waiting

MyMomsAdvocate

We have come to an end, mom is progressively getting worse. I am angry, sad, and very anxious.  I have tried to prepare myself over and over on how I will cope with this.  My biggest concern was I didn't want my mother to pass away in my house.  I know that sounds selfish... I just couldn't imagine coming home everyday, when she is gone, without feelings of dread.  I am so scared, but I have talked to hospice and they have said that they cannot admit her unless she was having uncontrolled symptoms.  I came to terms with that after meeting with hospice last night, and have told myself that I am giving my mother one of the things she needs the most, somewhere to rest, and be at peace. 

My anxiety is starting to overwhelm me a bit.  I have come to terms with the fact that she will pass away in my house but have started to panic because I do not think I can be there to hold her hand when it does happen.  When I really think about it, it makes me feel very cowardly... I was hoping that I would somehow be able to talk myself into it but as the days pass and she gets worse I can't stomach it.  I have been telling her how much I love her and how much she means to me.  She is able to communicate back to me and tell me she loves me too.  I have talked to my sister about when the time comes, and since I have always been the stronger of the three girls in regards to making sure things are taken care of, she said that she would be able to handle it so if I felt the need to leave I could.  

How do I get over this anxiety?  I know that I cannot emotionally handle seeing her pass away... I just hope that I don't regret it later, and I hope she understands. 

This has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through.  Some days I wish God would take her and let her be in peace.  She looks like she's in pain and it makes me so sad and I get so angry that someone could be put through this.  It's so unfair.  She will never meet her grandchildren, and see me get married.  I know she will always be with me, but I am sad my children will never get to meet her.  I have loved her all my life... 

sandik

Michelle, I am so sorry. I have no words to comfort you, as I know there really are none. Be strong. Your mother knows that you love her. If you feel that you can't be there at that time, then it really is ok to get out for a little while. You are not a coward!! Big hugs to you and your sisters! 

1openheart

Michelle, I am so sorry to read about your Mom's decline and how hard it is for you.  I wish I could find the words that would make it all make sense and help you move into a place of peace and acceptance.  You must remember that there is no "right" way to grieve, and you have already started down that road.  I would bet that your Mom knows how much you love her and how much you don't want to see her go.  I hope that you can come to realize that you are giving your Mom a wonderful gift....the gift of a safe place to rest her head and to spend her final days surrounded by those who are dear to her.  You will be braver than you think when the time comes.  I have been a hospice volunteer for several years and have had the privilege to be present during the final hours of some of my client's lives.  Often, there is such a sense of peace and release and so much love. But, Michelle, please call on your sisters to help you. You cannot expect yourself to be strong all of the time and no one else should expect that you should either.  You are right that all of this is unfair. I still miss my grandmother who died of breast cancer when I was 8 years old.  But, I have always felt like I had a guardian angel looking over me and I think it is her.  Maybe you and your future children will feel your Mom's presence too.  Take care, Michelle.  

One other thing, your mom should not be in pain.  Please let her hospice nurse know that you think she is uncomfortable.  They are supposed to be on call 24/7, so don't hesitate to call them if you need them. 

Janetanned

Michelle - My mom passed away 30 years ago from BC.  At that time, I was 26 yrs old.  She was hospitalized her final two weeks. I've always regretted not taking her home to pass.  At the time, I just didn't know what to do. I was afraid to bring her home, not knowing how I would handle it. I know she would have preferred to die at home, but I didn't make it happen for her.  It was a decision I've battled with for the past 3 decades.

As it turned out, I was not with her during her final moments.  However, other family member were and it was a very peaceful passing.  She was a woman of faith and her release from this life meant the beginning of a much better eternal life for her.  She did not fear death, so we found comfort in her anticipation of a glorious, pain free new Life.

Life went on for her children.  We picked ourselves up and worked through our sorrows. While she never met out spouses or children, each of us has felt her with us during the good times and bad.  She visits often in dreams.  She is still in our hearts.

You will find the stregnth to help your mom during her journey.  It may not be the same way that your sister helps.  You can only do what you can do.  But understand, your mom feels your love and is comforted by it. You might be surprised by how brave you are at the end.

Maybe you can talk to someone from hospice. They might be able to help you during these trying times.

