I know I should feel grateful...but

B123

I am told that with time it gets easier, I truely believe that will happen but, you never forget, you never stop worrying, you never stop mourning, and you never stop being afraid.  BUT, we are thankfully here and we need to live our lives as fully as possible, we deserve it!  I try to move on like nothing has happened, but my scars tell me differently, my monthly Lupon shots remind me, my daily Fareston pill starts my day with the reminder and my medical bills pour in each afternoon.  It is hard to move on and not look back, but I think everything happens for a reason.  I know that is a strange thing to say for some, and I dont know what mine is yet but I do believe it and we will find that reason as time goes by.  I am angry as hell to have been put through this and live in fear, but I am thankful it was not worse.  blessings to all of you... 

Good luck Shayne, many hugs to you.. you will be ok

camillegal

Shayne i'm sorry u r so upset--but it's so normal and yes u should feel grateful, but now yet--I really think a group as was said might be good for u so can see how other women/men feel also and u won't feel all alone.  This is a great site for everyone too so many nice and knowledgeable people here-and I hope it all helps u.

purple32

"Also, I took a couple of extra days off from work right before the surgery and had my first ever full body massage. "

Great minds think alike !

I was getting very stressed before my LX, so I called a massage therapist I have gone to before and made an appt.  By the time I came out of there, I knew it was  ' just what the DR. ordered'.  I also reasoned that I wouldnt be getting many massages for awhile as I would not be laying down on my stomach right after surgery.

I highly recommend all who are stressed before tx to get a massage. As for the $, I decided it would not be an isssue - period!

Beesie

"I am told that with time it gets easier, I truely believe that will happen but, you never forget, you never stop worrying, you never stop mourning, and you never stop being afraid."

For me it took about 9 months but it did get a lot easier.  And I do forget (except when I'm on this board), I have stopped worrying, I don't mourn, and I am not afraid. Maybe it's because my diagnosis was very early stage so I don't live with the same risks that many others have.  But I can honestly say that for me, having been through BC one time and living every day with a reconstructed breast, I am now less afraid of breast cancer than I was before my diagnosis.

For me, the unknown is scary.  I realize that my experience with BC was minimal compared to most - I didn't need radiation or chemo, I opted out of Tamox and my risk of mets is very small - but I now have an experience with BC under my belt.  I am now much more educated about BC (that's part of the reason why I stick around here, to stay on top of the latest treatment news about BC).  If I am diagnosed again, I know what to expect and I know what to do. That's much less scary. I do not live in fear, not for a second.

Shayne, I don't think that there is anything to be grateful for when you get a diagnosis of breast cancer. A diagnosis of BC is a shock to the system. A diagnosis of BC changes the way you look at life.  A diagnosis of BC, no matter how 'good' the diagnosis, forces you to confront your mortality.  A diagnosis of BC is likely to drive changes (physical, emotional, mental and in what you do in life and with your life) that divide your life into "before BC" and "after BC". A diagnosis of BC is life changing and it's scary.  It doesn't matter what the diagnosis is, I suspect that we all experience some or all of that. That's normal.

However, those who are diagnosed with DCIS or very early Stage I BC should come to realize - not right away but fairly early on - that they fortunate that their BC was caught early and the prognosis is so positive.  No diagnosis of BC is good, but it sure is better to be diagnosed with DCIS or a very early stage invasive cancer (like mine, with just a microinvasion) than to be diagnosed with a more advanced cancer.  Not needing chemo is big.  Not having any risk of mets (for those with DCIS) or having only a very small risk of mets (for those with early stage IDC) is huge.  There are studies that have shown that women with DCIS significantly over-estimate their risk of recurrence and their risk of dying from BC.  In fact I recall reading one report that said that women with DCIS are just as likely to think that they will die of BC as women who have advanced BC. These fears influence treatment decisions, leading some women with DCIS to undergo treatments that are much more severe than necessary, treatments that themselves may present more risks than the disease itself.  Taking Tamoxifen after a BMX for DCIS is a good example of this. 

