So pissed at my brother

teeballmom

I am so angry right now I can't sleep! 

My mother who is 85 has lived with our family since 2009 when she suffered 2 strokes within 5 months of each other.  She's diabetic, has high blood pressure and cannot be left alone by herself for extended periods of time because her memory is horrible.  She will forget to take her meds, forget to eat and if left to her own devices, she would probably burn the house down because she would forget to turn the stove off if she tried to cook something.  I've been her caretaker, not hard but not very easy because she is very high maintenance but my family and I for the last 3 years have made it work.  When I received my diagnosis of BC, I called my brother and told him that I needed him to take care of her until my surgery and treatments were over.  He's 8 years older than I am and extremely financially capable of taking care of our mother and her needs. Originally both he and his wife said no problem, don't worry about it and that's what families do for one another. 

This evening he left me a message to call him.  He has decided that he doesn't want to continue having someone care for our mother any longer during the day and can't afford it anymore.  What?  You will happily send thousands of dollars per month to support over half of your wife's family back in her birth country but you won't have someone sit with mom while you and your family work during the day?  (He won't even take a few days off from work to care for her).  Nor will you contact her doctor to ask if there's some type of service that her insurance offers for in-home nursing care during the day?  And you live in a large city but surprisingly you say that there are no senior day care centers in the area.  How interesting that he just knows this without researching the information.  My mother can pay some money out of her savings each month if they can get some nursing help in for her but he wants me to handle all of it on my end.  (I am about 8 hours away from them and her health insurance benefits for this type of service will not work where I am living or I'd do it here).  Did I mention that his and his wife's plan are to leave my mom alone in a house with no telephone, a tv that gets 2 channels and leave her to her own devices to fend for herself for over 14 hours a day. When I mentioned that she could die, he said "Well, there's nothing I can do about that."  O.K.  And this is the same family who told me not to worry about mom, they'd take care of her and I just needed to focus on getting better.  Well that sentiment didn't last long.  My brother is a schmuck!!!!

Well, I contacted my mother's best friends' daughter in AZ who handles senior care late last night and she has a lot of contacts in the industry. This is probably who I should have contacted in the first place.  She's going to get with her contacts and see if there are any services available in my mom's area.  They're so sweet and have even offered to pick up my mother and take her back to live with them until I am capable of caring for her again if they can't find anything suitable for her. 

I just can't deal with this right now.  My brother doesn't even ask how I'm doing.  It's just always about him.  I don't know.  Thanks for letting me vent.  Now I'm going to try to get some sleep.  I should have filled the prescription for my anti-anxiety pills.

Take care everyone!

debbie6122

Teeballmom- Wow, I agree, your brother is a shcmuck! I not only feel bad for you that you are having to be the only one helping your mom while fighting BC but, I feel so bad for your mom as well. Her son just literaly kicked her to the curb. It makes me so sad when i see parents aging and the kids act like they dont have time for them or don't  want anything to do with them, making excuses why they can't care for them. It breaks my heart!!

Your moms DD is sweet to of taken care of this for you. I wish you and your mom well. Best Wishes!

Debbie

camillegal

U've got a lot going om now. Boy do u. And it sounds as if once u'r brother and his wife talked it over someone talked into his ear to chang his way of thinking.--I don't know know--but all i can say is I think as a couple sulfish comes to mind. I'm glad u have a friend to help u--because now it's about you.

luv_gardening

Teeballmom, you might find the women on this thread helpful as they are all caring for aged parents and may know what services are available in your state.

Aging Parents Anonymous
community.breastcancer.org/forum/79/topic/766411 

My mother was getting Alzheimer's during my treatment and not taking her insulin though she was convinced she was taking all her meds and cooking full meals, also she was not throwing out rotting kitchen trash which we found piled up in her garage.  We had to stage an emergency and call an ambulance to get her admitted to hospital where she finally had a proper assessment under the Australian health system.  She's in a care hostel now with a little independence and full medical care though she hates it there. She is too stubbornly independent to let her kids care for her in any way.

