Managing the Ups and Down

evergreen9

Yesterday on my way to appt with pulmonary specialist, I envisaged my funeral, as I was to get the 'final answer' re a nodule that had appeared in my lung 4 months ago. Turns out it disappeared, was likely only an infection or inflammation. So on the drive home I planned my next dinner with friends. I have gone to breast cancer support groups, but was usually the highest risk person, and was discouraged when others said, "I was just so glad it wasn't triple negative or Her2". I do read a lot, and am aware of the fact, as my oncologist says, that I have a high-risk cancer. I have a lot of difficulty facing having to leave my wonderful life, super husband, daughters and friends, as well as worrying re the impact of my death on my daughters in particular (adults, but nevertheless ...). So i busy myself in my favourite hobbies, leave the housework till another day, organize the house and files "in case", spend quality time with my dear ones. Yet I have this dark cloud following me, especially now that my treatment has ended, always "watching my back".

How are others feeling and coping?

kerri72

I'm feeling the exact same way as you. And it sounds like I'm coping the same way as you too, just trying to live my life to the fullest while bracing for (even expecting?) the worst. I finished treatment 9 months ago and have had some nice stretches where I feel "normal" and go for entire days without thinking about cancer. Other times I feel that dark cloud following me and just can't shake the fear/dread/depression.

I've had a couple scares that turned out to be nothing, and can totally relate to your story about the two drives - the one on the way to the doctor picturing your funeral and the one on the way home picturing dinner. It's enough to give you whiplash. But I have decided that, whether I have one year or thirty years left, I don't want to spend too much of my time worrying. So I've been trying to let the fears and darkness come up, wash over me, and then just go away without feeding them too much. It helps to have something totally unrelated to turn my thoughts to.

Another thing that's helped me keep things in perspective is spending time with a friend who's Stage IV. She's facing death at a much more immediate level from me, looking at leaving behind 3 kids (the youngest is 13), while I may or may not die from this and have no children to leave behind. I try to stay grateful for what I do have. But it's hard.

Anyway, I just wanted to chime in to tell you that I completely relate to what you're feeling. I wish we didn't have to go through this! But you're not alone.

Kerri

stephib

Thank you both for your posts.  They hit at just the right time and I totally understand how you're feeling.  I rarely post but read daily.  You all make me smile.  My last chemo was last Thursday, though I still have the year of Herceptin and I started tamoxifen Monday.  I'm 34, single, no kids, a high school chemistry teacher, and have a wonderful group of family and friends supporting me.  I have handled treatment very well.  Other than having a double mastectomy and being bald, I haven't had too many side effects from treatment.  My attitude is great 95% of the time, but the other 5% I worry so much that I think I could make myself sick on my own.  So, I guess the dark cloud follows me too.  I suppose the best thing to do is focus on the positive and all the things that make me the happiest.  Thanks for reminding me that I'm not alone.