I say all this here specifically because this is the DCIS forum. I hope that those who are diagnosed with DCIS come to realize, after the initial shock has worn off, that they are facing extremely positive odds (pure DCIS, without a recurrence, is 100% survivable) and that their situation is different than those who have invasive cancer. When we are first diagnosed, I think we all feel pretty much the same. A shock to the system is a shock to the system.  Our emotions don't differentiate between a DCIS diagnosis and an IDC diagnosis. But our minds can, and should. Just not right away. 

nora_az

Shayne,

I felt the same way in the beginning. It's still all very new to you. I felt bad for myself yet noticed there were some women here with far worse diagnosis than what I was dealing with.

Bottom line is, we are all in it together no matter what. I am amazed at how sometimes someone with a much better diagnosis than me all of a sudden I see a "I've got mets" post.  AND.........there are also some stage IV women on here who were stage IV and have been so for years and doing realtively well.  You just never know.

Shayne

my husband and i were talking about percentages yesterday......and how when the doc said I had a 5% chance of recurrence.....what is that a percentage of?  The population today?  What about the people walking around with cancer that dont know it yet......the ones who will get diagnosed tomorrow?  the next day?  week?  month?  

No one is born with 0% chance......we are all predisposed...we all have history, exposure, dumb luck.....we are all born with some kind of percentage #.....we just dont know what that # is.  So 5% of the entire population of the world.....think about what a giant number that is - you cant even get your head around it, let alone figure out exactly what the number is......

something else to think about......

Beesie......you are so right!  I read your post and KNOW you are.......and know even that 9 mos from now, ill reread it......and feel it too..... Its knocked me on my knees.....this dx.  Every monday i think.....2 weeks since dx.....3 weeks since dx.......everything from this moment on will be from April 16th, 2012.......i can do nothing else but think of it - but i agree.....it will be behind me one day....47 days from now ......then ill have a new date to go forward from.....      and tho that day seems so far away right now......my sights are set on it......

nora_az

Shayne. 5% seems very high for your diagnosis (what you have written down anyway, I'm not pretending to know everything). I would think it would be much lower than that.  I do understand what you are saying though

CLC

There are two different things here...chance of recurrence and chance of a new primary breast cancer.  The chance of recurrence after mastectomy or lumpectomy with rads is something around 1%, I think.

The chance of a new primary has a lot to do with personal family history as well as the personal history.  That varies, I think.

I am not entirely sure of my numbers, though.  I need to go check, but, alas, it is time to put my daughter to bed...:)  Hopefully someone with more knowledge and certainty about the numbers will pop in...

Edited to add...I too understand your point...don't mean to sideline it...just addressing the issue of recurrence...you certainly don't need an overinflated number!!!

Shayne

thats the # he gave me.....if i did radiation......but it gets lower if i do the 5 years of meds

Beesie

Shayne, what the doctor gave you is an estimate of what he thinks your recurrence risk will be.  But until you have surgery and know the complete pathology and the size of the surgical margins, it's just a guess.  He should have explained this to you.

Recurrence risk after a lumpectomy for DCIS can vary greatly from one person to another.  It is lowest for those who have a small single focus of low grade DCIS and wide surgical margins.  Even with a lumpectomy alone (without radiation), the recurrence risk can be less than 5% in cases like that.  But the recurrence risk will be much higher (as high as 40% or more) for those who have a large area of high grade multi-focal DCIS and narrow surgical margins.  Whatever the recurrence risk, many studies have shown that radiation can cut the risk by approx. 50%. This means that someone with a 5% recurrence risk after a lumpectomy alone can cut the risk to 2.5% with radiation, and someone with a 40% risk after a lumpectomy alone can cut the risk to 20% with radiation. So as you can see, the benefit from radiation really depends on what your recurrence risk is.  Those who have ER+ BC can reduce their recurrence even more by taking Tamoxifen.  On average it reduces recurrence by a further 45%.  So that would take the 2.5% risk down to 1.4% and it would take the 20% risk down to 11%.

