For aquest, a husband, who feels abandoned

HealingDreams

Aquest, I cannot copy and paste relevant parts of your post, so I will try to summarize briefly. You wrote that you are grateful to be with your wife but are finding a marriage of abstinence (4 years) and abandonment emotionally painful. You think that your wife's wish for abstinence might be due to dose dense treatment and you want to understand. You are in so much pain that you are thinking of leaving.

There were several helpful posts in response, suggesting medical and psychological interventions, and also one women who found it difficult to have the discussion in the surgery forum. So, I decided to post here in hopes that you could find my response, aquest, and those of others as well.

~

As I am at the beginning of my journey with cancer, just past surgery, I cannot speak personally about the effects of radiation or chemotherapy.

I can tell you, though, that if you feel abandoned, it is likely that your wife also feels abandoned. I also want to tell you about a wonderful way to address this.

One of the things that my husband and I explored pre-cancer and I'm hoping will save us through this turmoil is karezza. It is a form of warm, gentle sex that emphasizes loving, giving touch. In fact, Marnia Robinson has written Cupid's Poisoned Arrow as a way to help couples understand what karezza is and how to transition to it from traditional sex. (See also reuniting.info)

Regardless of whether or not you wish to engage in all that karezza entails, the key element of regularly being together and loving each other with hands and eyes, not necessarily genitals, will go a long way towards helping with intimacy in your marriage.

The other thing that was new to me and that you need to understand is in Diana Richardson's books. She has one for men and one for women. Read both. The key thing to understand is that women's positive poles for sexuality are our breasts, especially our nipples. Our breasts and nipples need a lot of attention for us to enjoy sex.

So, now you see some of the dilemma. What happens with the trauma of lumpectomies and multiple biopsies? What happens with mastectomies? What about the nearly constant physical examination of our breasts by multiple doctors? What about the nearly constant reminders that our breasts are implicated in our disease?

One hopeful note is that my understanding from another karezza practitioner who had a mastectomy is that the feeling of her missing breast returned under the loving care of her partner.

I encourage you to read the three books and visit the web site I have recommended. You probably hit the jackpot when you chose and married your wife. I think you can reclaim that love.