lumpy above old scar - seeing BS Momday

minxie

A few nights ago I decided to feel the old lumpectomy scar and to my horror it was bumpier than I remember, with a hard spot on a ridge. I saw my onc, who has me seeing my breast surgeon first thing Monday morning.

I am terrified and in shock. I had a lumpectomy originally (tumor at 6 o'clock) and then 6 months chemo, started rads, and in the middle of rads they did a mammo which found DCIS in the bad breast. We stopped rads and did a BMX, even excising the old lunpectomy scar again.  These cancer cells can be stubborn buggers I know, but this is ridiculous.

Anyway the characteristics of the new "lump"  - it's a hard lumpy area right above the scar, seeming to trail along the bottom edge of the implant. It's hard to distinguish an individual lump, but there is an area that's harder and thicker, probably 7 mms wide.

Now for some downer conversation...please skip if you don't want to discuss death...my onc said if it were a local recurrence, next step was a CAT scan to see if it's spread. With all the aches and pains I have now, who knows. But I do know what a Stage IV TNBC diagnosis means, and I am no way willing to be a part of that. I love my children and want to see them make it to adulthood, but I don't want them to have a sickly mother they only remember as a frail ghost. I cannot burden my huband like before. So no more chemo for me. I want to be able to have control over when and where I die from this if it comes to that. Has anyone considered this option?

sandilee

Whoa, minxie!  Please don't get so far ahead of yourself!   It's so normal to be really freaked out when the possibility of recurrance enters your head, but hey, you're not there yet, and you may never be.

 That said, we on the Stage !V board discuss death all the time.  It's part of what we live with. I've been Stage IV for at least 10 months that I know of, but probably for nearly two years. One thing I have learned since being in this place is that it is not an automatic death sentence. You can have years with treatments. Even for TNs.

 You are clear that you don't want to go through chemo again.  There are chemos that are easier on the body than Taxol.  They have made improvements in drugs in the last couple of years, and they are always coming out with more.  There is also surgery that can get at mets if they are minimal, and radiation that can truly beat back cancer when it's small. There are many options out there to try before throwing in the towel.

I am not convinced that dying without treatment is "having control over when and where I die."  It seems to me that this is just letting the cancer decide.

I'm not saying that forgoing treatment is wrong- after all, we all have to think about what we want and go with what feels right to us as individuals.  But for me, researching and making decisions about the treatments that are available gives me a feeling of control that just letting the cancer run it's course would not.

  Hang in there. {{{{hugs}}}  Even if your lump turns out to be cancer, it's still a local recurrance and very treatable.  That's still a long way from Stage !V, and a local recurrance doesn't make distant recurrance inevitable at all. 

 

Karen3

Hi minxie

Firstly, I am so sorry you are going through this - you seem to be in a very bad place at the moment. But, please as sandilee said, dont jump ahead of yourself! If you have a recurrence, it is likely to be treatable and the aches and pains could be anything. I have aches and pains too - lots of them. Plus my TN cancer was found in my opposite breast within two years of the operation for my first tumour. The chemo didn't work for me first time around and I can tell you that I really didn't want that stuff again if I could help it. I had a PET scan last October and it was clear - like you, I didn't expect it to be clear and was preparing myself for the worst. As for chemo, I had decided that as awful as it was first time round, I would do anything to keep this beast at bay. Fortunately I did not need chemo (high grade DCIS found after my BMX) so I feel fortunate. I know things seem really dire to you at the moment - but try not to worry about things that may / may not happen. Life is really too short and you will only rob yourself of any joy in the here and now. We all just have to live day to day and make the best of it. The chances are, like me, you are going to be fine. If not, then you can deal with it then but try not to torment yourself until you know for sure.