Since the 5% risk that your doctor mentioned is after radiation, this means that he's assuming you will have a recurrence risk of 10% with surgery alone.  That's probably about average, although if your area of DCIS does turn out to be less than 1cm in size, and if you get good surgical margins, it's quite possible that your risk could be lower than that.  The following website explains the Van Nuys Prognostic Index, which is used to determine recurrence risk after surgery for DCIS.  http://www.breastdiseases.com/dcispath.htm

Sticking with the 5%, here's what it means. If you were to be put into a room with 99 other women (so there are 100 women in total), all of whom have the exact same diagnosis and pathology and recurrence risk as you, 5 of the 100 women in the room will at some point in the future have a recurrence and 95 of the 100 women will never have a recurrence.  You know that you are one of the 100 women but you don't know if you will be one of the 5 or one of the 95.  That's your 5% risk.

As CLC pointed out, recurrence risk is different from the risk of a new primary BC. The 5% your doctor mentioned is recurrence risk, it's the risk that your current cancer could come back.  This can happen only if a few rogue cells are left in your breast after surgery and if radiation is not successful at killing off those rogue cells.  If any of these cells remain alive, at some point a recurrence will develop.  This is why tumor size and surgical margins are so critical to the determination of recurrence risk.  A small single focus of DCIS is easier to fully remove surgically than a large area of DCIS that is multi-focal, so obviously the risk that some rogue cells might be left behind is much lower for those who have a small single focus of DCIS.  Similarly, if you have large clear margins (the margin is the area right around the edge of removed breast tissue), the greater the likelihood that all the cancer cells have been removed and no rogue cells remain in the breast. But if cancer cells come right up to the edge of the removed breast tissue (meaning that there is a very small margin or no clear margin), the more likely it is that some cancer cells might still be left in the breast. Tumor size and margins can't be known until after surgery; this is why the 5% that your doctor told you is an estimate only. 

The risk of a new primary breast cancer is based on personal and family health history, as CLC noted.  Having already been diagnosed one time, that's now part of your personal health history and as a result your risk to be diagnosed again is likely to be higher than that of the average woman.  The average woman has a 12.1% lifetime risk of being diagnosed with BC.  Note that this risk spans approx. 70 years of life, from age 20 to age 90, so it works out to less than 0.2% risk per year.  How much higher your risk is than average depends on all your other personal health factors.

Hope some of this helps and makes sense! 

Shayne

 Made myself laugh.....

There's a guy servicing our free standing gas stove in our living room - and I walk in and he is spray painting the stove pipe - while its connected, with the stove on and a roaring fire going....INSIDE MY HOUSE....with the doors and windows shut!!!

Im thinking to myself as I open doors/windows and turn on fans.....this guy is gonna give me cancer with these friggin fumes!

oh wait.......too late!  lol!

 maybe you had to be there....... 

NanG

man, i just joined up here tonight and your initial post sounds exactly like me.  i got my diagnosis from a core needle biopsy back on 4/18 (got the results 4/25) went for consult with the oncological surgeon and have been for an mri this week as well as genetic testing because i am 33yo. 

I have moments where I am literally just in a panic.  Which is really difficult to manage because I am the stoic, spock like one in my family.  im a very logical person but the enormity of this whole ordeal is just kicking my ass.

also ive had a family history of cancer.  i watched people in my family die from cancer, all of them women.  so that is psychologically torturous, and plays into that crappy wallowing that i do.  i should be rejoicing because God allowed this discovery to come before it is so serious.  they said i don't need chemo...i should be counting myself blessed.  but at times i still grieve.  

i liked what somebody earlier said about grieving the loss of life before this diagnosis.  i think that is what i am feeling.  today for example i just feel like doing nothing but laying in bed and sleeping.  i don't know if its from the mri dye, or the ativan i took but i kind of feel achy and flu like.  i sort of thought it may be a physical symptom of some kind of depression or my body just responding to the emotional ass kicking of the last three/four weeks.  i dunno.  also kind of wonder if there is a bug going around or if i picked something up at the hospital, or if i ate something bad.  THEN my mind...ugh....my wonderful mind....is going....what if i have arthritis, what if i have something else growing in my joints or bones...my finger hurts...what is that?  and then im kicking my own ass.

