New to Stage 3 ( sort-of)

Wrongchick

 Hello Stage 3 sisters, 

I was diagnosed in November but have been mostly lurking since then.  Lately I've been having nightmares and thought I'd reach out to my other Stage III sisters and say howdy.  I have a great support system, but I find myself haunted by thoughts that I'd rather not share with my loved ones.  

A little about me: I'm a 43 years old, married with two daughters ( almost 6 and 2) and a dog.  In my pre-parenthood life, I was a teacher, but have been the "director of domestic operations" since my oldest was born.  I really hope to return to my career one day, perhaps when the little one is in school.

  I was diagnosed with the mother-load tumor in November.  I was still breastfeeding and had very lumpy breasts and a kid with a weird latch, so I thought for sure the lump was some sort of plugged duct or something.  My mom was dying of Stage IV BC (IBC ) at the time, so I probably waited longer than I should have to get it checked out.  I feel sick with guilt about the delay...but that's another post, I guess.  

Treatment wise, I've done 4 cycles of AC, then BMX (no reconstruction) and now am about to start #2 of dd Taxol.  After chemo will be rads, then estrogen-sucking drugs and etc. etc. Right now I'm trying my best to take it one hurdle at a time, but am finding it increasingly harder to feel confident. Before  BC, I was a glass half-full type of gal... and my goodness, I miss her.

As many have said, so sorry to have to meet you all in this way, but feeling grateful for the ability to connect.

I hope everyone is having a good ( or at least, not an extremely awful ) day.

ali68

Hi hun, i'm 44 last month and i feel the same. i can't stand the way i look and walk like a lttle old lady. Had such bad side effects i will cry the night before as i know i will be in bed for five days in terrible pain.My sex life has gone and i said that would never happen. Plus side my chemo is working well so really i should be happy -but i'm not.

lkc

Hi sweet girls. I am posting to hopefully give both of you encouragement. I had a nasty a** tumor, ( so said my surgeon ) 12 positive nodes, lymph and vascular invasions, AND her 2 positive to boot.I I had to stop work and relocate to get my tx ( I am from the states, but had moved to the islands earlier ) I  had just lost my mom to BC and NEVER ,EVER expected to have to deal with a stage III dx ( I am a nurse and super diligent about SBEs & mammos) Anyway, throughout my treatment I actually very closely resembled Uncle Fester from the Adams Family. I could not imagine ever  having my wonderful "life" back and not having that nightmare BC cloud over me.

It is now 1 month shy of 7 years and I am just back from getting my annual NED report. Life is back to better then wonderful as I treasure it more now.

Have faith, come here often for support!

Many Blessings!

You will too, trust me.

lkc

What I meant to close with was "You too, will both get through this, trust me"

Denise-G

lkc - THANK YOU SO MUCH for the encouragement and congratulations!  We all needed your

great report!

jennyboog

Hey Wchick,

Sorry we had to meet here, I'm glad you finally spoke up though.  This is a wonderful site where you feel a bond with people you don't even know.  I'm glad you found us and please feel free to ask whatever you want and come here often.  I'm so sorry to hear about your mom, it does sound like you have a lot on your plate.  I have small children as well, my baby was 18 mths at dx and I thought it was some wierd milk duct thing also.  Welcome and I hope you find the support and info you need with us.

kathleen1966

Hello Wrongchick,

I'm very sorry about your mother.  I don't think you should beat yourself up too much for not getting a lump (that for most women, WOULD be a plugged duct) checked out.  You had a lot on your plate at the time nursing a new baby and dealing with your ill mother. 

There are a lot of us who delayed going in to get things checked out.  I am one of them. I never got my mammogram at 40, 41 or 42 because I was nursing. I never got one before that time because I was either pregnant or nursing.  Then a script sat in my wallet for two years....the rest is history.  I too, beat myself up over this.  But I also tell myself that perhaps my cancer may have been "younger" at this time, but my treatment may also not have been as extreme and it may have come back. I got the kitchen sink thrown at me as you likely did as well....so I now believe that my younger cancer would have responded the same way as my later more advanced cancer would have responded. Treatment will work or it won't. 

