helpless man

illinkville

I'm a 34year old father of a 16 month old girl and husband of a newly diagnose. Brca 1 triple neg idc 31 year old saint i have educated my self about this and there arecertain things that are not discussed for us guys and they are the hardest topics to cope my wife has no node involvement which is great we are doing chemo. First and its so hard to see and I. Just don't know what to do< for her me or my family I know we are strong and this is the most trying thing we've found in life .seems. we've had the best and worst days of our lives less than two years apart sorry if this seems scattered. But its as clear as my thoughts talking to some one with similar diagnose could shed light >

jacee

illinkville- I am so sorry to hear of your wife's diagnosis. I know it must be a terrible shock. It is so obvious how much you love her...just by your presence here. You are doing the best thing by becoming educated. You will find answers to about anything you need here. Good news on the "no node involvement". You might go to the chemotherapy forum. There you will find other ladies who are starting chemo at the same time. Just look for the month/year she started. It's a blessing to be able to have others to talk to going through the same thing at the same time. There is also a Triple Neg. thread as well. There are more and more men coming here to find out how to support their wives. Don't hesitate to share.....you will find much help here. Best to you....Joni

bcincolorado

I am so sorry you and your family are going through this.

What a blessing to your wife to have a supportive husband.  Hang in there.  You can get through this. 

You can "meet" other men and family members supporting their loved ones here too in different discussion boards.  You can always send  a private message to someone too by clicking on their name if you want to ask something but don't want to post it.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers

Paula

barbe1958

You are not "helpless" sweetie! You have the ability to wrap your arms around your wife and hold her and love her and make her feel safe! That is a wonderful feeling that some of us are lucky enough to get. Let your wife talk about life and death, let her get her fear out by saying the scary stuff you don't want to hear. Don't brush her fears under the carpet. If she can say the scary parts (death!) then she'll be stronger to face her next challenge. (Don't push her to talk about the scary stuff, but let her decide how much she wants to say.)  Just saying "everything will be fine" will mean nothing at this point because you don't know!!

Just "be". She needs you to physically and mentally be there for her. You can do this!

apple

your attitude is wonderful and you've come to a wonderful place for support and ideas.

When doing chemo (and I am now).. i find that exhaustion and fatigue are a new normal.  Helping around the house, hiring a cleaning lady, keeping things neat and relatively sterile are important.'

We put our diagnoses in our signature.. once you know your wife's stage and all you can find a forum that may specifically fit her type.. the triple negative forum is a good start.

I like to 'please' and take care of my husband but it's harder now.  you know the old saying ''I just want to be held'.. well it's true.  I forgive my husband for the deep love he has for me, but sincerely and secretly  wish he were less virile. (to put it bluntly)..

send your wife here, she may love it and find great support. 

A 16 month old girl is such a blessing..   lots of energy tho.  You'd be amazed how quickly they can be taught polite, clean manners.  My son was rather severely burnt at age 14 months and I was able to teach him to not touch his nose and mouth.. to use 2 forks at once to eat and many things without trouble.   I remember being in a restaurant after we got out of the hospital.. his two forks in his bandaged hands.. Everyone was watching.. (he was absolutely adorable) and someone bought us our dinner.  We had had plenty of time to practice manners, by simply putting a fork in his hand and helping him pick up food bits,, again and again and again.  Germs can be hard to deal with for some people.

Many of us live successfully with our diagnoses... I still do all the things i used to do in spite of my dire diagnosis.  I have continued to work, teach, play the organ in public.  Learning how to handle the side effects of chemo takes a bit of thought and work.  It takes a while to get one's head around the idea of living with cancer and it, as many will tell you, gets so much easier after a while.  Be open minded to the thought of your dear wife taking antidepressants for a bit of time - especially at the beginning.. they really helped me altho it took me a couple years to even consider that possiblity that they would help.

The best thing my husband does for me... (and I am not the needy type by any means) is to rub my feet.  It feels so darn good.  he gets some lotion.. and really does a wonderful job.  a flower or two occasionally couldn't hurt.

Best of luck and feel free to come to BCO often.  There is a super excellent search function in the upper right hand corner, really the best I've ever seen on the net,  and the forum itself addresses many issues with excellent suggestions and articles in the top task bar.. Breast Cancer. org HOME has great links to info up there.

I'm really sorry you have to face this dam curse with her.  Your family is soooooooooo young.  your love is pretty impressive.  I wish you the best of luck.

illinkville

Thank you for your kind words and generous. Responses this site is heaven sent for the people our all nice and willing to share this helps make it seem that this is not a battle fought. Alone

Letlet

I was 31 when I was diagnosed last year. My husband is my rock. He listened to me, to all my aches and pains, went to each appointment. He held me and told me that he loved me. He told me many times that I am beautiful to him (even though I was bald and post surgery). He was my ears at appointments.