It's normal for siblings to fight over these issues. They all have issues with rivalry and wanting to feel important and wiser than their siblings.  I imagine your brother didn't realise how much was involved when he volunteered to help, and underestimates her helplessness as he hasn't seen what can go wrong.  I noticed a lot of denial by my siblings about how bad Mum's memory was or how it was affecting her.  It would be nice if siblings could just admit their failings and feelings of inadequacy and cooperate on a working solution rather than brush it under the carpet.  I hope your mom has legal papers for a will, Power of Attorney, etc sorted out.

Best of luck.  It will all get sorted and you'll see the light at the end of the tunnel one day. (((((Huggs)))))

Isabella4

Tee...this happened to me...quite some years ago now, but it stank.

My grandmother was in the same state as your mother, totaly unsafe to leave alone, and I was an hour away by car. She had 2 daughters, my mother and her sister, and my sister, all living within 2-3 miles of her. They did not want to know, visited her once a week, all together...no spacing it out to keep check on her. I could only visit on weekends, having 2 jobs to do.

The last time I went across I could stand it no longer. I pointed out that grandma could fall either down her steep stairs or down the stone steps into her cellar. My mother replied..'well, we will get her into a care home then' ! They all trotted out their excuses as to why they wouldn't take grandma, and turned tail and left...just like that.

I had no choice but to scoop grandma up, put her in my car, and take her home with me. I had a full time job, a parttime job and 2 children 13 and 10, plus a foster daughter of 6. We managed. Don't know how, but between us we sorted her. My daughter had to have time off from school when I just could not get out of work. She lived with me for almost a year, until she died, and NOT ONE of her daughters, nor my sister ever came to my house to see her. A whole year, and no visitors. They were SO mad with me for 'taking over'...so took it out on grandma. She constantly asked for them, but they were not bothered....the next time they saw her she was laid in a box. Families...there is no end to the squirming they do to get out of caring for someone who cared for them for years...nothing has to interfere with their little lives.

I hope you come to some sort of answer with your mother.

Isabella.

lago

Tee you aren't going to change the shcmuck. Is there anyway you can find a geriatric social worker in that city to handle this? They know the resources. I'm not sure what your religious affiliation is but they might have programs in her city too… especially if it is a big one.

debbie6122

Isabella- Your story made me cry. So very sad.

Cindyl

Tee so sorry to hear your brother failed you and your Mom.  I know where you are coming from and it sucks.

teeballmom

Thanks everyone for listening to my rant.  Great news.  My mom's best friend's daughter and son are getting my mother to Arizona in the next couple of days so she can be cared for by their family.  I am so grateful that I almost started crying on the phone.  My mom spoke with her best friend this morning and told her that she felt like a piece of trash sitting in a jail cell.  Their family's immediate response was "We need to get her away from there".  They told me they're taking care of all the arrangements and to just take care of myself.  All I can say is Wow!

Thank you again!

debbie6122

teeballmom- Thats great, sounds like she will be in good hands while you focus on your TX and recovery.

teeballmom

So the plot thickened today.  An hour before my mom was supposed to go to AZ she fell and the stories that we getting from my brother's family are all conflicted.  Sounds like nobody was with her when she fell.  No ambulance was called until right before my mom's best friend's son arrived to take her to AZ.  So she's taken to the emergency room by the ambulance, is found to have a fractured vertebrae in her lower back, my DH's best friend goes to the ER to be my eyes and ears for me, she's released into DH's friend's care, they get her back to her home, and then my brother and his family decide they're leaving because they're pissed at me for having DH's best friend at the house keeping an eye on things for me.  A lot more "strange" information keeps trickling in from several sources.  Makes me wonder what really happened in that house today.

So for now, DH's best friend called his wife over to the house to help take care of my mom and if she's feeling o.k. in the morning, she'll be on her way to AZ in the afternoon so she can be given the care she needs by her best friend's family (who are all medical people).  My mom's best friend's son who will be taking her has already retrofitted his SUV and has a bed set up in the back so she can lay down and sleep all the way there.  Love that family!

Mom kept saying that if this hadn't happened, she'd already be in AZ talking the night through with her best friend.  How sad is that?