Jodycat

Researchers, such as Dan Gilbert at Harvard, have got a lot of evidence to say human beings are not very good at predicting future reactions. We think a break up with X or a loss of Y will cause us to feel awful for many years. We are probably wrong. You think your mother's death in your house will lead to such-and-such. Seriously, you may well be very wrong about that. You really can't tell, tons of research indicates.



To look more specifically at you: Is your panic fueled by doubts about your own strenght? You seem to have made a lot of good and strong decisions so far.



Some (many?) of us have used medication to help us through very difficult periods. Maybe knowing there is something you could reach for when you get overwhelmed might help.

Margi1959

Michelle, big hugs and so much love to you.  I just lost my mum this past October and I'm 52.  It doesn't get easier as you get older, trust me.  I was her primary caregiver through her final journey and we were blessed to be able to get her in to a hospice facility for her final days.  Maybe it's different here in Canada I don't know.  I couldn't have managed her symptoms at that point anyway and I honestly don't think any child, no matter how old, should have to assault their parent's dignity by changing their diapers.  My mum would have hated that and that's what point we got to at the end.  Might you be able to talk to hospice again and tell them that you don't feel you can manage your mom's pain or hygiene needs at home?  Would that get her a bed?

For what it's worth, I wanted to be with my mum when she passed but...she outwaited me.  My daughter and I were sitting with her on her final night and holding her hands.  She simply waited until we were so exhausted that we had to go home to get a few hours sleep.  She waited until the new date came (October 1) and I awoke, looking at the clock at 12:01.  I silently said, OK Mum, it's Oct 1 now - you can go.  I got the call 4 minutes later and didn't get there in time.  She took a total of 5 minutes for the final process and was still warm when I kissed her goodbye.  Your mom may spare you the actual event too.  Whatever is meant to happen, Michelle - will happen.  I believe we don't have a lot of say in it.

Always here if you need a shoulder.  

Margi

hotcoffeenow

Michelle, it isn't selfish to have feelings, to be afraid, and to have anxiety.  I think you probably will do better than you expect.  We do the best we can, and that's all we can do.  Take care.

MyMomsAdvocate

My mother was called to Heaven at approximately 11:30 last night at 2/28/12.  Her battle was fought long and hard.  To say the least, she was a soldier.  I was not there with her but I explained to her before I left that I loved her so and I hope she understood.  There were quite a few people with her last night with her until her last breath.  I don't regret my decision not to be.  I don't want to remember this part of my mother's life.

I just wish i could feel her now.. I know I am grieving but keep praying that she will meet me in my dreams... just to tell me she is okay.  She didn't last night so I will try again tonight.  I just need to know she is okay. 

1openheart

Michelle,

Please accept my heartfelt condolences for the passing of your dear Mother.  From where I sit, it sounds like you were there for her and made sure spent her last days on this earth in a place of love.  We have to take care of ourselves too during these times as well as those whom we are caring for and I believe that you did what was right for you at the time.   I believe you mom would have felt your distress and would not have wanted to put you through that kind of pain.  You said your good byes and I believe that she knew you loved her dearly.  I hope you will feel her presence soon.  I would not be surprised if it happens in the least expected times.....in the laugh of your future children, in the beauty of a sunrise or maybe in your dreams.  Again, I am so sorry this disease took your Mother too soon.  Take care and be easy on yourself.

Nel138281

Michelle,

My thoughts and prayers.  My Mom passed several years ago, I was in my 50's but it was still so very difficult.  Your Mom knows you were with her, you said your good byes and she was not  alone.  She knows you loved and will continue to love her.  I continue to feel and speak to my Mom.  With my BC  diagnosis I have felt her come and hold me, it is truly a gift.  My kids and I laugh now when I do something, or they do that reminds us of her, we call it "channelling Grammy" 

She will always be with you.

