Wife with TNBC

weiseguy

I guess this is what is meant by the "rollercoaster", MRI 2 weeks ago looked good, sentinnel lymphnode initially negative last Friday. Good news right? Onc. said hold on I don't like what I see, 4/4/12 TNBC. Kinda changes things a bit. I'm worried about her, trying to get her to join a support group, our nurse specialist even had a woman who just went thru it all contact her. She seems to think she can handle it on her own. I know I'm having a rough time. Trying to get her to reach out more. I'm here for her & she knows it but I think she needs someone whose been there. Real positive up to today. Doing my best to say & do the right things. Thanks for the venting space.

CoolBreeze

Actually, she might be able to handle it on her own.  I never needed a support group, although I did find this forum helpful.  Maybe you are projecting your needs on to her?

SHE is the one with the disease and your job is not to push her into things she doesn't feel she needs - it's to listen to her and let her handle it the way she feels is best.

I know you are a loving husband and trying to help but everybody has a different way of coping and maybe hers is to digest it alone. 

weiseguy

By no means am I pushing her, I can see her starting to close off. She's gotten real quiet. Knowing her I know what's running thru her pretty head. Bills, $$$$, work. I wish I could've been there today but it was suppose to be a let's look at how you're healing here, not expecting that news. Believe me I couldn't nor would I push her into something. Never have & never will.

CoolBreeze

Okay, well, reading your first post, you seem to have a lot of ideas on how she should handle this.  You are "trying to get her to join a support group"  "Trying to get her to reach out more."  
You say, "I think she needs someone whose been there."

Well, maybe she doesn't.  Maybe she just need time.  Quiet reflection and to be left alone for a bit.

You also seem a teeny bit dismissive of her own ideas, "She seems to think she can handle it on her own."

Your wording is about what you want her to do and what you think she needs.  I think instead, you should ask her what she needs.

I can tell you my own experience - I was diagnosed almost 3 years ago.  I am Stage IV and I have been doing chemo for 2 1/2 years.  I have gone to almost every doctor's appointment, every treatment, every chemo by myself.   My husband has been with me during surgeries but most of it I've handled on my own, and just fine. 

You know your wife and I don't, but I know that nobody likes to be told how to handle their cancer.  There are a zillion threads on this board about how annoying it is for people to try to tell us what we need.

So, instead of deciding what you think she needs, ask her what you can do for her?  If she says nothing, it might just be because it's true.  She'll tell you when she needs something.

Now, if she has a history of a mental disorder, you should have mentioned that in the beginning.  I am assuming your wife is a normal functioning woman who knows what she can handle.

Lots of people can handle a cancer diagnosis just fine.  Not everybody goes to pieces. 

I sometimes think this disease is harder on our family members.  They are crazy to help us and they can't.  We are all powerless in the face of this disease.  But, your wife will come to terms with it her own way.  And, hopefully, they caught it early and she will do her treatment and be able to put it behind her.

Chevyboy

Wiseguy....CoolBreeze is right....  Some of us women just don't want everyone to be involved in what is going on with us.   Sure, we want re-assurance that we are going to be alright, but I didn't want to talk about it any more than I had to. 

My DH went with me to appointments, and after listening to all the options, we'de go have lunch or go shopping.  I wouldn't have wanted to talk to someone I didn't know...

Maybe just give her some space.... let her work this out with you, when she asks you.  Just take the lead from her.

When I had surgery, both our Daughter's & another gal-friend took their Dad shopping and had lunch...My surgeon had to call them to see if they were ready to come pick me up!   They had a party, and I thought it was great.  There is nothing better than being around up-beat people when you are going through something.... 

There is lots of time to worry, but more time to be happy.... no matter what.

Kicks

Your wife needs to allowed to handle what she is facing in her own way - respect her.



There is no one 'right' way to go down this 'bumpy road' - we are all different and we handle life differently. Certainly for some at this time they cling to each other frantically and need support from others - long known and strangers. For others of us it is a time to seek our strenght in who/what we are and treasure that our loved ones are there for us if we ask/need them.



Hubby (of 36 yrs) and Son (30) were always 'there' for me but not always there. The first 19 1/2 yrs we were married he was Navy so I had to be the strong that could and did handle whatever came up and Son obviously knew that Mom is one strong old 'witch'. Hubby went to one DRs appt with me - not because he wanted to or I asked him to but because the guys at work told him he had to. It was horrible for him and thus me. All he did was sit there staring at his feet. When I did chemo - I took myself to them as the last thing I wanted for Hubby or Son sitting there watching poison drip into me - if I'd have asked they would have. Those days they got permission to carry their cells on them turned on in case 'something' happened. Is that 'right' for everyone - Hades No but it is right for me (and mine).




Someone mentioned their loved ones went out for a party. As soon as I was in my room after mast. I sent my guys off to get a breakfast and then go to the local Humane Society to look at a dog I had seen the day before. Hubby had lost his little girl shortly after I was DX'd to cancer. He had been looking for another dog but wanted a particular breed - well there was a Black and Tan Coon Hound in there. He went there and she came home the next day (had to be spayed) so a day that was hard for him also turned out to be a happy day.



Support groups - not my 'cup of tea' in general. I did go to one BC support group and it was nothing but a giant Pity Party - so negative. I choose to dwell on positive not wallow in negative. Now that I'm a bit over 2 yrs since end of rads, might go back again and see if I can give a ray of sunshine.



Life goes on and keeping it as 'usual' as possible makes the bad easier to swallow. Make each day count for something positive no matter how small the positive is. If you look, it is amazing how many things that you can find. Look at the beauty in nature - during chemo we had a particularly nasty blizzard but as I was looking out feeling about as grey as the sky, there were huge snowflakes that were beautiful in their artestry - something so small but so beautiful.



My faith has gotten me through a lot in life. I believe that life is but a journey we are on with a beginning and an ending. It is up to us to either learn and grow from the bumps/ruts or just stop and never see what is just around the next bend/over the next hill.



Do what you think you need to do for YOURSELF! Let your wife do what SHE needs to do. Do not assume that either of you fit into some mold that someone says is what's right. But then again I don't know you and you very well might be a MCP and it's your way and your way alone.



Prayers

Anonymous

Give her some time, mate. Just be there for her and she'll show you the way.

weiseguy

To a person everyone says the same. Agreed, I'll give her time & space (great hockey term by the way). Her and my 2 kids are all I have. Lost my dad in 2010, mom was out of the picture LONG time ago. She called and wants to watch the game tonite, that's the woman I fell in love with. Thanks to all.

brenda69

I think Wiseguy came here for support and it sounds like everyone is venting on him?  Just saying.

Morgan513

Hi Weiseguy--

When I went through diagnosis and treatment, I wanted to talk to a TNBC Survivor for reassurance.  I couldn't handle visiting message boards such as these because it all was overwhelming and scared the you-know-what out of me.  I felt like I was readying myself for battle and needed to concentrate on the task at hand.  But, how you handle this is a very personal thing.  Some people need to talk to everyone, others are very quiet and introspective.  It takes a while to get your head around what's happening to you and it will take a long time for her to get used to the fact that life will never be the same.  Patience from the ones who love her is key.

Please feel free to have her PM me.  I'd be glad to share what I know and tips to get through this. 

BTW, I just celebrated my 4 year cancer-free anniversary.  I wish the same for her!

Lorrie