Only child, single mom - bilateral breast cancer

delda_25

Dear All,

 Apologies for the disconnected subject title. I realise that my post is very long but this forum is like a vent/release for me. It feels soothing/less lonely to be amongst people going through the same horror.

My mom (44) has been diagnosed with bilateral breast cancer (IDC in right and DCIS in left). Dad left 20 years ago and I'm 23 now. We've both had hard lives so far esp mom who is a school principal. Anyway, I have just graduated and joined my first job abroad which I'm loving. Just when we thought life was finally good and mom  could relax, bam!

I don't know what to do. Should I resign and stay with her full-time as a care-giver (since we live in different countries and it's virtually impossible for me to get a good job where she lives + many family complications are involved in my staying there)? I took a month off from work to support her during mastectomy - right side and lumpectomy - left side. I desperately love her and feel incredibly upset/suicidal. I sincerely wish it had been me instead!

She is all I have and I am terrified to bits. How should I proceed? My mom's parents (who are incredibly wealthy) and sisters are taking excellent care of her at the moment but still I feel very guilty for not being with her. I am very confused and scared. Is it selfish of me to visit her only just every two months and go on with my life?

I am crying my eyes out - in secret.

Please advise..

Many Thanks,

Lost & scared

Cynthia1962

Delda-25 - It's normal to worry about someone we care so much for, especially a parent.  It sounds as if your mom is receiving excellent care at the moment and that's the most important thing for her.  So, there is no reason for you to feel guilty in anyway.  You took time off work to help her earlier and she is doing well now and knows you love her.  I can't imagine that your mom would want you to sacrifice your job and become her full-time caregiver, especially since it sounds as if she has help.  There are many ways to help your mom so consider what else she might appreciate besides your presence.  Keeping in touch, letting her vent, a card now and then, etc all show you're thinking of her.  Good luck!

proudtospin

oh dear, sorry you have this confusion as there is no easy answer

I can tell you that years ago when my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer/bone cancer, I ran to  get out of town.  Took a job in another state, but it did not last for me as the worry about mom was too much.  I was going back and forth across the country many times, would get panic calls from my sister during crisis.  Finally I quit and come back so at least I was with her the last months.

maybe you are stronger than me, do not know but if I had it do again, I would not have left.

jenlee

delda25, I'm so very sorry that your mom and you are going through this.  I know that when I was diagnosed about 6 months ago, there was talk of my mom coming across the country to stay and help indefinitely... that is, until I was consulted.  My case was different, because I was having chemo first (which I just finished) and will then be having surgery.  The reality is that I was hoping I wouldn't be living like an invalid and wouldn't need a caretaker, and in fact I didn't really need much help at all.  I will be having support of friends/relatives when I have my surgery, but other than that, I don't really want or need much help.  You didn't mention your mother's staging and current health status and that probably makes a difference. If her prognosis is good, she certainly won't need a caregiver.  Perhaps you can take it a few months at a time...  Stay where you are, stay in touch frequently, visit as much as you can, and see how it goes.  Best wishes with your decision!

mdg

I am so sorry you and your mom must face this BC crap!  It stinks - period!  Give it time - if your mom has been diagnosed early she will be OK. I know it is overwhelming but your mom would probably want you to continue to live your life.  As a mom I would not want my child to have to compromise their life for me.  Can you get a counselor or talk to someone about your feelings?  Don't keep it all in.....find someone to talk to.  You and your mom will get through this.  Hugs!

Momhelper

There is no right answer for anyone in this matter. I am an only child, divorced with a child in another country going to college, and a 17 year old living on her own in my house while I am 3000 km away with my mom who has BC. Either solution is crap because someone you love is going through a very hard time.

It took me 3 to 4 months to come up with my answer whether I should come or not. I am lucky in a way because I was able, after a little battle, to be posted temporarily in the same city as my mom. I work for a public bank. My life is upside down, but being with my mom is the most important thing at this moment. She has sisters and friends who  help, but a daughter is something else. With us, they can lift the masks and be truthful about their feelings.During the weekends the well meaning helpers disappear because they have their lives to live.It rests upon us, daughters, to be with our moms.

You are so young. While your mother wouldn't want you to give up your life for her, there is another side of the coin: it is how you feel about you not being with her.  Only you can answer that question. Get help and go through with your inner feelings. I am 48, older than your mom. If I was her, I  would probably want you to keep on with your life. BC is manageable. Your mom will be OK without your constant presence. The question here is: can you be away? I can't because I feel my mom needs me, and I need to be here. Everytime I go home to be with my daughter I realize that I am doing the right thing.But in my case, my mom is 71, but looks younger. With BC she lost a life filled with fun, going out dancing, going to the gym, travelling, boyfriends, etc.  I was only capable to make her go out twice before the side effects of chemo hit her bad. I am the only one who can fight with her, and try to make her to go out and be her normal self. It is too hard to explain it here. Maybe I can say that I am the only one she can figth with, tell me horrible things, and  it is OK. She only got really mad when I told her doctor (in front of her) about her suicidal thoughts. I shouldn't have crossed the line there. But even this did not stop her to tell me when she feels like dying, or when she is full of energy and is seeing life in a bright way. There are only two people she feels comfortable to spill her inner feelings: me and her male nurse who helped after the 2 surgeries she had. He is a sweety and we joke he is her psychologist, not nurse. The psychologist she went to, she hated. Don't know why.

Anyway, good luck with your decision. Life is like that, always surprising us, but not always in a good way. We have to take the lemon it gives and make it sweet as key lime pie. The right way? It is a secret no one knows until they pass through it.I am in the middle of the way, and after 3 to 4 months struggling with the right decision, I am happy I came to be with her.

gale1525

Even though both my daughters put there lives on hold for months at a time I feel incredibly guilty that they sacrificed their lives to help me. I was glad they were their because I didn't have any choice. But my one daughter did not do a internship because of me, which has impeded her from getting the job she wants. Your Mom has others taking great care of her and she might want you to go on with your life. Just let your Mom know how much you care.