i saw some girl on youtube doing chemo makeup tutorials.  and i was sort of inspired by her vigour and her attitude.  on the other hand it made me feel like a shmuck for feeling sorry for myself.  and then....i WANT to kick my own ass for being such a wallowy ass.  

really....what i want to say is this freakin sucks.  im a mom to two little girls, 3 and 10.  i HAVE to have energy to be thier mom...however modified, for however long i have to...and it really really sucks that for a time, i won't be able to be the full mom that i want to be to them.  i don't want to be modified mom.  i think its kind of a process in all this integrating a diagnosis stuff into your life....you have to run the gamut of emotions for it all otherwise your conciousness will start to splinter and you'll end up with a psychosis or mpd or something like that.  

i think its also beneficial to remember this....what if it was your sister going through this?  that helps me.  if it was my little sister experiencing all this crap i would be so supportive and loving and helpful toward her and TOTALLY understand her rollercoaster ride, especially during this agonizing testing, waiting, consulting, waiting, retesting, waiting bull that is these early days.

i kind of think that these days of initial diagnosis and treatment planning may be emotionally the same deal for everyone.  that might sound really crappy to a person with advanced stages....and im sorry if it does but the thing about it that is the same is our ability or inability to cope with unknowns.  its draining.  i think eventually when you know more about your treatments and you can see the course laid out then you'll have more of a balanced walk but you're just getting used to your "sea legs" if you will. me too.  

also im kind of in a tailspin over all the advice and choices being presented to me.  every one out there has a new diet that will protect me.  all i have to do is cut out sugar, flour, rice, corn, candy, chocolate, coffee, potatoes, meat, chicken, pork, canned food, frozen food, comercially prepared food, deodorant, shampoo, makeup, hairspray, toiletbowl cleaner, dishsoap, new carpeting, tomatoes, honey, soy, drycleaning and bottled water.  oh yeah and anything warmed up or cooked in plastic.  or that has ever touched a scratched teflon pan, or parabens, or second hand smoke, or perm solution or hair colouring, or food that has been burnt....its effing madness.

so on top of being paranoid about whats actually in progress in my life...i am now paranoid about every morsel that goes in my mouth thinking i may potentially be screwing over the lucky diagnosis of dcis.  

and again im not intending to be a whiner or a b=word here and im sorry so sorry if i am...BUT...i just gotta cope with all this info, cram it into a 5 week window where i'll be making a real decision for my future...and keep on keeping on all at the same time.

so, yeah....its hard.

not to mention telling people you love about it...im not even gonna touch that.  i can't even say "the words".  i can manage, "they found dcis" or, "the tests showed cancerous cells from the biopsy" but im not even ready to utter or type the three dreaded words.  these cells are not mine.  this cell growth is not mine...but the journey is.  so,...if anybody has advice on that, sweet.

 sorry i added a long grouch session to your post.  venting..... 

LAstar

We have every right to grieve through this, we just don't have to fear for our lives right now.  The choices are overwhelming.  Sometimes we have to let ourselves feel sad/mad/scared and let it out so we can feel balanced and true to ourselves.  No one can stay positive all the time.

I spent part of the day consoling and reassuring friends after sharing with them that I have to have a mastectomy.  Two friends asked if there was anything else I could possibly do!  "Wow -- I haven't thought of that!  Maybe I should try some herbs?"  

Shayne

Nahnda......wish i could give you a big ((HUG))!!