Be your wife's rock.

mamachick

First let me say I am so sorry you have to be here for your wife.  I will agree with what the girls have already said.  Just be there for her, be there to let her cry.  But I will also say once you are into your journey further, open up if you haven't already and let her know your feelings too.  My husband is great, don't get me wrong, he was and is there for me in everything I have to go through, but he tends to bottle things up and not talk about what he is feeling.  I think talking makes you even closer during all of this.

Be there for your little one, so that if your wife just can't right then she knows that you've got here back.  And as the others have already said, just hold her when she needs it.  Forgive her when she cries over silly things that really don't matter. 

I hate that you have to be here, but I think you are an awesome husband for getting on here to educate yourself.  Ask any questions you need to, we are here to help. I too am triple neg., BRAC1 and going strong. Treatments are over and I am getting back into a normal life, so there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Yay!, for no node involvement.

37antiques

It's always so good to see the men on here.  You're a good man to want to know more and research more for your wife. I'm glad she has no node involvement.  The one thing to keep in mind when researching is to consider the source - very important.  And please remember if you are looking at any sort of statistics, they are all pretty much outdated by the time they get posted.  Everyone is different, every treatment is different, and everyone deals with it different or has different side effects.  I find this web site best, it just gives the facts and current research news, with a lot of personal stories from all of us, which is very important.  I always think it is much harder for the men and other family members to watch us go through treatment than the treatment itself, and that can say a lot!  So, my recommendation would be to make sure you are able to stay strong throughout it all.  I get a lot of strength from the boards here and I learn something new all of the time.  And see if your wife would like to visit us too, she may have questions that no one seems to be able to answer for her.  You're not alone, we're all here.

((hugs))

Linda-n3

Let me add my suppport, and I echo those women who say "just hold me, let me cry, let me talk, even though my fears may make you even more afraid - it really helps."  Barbe1958 and the others have really said it all.

Keeping you, your wife, and your daughter in my heart.

illinkville

Greetings all very new to this board and 1-25-12 diagnosis the outpouring of support from stragers is like that of family and very heartfelt i would really love to chat with a couple with simular diagnosis as ours without saying no two cases are exact but some ar totaly different please mesage to lineup a chat

Anonymous

I was very very ill before I knew I had breast cancer.  My husband was trying to love me back to health.  That's what hubbies do, they can be close and provide that strong arm, tuck in for a nap, or just the hug in the morning.  Blessing to you and your family.  Thank you for coming on and sharing.

apple

i would post multiple threads in differnet 'forums' asking for help.  There ARE quite a few men here.. they are just kind of hard to find.. HOpe you find some answers and support soon.

riceandbean

hey there,

i hear you brother.  hang in there.  our wives' dx may be different, but i am sure we feelin the same inside.

i always feel a slight disconnect, like i am watching myself and wife interact at a distance.  i want to go through tx for her.   i don't want her to have to waste another minute of her time with these silly rebel cancer cells.  i wanna alleviate her side effects...wish i could sit in her chair for her and take the red devil push...i don't mind not having hair...in fact i shaved my head in support the day she started chemo...anything i can do to TRY to feel closer to her through this.

now i am relegated to housecleaning duties, giving her foot and toe rubs, checking on her well-being umpteen times a day, getting up with our 13 month-old son at every hour of the night.  i know people say i havta take care of myself too, but i don't really care for that.  i just want off of this train for all three of us...i know in some time, God willing, we will be there, and this will just be a bad dream that we finally awoke from...and you know what?  we will all be the better for our trials, closer in our ties, and confident that we can beat anything together!

i have some plans...gonna learn how to cook some healthy meals for the family.  gonna be strong...responsible...listen when she needs me too...take everything she says with a grain of salt, cause she doesn't feel so good...make her a mix cd or playlist for her ipod, figure out how to do the laundry without ruining our clothes.  we are gonna learn how to BREATHE TOGETHER through this all.

stay strong brother... and pray.  i am here for you if i can be of any support. 

jacee

riceandbean- what a wonderful post, and I'm sure will be encouraging to helpless man! We all learn so much from each other. So thankful for the transparency here. Both of your wives are so blessed to have such loving, caring men in their lives.

maccupiccu

I have no words as this would be my biggest fear (I have a 3 year old). I just want to give you a hug (my own mom is going through end stage)

illinkville

Well I guess we are settling. In to the routine. Somewhat. And rational. Is coming back I can some it up best as few words in life hit you like I'm pregnant. Followed by your a dad but you have cancer I've heard all three of those in the past two years and only one of the three have hurt all are little scary. But only one hurts we see with our eyes a little clearer. Than a few weeks ago I'm. Doing my best to be a provider a father and a caregiver it is consuming but I think I'm doing all right to any one just starting with fresh bad news keep your chin up its Gona be hard but just keep going have faith and stay positive and the. Rest will come thanks to every one who has had kind words we are not out of the woods by any means but we are staying at a very nice campsite by the creek.