to go to a bc memorial or not to go?

Annabella58

Hi all, long time poster, here, 4 1/2 years out from 2nd bc...

Pretty strong these days, but I could use some input from anyone who has been there.  Husband's bsns partners wife, passed last week from a long, long battle of metatastic bc.  I barely knew her, husband knew her better.  Her memorial service is the 26th.

We visited the day after she passed, and the husband felt the need to unburden himself to me, very detailed, very agonizing, tale of her last days.  I felt so sympathetic and horrible for him, but had an anxiety attack, as it hit a bit close to the bone.  I am healthy now, but as we all know, this beast can come back.  We hope not, but .....

At any rate, nightmares for days on end since then.  Trying to distance myself from her scenario, "it's not me", etc., etc, but it could have been.  It could still be. 

I've made the executive decision not to attend the memorial service due to this "backlash"...I feel like a terrible person.  My daughter (grown) even told me "Well, I'm not letting dad do that on his own, so I'm going"...for which I feel horrific guilt.

Anyone?  I would welcome the input.  I just think that I went, I gave him my sympathy, I spoke at great length with him, and since his family knows my history, I feel like this would be a bad idea for me, healthwise and mental healthwise to do this.

Thanks, all.

tealorca11

Hi there,

 I can totally understand how the conversation you had could be considerably "triggering" (for lack of a better word!). I don't blame you at all for wanting to avoid attending the service, and I think you are making the best decision for yourself. We spend so much of life doing for others and putting others first, I think sometimes we neglect our own needs (mental, emotional, AND health related). While you feel like you want to be supportive, the consequences of attending might be distressing or worse. Please try to let the guilt go, if you can. You gotta be your own advocate sometimes. I hope you find some peace of mind related to this issue. Good luck!

Annabella58

thank you so very much tealorca11.  This is what I have come to, as well, but it is great to have the validation.  I'm the "fixer" person and it goes against the grain to stand up for me.

Thanks so much.  I hope you are well!

peggy_j

Annie, I think you made the right decision. First, you need to listen to yourself and do what is right for you. Second, it's the decision I would have made. (I don't know your daughter, obviously, but it's entirely possible she'll be OK going into the service and them come out feeling upset).

FWIW, I have a friend who recently had a recurrence of melanoma. Her initial Dx was stage 1 and risk of recurrence was just 4% yet it came back as Stage 3c. Boo! I feel horrible for her and yes, it is definitely triggering my fears of my own recurrence. Also, my DH's boss's wife was just Dx'd and I can see how much it's triggering him. So I think you're wise to take care of yourself.  I bet even if you don't go, you'll still feel plenty that week. I'd plan to be kind to yourself. I wouldn't be surprised if your DH and daughter are triggered too. BC, the family disease that keeps on giving. Take care. Sorry to hear you're going through this.

SpecialK

I was just in a similar situation last month.  A very good friend, of 25 years, who had a BC dx 13 years ago - did lumpectomy/rads/chemo and was NED, was dx'ed with uterine cancer just before I was dx'ed with BC.  She treated and seemed to have good success, we traded "thinking of you" during chemo and supported each other, but she had mets to lung/liver/brain right as I was ending chemo.  She saw her oldest DD get married and then went downhill, and passed about 10 months after the mets dx.  DH and I went to the memorial - and I don't regret it, but man, it was really hard!  I kept picturing my DH and kids as I watched hers - and it really brought the grim reality of this disease home, not that I had any illusions - I have lost too many friends to BC for that.  Do what your gut tells you is right, for you - I think your DH and DD will understand your reluctance once they have attended this memorial.