I'm very angry with my husband

elesha

I am reasonably new.  Got diagnosed at the end of February, I'm 33, married with a 2 year old I nursed at teh time of diagnosis, I have a stage IIIa, had a mastectomy 2 weeks ago, will start chemo in 2 weeks.

My husband  has been great all through everythign so far.  But I am just so angry, so resentful of him.  I hate him for being healthy, I Hate him for being able to go for a run when I can't, I hate him for making plans to go to the mountains without me, I hate him when he keeps repeating that "oh, its just a year you are not going to be feeilng great, but then it will be all good".  

I don't know what to do.  I am just so freaking angry - in general and with him,too... 

lovemyfamilysomuch

I hear you!  Of course you are angry, who wouldn't be after all you have been through.  Your feelings are so normal, please feel free to let us listen, we are a good support group! xo

HantaYo

Namaste!

{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}.  Of course you are angry.  You have every right to be angry. You have a very young child and have this sudden unexpected diagnosis that is rocking your world big time.  You are going through body and hormone changes and have had anesthesia and drugs and are going to be starting chemo. I know it doesn't make you feel any better knowing that it is perfectly normal to feel this way, but I just felt I needed to say it.  We have been where you are.  Your husband is in a totally different reality world than you right now and that is normal too.  Could he be more understanding, certainly, but he is coping with things in his own way and if he is normally caring and supportive he will come around.  Meanwhile lean on us here, your BC sisters.  We will be here for you in a way that husbands and those who have not been in our shoes can't.  We understand.  Come here and rant and rave and voice your feelings.  This is a very safe place.

Karla

FightingforA

Of course you're angy. It's so normal to be feeling all of those things. I think we all get angry, sad, and terrified probably 20 times a day. It's all part of this stupid roller coaster that we're on. It sounds like we have very similar diagnoses. I was diagnosed at the end of Feb as well, and was nursing when I was diagnosed. So much for it being recurring mastitis! We're so early in our treatment that it just seems like such a long road ahead. But we'll get through it. We have no other choice. I saw a quote the other day, and it was so fitting for me, so I'll share it.

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning how to dance in the rain"~Anonymous.

Pgjoh

Elesha



You and I are also very similar in both our ages, diagnosis and my reaction to. My husband. I was diagnosed in jan and had those feelings initially too...all I can say is that my feelings change and evolve and digress all the time. I think that is my new normal and I have found what helps is just accepting my feelings, looking to my friends and the other women who understand, and in times when my feelings are softer reaching out to my husband. and then you get some great days, but this experience of bc is a roller coaster. I find the ups and downs the hardest, the feeling positive and good and one little thing can send you into a tailspin. Hang in there, we will get through this. Thinking of you.



Amy

1701jms

Hi elesha:

Anger is absolutely normal! While I didn't feel angry with my husband after my second crushing diagnosis, I did feel irrational anger and resentment towards everyone healthy and happy (mostly friends and family).  I agree with Pghoj - your feelings will change and most likely the anger will subside. Reaching out to the ladies on this board is a step in the right direction for support and to discuss this.  Hang in there!

kltb04

I am about on the same time frame as you - diagnosed mid February.  Started chemo 3 weeks ago (having surgery post chemo).

It's ok to be angry.  I feel fortunate that my children are a little older (8 and 12) so they can be self sufficient when they need to be but I don't want them to HAVE to be, ya know.

I have a great DH too  and parents that are helping out 24/7 but they just totally cannot fully grasp what it feels like to be in in our situation.  I get a lot of "this is temporary, it will be ok" from DH and I just want to scream "how can you KNOW THAT IT WILL BE OK??"

Feel free to come here and vent as much as you need to.  This site is the absolute best thing I could have imagined - not only to just meet others but to meet others your age as well.  (I am a little older than you at 38 but there is no one my age at my oncology practice when I go for TX). 

My advice is also to join a chemo board for your month - someone usually starts one for each month and you can hop in and share that experience with others.  It helps SO much.  nsmolen and I are both on the same March board.  They may not be having the exact chemo you are but many side effects are the same and you can say "hey is anyone else having this" or even just get to know other people and talk.  

(((HUGS))) and hang in there...once you get past that first TX and see how things will go, it gets easier.  

:)Karri

peggy_j

I hear you. I think anger is a natural part of the BC process. Why wouldn't it be? Do you have access to any support services, like a support group and/or counseling? Our local cancer support center offered three free counseling sessions. I only did two and it helped a huge amount. I also went to a "guided imagery" class a couple times a month. (like meditation). Helped me calm down (and sleep better) and it was great to connect with others in my tribe (and see that my reactions were normal. They understood what I was going through).

I'm sure your husband is great but IMO, unless someone has gone through this, at some level they really can't understand what's it like and they'll probably say or do something insensitive, even if they don't mean to. Also, I bet he's having some emotional struggles of his own (it's probably scary for him to have his young wife get cancer!). So I'm a big fan of getting support from others who have been there.

Shrek4

0

beacon800

Oh yes, anger is totally normal and it is not your fault.  You didn't ask for this disease.

I recall being not angry at my husband but quite jealous of him for being a man and therefore not having breasts and being at almost zero risk of breast cancer.  (My rational mind kicked in and reminded me that he DID have a prostate gland that often can/will get cancer and I did not, so that was some fairness.  Weird, I know, but that's what I thought). 

