Stage 4 Gals/Family

WorriedDaughter25

its now almost been 2 years and i think im finally saying i need someone that i can turn to and talk to and someone that i understands not only what my mom is going through but what i am also going through. this is getting so much harder for me to understand. although i am 1) a nurse and medically knowledgeable i just dont think that as a daughter i can continue on at some points. seeing my mom hurt and at some points be so weak just devastates me to no end. i hurt for her, and i have to be not only strong for her, but for my daughter her loves her so much and doesnt understand what is going on. i just need some support. thanks

sandilee

I'm so sorry.  But you MUST continue on. She needs you, and your daughter really needs you to be there.  You don't always have to appear strong- that's not necessary. Just be there, as you are, for your love and support.

  You don't say your mom's age, but if you have a young child, I assume it's over 60.  One thing I can say, as a 60 year old myself, is that having the chance to raise you, and to see you have a child of your own, have probably been the highlights of her life.  None of us get to stay on this earth forever, as much as we think we might like to.  But having the chance to raise kids and to see a grandchild- that's a lot more than many people ever get.  When I start to feel sorry for myself, I look at all of the young women (your age, probably) who are battling this horrid disease, and I feel grateful.  Grateful that I've had the years to raise my kids to adulthood, and for many other things in my life that have been wonderful.

  I lost my dad when he was 36, and my brother when he had just turned 50.  We have to put things into perspective, and to hope that we can keep our loved-ones feeling as well as possible while they may be battling something like cancer, but we can't stop the eventual progression. We must come to terms with it.

  Enjoy the time you have with your mom, and do try to make sure she isn't in pain; that is possible!  Find a good pain management doctor if her own oncologist isn't helping with that. But don't make yourself sick with worry- take care of yourself for your sake, for hers, and for your daughters.  Be well.

   {{{{{many hugs}}}}}

steelrose

worried daughter,

I am so sorry you are facing this. I am a Stage IV patient now, but before that I was a caregiver. My Dad had male bc for five years. I can tell you that I almost did myself in trying to take care of him. I made a HUGE mistake in not seeking help, emotional and otherwise. I was his nurse (and I certainly am not certified!), support, everything... and I loved him more than I can say. But do not do what I did, not without the proper support for yourself! At times it was harder on me than actually having the cancer myself! I hope that you will post in the caregiver's forum too, because there are so many others experiencing the emotions that you are experiencing. You need a place to vent, to cry, to release all of this so that you can face the reality of the situation and make choices that allow you to enjoy the time you spend with your Mom. You are doing the right thing in seeking help... it is too much for a person to handle alone.

Love to you...

Rose. 

dreamwriter

I agree that having seen her daughter grow up and watch the granddaughter grow and interact with her are the high points of her life.  You do need a shoulder to cry on - either someone close to you or us - we have really wide shoulders and you even get to select who to cry with....

mari55

Your mother is so lucky to have you.  As a cancer patient and the daughter of someone with worsening dementia, I can relate to the difficulties of being a caregiver. I agree with Rose that having cancer myself is easier than being the caregiver at times. I think the hardest part is not being able to make it all better ( I am a nurse too and we like it when we can fix things and are frustrated when we cannot). Seeking help and support is the right thing to do.  If we can help let us know

CoolBreeze

It sounds like you need support from people who know what you are going through watching your mother.  As a terminal patient, I can't experience this from the viewpoint of my family and it's extremely distressing for me to think about their suffering..

You might try this section of the forum:   For Caregivers, Family, Friends and Supporters.  The description reads:

Here is a place to share your struggles on supporting and caring for a person you love, whether just diagnosed, or in end stage. It is never easy, but you are not alone.
http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/16 

I hope you can find people who have had to cope with their family members' illness there and find people who have techniques that will help you manage this stress.   

WorriedDaughter25

Thank you all so very much! I did not realize that there was a family/caregiver board. My mom just turned 50 in October, I am only 25. And I am an only Child who also lost my dad in 2005 to Lung Cancer so for me, this is all so much. Thank you all for all your support!!!

mkkjd60

Oh my goodness, I had no idea you were so young! I am 52 caring for my mom who is 72 with stage iv bc and I can't imagine what you are going through being so young. I can tell you that I recently called our local hospital and got the name of an oncologist social worker who I meet with once a week, just to cry and vent, everyone I knew was just tired of hearing from me. I must say it has helped me tremendously. I also went on a one day retreat for people who are grieving losses. It was liberating. We are grieving the loss of our moms good health. So many people who lost loved ones to cancer and people who were caring for cancer patients gathered just to share information and cry together. You need help, worried daughter. And you are a lovely and devoted daughter.

Banana83

Dear Worried Daughter,

     Hello. I am a worried daughter too. My mom also has stage IV cancer, and everything always seems to be so up in the air with her health. So although I may not understand your whole situation, I think I can understand how scared, sad, and tired you feel. We just found out about my mom's condition last June. I will pray for your mom too. Stay strong, although staying strong is difficult when you hear bad news. If you ever want someone to write to... you can send me a private message. I will read and reply. Good luck dear.