It is very, very hard to be diagnosed and treated with Breast cancer when we should be simply enjoying and raising our young children. For me, there were a lot of times that I was just plain angry. Yes, I should have been enjoying my children to the fullest but I was soo messed up, tired and worried that I would end up lashing out instead. I remember one night telling my five year old that he was too old to have his mother laying with him every night and that it was time for him to get to sleep alone.  I was being mean, I said it in a very angry and mean tone. He started to cry.  I realized what I had done, righted it and then as he lay there sleeping, I lay there silently heaving and sobbing. Soo much anger....over what was happening...and soo much worry about the future for them. Soo much going on, trying to act like everything is normal, and expectations that everything WILL be normal from everyone. Trying to go through each day and be as normal as possible....this is hard work, and it is hard on our emotions.

Maybe if we didn't have the little ones looking on, we could sob more, let more out.  But they can't see us this way or it will scare them.  Again...hard work. 

What is happening in your nightmares?  I just wanted to tell you I may understand some of what you are feeling. Well I hope today is a better day for you..... We just have to take it one day at a time and live in the moment. 

Karina121293

Hi Wrongchick. I was 43 too, when I was diagnosed, though my kids are a lot older ( 22,21). At that time my daughter had just started her MA , and I was so scared, I won't be there or won't be able to encourage her through a very important period of her life. But she is graduating in May and we got through it and I will enjoy the day when she  throws her hat. I still have my son, who is only doing his second year at the Uni. I am planning to see his graduation day too. After that I will make another deal, another goal.... And stay alive...What I am trying to say, is that your kids need you too much, so there is no other way, but surviving this disease....

I am glad you found this site, because it's a place, where we get the best support and understanding. You are still in the middle of your treatment, and that is not an easy place to be. I am sure, you will feel a lot better mentally after BMX, knowing that the tumor is removed. It's a long road, lots of ups and downs, but like many of us, you will get there. A lot of wonderful ladies on stage 3 forum are doing fine after many years and they are always there to encourage us.

I have no certain advice. Just want to welcome you, say I am sorry for your mum, I am sorry you have got this beast too. Of course none of us will ever be the same again, but there is definitely life after cancer...

Hugs and good luck.  

caaclark

Hi Wrongchick-(love the name btw),

I also had young children when diagnosed.  At the time mine were 4, 6 and 8.  I was also a teacher prior to being a SAHM and I was ALWAYS a glass half full person-probably one of those traits we both have because of our teaching experience. 

I remember being where you are now.  It is hard when you look at your kids and wonder if you'll still be around in a couple years.  There is so much fear and doubt during treatment as well as after.  I can tell you that the single thing that helped me most was to go for some counseling.  I waited until a year after I stopped treatment and that was too long!  If you can go now it will help with a lot of the fear.  I found a great counselor at the place where I was treated. 

Now, fast forward to now-It has been over 6 years since I was diagnosed.  SIX!!! I had 6+ nodes and extra-capsular extension (aka the nodes had cancer spilling out of them!)  There is lots of hope for you!  I just went back into the classroom full time after being out for years.  I am loving it and it makes me feel more like my normal self.  I teach 2nd grade now and have an incredibly high energy class-which leaves almost no time to dwell on the what ifs. 

KATHLEEN- Try not to feel bad for yelling at your 5 yr. old.  Kids don't remember things the way we do.  My daughter, who was 4 when I was diagnosed, remembers nothing about the year I had cancer. I also tried to create a sense of normalcy.  You are right-acting like everything is fine is definitely hard work!  Don't underestimate how that takes its toll.

To both of you: I am back to being a glass half full person but the glass half empty person does tend to make an appearance when it is time for a check up.

Keep coming here and posting.  If you haven't already check out the 5+ year thread.

Outfield

Wrongchick,

You will find a lot of emphathy here, and a lot of concrete suggestions.  I hate that "You are not alone" tag at the top of this forum, but in a way they got it right.  I feel so alone sometimes not having had an early diagnosis with a good prognosis, not being able to cheerily respond "yes" when some well-meaning person asks me "if they caught it early."   

