Alcoholic friend with breast cancer

Supfriend

My friend, diagnosed a few years ago with breast cancer, is an alcoholic and I have tried to be a supportive friend.  She calls me often when she is drunk and she is crying or way down in the dumps and there is no consoling her or even talking to her and the next day she doesn't even remember our conversations.  I want to be supportive but its so hard when she is drunk.  I try to call her before she starts drinking and we can talk then but often I receive late night calls after she has been drinking.

Everyone says to be supportive and listen but I haven't read anything about how to be supportive to an alcholic with breast cancer.  She will not go to AA and will not give up drinking or cigerettes and when we begin to discuss these issues she gets enraged.

shokk

Geez I just lost my post...........

 Going to take this one step at a time...........

First of all stop answering your phone late at night with this friend calls......period........

Second of all if your friend becomes "enraged" when you try and talk to her about her drinking and cigarette smoking then STOP...........

You have to stop and look at what YOUR  is participation in this relationship.......do you need to feel needed?........or do you have a need to "save" her........You cannot save her......only she can do that........(when it comes to the alcohol)..........

Third step if this friendship is worth saving then get yourself to an Al-anon meeting learn how to deal with this friend's addiction..........

You need to have some basic Behavior Modification techniques that encourage her good behavior and discourages her bad behavior.........

(google Behavior Modification).........

Your friend first is an Alcoholic who happens to have breast cancer.........(the two are not intertwined).........if she needs help with bc fears then by all means help her as best as you can.......but if she chooses to face those fears drunk then you must decline......

Good luck........I really do pray that things work out..........just remember you are not WonderWoman and the only person that can save your friend is herself.........

shokk

barbe1958

shokk said pretty much what I was going to say!! Get YOURSELF to an Al-Anon group so you can better decide whether- and how- you are going to proceed with this relatioinship. You are only helping her be a drunk when you respond to her while she is drinking. No, it`s NOT your fault she drinks, that`s not what I said. But, if you refuse to talk to her when she is drunk, SHE will have to decide how to communicate with you.

This is a tough love situation and you have to be strong. She can`t be. It`s a disease, just like the cancer. Let us know how it goes, and good luck!

BikerBabe1

 Supfriend:

I am a recovering alcoholic and have a daughter who is in recovery as well.  I post this based on my own experience in recovery and in loving someone with a drinking problem.  

Your friend's drinking won't stop until she is ready to stop.  What you can do to support her is take care of yourself, showing her about self care.  Also, part of taking care of yourself is loving detachment.  Loving her but not taking on her drinking. You didn't cause, you can't control it and you can't cure it.  

I agree with the other posts and especially about not answering her phone calls in the middle of the night. Trying to reason with an alcoholic when drunk, especially over the phone in the middle of the night, is an exercise in futility and it doesn't help them or you.  They likely won't remember it. 

Having breast cancer is certainly a stressor and difficult, as the very least.  When she is sober:  acknowledge her feelings, be empathic but let her be responsible for them and for her behavior. Helping her with some of  the difficult practical problems with breast cancer treatment (i.e., getting to treatment, cleaning her house if she is exhausted from treatment, taking care of her children (if she has children) while she rests, cooking).   

But remember, with us alcoholics, there will always be a reason to drink. We drink because we are depressed, we drink because we are happy, we drink because it is Tuesday, we drink because it's not . . . we just drink.  

I think it is wonderful that you have reached out to find out more.  Good for you, but be sure to take care of yourself.   Check out Al-anon if you want.

Supfriend

Thank you everyone for your comments and suggestions.  I have decided to not answer those late night calls and to call early enough in the evening before the alcohol kicks in and we can have a good and loving conversation.  Just to add, she has told me that she is a functional drunk - whatever that means.  Her alcoholism and tobacco needs are her issues, yes and history shows that nothing I can do or say will ever change her addictions and I know that.  I will continue to be there for her during her bc treatment and for the rest of her life, a shoulder, an ear, a friend. 

Racy

Supfriend, you are a good friend. The advice from the other ladies is good.



Would your friend be interested in one-on-one counselling to help with the issues that are troubling her? You could suggest this without relating it to drinking as it sounds like she has other problems that a counsellor could help with. A good counsellor will be able to explore the drinking as well. I think a psychologist would be an appropriate professional for your friend to see.



Maybe you could investigate free counselling for BC survivors as a first step. Look up cancer and BC support groups in your area which may offer this service. If you do the research, you can then suggest it to your friend.



Good luck.

