Single with Cancer - Getting By

gonegirl

For all the single folks out there, what are you doing to get by?

 I am in chemo now.  I had folks signed up to come over and spend the night the two nights after chemo in case I had a reaction. Now I've been scanned again and have 6 more chemos to go. My friends are wonderful, but don't seem as anxious to help this time around. 

I feel very alone and scared. What have others done to cope with chemo and living alone and getting by.

petjunkie

I'm single, live alone, and have been doing chemo for two and a half years now. I am lucky to have parents that live close and can help me out. But I'm big on independence and prefer to do things for myself. I have hired housecleaners that come twice a month, and I sometimes order groceries online. I try to plan one thing to do most days-- go out for coffee with a friend, see a movie, etc. I'm not working-- so doing one thing a day is usually doable. Sometimes I'm so tired I can't imagine getting off the couch, but once I get up and go I feel better. 

I actually haven't yet come to a point where I've had to ask friends for help really. I'm trying really hard to keep my interactions with them social and fun, and to celebrate things happening for them-- I'm in my late 30s, so my friends are getting married, having babies, etc. If the time comes, I will call and ask for help I'm sure. But I'm really afraid of my friendships becoming all about me and my cancer, so I'm hyper-sensitive about not asking for help. That might not be healthy, but for right now it works for me.

I will also add that my dogs have saved me. I have to get up and take care of them, and they provide so much company. I would be really depressed if I were home all day, feeling crappy, and didn't have them to snuggle with! 

Denise-G

Hi, I am single, but my mom lives in the adjoining condo which has helped so much.  However,  I try not to be overly dependent upon her. I am almost through with 5 months of chemo.  I understand your fears about chemo and reactions.  But usually, if reactions are to occur, my chemo nurses say they happen immediately at the infusion center.

 I have had to ask friends for help.  I was always so independent, this was the absolutely hardest thing for me.  I did not have the energy to go to the grocery store.  That was the most difficult thing for me.  Having friends drop me off like an 85 yr old!  Ridiculous!   But I had no choice.

My sister came over and helped me clean.  My house isn't as clean as it used to be, but tolerable. 

Other friends have taken me to chemo infusions, but actually, I like to go alone because I can talk to alot of different people who are always inspiring.

This whole journey is one big learning experience.  I've lost some friends, and others who I least expected have been absolutely amazing to me.  Just learning everything I have learned, is one positive of a BC. 

Thanks for starting this thread.  It makes me feel not so alone!  My best to you!!!

Galsal

although I'm single, one of my Sisters and my Son live the immediate area so I'm quite blessed.  my friends have been superb and I'll need to lean on them again since I can't be by myself for a week or two after recon surgery, per my PS 

gonegirl

yeah, i've had to learn to ask for help. not much choice.  i have an uncle and aunt who live about 1/5 hours away and cousins who live 2 hours away, but no other family nearby. 

i used the site lotsahelpinghands.com to put requests out there and that worked well. then i found out i needed to do more chemo and i became overwhelmed about having to ask for more help. a friend told me to get over feeling like a burden and ask for help anyway. i did and some folks are coming forward, which i'm very grateful for.

the chemo has been taking everything out of me (I'm on Taxol and Herceptin once a week) so i definitely need help getting to farther away appointments (driving while exhausted is not safe).  plus, i joined a local group that helps folks age in place called capitol hill village. i can make requests through that.  right now i have a guy who comes over once a week to help me take my garbage out. then i have a lady who calls me every day at 6:30 pm just to make sure i'm still alive and kicking.

my hope, since I'm responding so well to the chemo, is that I get some years of maintenance and energy. but if that doesn't happen, i'll have to look at selling my house and moving to a condo.  i don't have the energy now to maintain a house.

camillegal

Hi--I've been alone for all my treatments and not such good days, but have been blessed with dgts who have stayed with me overnight for surgeries, which was nice--but otherwise it didn't bother me--People would stop by for different things but most of the time I always felt like bein alone. For some reason it never bthered me and if I did need something they woud call and take care of it. But I have been alone for many years so that culd be why.

