How do I support my mom through this?

ebell

My mom was just diagnosed with DCIS, and will be going in for a lumpectomy if not masectomy(depending on test results) and then through radiation.

Please tell me what I can do to be the most supportive? If you could share any assistance you received-however small or great that helped you.  l want my mom to feel comforted, nutured, strong & prepared for what is to come. Any ideas are greatly sppreciated

Sending healing thoughts to all.

Erin

Elizabeth1889

Erin, It sounds like your mother already has a lot of support just by having a wonderful daughter like you.  For me, the best support was just knowing I could talk to someone any time I was scared or lonely.  Just being there with your mother whenever you can will help a lot.  Are you able to go to appointments with your mother?  A cancer diagnosis is overwhelming and having someone else there at appointments to take notes or just be an extra pair of ears helps a lot.  There are the practical things like bringing meals to the house or offering  to run errands.  Also, it helps to take someone's mind off of cancer now and then for a short time.  My DH still have what we call our "non cancer days" when we go to movies, etc. without discussing anything about illnesses.

Finally, how are you doing?  Knowing your mother has cancer is rough on you, too.  There are support groups for caregivers.  Please be good to yourself. 

mdg

That is so sweet that you are taking the time to connect with us for suggestions!   She is lucky to have you.  I think the things that I appreciated were people planning dinners for my family (I didn't want to eat but I had a husband and young son and it was a relief to have them fed), random cards/notes of encouragement in the mail (see if you can organize friends/family to send them), people offering to drive me places (I had BMX and could not drive for a few weeks), magazines, movies to watch, button down jammies (for BMX recovery), people just spending time with me talking about "normal" things.  Good luck to your mom. 

CLC

Erin...I, too, have DCIS and had a umx (unilateral mastectomy).  I opted not to have reconstruction.  I did not need to have radiation or chemotherapy.  I was grateful to have immense support from my husband and my best friend, and even my children, who are now only just 7 and 11.  The most important things that each of them had to offer me were different.  My husband is not by nature a good listener.  But I told him I needed him to simply listen and not try to fix.  He did that very well...just let me cry.  My best friend listens well naturally and she did a lot of that.  She also researched and found out what foods I might want after surgery (I have a very rigid diet and she was making sure I could continue that, even in the hospital), she found button down shirts, she ran my exuberant puppy when I couldn't.  She was the one who best anticipated every thing I could need.  My daughter helped me pick out good scarves and vests that would help me feel confident after my mastectomy in camouflaging my missing breast until I could get a good prosthetic.  My son made up a playlist on my iPOD with good music and picked out good movies for me to watch.  They all helped with the daily living chores.  They all picked up the slack.  They all reminded me regularly that they loved me.

I felt like I had the best support network in the world.  More than anything, I felt incredibly fortunate.

I am not sure from your post how old you are or how old your mother is...and that may help us give more specific suggestions.  But, whatever the particular circumstances, the most important things you can do for your mother is let her know you are there for her, let her retain as much control over things as possible and, of course, let her know you love her. 

Wren44

My daughter brought me fleece button front pajamas that were super comfortable after surgery and called me frequently. And my niece brought 'body butter' with a nice scent. Couldn't use it on my breast, but the rest of me really appreciated it. A funny book or movie would be nice.

peggy_j

You are such a great daughter! The fact you are coming here to ask this makes me think you're going to do great, no matter what you do. Aside from the emotional support you're probably already giving her, you may want to offer practical support, such as preparing food to have around the house, etc.  She'll feel fatigue during the last few weeks of rads so having healthy things she can eat will be helpful. We also hired help, someone to come clean the house once a month, and someone to come once or twice to catch up on yard work. If you like doing that stuff, that would be great, but even marshaling the energy to find and hire someone would be helpful too. Last but not least, it's also great to provide "distraction therapy" sometime, such as taking her out to a movie or something can help redirect her thoughts. Best of luck to you and your mom. I have a feeling you'll both do well.

ebell

Dear friends:

Thank you for your thoughts.  I am 34 and live 20 minutes from my mom.  I have a 3yo son, her best buddy who will be helpful with keeping us all in good humour and distraction. As well as being a little beam of light for her.

@CLC, my mom also has a very conscious diet and will need help with food on the hospital and on the go.  That is something she will definitely appreciate having.

@peggy_i, Helping with cleaning- its little things like this I wouldn't have thought of right away.

@mgd, the button down pajamas & shirts are wonderful idea. Alos, prepared family foods are an important, even if she isn't hungry.

@Elizabeth 1889,  we are making sure someone is with her at every appointment. Although I want to be there for every visit, she has a sister & a close friend as well as her husband who are accompanying her. 

I am trying not to be too pushy,  but still want to help her think of questions she has for the doctors about the proceedures and what to anticipate as well as thoughts like are we covering all the bases?  Should she be seeing an oncologist as well as her surgen now? Does that come after?

My older sister who does not live close is not  sharing any emotion with me right now. I was hoping to cry over the phone and be that support for eachother but I am only receiving anxiousness and a very business-like response to my moms diagnosis.  I know she feels bad about being far away, and she wants me to follow through with questions and resposnibility.  I just really hoped we would be eachothers emotional support. 

Does anyone have a list of questions they wished they had discussed with their doctors before treatment began? Things you had to discover the hard way that you wished you were prepared for? Questions you have now that you're in the midst of or done with treatment?

Thank you again for your time & posotive reinforcement. 

I heard a great quote the other day:

Women are like tea, you don't know their strength until they're in hot water.

Thank you for being here for me & for my mom.

Peace,

erin