I remember walking thru the mall being pissed off that all these people were walking around seemingly healthy and there I was with many problems.  However.........they are not all so well.  On that very day I got into a conversation with a Nordstrom's sales associate and talked to her about my problems.  Turns out she had bc 12 years back, node involvement too, but there she was, just fine.  It gave me hope and perspective.  Not all those "healthy looking" folks are so untouched.

Anonymous

Elesha - Been there.  This too passes, but there were a few things I had to say and ask for from him.  You don't want emotional pain, stress and adrenal rushes now (or ever, do we really) so identify them and ask for what you need for that to stop.  Yes, it's you who is feeling, but if, like my Hubby, he keeps crossing over the center line when driving you around, that is his stuff and needs to stop. 

The anger is better out than in, depression being anger turned within, less than desirable.  But you will want a way to deal with all the naturally occuring anger and frustration, fear, sadness, restlessness.  I threw some candles against a wall one day, SO utterly (no pun intended but like it) frustrated and furious that I could not find a doctor to take me or a cancer center to let me in since I am alternatives.  That felt good and I left those two holes there, they remind me not to go back to the panic or angry feelings now, I am better, it has passed, but will take you awhile to get there, it is a natural process if you are open to the flow.

Why not hang onto it - because the adrendaline fight / flight knocks down the immunity for around 30 minutes each time, instead using all energy to fight for immediate survival.  

I spend a lot of time riding through the country, beautiful music, walks in state parks, bird and geese watching.  I spend an enorrmous amount o ftime on bc.org, in my support areas.  Here I found a wealth of information from the experience of others, sincerity, laughter.  There are some of the funniest threads on here, like You know you are a cancer patient when..... and  OMG they found a cure for stupid...... and  there are put your feet up places like Fuzzy's Romp Room. So take time for the other side, the laughter and relaxing and friendship too, let the omg what shall I do rule about an hour a day as you research and find your trusted med team and keep this in balance.

Take a deep breath.  You chose the mx and chemo, it will open to you what to do with that, how to deal with it and how to ask for help.  We each find our path (contemporary conventional, integrative, Eastern, Western, traditional, old world medicine, complementary, alternative, surgery, chemo/chemo variations, core biopsies/excisionals/mxs, rads, implant rads, no rads, or some choose doing nothing at all) and we take the journey because this is much more than a medical condition, at least to me, it is more.

Diane nickname Essa

CrazyKitties

Your husband is in denial, that is why he is acting like this, making plans, etc., because he is trying to convince himself that if he acts like everything is normal, then it will be normal. We are all here for you.

apple

it's ok to be angry but it also ok to hold on to hope.  he is likely every bit as scared as you are.

"its just a year you are not going to be feeilng great, but then it will be all good".    I'm sorry you had to join us all but wish you total healing.   I wish he wasn't going to the mountains without you.. that's a bummer.  maybe you can go.

lisa-e

I would be very angry if my husband was making plans to go the mountains, if I couldn't go.  Does he intend to take your son, to give you a break, or is he arranging the help you will need when he is gone?  If not, his behavior is beyond the pale, imo.

BlueCowgirl

Elesha, first off, I want to say, yes it really, truly sucks that what should be the happiest time of your life with a new baby has turned into this. I don't have a husband or child but I was in a serious relationship headed for marriage at the time of my diagnosis. I was SO frustrated and resentful of his attitude. I HATED hearing from him that I would be just fine, that I would beat this, that in a year i would be okay, the works. I hated that he was strong and healthy and normal and just couldn't understand what I was going through, regardless of how supportive he was. I turned a lot of my anger toward him. The denial vs. anger stage...The women who posted before me nailed it, I think...It's hard to be in denial when you've had a mastectomy! It's already real for you, and he's not there yet.

For the first time in my life I would look at strangers while out at the grocery store or wherever and think, "I'd give anything to trade places with that person."

A year out, I have gained some perspective. I will say that for me at least, the anger phase is long over. Yes, I am still angry that I got BC in my 30's, but it's a very different anger. I've found productive and positive ways to channel my anger, but it took a LONG time to get there!

My best wishes for your continued healing and your upcoming treatment. There are so many people here who can relate to what you are feeling, and who understand. You have found a place where it's okay to be YOU, and I hope you will find as much comfort, support, and friendship here as I have. 

solsticegirl22

I'm glad your angry...and so you should be!  I hate it when cancer patients are told by well-meaning people to play soft music, pray and smile and count your blessings all at once.  Basically - suck it up! There will be lots of time later for that.  I believe to be mentally healthy you have to purge the anger.  Scream, shout, and ball like a baby when you have to - scream "No Fair" from the top of a mountain as often as you need to.  The pink balloons can wait!  As for your husband - he's definately in denial in my opinion.  I had one like that.  Treated me like I just had a common cold.  I understand it was his way of dealing with the fear but your fear is much more important then his right now and he should be addressing that!  Now maybe he's right - it'll all be good in a year.  But in most cases its not.  You're a much different person physically and mentally after cancer, thats all I'm going to say.  You'll both have to come to terms with that and accept the new you.