For me, every day is different.  some days i lie on the couch and cry......other days its like i almost forget I have this thing.....Where i can get mad at someone cutting me off, or laugh at something.....  I have 2 friends in my community, young women like yourself, who have already gone thru this.  Both are in their mid thirties, both with two young children.  ONe is going thru it for the SECOND TIME.  I see them laughing and living their lives.  Yes they have bad days.....but they keep going.  I was thinking yesterday how if I didnt have a child, would it be easier?  Ive got to pull it together FOR HER most days.....I think Id be doing a lot more lying with the covers over my head if it werent for her.  

And its ok to lie on the couch.  its ok to cry and feel sorry for yourself, to feel angry and overwhelmed.  Give yourself room to feel that.....because if you do - it WILL PASS.  

I too am overwhelmed with all the info - the choices in treatment, the diets, the opinions - and everyone has one!  BUT YOU have to live with whatever choices you make - esp in treatment choices.  My sister is a nurse and she immediately had an opinion that i should get a double mastectomy.  She just kept repeating it and repeating it until I finally told her - I cant live with YOUR choice, I can only live with mine.  Now she's v supportive and keeps that opinion to herself.  But she's there for me.  

its day to day.  Some days i can read the info......some days I cant.  Some days Im strong, some days I feel sorry for myself.  And im letting myself off the hook.  I dont know why this happened to me....but I will never be the same - and in some regards, Im glad its changing me.  Its bringing compassion in to my life, its opening my heart to love, its making me appreciate life.  

This quote came from another thread, by a member named Brandy.  It really helped me put it in to perspective! 

 When I was first diagnosed I had a dream about my dearest friend who had recently passed away from a head injury.  She died on her front porch. One minute  she was fine and the next minute she fell and suffered a traumatic brain injury.  She was the most awesome, funny, genuine person in the world.  She was from California and she had this bubbly, valley girl personality. I miss her dearly.  Anyway, in my dream she said.  "Brandy (eyeroll), your going to be fine.  Just because you have cancer doesn't mean your going to die, just like if you don't have cancer means your going to live, Duh!"  Then she smiled.  I believe that she's my angel and I thought of her often during my ordeal.  But her message applies to everyone's life.  It applies to your (possibly... probably not) facing cancer.  No one knows the future.  She was perfectly healthy and she's gone.  I had stage IIb highly aggressive breast cancer and I'm through treatment with a 97% chance that the cancer will never come back.  To quote the song "The future's unwritten"   

NanG

you're right that is inspiring.  i know and believe that God is going to keep me through this.  but i still have these rotten days where im a whiner.  actually i think being angry at myself for being a whiner is worse than the actual mopeyness/sadness!!  lol.

i need to find some kind of thing that i can focus on through this.  i watched some videos of girls whove been through operations, chemo patients who are teaching makeup and stuff and they all have this certain peace about them.  i think im looking for that.  it must just be the waiting for mri results and wanting to know the plan thats driving me nuts.  somewhat similar to waiting for a callback for a job interview.  i just feel in limbo right now and i am not good at the limbo.

Shayne

you are not a whiner....... just give yourself some time to get to that place of peace - im not there either.....but i got my eye on the prize!

let me know when u get the results!  and plan on having a plan b and a plan c......

I remember reading a Wayne Dwyer quote about his cancer.....about not using the word "fight" - but instead, going with the flow......not sure how to do that......but know when i think of it, it sounds right. 

LAstar

I contacted my nurse navigator yesterday about finding a counselor who specializes in breast cancer patients.  I think it will be helpful for me to process this with a professional so I can stay on top of things.  

Shayne

Great idea lastar!  There is a woman at a breast care center where I live (not the one I chose) that has been such a wealth of information and calming!!  I need to take her some flowers!  Anyway, esp when I had to make so many decisions, she was on the phone with me for many hours, talking me thru it, talking me down off the ledge.  

 

When I get thru this......id like to be a patient advocate.  Its such a scary place, so many people have helped me, I really want to do that for others.  I hope you find the right person for you! 

Shayne

Found a great quote:

And once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what the storm’s all about.

Haruki Murakami 

LAstar

Beautiful!  Our challenge is to come out of the storm stronger and more loving rather than bitter.  

glasslady062011

Nahnda:

First, it is a good thing that you found this site as soon as you did.  The folks on here are on the same journey as you and those ahead of you have invaluable experience to share with us newbies. 

