Do you remember me and my mom

mimi1030

Hello there,



I am not sure if anyone will remember me, but I spent a few years coming in here for my mom who was diagnosed with stage 1 her2 positive breast cancer almost 8 years ago. After 3 years cancer free it spread to her liver, she underwent chemo again and it banished the cancer in the liver she was cancer free for another 3 years. In January 2010 she was diagnosed with brain mets about 20 of them. She underwent WBR, chemo and tykerb. The tumors were reduced to 3 small tumors she had the cyber knife 2 times to try to zap the remaining. After 12 surgeries years of chemo and radiation, my 57 year old mother is in hospice. She began to forget things little by little, then she was unable to drive anymore. Then she became unable to understand or recognize simple things and then eventually one day she couldn't talk to us. We thought she had a stroke they place her in ICU but it was not a stroke nor was it the cancer. She had severe brain damage residual of the WBR she had 2 years ago, she now had dementia. My sister and I had to pack her up and move her to LA so my sister could watch over her but my mom began falling at my sisters house because of all the stairs, mom would wonder around in the dark and fall and hurt herself. Beside ourselves we took her to a Los Angeles hospital as thins we're declining so fast we couldn't keep up. Afraid she would fall and seriously injure herself we needed help. There is just us 3 girls, myself the oldest am 39, my younger sister who is 30 and the very youngest who is 16 next month. We are from England so all our family is back in the UK so we have no one to help us. I live in New Mexico my sister in LA. We packed mom and my little sister up and moved them to LA. My mom never lived the desert, don't blame her there, but she wouldn't move here so we took her to LA. The doctors did lots of tests and said there is no way we cando anymore brain radiation the damage is severe and the best thing you can do so she doesn't suffer is let her be and have some life free of sickness and chemo side effects. The tykerb destroyed her inside she could eat her diarrhea was uncontrolable. she was dehydated and didnt know where she was or who we were. It's awful to watch my young vibrant mother fade away from us. I am devastated I want to be with her but can't because I am getting married in September and money is tight I spent all my savings on my last 2 trips to California. I miss her so much and am afraid she will forget me. I try everyday to call her at hospice but she does communicate well, I just tell her I love her and miss her and hope she hears me. She won't likely be here for my wedding, she won't be there to walk me down the aisle. I don't have a father you see, she is my only parent. I hate what this disease has done to my family to my mother who is too young to leave me. She has not had any chemo or radiation for 3 months she is declining and the doctors don't think she will make another 6 months. She can't walk anymore and she is hallucinating too, she thinks she is feeding herself all the time and chews on her fingers thinking its food. She stares into space and my sister said its so sad to see her completely in another place. I wish I could hug her and kiss her, but I can't I am stuck out here and I can't even get her on the phone. Most days I teeter between sadness and anger. My sister gets to see her and I feel guilty because I can't, she all forget me first and I was the first to come into her life she won't know it's my 40th birthday in August which also marks 8 years to her diagnosis. Yes, she was diagnosed on my 32nd birthday. Nice present. I don't want her to leave me, I want her to be there at my wedding and see my children that I have not been able to have yet due to medical problems with my own ovaries, but I hoped soon to have help and bring grandchildren to her life. I feel cut off from everything and guilty because I can't see her and be with her. I need her to know that I love her and that's might not have been the best daughter but I did my best and I don't know if she knows that. It's torment every day having to listen to what bits of information I get, when my phone rings and it's my sister I dread what is on the other end. Cancer has taken everything from us and we are at the end almost and I am mad as hell. I don't know whether to scream or cry most days. How do u get through this? How do you prepare for losing your mother the only person who has ever been there. There will be no one to take her place, it will be an empty space that nothing can fill. I am not sure if anyone is left here that was here in the years I spent but if anyone has anything to offer on what to do that would be a god send.



God bless you all

Michelle

kayfh

You have made a life and a love where you are. Your mom did the same when she made a home and life in a new country. The fact that you live at a distance from each other is part of the life decisions many of us have to make and sometimes regret. This does not alter the fact that you are going to have to go forward, with your sisters into the great unknown with out your mother. I am sorry that you have to see her, or hear stories about how things are going from your sisters, this way. Hopefully your mother will pass through this final stage quickly and with as little fear as possible.

Yes cancer steals much from us. In September when you are getting married, shed

a tear for yourself and your mom and your sisters and resolve to live each day with as much love and dignity as you can muster.