Husband with breast cancer

jrowden

My husband was diagnosed with breast cancer in Nov of 2009.  the surgeon told us that he had probably had it for 10 years as the size was 4 times as large as what they take out of a woman.  they treated him very aggressively with chemo, radiation and harmone therapy.  (femarra). 

the chemo treatment was very hard on my husband.  by the end of the treatment, he was in a wheel chair with claw hands as the chemo had destroyed all of his nerve endings.  he was just now starting to walk with a cane and still has very limited use of his hands.  then, we just found out last thursday that his cancer has metastaticized (i hope that is the correct word) to his lungs and in the lymph nodes going down his spine.  his doctor said he cannot do chemo as he is still trying to recover from the last set and he starts tamoxofin tomorrow.  i have no idea what to expect, and  I try to understand what he is going through, but i dont know how to help him the way "he" wants me to help him, and i just feel like i am making things worse.  he says i just dont understand...it is different for a man aparently,and i am at a loss.  i am scared too, but he acts offended when i get upset like only he has the right to be scared.  he is not in the best of health, and on top of it he had diabeties, which only makes things worse.  i need help trying to understand how HE is going through it so i know how to help HIM. 

steelrose

Hi jrowden...

I'm very sorry that you're going through this with your husband. My Dad had breast cancer and I was his caregiver. I don't think men are all that different in the emotions we experience at Stage IV. Women in general may be more willing to discuss things but we all experience some form of anger, depression, feelings of isolation, anxiety, and of course fear! Because your husband's Stage IV diagnosis is so new, he is still trying to adjust to it. And he's on a new medication and trying to adjust to that as well. Give him some time and try to understand that he's frustrated when he tells you that you don't understand. Maybe he'd consider reading some of the posts here by other men?

Sending love and best wishes...

Rose.     

Racy

jrowden, I'm very sorry to hear about your husband's diagnosis. As a person who has had cancer myself, it does upset me when family say they are scared or upset themselves because of my cancer. I try not to be selfish but when a person has cancer it really is all about them. A person who hasn't experienced cancer directly can only imagine what it is like but can't truly know all the physical and emotional challenges. The patient is not in a position to support family members emotionally when he/she is so personally and emotionally affected and must focus on him/herself. Even though you are married and would normally expect and receive support from your partner, when one has a life threatening illness, it's not a normal situation as the burden on the patient is so great.



In regard to how you can support your husband, that depends on what he needs. You can ask him. Maybe he just needs you to listen, do practical things, take him on nice outings, handle relatives. Take your lead from him.



Regarding support for yourself, you may benefit from counselling, and there is a forum here for care givers, where you can talk with others in the same situation. You do need and deserve to be supported too and these are two avenues.



If your husband is struggling emotionally, he may also benefit from counselling or medication. He could ask his primary doctor about these options.



Your husband could also get a lot of support from posting here and connecting with others with a similar diagnosis. Men are welcome here.

Charles_Pelkey

JRowden,

I posted on your original thread but I want to repeat that you are welcome to contact me if you have questions: Charles@Pelkey.com

or to call me at my office:

Charles F. Pelkey
Corthell and King, P.C.
221 South 2nd
Laramie, WY, 82070
Office: (307)742-3717
Mobile: (307)920-0542

Serem

I'm really sorry. If only I knew where you Live, I would pay you a Visit.

I wish him Quick recovery