I was nursing when I was diagnosed too.  It was slowing down, and as my breasts shrank it was like the tide receding away from what really felt like a small mass.  But it wasn't.  I had known there were abnormalities in that area for a long time, but they had appeared literally over the course of a few days when I had terrible mastitis.  I'm in a medical field, and I was so shocked that this had happened to me, felt so stupid that I hadn't caught it earlier, that I had made assumptions about the general roughness I could feel for so long.  But pretty quickly I realized that allowing myself to get stuck on that won't help anything now.  I really, really try not to think about that at all. I can't change it, there is nothing I can do to write that story differently.  

This is especially tough with kids.  I know I would have been scared out of my wits when I was diagnosed if I hadn't had kids, but I also know that my first real thought other than just feeling fear was that I might not be there for them.  That is the hardest part for me now, too.  And like Kathleen I had trouble yelling at them, which was the last thing I wanted to do when worried that my time with them might be limited.  That has actually improved as I've gotten to feeling better .  

I also have had nightmares.  I would get them in bouts of several nights in a row.  I tried a medication called prazosin which does help, although if I take it I'm pretty dizzy the next morning. I use it when they are frequent.  Having one night without nightmares makes it easier for me to go to sleep without dreading it, and seems to interrupt whatever's going on.  

MakingLemonade

Hi Wrongchick,  

I too waited before I had things checked. I'm 46 my son was already grown but I was waiting till my daughter was grown and off to college. I felt like it was my duty to make sure she was okay first. She just turned 20 so I felt it was now time to take care of me. I was just diagnosed in January and it is a scary ordeal. I recently found these wonderful ladies here and they are a blessing.

Good luck to you. 

jdootoo

Linda K: Where did you live in the islands? I also was an island girl for 4 years!

One love, Jackie

mauralyn

Hello All,  This is my first posting.  First of all thanks to all for stories and encouragement.  I am 42 and was first diagnosed in Oct. 2011. I've been through chemo and recent mastectomy (March 30) - all looking great until I got slammed by the path report 12/15 nodes C+.  Jumped from a st 2 to st 3.  I'm just getting familiar with all the terminology.  My family and friends are great, but I just need to say hello to people who are going through it!!!!  

  Wrongchick - sending love, and don't beat yourself up over any of it- the way things happen is not in our hands!! 

Wrongchick

Thank you, all.  I so appreciate your compassion... and the positive stories of getting past active treatment and on to the creation of the new normal. I like to think that one day I'll be there, even if it feels nearly impossible to imagine now.  I am especially grateful for the words of gentle wisdom from the other parents of young kids.    

 To be sure, the most painful loss-- more than hair or breasts, or active sex life, or feeling healthy and confident-- is the toll BC has taken on my identity as a parent.  I seem to vacillate between two extremes: the totally impatient, cranky, "I'm too tired to play horsey" mom, OR the weepy, anxious, "sure, have another- cookie" mom.  The rapid departure of hair, breasts, sex life and sense of self is awful, but I'm an adult and I can handle it..or at least try to.  My poor kids depend on me to pull up my big girl panties and get on with it, and I confess that many days the underwear remains down at the ankles, so to speak. 

It is nights like these when a  small but meaningful glass of red wine would be soooooo helpful.  But I  just had #3 dd Taxol on Friday...so   even if we had a bottle in the house, I couldn't ask my poor liver to add insult to injury. L-Glutamine on the rocks just doesn't seem to cut it.  Maybe I need to add an olive? 

beau

Hi Wrong chick,

 Lots of people have chimed in with great advice. I just want to add 2 things:

1) when I got my diagnosis, one of my good friends had gone down the path before me; she had been diagnosed with stage 3 11/11 nodes, grade 3. 7 years later when I got the diagnosis, she was my first call. She is going great and now has grand kids!

2) When I went through chemo (and no drinking), I had what i called an "alprazalatimi". I would take either a half or 1 alprazolam (great for anxiety and sleeping), mix with club soda or sparking water until it disolved. Then I would add cranberry juice and lime. Very relaxing. Almost felt 'normal", but for no hair, energy, anemia, neuropathy,etc.

Hang in there.  It does get better. Best Beau