Hi...

tuesdays

Hi...

tuesdays

New around here..not really the place you wanna be ehh? I got the news today that my grandma who has been my bestfriend since I was too young to remember has breast cancer. To say I am crushed is an under statement, although I am sure you all can understand. My mantra all day has been "breast cancer does not mean death" I dont know maybe Im a morbid place.

Everyone keeps telling me how sorry they are. I wanna scream back in there face that I dont want them to be sorry I dont want it to be true. I wanna wake up from this sick nightmare. 

 My grandma is 81 years old with Alzchiemers (sp). It sounds really bad, but honestly Im glad. She has no idea she has cancer. The day after her biospy I visited her she told me how she just had a normal doctor appointment, routine was her choice of words. Aint that something. We did tell her, and she did yell at us about how they arent going to chop off her breasts but half hour later she had no idea what we were talking about told us how she didnt have breast cancer simple as that. 

 I always thought how one day I would go visit her and she would have no idea who I am and that has always crushed me. But today I thought maybe that wont happen? See told ya morbid or what? 

Is that a normal reaction? What is normal when it comes to this? Just sucks. Tell me Im at least not a freak for thinking this way? My boyfriend looks at me like I am. 

Tazzy

Hi Tuesday - I just came across your thread and am so sorry that you have to go through this.   First of all you are  not a freak OK.  You are upset and angry and have every right to be so.    There is no 'normal' way to react or feel when you hear this kind of news.  You can only go with YOUR emotions at the time.   Sometimes we feel OK and upbeat, other times not so much.

You have found us here and this is the most amazing community of women and support you could ever ask for. 

Here is your safe haven.  You can rant, bitch, whine, scream, cry, yell - none of us judges.   Just get it out of your system.

Take care and please keep in touch.

eric95us

You are not a freak for worrying about your grandmother...that's what your thought of "will she die before she is gone" is all about...concern and worry. You *are* normal.



I too wish that waking up would make this cancer crap go away.



As for what is normal... I haven't figured that out. I doubt anyone has.. But I do know cancer sucks.. a lot...and it unleashes every feeling and emotion you can have.



Eric

tuesdays

Thank you Tazzy and Eric, I was hoping I wouldnt be judged for what I was thinking. I know I feel like I am when I talk with my bf about it so I really havent been.

 I guess I should introduce myself, it just completely got away from me in my first post. My name is Nikki, Im not sure what else to add about myself.

June 1st I found out that she had the lumps. 3 lumps. I think right then and there I knew. None of the family has any idea how long she has had the lumps for because as I mentioned she has alzheimers. She told me she noticed them in the beggining of May, but she told her doctor that she has had them for 3 years. In reality she probably has no idea. Like I mentioned she has already forgotten that she has cancer.

 After I was told of the lumps we had to wait for June 8th for her biopsy. I dont really know what is true of what happened at the biopsy because my dad is kinda tender when it comes to talking about his mothers breasts with me..I can understand but then at the same time not really. Anyway from what I was explained before the biopsy they were going do to the biopsy on all 3 lumps and then remove the largest lump. Well they ended up removing 1 lump and then half of another. No idea why they didnt take all 3, maybe they couldnt get the other one? And then yesterday morning we got the call about the results.

We are now waiting to hear back from her insurance company to see if they will cover a MRI and a CT scan. Its horrible that we have to wait to hear if they will cover something she has to have in order to find out how bad the cancer is.

Last night was a horrible night. I guess Im just going to have good and bad days? Hours? Minutes? I seem to be fine one minute and then something as simple as one random thought about anything can set me off.

I hate cancer. Im sure we all do.

 Anyway thank you for the support, and Im glad I found this forum. It seems like everything else I found was geared for the person itself, and while they do need support the family and friends also need the support.

Any advice for us? Anything we should be doing? Please anything we are so green when it comes to this, a whole new ball park for all of us.

nikki

Tazzy

Hi Nikki.

I can understand how your Dad must feel... maybe as scared as you and there are many men who can express their feelings as well as women... but then we have Eric here.   After all it is his Mum !  Keep talking to him about it, whether he wants to or not.   I live in Canada and my parents are in the UK so had to tell them over the phone.  At first my Dad didn't want to talk about it, own up to his eldest daughter having cancer...but now we talk about it and he wants to know about how I am doing, how the treatments are going etc.   Its scary for everyone and  people handle these things very differently from the next.  There is no right or wrong way.

Advice...???  OK make sure that you write down the questions you want to ask the healthcare team... and remember, there is no such thing as a stupid question.   None of us really know anything about cancer until we are thrown into this C world, then suddenly we need to know and there are new words, and treatments and so much information.   Write down the answers your healthcare team give you, if you don't understand ask them to explain.    Stay away from Dr. Google... it will scare the crap out of you even more.    Explore this website... there really is so much great information here.   Make sure there are at least 2 of you when you meet with the healthcare team.

Waiting to hear whether insurance will cover a basic healthcare need can only be adding to your frustration.   Fingers crossed it is covered for you.

And yes, one minute you will be fine and not even really thinking about it (although in reality it is always in the back of your mind) then suddenly you'll find yourself crying your eyes out and feeling really crap.  That's OK - as I said before, do not bottle up these emotions.  Also the slightest thing can set you off... or nothing at all will set you off.

Take care and keep us updated of how its going... and how you are doing.

Michele

tuesdays

Michele you really nailed it all right on the head. Its definitely going to always be in the back of my head now.

I have been writing down a ton of questions. Research calms my brain sometimes so thats what I threw myself into when I learned of her lumps. Massive amounts of research. About everything and anything that it could possibly be with lumps. For most it scares them but for me it perpares me. Odd, I know. I dont like to feel uneducated about something. I felt like I had to know everything and anything. I feel like it kinda did soften the blow. Obv it was going to hurt me so amazingly bad, but I think I was in a much better place yesterday. Of course I had that one huge massive cry when I got the call but I pulled myself together rather quickly and thus started my research again, finding myself led here

 I wanna go to every doctor appointment she has but I know realisticly most likely that is not going to happen. I just want to hear everything straight forward from her doctor and not 2nd or 3rd hand!

 This waiting game of it all really sucks. I just want to know.

nikki

eric95us

I've done the cancer thing twice. Once with my fiancee and with my wife (different people). It will forever suck...the whole thing.....



The waiting is bad. But, what I thought was worse was how the dividing line between good news and bad news would shift. What once would have been horrible news is suddenly "good" because it wasn't something even worse and then the "something worse" becomes the new good news because it could be worse......



If you can, get on the list of those people that can be given information about her condition, diagnosis and other medical information...otherwise you won't get anything at all.



I will be fine for awhile, then it will sneak up on me and I'll have to go off and recompose myself and then I'll be Ok for awhile..





Eric

Tazzy

Yep...no doubt about it - the waiting is the worst - it sucks.   No matter what the news is, once you know you have a plan and can move forward.

You do what is right for you at the time Nikki.  As I said, there is no right or wrong way.  

Eric that is so true eh?   You are fine for a while..then suddenly - its a sneaky bugger and will sneak right on up without you expecting it.

And definitely get on the list of people that will be given information.

Cancer Sux...no matter how it affects you.  Stay strong and remember we're here for each other.