Advice for a new supporter

ele8740

I'm scared for my aunt and my friend, but my feelings don't even compare to what I know they must be going through. Does anyone have any advice on how to be a supportive friend and staying strong for them? Lord knows they need it now more than ever but don't you just want to cry sometimes?

Anonymous

I think it's wonderful that you care enough to figure this out.  I think the biggest surprise through all this is sometimes the peoplel we think will really be there for us go MIA through the whole thing.  Most don't know what to say so they say nothing.  There is a article on here called "When a Friend Gets Sick" that has some great advice on what to do and how to help.  (I'll try to post a link.)  I think the best thing you can do is let your aunt and friend know how much they mean to you and that you will be there for them through the whole thing.  

http://community.breastcancer.org/blog/when-a-friend-gets-sick/ 

momof3boys

This is a great question. So many people have done wonderful things for me and my family. Maybe we should post them so other supporters know, get ideas, and for those of us (myself included) that have other friends and family members going thru a serious illness or surgery?

fredntan

I know people have lives to live. But I would have loved to get insprational texts like -iI love you or you can do this. Someone tovtalk to is nice. I never expected anyone to make me dinner or clean my house. I don't like people going with me to chemotherapy. But having someone to make me get dressed, get out of bed,someone to kick my ass on those days I couldn't pull myself up



That's what I wanted

momof3boys

I most appreciate the people / friends that didn't just say "please let me know if you need anything at all" and actually did something! Such as:



Friend called and said : "I'm bringing over dinner on Friday night and taking your boys with us to the movies, I'll be there at 5pm"



Ladies from work scheduled a dinner drop off for three weeks after surgery, even coordinated what they were bringing so we didn't end up with same meals in same week.



Sister just stops by and brings things like milk, a Starbucks latte, eggs, OJ, cookies etc. Doesn't ask what / if I need anything, just does it.



The men from my office purchased gift cards from various restaurants and attached menu with them.



A friend sent a card with an Apple gift card for my iPad.



My son's basketball coach called and told us he would pick up and drop off our son for practice / games.

momof3boys

Another friend came and picked up all dishes from meals and brought them back to their owners. Huge help!



My sixteen year old son has stepped up and has taken over all grocery shopping.



My sister coordinated 'surprise guest appearances' of friends for short 15 min visits during my chemo treatments. Very uplifting.

momof3boys

My Aunts and my SIL have been great with sending me inspirational texts.



My Aunt made homemade soup and froze it into individual portions for me.

Anonymous

Supporters should realize that our need for support doesn't stop after MX.  There may be chemo, rads or multiple surgeries for recon.  Even after treatment a lot of cancer patients struggle to have things return to normal and find that is when they need support even more than ever.  

ele8740

These are all fantastic ideas! Thank you all so much! The last thing that I want to do is feel like I'm smothering someone. And Momof3Boys, you're totally right: Saying that "let me know if there's anything I can do" is probably one of hte worst things to say because you're not making any efforts to be spontaneous and let them know that you're thinking of them at random intervals of the day.

I don't want to feel like we always have to talk about her treatments or her sickness, but I also don't want to pretend like it doen't exist. Any thoughts? Should I let them be the one to initiate those kind of conversations?

momof3boys

Some things to avoid saying:

"you're so strong, God only gives us what we can handle".... That really irked me. I thought it was presumptuous of someone to tell me that God gave me breasts cancer....

"you'll be fine, just think positively"... That's kind of just fluff.... Irritating

"did they catch it early" ... There's really no such thing, it's cancer

"you look great!!!!!" just don't say this too much or too enthusiastically... It's grating

"you might not lose your hair" really not what we're focused on



Also, lots of women with BC do not like all the "pink stuff". We're not cheerleaders on the BC team. That's a marketing ploy that we're sick of. We wish that more money was spent on research and less on administrative costs, marketing and advertising. So, probably no pink robes, slippers, mugs, pajamas, if this was not her 'color' before BC.



Let her talk about it if she wants. But, we also want to talk about you, with you, and the other things in our lives that don't stop because we have BC. I have a husband, three boys, a business with 75 employees, I don't want to be like the CNN of BC 24/7, it's not healthy.

Anonymous

Ele- if you don't bring it up at all we sometimes feel like you don't want us to talk about what we're going through. Instead let them know you're there to listen anytime.

ele8740

Thank you @Momof3Boys and @Kate33. I totally appreciate your help in all of this. I continue to be blown away by the support this communtiy gives to new members and total stragners.