagnosed, I cleared out my old bras and bought fresh. I found some really nice ones, too. A couple of them I never wore, and a few only once or twice. None of those fit me after my recon even though I was a similar size. They only made me sad when I saw them in the drawer, so I knew they needed to go. I posted a thread on the reconstruction forum and gave them away to newly reconstructed ladies who now needed new bras. They were snapped up quickly by a few women and I mailed them off. I love that we all help each other here.

http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/44/topic/729887?page=1#post_1261990

CLC · September 2012

Outfield... Your words moved me, resonated...particularly about sex:

My blank chest still feels like such a symbol of loss to me, but not of my appearance. Loss of being young enough to have a little baby (well, I had them old), loss of sex unencumbered by mourning my nipples, loss of my ability to ignore my mortality. If foobs could give me back any of those things, maybe I'd wear them.

I do think about my missing breast whenever I have sex with my husband. It is not fraught with devastation or even much sadness now. But I think about it. I wish I didn't have to. Maybe some day, I won't.

pip57 · September 2012

Does anyone else do the 'bend over' check when buying tops? I just lean over and check if the top is so loose that people (ie customers) can see my chest. So many tops look great but fail that test.

River_Rat · September 2012

Pip, yes I do that. But if I really like the top and it looks good on a flat chest I buy it anyway and just wear a cami.

Linda-n3 · September 2012

I have to admit, I never even heard of the bend-over check .... I hate shopping, usually purchase my shirts from my favorite online sources - I have tended to a "preppy look" since the 1980's - getting harder to actually find plain shirts, skirts, slacks and jackets - but I must have nearly everything I purchased that hasn't worn out since the beginning of my professional life. However, shirts and slacks DO wear out, and styles have changed, things don't fit the way they used to, and now I have this darned chest stuff to deal with.... am still mulling that bend-over check.... just struck me as interesting/entertaining/amusing to consider ..... nice way to wake up with coffee in hand....

Cool for today!!!!

Outfield · September 2012

I do that for sure. The last thing I want is someone looking down my shirt at work.

Ironically, I have had a much harder time finding pants than shirts since my breast cancer diagnosis. I have very broad, muscular shoulders and I fit into a lot of women's tops better now than I did with my fairly-large chest. But I never had any hips, and then I lost weight with chemo and ended up with a very small, uncurvy lower body (to match my medium size uncurvy top). I'm really a boys' size 12 or 14. That would be OK if I could go to Old Navy, buy some boys' 14's, and head off to work. But that's not going to happen. It's been so hard to find pants small enough. I tried girls' departments (worse than boys' for work-wear) and a ton of on-line stuff. Finally have found two brands I can order.

It is damn good I'm not a clothes horse.

pip57 · September 2012

Reitman's is great for pants like that. Do you have Reitman's in the US?

MT1 · September 2012

I am all for keeping a private photo pool.

I really want to see what clothing you like as a half/flatty. I want to be able to evaluate what you would like to see in clothing made for you and your new body. For me, I like button down floral print shirts. They are a bit distracting and vibrantly fun. As a full flatty, I also wear t shirts, tight is better, I refuse to bag out and 'cover up'. I do tend to agree with what someone on this board said, the lower my neckline, the more feminine and female I feel and am received.

I like the bend over check, but I like to flash my scars too. This body is rad gorgeous, it got me through this bum trip and I am celebrating it!

Momine · September 2012

I have been thinking that with the bras gone, it would be cool to do some clothing with variations on a bare back.

greenfrog · September 2012

I would be very happy to do the private photo pool idea - keen to see what others are wearing!

happyraccoon · September 2012

yaaaaaaaayyyyy!! I'm sooo glad to meet you!! Me? Flat like you!!

And LOVING it!! And I'm old enough now (43) I really don't care if people notice. But, so far, they really don't seem to. It must be because I like this shape so much better! I am more at home in my body than ever! Seriously. Even my clothes look better. I'll post pictures if you want.

I'm with you. And I want to meet up with other breast free women. Just to celebrate.

happyraccoon · September 2012