Nel 

LYoung2

Michelle,

I am so sorry for what you are going through.  I lost my sister 13 years ago.  She was at home in bed and we all knew the time was coming soon.  Before hand I tied distancing myself form her, so the pain wouldn't be so bad.  I felt I needed to be the strong one, because I knew how much grief it was causing my mother and brother in law.  But as the time drew nearer, I visited more frequently.  I was with her the day she passed.  I thought I couldn't handle it either, but somehow I was given the strength i needed to be there for her.  I know she felt our presence and it was more of a comfort to me than I thought it would be.  I can't imagine what you are feeling and we each act and react differently.  I only hope when the time comes you will be at peace with your choice.  there is no right or wrong.   Best of wishes to you.

steelrose

Michelle,

I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your Mom. I remember when you first posted seeking advice and I related to your circumstance as I was a young woman facing the same thing with my Dad. You have written so very honestly about your experience, and you've been so courageous. It is devastating to watch someone that you love go through such a thing. It is important, very important, that you face the future with strength and determination. Your Mom would want nothing but happiness for you!!!! She will be with you, in your heart, forever.

Sending my love and best wishes...

Rose. 

Blessings2011

Michelle - I am so sorry to hear of your mom's passing, and I offer big hugs and bigger prayers that you will find God's peace and comfort in the days to come.

My mom fought long and hard as well. I watched her suffer for nearly ten years. I treasured every minute I had while she was still with us, but cried buckets of tears of grief so many times before she died three years ago.

In her final days (she was in a nursing home, receiving 24-hour "comfort care") I told her all the things I needed her to know: that she was the best mom on earth, but now her job here on earth was done - all her kids were happy and healthy, and now God had better things in store for her. And if He should come for her while we weren't there, she should just run to Him with open arms.

During the last 48 hours, she couldn't speak, but we all clearly heard her say "The Angels...."

We left her bedside at 9:45 p.m. At 10:15 p.m., the nurse called to say she had passed, with a smile on her face.

We knew this would be a possibility. Hospice workers often tell of patients who wait until all their loved ones have left the room before they "let go".

I wasn't sure I wanted to, but we did go back to the nursing home after we got the call. As soon as I saw my mom laying in her bed, I remembered 2 Corinthians 5:8 - To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. I felt such joy in my heart, knowing that her pain and suffering were now at an end, and that she was at peace.

Escorting someone out of this life is a huge privilege. Making sure they know they are loved is a huge gift. You have done both. You have given of yourself, and helped your Mom more than you will ever realize.

You and your mom will be reunited one day. In the meantime, cherish the memories, and look for the laughter and the lessons. When I got my BC dx, all I wanted to do was to talk to my mom. Unfortunately, I couldn't, and it shocked me! But a few days later, while I was agonizing over some decision I had to make, I heard her voice, loud and clear, giving me the same loving advice she had been doing all her life.

She lives in my heart, 24/7.

Praying that this ache in your heart will be filled with warm memories.

MyMomsAdvocate

Thank you all for your kind words.  I still don't feel her with me, but I know that it will take time. I spoke to my counselor about this and she said that Native American's believe that in order to safely come back and visit they have to first settle into Heaven, or they may get stuck in the in between.  I know she will come back when she is ready... I just wish it was now.

 I wanted to call her yesterday to tell her how sad I was, and realized that I can't... I know there will be many moments like this and it's very painful..

 This disease is so ugly and I pray no one ever has to go through this.  I know my mother is in a better place, and I will see again.  That is the only thing that has gotten my through the last few days, she's not in pain.

 My problem is... now what?  Nine months of praying for a cure, looking up chemo drugs, helping her when she got really sick, and most recently funeral arrangements.  Now the funeral is complete and everyone has gone home... and I have no clue what to do with myself.  Where do you go from here?  I know I must pick up and move on, but I feel so devastated that simply getting ready for the day is hard.  One foot in front of the other is what I keep telling myself, but how the hell do you even do that??

sincitydealer

So sorry for your loss.  As another stage lV daughter, I know what you're going through.  My Mom is still fighting, but I know the time will come to say goodbye.  It will never be easy.  I think your Mom is in a better place.  You'll see her again one day.

Peggy

steelrose

Michelle,

You have to allow yourself to cry, grieve, feel helpless and hopeless and all of those scary things before you move forward. It's wonderful that you see a counselor... I wish I had done that! It took me a long time to recover from the deaths of both my Mom and Dad. It is especially hard when you have gone through an illness like cancer... I felt so defeated when it was over. But I promise you that it gets better with time. You will always miss your Mom. There is no way around that. That is the price we pay for loving them so dearly. You and your Mom were so very lucky to have each other! She is no longer in pain... I hope that you will find peace.

xoxo