CoolBreeze

Alll great advice. My only addition would be to keep in mind that some people never stop drinking; that "rock bottom" doesn't exist for everybody.  My mother was an alcoholic her entire life and died of alcoholic cirrhosis of the liver, in a horrible way.  My father drank right along with her, watched her die and now drinks as much if not more than ever.  I've no doubt alcohol will kill him too.

I learned this:  It is not your problem, you cannot help her, you can't make her want to quit, and you have no solutions for her.  She will have to come up with them on her own.  Somewhere inside her, she knows she shouldn't be doing what she is, (hence the outrage when you make suggestions) and if she is ever ready she will get help.  And, she may never be ready.

When I was 18 and moved out of the house, I knew not to call after 5:00 as they would be drunk.  As I got older, the time became lower and they ended up drinking beginning at 9:00 a.m. each day so no more calls.  I spoke to my mother maybe twice a year at that point, Christmas and birthdays and dreaded it as she was always slurring her words and making no sense.  She rejected children and grandchildren - her life was lived from drink to drink.  It was pretty sad.  I did not mourn her death because I'd done my mourning when she was alive.

She can't be much of a friend to you right now as alcoholics are too selfish, so I would gently back off. She is focused on alcohol anyway, not cancer and not you.  If she had cancer years ago, and is not currently being treated, than I think it has become an excuse for her.  Yes, cancer is always in our minds no matter how long ago we had it but at this point, she should have moved on and should be trying to move past it.  And, she will never do that because alcohol prevents people from moving forward.

It's nice you want to help her but you can't.  You can only protect yourself. 

Blessings2011

Supfriend -

"Functional drunk" basically means "I can drink whatever and however the H#LL much I want and it doesn't affect my life. I go to work, I'm not some wino passed out in some alley. So get off my back about quitting."

Not remembering your drunken conversations the next day is a pretty good sign of alcoholic blackout.

Being at home, making weepy, incoherent phone calls to people is relatively physically harmless.

Getting in the car to drive to the liquor store when you suddenly realize you're out of wine, or margarita mix, or beer, is another story. Now you are looking at a felony DUI, and I hope to God that no on else is on the road when your friend is, ending up killed or disabled for life.

I grew up with alcoholism in the family. It took me years to learn the concepts of enabling, and even longer to completely walk away from it.

 You've gotten wonderful advice from the ladies above.

God bless you for wanting to be a good friend, but first you need to learn to set your own boundaries, or the monster that is alcoholism will eat you alive as well.

daisylor

Supfriend, I agree with what the ladies have said above.  I am in recovery and nothing anybody said or did made a difference until I was ready.  My friends that were there during my messes, and there were many of them to clean up,  just enabled me to continue.  As long as someone picked up the phone, bailed me out, took me to the hospital, etc..there was no need for me to stop doing what i was doing.  She needs to find her own bottom.  It's nice that you want to help but until she is ready, your energy will probably be put to better use elsewhere.  

Racy

I don't agree with the ladies who say there is nothing you can do and no point continuing the friendship. You can still be a friend to her when she is sober. Please don't abandon a friend whom you obviously care about a lot.

CoolBreeze

Racy, we must have read the comments differently.  I didn't see anybody say not to be a friend to her.  It seemed people were saying that in the process of being a friend, she should back off and protect herself emotionally and recognize what she can do for her friend and what she can't.  I didn't see anybody say to abandon her.

Funny how differently we all read these posts. 

shokk

Coolbreeze I didn't see where anyone said to stop the friendship..........

But I do believe that Supfriend needs to ask herself what is she getting out of this dysfunctional relationship......

dealing with addiction is usually not chosen unless there is something and/or need that you are getting out of the relationship.......

With Coolbreeze she had no choice.......it was her parents......she had no control over that.....and there really wasn't anything she could do until she was old enough to leave.....as a child of a parent with addiction issues it is extremely hard to understand that your parents, brother, sister (insert family member but especially a Mom) would love her alcohol more then she loves you.....

but friendships are different..........friendships are chosen........you said that you found her drinking and smoking something you don't like.......so why did you chose her......was she not smoking or drinking when you became friends?...........do you try and "fix" people........we women are notorious for thinking we can "fix" someone usually the men in our lives......do you have her as a friend so that when you are feeling bad about yourself can at least think "at least my life is better then Sally's"........

there are all kinds of reasons we have certain friends........all I am saying is sometimes the answers we are looking for are not in answering the phone in the middle of the night but looking in the mirror........

shokk 

(edited for train of chemo thought)

Sommer43

 I am an alcoholic, so I can perhaps help out here. 

 As a recovering alcoholic, I can suggest that you her get her a pack from AA, specifically for newcomers... 