Yes, you have a lot of decisions to make regarding your treatment and sometimes you probably feel you are in information overload.  It is best that you have a notebook where you capture all your information regarding your case, especially when discussing your treatment options.  You need someone to go with you (to listen) when you are doing this as a second set of ears is always helpful.  Once you have a solid plan of action mapped out with your physician team, you will feel better from the perspective of taking action.   It isn't something anyone wants to do, but you just have to buck up and do it!

I have a maternal family history of breast cancer, so I understand where you are coming from. I've been watched for this disease since I was 33 yrs old (first mammogram).  My cancer was caught early as well (via an MRI) and for that I am grateful.  Catching it early opened up a lot of conservative treatment options for me. I was lucky and did not have to do chemotherapy.  I have friends who were not as lucky last year and underwent some pretty nasty chemotherapy.  They were inspirations to me because of their attitudes throughout the whole process and I' m glad to report they are both doing well.

So welcome to the rollercoaster ride! There will be good days, bad days, but hopefully more good days than bad.  Positive attitude makes all the difference.  As for the diet advice from well meaning folks, just smile and say thank you!  Those folks are just trying to help the only way they know how, because they care about you.  Only those of us to are walking this path can understand we just don't need that type of information right now.  

I hope this helps and I pray for God to give you wisdom you need to make the treatment choice that is right for you.  This will get better even though you might not be able to see that right now.

glasslady062011

Shayne:

I see that you have surgery coming up in a few weeks.  I wanted to wish you well.  From your postings it seems you have a good support system from the breast cancer center.  I am seeing more nurse advocates being staff at the facilities here in my city. 

I think it is awesome that you want to turn this experience into a positive one by thinking about being a patient advocate.  Who better to be one!

My prayers are with you.

NanG

gladylady...

thank you for your encouraging words. i swear every time i read somebody on this site addressing me personally its just like a big affirmation for me.  its like instead of reading statistics and distant information its something real.  

i used to live in jax.  when i was about 19.  small world. i lived on st. johns bluff over by the university.  went to church for the first time ever when i was there.  didn't know it at the time but years later i became a believer and that year in jacksonville was influential in my walk with the Lord.  

glasslady062011

Nahnda:

I moved to Jacksonville when I was 19, that was 36 years ago this August.  Actually, I think I turned 20 about 10 days later, but close enough.  Not knowing what year you actually lived here, if it was more than 5 years ago, then you would not recognize the St. Johns Bluff area, especially the roadways near the University.  There is a shopping center not far from the college called Town Center. 

Now that I know you are a believer, my advice is just to turn it over to him and listen for his direction.  He will get you through this.  I had my complete trust in God.  I heard him tell me that he would take care of me, so I turned it over to him. 

I attend a faith based cancer support group with my husband (who had colon cancer in 2009).  The web site is:     http://friendschristiancancercare.com/Default.aspx   If you look under the video link, you will see where some of our meetings were video taped last year.  This group has been a tremendous support to my husband and I.  

Please keep us updated with your progress.

NanG

U know what? I came online this am to look for othe believers who are walking through cancer ans this web page was already up! He is faithful! Here in my area it's hard to find groups like this.



I was in jax at 1997-98. I ran away from home and landed there in a bad romance. The thing I remember most about it was how good the food was! I gained like fourty pounds living there! Of course I lost it all when I came home. But I remember there was this fried chicken place I think it was on Atlantic blvd. it was a grungy kind of house but the chicken was really good. Lol. Now I'm hungry....how do you make fried chicken!? Lol...

NanG

http://jacksonville.com/entertainment/food-and-dining/2011-01-12/story/old-homestead-restaurant-beaches-will-reopen



I guess this is the place. I never saw no ghosts though but the food was amazin!

Shayne

cant sleep.....second guessing my decisions......second guessing everything.

