Mom is Stage IV/Worried about dad too...

catlover23

Hello.  I'm not sure where to start, but my mom has fought bc on and off for the last 4 years.  This last recurrence was stage IV to lungs and some spots on her spine that are questionable.  She is on a new chemo now and we are awaiting to see progress.  They've told her it's terminal, but have given no timelines because the new chemo may help. I have 2 sisters and we are all very close.  The challenge is that my Dad is working himself to death giving her care..she is now on disability from work and on oxygen.  Her onc recently put her on a pain patch for the back pain and my Dad will not let us help as much as we'd like.  They are too worried about us (daughters) taking care of our families etc and I wish my Dad would let us help more...I wish he would at least talk to someone.  He has always been the strong one in our family but I'm sure he can only take so much.  He is at her beckon call 24/7 when he is not at work. 

 My mom isn't doing well emotionally at all.  She is very devastated since her stage IV diagnosis (understandably) but she takes it out on my dad...She thinks we don't care sometimes and has told us we don't understand what she's going through.  This is all so hard on all of us in different ways, although I know it's the worst for her.  I just don't know how to help our family cope with this.

CoolBreeze

First, I'm really sorry for the struggles your family is going through.  I'm stage IV myself.  She's right, you don't know what she's going through.

I think that this is between your Dad and your mom.  You can help by coming over and visiting, sendng cards, offering to take her places (and if they say no, they say no).  Bring her a casserole, bring the grandkids over, something light and easy-going.

I would not want my son to come and take care of me either - we don't raise our kids to give up their families and take care of us, at least, that's the way I think about it and maybe your mom does too.  If I need him to do something, I ask him.  Also, your dad is a grown man and he is capable of managing.

I think that you need to make yourself available but let them handle it.   You can help by letting them know you'll do anything necessary and then letting them deal with it the best way they know how. 

sweetbean

Oh, I'm really sorry for what you are going through.  I like Coolbreeze's casserole idea - maybe you could talk to your sister and come up with a schedule to bring over dinners or something like that?  Or a schedule to do the laundry?  Maybe your dad will be more receptive to accepting help if you are able to say something like, "We looked at our schedules and found time to do this and this - does this work for you?"  (Normally, I'd say ask him first what he needs, but if he is turning down help maybe you need to approach him with a proposal to help.)  And taking care of meals and laundry would probably be pretty helpful.  

As for your mom, is there anyone she can talk to?  When was she given the Stage IV diagnosis? If she doesn't want to talk to someone, maybe you could tell her about BCO.  The BCO Stage IV forum has a lot of women who are very supportive and doing well, so your mom might be very encouraged by that.   

Please keep us posted on her progress. 

catlover23

Thanks ladies....you all are so very encouraging.  She started last week seeing a therapist at her onc office, but too soon to tell how this is helping.  The laundry/cooking idea is great.  Thanks you so much!  I'm sorry that so many of you are going through this.  This disease affects the family in so many ways, but nothing like the patient.  However we are all dealing with it so differently.  My mom does need to talk to someone in more depth.  She hasn't visited these boards yet because she is so afraid of reading/hearing the worst.  She suffers from depression, even before bc diagnosis, so she goes through bouts of being angry, even at us sometimes.  Because we are living healthy, going on with our lives.  She thinks we are going to forget her and move on and that the grandkids wont remember her (although they are old enough). She doesn't want to hear any reason right now.  My dad shields her quite a bit and it's hard to convince him that she needs better mental health care just as much as physical.  I think he's approaching his limit and afraid to admit its more than he can handle. Thank you all so much for the advice and kind words.  I read encouraging stories about stage iv even lung mets living for years with this, but we need to get her on board with the positive thinking too!

sweetbean

I agree the boards can be a scary place.  She might not be ready for it yet.  There are lots of women doing well, but of course, there are also women who aren't doing as well.  Hopefully, she will respond to treatment and that will help her feel more hopeful.  It's also good that she is seeing a therapist.  I would advise against telling her to think positively.  While I actually think a positive attitude is helpful, it's really annoying when someone tells you to think positively about something that is so awful.  It just made me want to key their car and tell them to think positively about it, you know?  I would just validate her feelings and tell her you love her and you always will.

You and your family might also want to talk to someone.  Yes, nobody can no what it is like to be the patient, but watching someone love go through cancer treatment is really awful.  I begged my family to see therapists, because I could see the unbelievable stress it was putting on them.  And then my sister was mistakenly diagnosed with leukemia (she had mono, thank God.)  Having been the person diagnosed with cancer and then having someone I love be diagnosed with cancer gave me a unique appreciation for what they went through.   It was like all the air had been sucked off the planet.  It also gave my sister a new appreciation for what I went through. Obviously, we were all overjoyed to learn it was a misdiagnosis, but she said she would never forget how terrified and sad she was to think that she wouldn't see her kids graduate.  My point is, yes, the patient has it the hardest, but don't dismiss your own feelings of sadness and fear, etc.  They are valid.