Long distance helping

duckie4720

Hey guys,

My mom just recently was diagnosed with a whole list of things (she neglected her health for a while) including invasive ductal carcinoma, cirrhosis, hypothyroidism, and irritable bowel.  She's super depressed about all of this obviously and it's been really hard on her.  My dad is helping her out with her meds and going to her appts but he doesn't know much of medicine.  She just called me today to tell me that she ran out of her breast cancer hormonal therapy a couple days ago... sigh... the pharmacist was able to give her a few more pills until she can get in to see her doc but still.  I'm just concerned that she isn't staying on top of this and taking it as seriously as she should be because she's depressed and overwhelmed and not used to taking medications.  

I want to help but I'm away at school and about to start a very intense job in July.  What can I do to help her keep track of what she needs to do to stay healthy from a distance?  How can I keep track of her medications and make sure she takes them every day when I am not there?  I go home as often as I can but honestly my schedule is pretty packed and I can't devote my whole life to her.  I guess I can try to write everything down for my dad, like what everything is for specifically... suggestions?  Help please! 

dlb823

duckie, sorry about your Mom's multiple health issues.  I don't have an answer for you, but I thought I'd stop and bump your thread, so that it remains active for you.  The one suggestion I do have, if she hasn't already, is that she find specialists at the same major medical center, so that they are really in touch about her various conditions and RXs.  That seems a lot better and safer to me than being treated by many disparate doctors and offices.  

Also, I'm guessing that some of her conditions may be related.  For example, hypothyroidism can play a role in bc (many of us have it), and irritable bowel creates inflammation that also plays into the disease process.  Hopefully as she gets tx for the bc, which has got to be the major stressor on her system, all of her other conditions will start to respond to tx and be lessened. 

As a former irritable bowel sufferer, I can also tell you that the best thing I ever did was go to a naturopathic doctor who ordered a food antibody assessment (a simple blood test for food allergies) that showed I was highly sensitive to wheat.  I'd always suspected wheat was messing up my insides, but once I eliminated it from my diet, my IBS symptoms vanished.   

Good luck figuring out the support from a distance.       Deanna 

AmyIsStrong

Is there a social worker at her cancer center that can work with her? 
The short answer is - there is not ANY way you can 'make sure' she takes her meds daily.  I don't know how old you are, but you are going to have to come to terms with the fact that ultimately, this is up to her. One thing that might help is to get a weekly pill box - they are VERY inexpensive at the pharmacy - and teach her to put her daily pills in each compartment and then just open it each day and take them.  My DH was bad at remembering his daily meds and this did help him a lot.  Also, if she has a smart phone, you could teach her to set an alarm for the same time daily to 'take my meds.'  I don't know how technologically savvy she or your dad are, if this would work for them.

Also there may be a support group at the hospital or cancer center that might help her to work through some of her emotions about her diagnosis (diagnoses, really).  Again, the social worker might be able to help with this.  

But it sounds from your post that she has not been good at self-care before, and honestly, she may not change. You have to be very careful not to take the burden onto yourself, beyond the degree to which she is willing to work on this herself. I don't mean to be heartless or unfeeling at all - I mean, this is your MOM, I realize that. But you have to be careful about boundaries here, and if not, the guilt and burden of this can overwhelm you.

I am sorry you are in this position. Maybe someone with more direct experience on this will come along and offer better advice.

You sound like a loving daughter. I feel for you.  Congratulations on your upcoming graduation and new job!

Amy 

duckie4720

Thanks I appreciate it.  I know what you mean and I don't want to be callous but I'm getting to the point where I'm sick of trying to beat an ounce of hope into her.  She gets into these deep depressions and refuses to take any help or accept that it'll get better.  Sometimes she just talks about how she wants to just lay there and die.  I don't know how to make her see that it's not the end of the world and people are worse off than her.  I guess to her it seems like the end of the world.  I just get angry because if she would have taken care of herself to begin with then she wouldn't be this bad off, and then that makes me feel guilty.  I know you can't beat survival instincts into people and I accept that, I just feel horrible for getting annoyed and frustrated.  I feel like a bad person.  

CoolBreeze

The only thing you can do is let go.  Your mother is a grown adult and if she doesn't want to take care of herself, there is absolutely nothing you can say or do to make her.  My mother was an alcoholic who died of cirrhosis, and I had to learn from an early age that people do what they want and nothing you can say with change anything.  They know what they are doing, they just don't care.

So, call your mom, say hi, send cards - whatever it is you do.  But, pull yourself out of an codependancy issues with her.  Don't get annoyed and frustrated and if she starts to tell you about how she forgot to take meds or is depressed or whatever, change the subject, or get off the phone.

I had to learn not to call my parents after 5:00 pm because they'd be drunk. and not at all on weekends.  And, then it got earlier and earlier and when they retired, if I called past 11:00 am it was too late.  So, I emailed only.  You have to do what you can to protect yourself and your emotional state.

For some reason, your mother learned to cope with life by not coping at all.  She's dysfunctional and you don't have to be dysfunctional along with her.  

Let it go. 

duckie4720

"For some reason, your mother learned to cope with life by not coping at all.  She's dysfunctional and you don't have to be dysfunctional along with her."

This sentence is probably the most helpful thing anyone has said to me throughout this whole ordeal.  It hurts but it's the truth and I'll try to keep that in mind.  Thank you. 

CoolBreeze

I'm so glad it was helpful.  I do know it's not easy to break these old patterns that you have built up over the years, but like everyone has said, they won't lead to change.  The only person who can change is you, and how you react to what you can't change.

Good luck.