I understand I really need to wait for the pathology report to know what my treatment plan will REALLY be.....

it just makes it hard to sleep at night, this not knowing what I am doing, not knowing if Im doing everything I can, not knowing if I will be OVER treating or UNDER treating...... 

purple32

The second guessing has been the toughest part for me. Should I stay where i am ? Should I go to Boston? ( went to Boston and Soooooooo glad I did !)

Should I get rads ? ( Think that I *Have * to)

Should I take tamox?  (Think I really *have* to )

Problem is, there are no "pretty choices".  I try to remind myself that I will do what I *have* to do - period.  I HAVE to ...this is the hand I ( we were) was dealt.  Must play it.

NanG

Shayne, I wish i could give you a big hug.  I totally know what you're going through. For real.  i think we are at similar places in the waiting game....and there are times when its not fun.  There are times I can be super distracted from it all and zone out.  Tonight for example...got to watch Game of Thrones and didnt think about cancer or what if's once.  

 I watched Guiliana and Bill on Friday and bawled my eyes out.  Not too sure what kind of diagnosis she had...but they said it was an early form of bc so im guessing it was dcis.  she went forward with a dmx and the show documented her journey.  it was sooooooo emotional for me to watch.  i cried so hard.  but at the same time to watch her endure.  to watch her attitude throughout the experience and to see her scared before the surgery but alive afterward was sooooooooooooo encouraging.  it was also really cathartic for me because i got to almost vicariously confront a fear of changes to my body and surgery and her attitude and the way the show captured that experience for everyone was really truly inspiring.  

i think we have to get to the place where...you make a choice.  and im speaking to myself as well.  what IF i make the wrong choice for my treatment?  what if things go horribly wrong?  am i going to live these days dreading the worst or am i going to Praise God that i'm at an early stage...and spend my time doing as many things that bring me joy as possible.

 this weekend i went clothes shopping at some second hand stores with my mom.  i was looking at dresses and in my mind i heard that death row song they used to sing on old cartoons....when the guys are on the chain gang...and i laughed out loud because i was like...what the HECK am i doing?  i actually had the thought cross my mind that i shouldnt buy new clothes for spring because im just gonna die anyways.  meanwhile that is NOT my story here.  right now...i am alive.  and tomorrow im not going to die.  not from cancer anyways.  ive been walking around like im already on my way...doomed.  NOT true.  not true for you either Shayne.  you're here.  now...you're here.  

im not one who has EVER been a "live in the moment sister" kind of person.  im very very cynical.  come from a cynical community and am typically the one who is always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  but honestly over the last month that has made me doomsday.  eff that.  im tired of being scared and im tired of being sad.  i just want to live and have my day be mine.  in my hands, under my authority to be what I want it to be...you know?  and because im a believer in Christ I have a whole other perspective on what i want my day to be about...but that is for each person to decide...what do you want your day to be about?  

 sorry if im being preachy.  i think im preaching to myself.  and sorry if its corny.  it made me feel better. lol.

OM12

NanG -  I am on the EXACT same page - 39 yrs old, 6 and 8 yr old, just diagnosed with DCIS last week (2 mammos, 2 ultrasounds, a first biopsy that came back with, hooray you're fine - then an hour later - please come back for another biopsy (vacuum assisted), we think we were wrong... sadly they were right about being wrong).  I'm headed into an MRI this weekend, will meet with a surgeon on the 11th.  0 clue on treatment plan, etc. yet.

I have moments of sheer terror, massive self pity and enormous rage... my GP, who I adore, said - "I know this will sound flip but truly, I have patients with this same diagnosis who now say, jeez - remember that from a few years ago, what a bother... "  I'm trying to remember that, but really this seems like doomsday right now, not a bother - I'm totally and completely thrown for a loop, and I am not someone easily thrown... the worst for me is the sheer loss of control - just thinking about it makes me hyperventilate - for some reason everytime I get in the car I lose it - anyhow - your posts were awesome  - glad to know that other people who got this lucky diagnosis don't feel so lucky either...