CynthiainChicago

'So glad you posted.  I tried posting on this topic on the Stage 3 forum. I totally understand where you are coming from.  You are in a really tough spot.  I have no sibblings, no partner and no kids. Chemo reactions aside, you have a right to want general support a couple of nights a week, and no it isn't easy to come by.  My best friend more or less dropped me after my diagnosis and accused me of being a drama queen.  ( No doubt you caught the Stage 3 remark earlier.  This is pretty high drama!)

I can only suggest, if you want more support, keep reaching out and try not to take peoples hesitancy personally.  If people can't cope with your illness it is often THEIR issue. If you want contact spell out exactly what you want to ease their uncertainty.  ...To be able to talk about your situation, not to be asked questions, to talk about trashy TV once a week for a break.

The good news?  If you put yourself out there, support comes from totally unexpected places.  Of my 7 first cousins only 2 came to visit, but one person I met on vacation sent me a card every other week for an entire year.  Some people get it.  You just have to cross pathes with them.  

If you have hobbies or do clubs try to stick with them - or join new groups if you can muster the emotional effort.  I joined a new church and now two years later I am actually developing some really friends and support there.  One person who is a survivor came to help straighten out medical bills once a week for several months.  Point:  Support comes from unexpected people who are often just aquaintances. It also often comes from others touched by cancer. 

Hang in there. Give yourself permission to need people.  You are facing BIG issues. Try as best you can.  Did you consider looking for a cancer buddy or peer counselor?  "Y-Me" matches patients at all stages with peer counselors with the same diagnosis.  Sorry to ramble on.  Trying to help.  Your new friend.    

ma111

I was just alone. My sister would take my 16 year old daughter so that she would not have to see me sick.

Ask your onc if they can send a nurse to the house to check on you. If I had it to do over again that's what I would do.

Keep coming here so you don't feel too alone and scared. It's not a fun thing to go through. American cancer society will set you up with someone to go to chemo with you.

Alicethecat

Hello!

I still feel it is easier to get through a diagnosis of breast cancer when we're not married or have children.

We don't see their pain, we don't feel their pain, we only feel our own pain and we can concentrate on getting better!

In the fullness of time I hope to meet a new man. The right man for me will recognise the journey I have been on, be appreciative and move on. Don't want to be a breast cancer or chemotherapy patient all my life. Just want to live - for however long that might be - and things are looking good for us all overall:

http://www.umm.edu/patiented/articles/how_serious_breast_cancer_000006_6.htm

Best wishes

Alice

RaychlD

Single with two children and because of them, I'm seldom alone. But, seeing my pain reflected in their eyes has to be one of the most difficult things this mom, used to be Super-mom has to deal with. I hate being alone and even if some may feel that's wimpy, I don't care. I am incredibly social and the first thing I learned about this horrible disease is how isolating it can become. I'm lucky because of all my beloved friends and family, they for sure keep me going. I'm learning to accept help and be less than 100percent independent.

Raych

gonegirl

Raych, I'm not too fond of being alone. I joke with people that I should show up at a speed dating event looking like this. :-)  Good for you for having family and friends around.  I have friends helping too, along with family. Most of my family is a distance from here so they can't be here all the time, so I mainly rely on friends. A few have dropped out I think because this was just overwhelming for them. Such is life.  My nephews have both flown in a couple times to help, God bless them.  I have one aunt who keeps talking about how hard this must be because I'm alone. I want to say to her, better to be single through this than to be with someone who is not nice to me. That would just make it worse.

fishinurse

I was recently disagnosed with stage 2 idc,triple negative. Found the lump on may 15,had. A diagnostic mammogram on may 17. The man I had been dating for 2 years held my hand while I was in tears looking at the mass on the screen during the ultrasound the radiologist ordered. He promised he would be there for me. Well, guess what? That was the last day I saw him. He wasn't there for my lumpectomy on. June 13,he called me less and less and is now out of my life.

gonegirl

Fish. I'm so, so sorry. what a jerky thing to do. the only thing i can say is you'll be ok and tell friends and family what you need. i wouldn't make it through without the help of my friends and family. it's sad to grieve a relationship and this at the same time.



