One year.

MaraSara

The last time I posted here was April 13, 2011, when my biopsy showed clear.

I was worried, last year, because my mom and one of two sisters had been dx'd.

The other sister was dx'd in November. She finished her chemo and went home.

On Wednesday, I was told I needed an mri biopsy. On Monday, I will have it.

One year seemed so long at the time.

Now it just seems so long ago.



One part of me is sort of hoping Monday's biopsy turns up with BC, so I can be insured to get the girls chopped off.

One part of me is throwing up at the permanence of disfigurement.



I feel....so lost, and would appreciate hearing from anyone who relates.

J-Bug

I was amazed after having a bmx, how quickly I adjusted. I feel lighter, freer and more confident. I dreaded the whole thing all the way through chemo, but when it came time to face it - I pushed myself to focus on the fact that this was about preserving life, not about how I would look. 

I wish you the best. 

CLC

There is such a fine point on the pain of knowing what may be and what may not be.  I understand the feeling of not knowing what to wish for.  And the pain of knowing it isn't in your control anyway.

Please know that if you find you must have the mastectomy, you will adjust and, if you are like me, you will look back with amazement at how painful I thought the loss would be, and find that the pain of loss is minimal and the joy of living replaces it.

Please also know that if you find that you will not have the mastectomy and you must continue to monitor it, then you will, if you are like me, face the uncertainty and then move through it.

I get to experience both.  I had a mastectomy on one side, but continue to monitor the other.  I have the loss of the one breast and the ongoing monitoring on the other.  I am finding it quite okay.  I am amazed at how little I feel a loss for the missing breast and I am amazed at how matter of fact I have become with the ongoing monitoring of my remaining breast.

I wish you all of the best of luck as you move through this process.  I hope that whatever path you must follow, you find peace and strength...and a little luck, too.

Claire

MaraSara

J-Bug,

Did you do bmx in order to avoid radiation/further chemo?

If you had done bmx as your first step, would chemo have been required?



Sorry if I'm not putting these questions the right way. I mean no offense. It's so hard to talk about any of this.

DiDel

MaraSara I just wanted to say...I am a twin and after I was diagnosed (the day of my mx infact) my twin had an MRI guided biopsy on an area the docs had been keeping an eye on. The radiologist said the only reason they even biopsied it is because of me. Her results were benign. Perhaps your docs are just being super cautious because of your close family history.

The procedure was not bad at all...I took ativan to help get through it faster. I felt nothing and it seemed like it was over in no time..although it was about 45 mins.

Hugs to you and good luck Monday! I will be sending positive vibes for BENIGN results!

Diane

MaraSara

Claire,

Thank you so much for your response. I don't know which I'd prefer--one off and one not, or both off, or what.



My family has gone through so much. My mom and both my siblings have had BC. I went radio silent last weekend to hide it from my mom, thus prompting her and my dad to drive down when I was at work,.



I told my work,



None of this looks so good. I'm so highly ashamed I told anyone.



I'm just crying, now.

CLC

MaraSara...one of the lessons I learned (or learned all over again) is that it is good to cry.  Cry.  If you become too busy and you cannot cry at times (like at work), schedule time to break down and cry.  Just feel.  It is so much better that way.

Me...I cried in the car on the way to work.  I cried in the car on the way home from work.  I cried while running.  I cried while biking.  I cried in the shower.  I cried and cried and cried.  It freaking hurts to face this.  Scary and painful.  Crying is a reasonable response...

Hang in there...

J-Bug

MaraSara: I had chemo first, 4 AC/ 4 Taxol. Then I did bmx. I still had radiation after that. My tumor was 8.6 cm, so the doctors were considering this high risk. I did bmx because I had 6 or 7 biopsies, 2 other benign tumors, but all that was malignant was found in one breast. I had a lot of really huge events in my life in the last 15 years and wanted to improve my chances of not having to go through all this again. I do hear conflicting evidence that a bmx could actually do that for me, but that was the path I wanted to take with all the other things I had been through in life. In part, I was hoping for better health odds, but also in part - better financial odds. 

My doctors, more than one along the way, gave some indications that it looked like cancer before I ever got my results. The doctor doing the biopsy sat me down right afterward and said of course we can't tell until we get the results, but this really does look like cancer. It may have been very easy to tell with that tumor size though.

My best thoughts that helped me through was in that waiting time, I was able to research and try to decide what I would do IF... Once the news comes, you are forced to make decisions quickly. This waiting time is actually a moment of peace where you can breath deeply and think without the emotion of knowing. It is a difficult practice to train your brain to be peaceful with this kind of thinking, but it is so worth it.

Also, remember that you have others that have been through this that you can lean on in this experience. Their experiences will not always be the same as yours, but still helpful. I had an situation at work where a man that I worked with died very quickly from cancer - I am not remembering the kind. Anyway, a lot of my co-workers looked at me when they were discussing this with those puppy eyes. I had to take a deep breath and tell myself that his experience was just not the same as mine. Yes, I felt sad for him, but I did not let myself be so drawn into that sadness and thought a lot about how much I enjoyed working with him and his extremely fun personality and creativity, but I wanted my co-workers to understand that just because someone gets cancer, doesn't mean that they are dying soon.

Best wishes and keep us posted.  

MaraSara

JBug, I have been thinking during this, my quiet time.

I had the MR guided biopsy this morning. The doctor did not have the correct-size marker for the needle, so she just said "forget it." After all, there was another clip nearby.

The bottom line is "that with your family history, we just don't want to take a chance with you."

My sister, the oncologist with the bmx, told me that if I insisted on mris this is what you get.

My other sister, dx'd with idc, filed a grievance over this notification letter she got that said "probably not but certainly suspicious see you in six months."

And me?

Mammograms, ultrasounds, stereotactics, excisionals, mris, mri biopsies... like clockwork, now. The next step will be a summer of pathology/hospital/imaging bills fighting with my insurance and me figuring out if I owe $700 or $7000 by maybe November.

I'm sick of it.

I remember when all I got was a yearly mammogram, and am wondering whether it is suicide to state that that is enough.