Failed Reconstruction

SimoneJ

I had a double mastectomy 1/30/09, had expanders and then implants, my radiated side would not heal properly, I have had about 8 surgeries in the last 3 years. 3/27/12 I was scheduled for a 6 hour surgery to do a trans flap. surgery turned into 14 hours and left me with a hole in my chest. PS could not get my blood to flow properly due to damage to blood vessels from radiation. Needless to say I was and still am devastated. I just need some encouragement. My breasts were very sexual to me. I have been looking for mastectomy ligerie but have been unable to find any. Does anyone have any suggestions? I still will not let my husband see my chest, he is extremely supportive and says it does not bother him, but I feel so unattractive. Thanks for listening

Momine

I am so sorry for what you have been through. It is not easy, any which way, but do look over the threads here, because there are many good ideas here on how to solve all kinds of post-BMX problems, from the esthetic and comfort point of view.



As far as lingerie, I especially liked the lace bralettes that someone here had found and put on over the MX bra. Another trick that might work for you is a lacy MX camisole, that will hold the foobs. Also try different kinds of foobs. It varies a lot what works for people. Most of all focus on what makes you feel better. It is time for you to put the ordeals behind you and start feeling good again. Your husband sounds like a good guy, which is a good start. Try to allow him to make you feel good.

Anonymous

Simone, I wanted to say how sorry I am that you had to endure so many surgeries only to end up without the results you wanted. You clearly tried to make things work, gave it your best shot. Unfortunately, for some of us, our bodies just don't take to the process. It's a very tough spot to be in, and I hope you give yourself plenty of time to grieve and come to terms with the sadness, disappointment and anger. Try to be kind to your body and nurture your inner spirit. You are just over five weeks since this last surgery and everything is fresh. It will take some time, and your body will heal and change over the next several months. 

I didn't have the same experience, but I did go through the expansion process and exchange to implants in 2008. I developed truncal lymphedema, capsular contracture, and one implant became deformed and painful. I didn't know it, but it had poked through the pectoral muscle. After lymphedema and myofascial therapies over a two year period, I still had chronic pain with the one implant, and the other implant developed capsular contracture also. In my case, the LE drove my decision to deconstruct, as it was best for my health. It was a difficult time, and I grieved for three weeks once I determined what I needed to do. I researched and found a PS who would care for my LE while removing my implants and deconstructing me. The first few months after surgery were rough, but I have a good husband and friends who have been incredibly supportive. It took me a while to heal and get used to the new me, and I did a lot of crying. I regretted my decision to reconstruct and beat myself up over it, but a friend at BCO reminded me that I hadn't made a bad decision, rather I had had a bad outcome. This helped me tremendously. I also contemplated how there have been many who have gone through terrible accidents, war, ways in which they were disfigured, and I realized if they can adapt and move on with their life, so can I. That's not to say I didn't and still don't have my low days. I do, but somehow I have made peace with this incredible body that is still here and able to get me through each day. Because of the truncal LE, concavity of chest and some remaining extra skin and stretched muscle, I have opted to go form free. I wear tanks that provide compression and make the chest look smooth. I updated my wardrobe to work with my flat chest, and I am finally hitting my stride again. Well, if this damn LE hadn't decided to involve my arm as well, I might be doing a little better, but I am trying to look at it as a temporary setback. 

For what it's worth, my husband told me after I had deconstructed that I actually looked more like myself without the implants. While he never said it, I don't think he ever liked them. Your husband seems like a good man, and like Momine said, I hope you can let him help you feel better.  I haven't figured out the lingerie thing myself, but it would be nice to find something that made me feel attractive. I know many of the girls here have talked frankly about wearing prosthetics during times of intimacy. It has been quite enlightening and encouraging.

I wish all the best for you, Simone. I hope you heal quickly and can begin to feel better emotionally. There are many options for prosthetics, and once you have healed and can be fitted, the gals here will have suggestions of what has worked for them. Erica/Barbara has created a website for women who have not reconstructed and there's a bra and form review section. Here:

http://breastfree.org/ 

Erica3681

Hi Tina,

Thank you for your mention of BreastFree.org. And I really appreciate your openness and honesty on this site. I'm sure you've helped countless people.

Hi Simone,

I also am so sorry for all the reconstruction surgeries you've had to go through without success. I didn't have reconstruction after my bilateral mastectomy, but I can imagine how disappointed you must be. And I can very much relate to your comments about what your breasts meant to you. I also loved my breasts and they were a major source of erotic pleasure for me. So I understand how hard it is to lose that. However, as I've posted elsewhere on breastcancer.org, when I wear breast forms (prostheses) during intimate times with my husband, I've found (to my surprise) that I feel sexy and more aroused, almost as if they're real (I think the brain plays an important part in this). My husband enjoys it, too, but honestly I think it helps me more than him. Like your husband, he always has told me my lack of breasts doesn't bother him. I wondered at first whether that would really be true when it came to sex, but it turns out that he really is just as attracted to me as ever. It sounds as if you have a very supportive husband, so hopefully over time you'll trust that he means it when he says your flat chest doesn't bother him.

If you go to the Living Breast-Free section of BreastFree.org and read under the heading "Sexuality," you'll find a couple of links to lingerie options that contain pockets for breast forms. Many other lingerie items can pretty easily be adapted for breast forms by sewing in pockets. 

I hope this helps a little bit. As Tina said, it will take some time to adjust to being breast-free.

Barbara

msphil

hello sweetie I too went thru a difficult time with reconstruction, mine didn,t take, my body rejected the expander as a foreign object and it hardened and gave me an infection, was very sick and i went to the E R and to surgery to have it removed, I did finally accept the flatness, it was hard for me,I was in the process of getting married when diagnosed,but thank GOD, and my husband I got thru it, I wear a soft prothesis in the bed and I also wear sexy camisoles which make me feel better, take it from a 18 yr Survivor(Praise the LORD)).msphil   (idc,stage 2,3 nodes, L mast, chemo and rads and 5 yrs on Tamoxifen) God Bless you