I know the chaos I caused to my children, my parents, my then husband, until she sees the chaos she's causing, the hurt that this is causing, then it will never change.  It took me waking up in a police cell, to understand the damage I was doing to myself, then the horror of the terror I was causing my loved ones! 

Telling her when she's sober, will not change what is happening when she's slaughtered.  She clearly is in deep pain, and with breast cancer to boot, hell, she's going through the wringer.  For you, her friend, without my friends, a handful who did stand by me, when I began to clean up my act, I would probably be pushing up the daisies now, without breast cancer, or in prison for mowing somebody down when I was drunk! 

When she calls you, late at night, turn your phone off, or stridently state that you refuse to speak with her when she's drunk, tell her firmly, you will call her back tomorrow when she's sober.  When she's sober, tell her she needs some help, well out of your bounds, suggest going to an Open Meeting of AA with her.  With my friend to hold my hand, I made it to my first meeting...  Putting the drink down, is the easy part, she has to want to keep it down to understand what recovery is all about. Then, only then, when she can see what she's doing to herself and those around her, when that hits home, then she may, may be one of the few who get it, and will continue to a life in recovery, without alcohol. 

For you, you have to measure how much you want this person in your life.  I lost a lot of good people, who could no longer cope with me, I now see why, and I was the one who gave them away, for a glass of stuff that almost cost me my children.  If you deeply care for her, then you can guide her a little, to take that first step to recovery.  If you cannot cope with her, then you do need to step away from her, with a sharp, "Get to AA" 

But as any addict knows, it has to be themselves, who makes the first move, willingness, the want to change, is what it is about. 

You can lead a horse to water, you know the rest... 

CoolBreeze

Sommer, speaking as a child of alcoholics who never stopped drinking - you maybe have no idea the gift you have given them by sobering up.  My family was never there for me in my entire life.  In a way, that was good, because I learned to be strong and independant without needing anybody.  On the other hand, I have often wondered what life would have been like if I'd had a supportive and loving parents who weren't only focused on themselves and their next drink.  You've given that comforting place that is every child's right and you had to fight for it.  Thanks for sharing your story. Whether your children ever appreciate it or not, you did an amazing thing.

All I could do was make sure I was a better mother than I had.  I have been. 

Sommer43

Hi Coolbreeze,

Good lord, I had forgotten all about this thread. 

It's interesting, for me, to hear the other side of alcoholism, and I never expected to talk about on a cancer forum, I don't usually talk about it. 

But thank you for your kind words.  My children were distraught and I had no right to treat them in this manner.  For a while back there, I nearly lost them, or should I say, "gave them away"  It was actually my daughter who called the police after an argument with a friend, when I got in my car, and drove.  She called the police and stated "My mother is drunk, driving and I'd quite like it if you found her, before she ends up dead in a ditch, here is the registration number of her car"  The police did find my car, the next morning with me in it.  I wasn't charged, because I was asleep on the back seat and it was the police officer, who was female who prompted me to get help.  Once I had celebrated my first year of sobriety, I wrote to the police officer to thank her.  I received a lovely letter back from her. 

I could mitigate my reasons for drinking, it was a long, slow decline into addiction, that nearly destroyed me, my children and my home.  Desperately unhappy, full of fear, angry with life, at my mother, the loss of a child. 

It is now three years since I put it down, I have never looked back, my children are healthy, have gone on to great things in their young lives and I, no longer give myself a hard time over that behaviour. I have done my beating myself up, it served no-one well, least of all the three people that I had chosen to bring into this world. I failed in my duty to them to keep them safe, love them and guide them. I owed it to them to turn it around. Just not right that children find their mother face down in the gutter. It was enough of a wake up call for me. Like someone snapping their fingers in front of my face. To be honest, I was rehabiltated on the morning I was taken to a police station.

I feel for you, that your parents couldn't recognise what they were doing to you. 

I wonder how the OP is doing...

karentilly

This isn't breast cancer related but I am really struggling with this issue too. My friend has colon and liver cancer and is having heavy chemo.  I find it so hard to get the balance right with him.  He is an active alcoholic (dry at the moment) and has all the personality traits that seem to go with it, BUT he is suffering terribly due to  his cancer and chemo. He can be so manipulative and I seem to allow myself to feel guilty when it is totally inappropriate.  I think he is extremely angry he cannot drink at the moment as his mouth is full of blisters etc. God, it's so confusing.

I want to be a good friend but with appropriate boundaries in place. I find it so difficult and am grateful for the OP and the replies. It helps alot.