Depressed

Copper333

My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2005 and I was horrified. She had a mascetomy and underwent chemo/radiation and beat it after a hard fight. When she had to go off her cancer meds in 2010, she was diagnosed with cancer again. Her cancer was never fully cured like we all thought. She was diagnosed with bone cancer which has spread to her liver. The day we sat around the dinner table in September of 2010, I just knew something wasn't right.  My dad began to cry as my mom sat beside him and told us the news. My world has been turned upside down since than. It was great to know things were going great but things have turned south fast. She chose to get chemo but the tumors in her liver actually grew and didn't shrink. Every time she goes for chemo, she can't get it because her cell count is down. She was in a lot of pain a month ago and the doctors said her liver was pushing on her abdomen and her diaphragm which was causing alot of pain and it was hard for her to breathe. I continue to pray for a miracle and I do believe in god but I can't be foolish not to see what is happening to my mom. I know she is dying and I try to embrace every moment she is here. I feel like she tries to distance herself from me some times...I think to protect me but it is hard. I wanted to see her today but she needed her rest and i didn't want to disturb her when she was sleeping. My mom is 52 years old and she is a fighter. I know I can not be selfish and I told her I respect everything she decides to do.  When she says she is done with treatment, I have to respect that and so does the rest of my family. It just kills me to know she is going through this pain and there is nothing i can do to ease it. Every holiday is hard for me because I want to embrace it but I fear that it will be our last. I have my own problems that I deal with which has helped me cope better but it scares me for myself as well. I wad diagnosed with PTSD in 2008 and have been on meds since. My meds help me but my chemical imbalance goes up and down at times because I have a type a personality and i like to fix things...my mind doesn't rest without my medication.  I have a good career and my mom never had to worry about me but since I had my breakdown it scares her. When she first wanted to have the talk about when she passes...I had to walk away.  However, after talking to my pyschologist, I realized that I was doing the same thing to her that she did to me when I was first diagnosed.  I was trying to ignore it at first because I didn't want to see it. We did it to each other. My mom didn't know how to help me so she acted like everything was ok and I did the same thing to her. We have gotten past this but I would be lying if I told you that I wasn't terrified. She has always been my rock.  I can't delete any of her messages on my phone/email. I hold onto everything. My therapist told me that I have to stop intertwining myself around my loves ones..care but realize i am my own person. i get all that my i don't know how and he is going to help me with that. He said that its okay to love/care for my family but I need to realize that my life will go on when she does pass but she will always remain with me but I can't die with her. My heart aches and my mom has always told me that she hopes that I'm a better mother to my daughter than what she did for me. I told her that I can only hope to be as great as her. I try to remain postive but I've been really depressed and been in a funk this week. I feel better now that I wrote this..praying for my miracle The reason I came to this forum is to reach out and get some information/knowledge from those of you who have/had cancer and to find loved ones who are trying to do whatever is humanly possible for our loved ones. My mom's mom passed away at a young age from cancer and now my mom has this horrible disease. I have been told I'm high risk as well. I want a cure for this disease that has been a nightmare to my family.

Moderators

Copper, it sounds as though you're doing your best with such a difficult situation; trying to help your mother and taking care of your own overall health too. As other members post with their own insights and support we hope you'll find comfort in sharing your experience and understanding theirs too.

In the meantime, there are many articles for and about family members on the main Breastcancer.org site that may help you too.

The Mods