Thank you everyone. Mom passed today at 2:15.

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maccupiccu
maccupiccu Member Posts: 67
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

Thank you everyone who has following my story with my mom. She passed today at 2:15. I can't say it was peaceful  but we did have a lot of peaceful moments.

Monday--signed DNR, hospice paperwork. She was weak but shuffling along. 

Tues--called since I had work and was going to school. Same. She was fine.

Wed--brought my 3 year old son to say goodbye. She was weak, in bed, on oxygen and "with it" but very, very tired. We had a wonderful visit. My son was playing in her room, telling her she was going to be better, asking what the oxygen was, saying she is going to be all right. My mom was crying some over my dad being an asshole all her life. My son grabbed tissue and wiped her tears saying "dont' cry grandma you will be alllll better." And she said "come here you" and gave him a huge hug and kiss. He then kissed her hand saying "no worries grandma" and we left.

Thurs it was just me all day/afternoon. Things started out good. She was tired, weak and we talked about nonsense--where I'm going on vacation, what's on tv, what I'm planting. But then things got scary. She was hallucinating telling me things that haven't happened in 30 years. Then she was laughing asking me how I was having that thing drop down on my head--was it a button. I knew she was bad so since she thought it was funny I went along. Then things got scary. She said she was falling and leaning on a chair (she was lying in bed). We gave her more morphine and ativan drops. She then was "sleeping" but was still jumpy/scared. I held her hand telling her it's ok, she's in bed, not falling, I'm here for her and I will protect her. She fell asleep and my dad said to get back home to my son. So I did.

He called me in an emergency 3 hours later saying she isn't waking up. She was breathing (death rattle) but couldn't be awoken. She fell into unconsciousness.

I saw her Friday when she was unconscious. Total death rattle. We suctioned her fluid. Nurse came and opened the emergency kit. All functions minus low  pulse/heart were done. She said expect hours. I stayed until 8pm. Dad told me to go home.

Went there this morning (Sat) she was the same. Gave her the drops. Dad didn't sleep in 3 days so I told him to rest. I was a mess so I laid down. He told me about noon to get back to my son and come back. I told her I loved her and was coming back. I joked with her that it's no longer the 13th so it's ok for her to go (she as very supersticious). I told her my life was better becuase of my son and she was right that having a baby was the best thing to do. I said never worry about me and it's ok to let go. I was sorry for everything, her life (it was bad) and she did an amazing and good job with me. I knew she tried so it was ok. I loved her so much. I left.

I took a nap with my son and my dad called at 2:15. He said she wasn't breathing and he called hospice. I drove there in a hurry and she was gone.

I cried, laughed, told her I'm ok, I'm so sorry I couldn't protect her. The nurse came and we talked about her life with my dad. She reinforced that nothing was my fault growing up. I did the best I could. I know that but it still hurts. 

Funeral people came and took her away. They advised me not to witness her being taken .I went outside but I couldn't say goodbye without "walking her out" so they wheeled her to the van and I told her I love her and I'm so sorry. Be in a better life and watch over me and my son. 

That was it. I have to sign paperwork tomorrow. No funeral, wake, memorial. I'ts over. I'm going to my dad's  to take away her things. He's just in the cleanup mode. He's in a limbo state but wanted to be alone so I let him.

Thank you again for all of your support. I'll be in and out wiht messages but I just needed to say thank you.

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