susan

fishinurse

I try not to focus on the negative. I ama firm believer that things happen for a reason. My daughter moved in with me to help me out. I have a lot of family and friends to help me out. I have had so many blessings since this began. I wonder about future relationships, but, I need to focus on what is happening

Cindyl

I live with my mother who is an MS patient who is totally wheelchair bound; she needs someone to take care of her, so she wasn't much help taking care of me.  Company of course and she could call for help if we'd needed it but otherwise...  I was lucky in that I didn't have chemo.  We do have care givers for Mom for while I'm working and for those days when I just could do everything that needed to be done.  They were a Godsend at times. I needed a couple of rides (for surgery and follow up when I wasn't allowed to drive) and I have one friend who is always ready to listen when I need to talk and talk and talk. 

Denise-G

Fishinurse, I am SO VERY SORRY you had to deal with this jerk plus the BC diagnosis.  It is so heartbreaking.  A similar thing happened to me.  The guy I had been dating texted me 2 weeks before my Mastectomy that he had fallen in love with someone else.  In those 8 months, he sent me 1 or 2 FB messages.  Recently, he called me.  I didn't return his phone call, obviously. 

Cancer changes relationships.  It is the most difficult lesson I have had to learn.  My prayers and thoughts are with you.

fishinurse

It is such a huge disappointment isn't it? I tell myself it is better yo find out now. I believe things happen for a reason, maybe there are better things ahead. Are you ok?

karen333

There is a heartrendingly true post about this bc journey and relationships, who stands by you who flees.  If you type in my name and in the topic print I wish I had had this post, it will come up.  I cannot take credit for it but it touches your soul.  Take a few minutes to read it.  Karen

gonegirl

There are folks who just can't handle this kind of thing.  I discovered this when my mom died. I've had a few folks drop off during this journey, but most have stayed.  when my mom died, someone told me that there will be people who i think will help me but who will drop away and then there will be people i have no expectations of, maybe complete strangers, who will step up and help me through. and that certainly was true.

I love the character Madea from the Tyler Perry movies.  I found this clip a while ago and it helped. Not the best recording, but incredible advice.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvkWija1kE0&feature=related 

dogsandjogs

Alice: My kids were grown and out of the house when I was diagnosed the first time. It was much easier for me to deal with the cancer without them being in the house. I tried to make light of the whole thing so they wouldn't worry, because if THEY worried I would feel even worse.  My Mom and I were not getting along at the time so I didn't even tell her the surgery date. She found out somehow and did visit me during the 5 days I was there,  but it was not a good visit.

The second time I had a neighbor take me for the lumpectomy and another neighbor bring me home. Luckily I did not need any help afterwards. My dogs behaved wonderfully. I think they knew I wasn't myself.

I find that the less I tell my family about my health, the better I feel. I don't want them to worry and I don't want them to feel pressured to help me in any way. My mom was a big-time guilt-inducer and I never wanted to be that way myself.

2miraclesmom

My problem is I had tons of help during the chemo, but everyone seems to think as soon as you are done with chemo that the hard part is over. They do not understand how hard radiation is having to go to the dr everyday, 5 days a week, for 6.5 weeks. Not to mention the Herceptin every three weeks. I am exhausted and our house is being foreclosed on Sept. 4. I am also taking classes since my dr will not let me work right now. I wish people understood that it isn't over when the chemo ends. They need to understand that the effects last longer than that and that while we might not need as much help, a little help every once in a while would be nice. 

gonegirl

2miracles. i am so, so sorry. i know the hardest thing for me is asking for help, telling people i need help. i know how you feel. I'm just so sorry you're going through this

dogsandjogs

Fish, that is truly horrible--you are better off without him that's for sure. If only these guys would be honest; it would be easier to take. My friend's boyfriend told her he was sorry, but he was too old and tired to deal with her cancer.  Cold, but at least honest.

I was lucky that I didn't have a boyfriend or husband when I discovered my cancer. So didn't have anything to lose---odd to think of it that way, but it was a relief.  I spent my time trying to be upbeat so that my grown sons wouldn't worry.

Dawnieduckie

So, does anyone have any tips to get by easier during chemo?  Just around the house sorts of things?