i miss my mom

haymon

i lost my mom to breast cancer 2 months ago. i'd been studying abroad and i only got to take care of her for two weeks. she didn't tell me that the situation had gotten worse. she was afraid that i left school and came back for her. i was angry that she didn't take my calls. she alwyas said she was busy n scolded me for calling her while it took her all the energy she had to even talk. she broke her arm and pelvis and her lung was filled with fluid. she had to suffer a lot and all she wanted was to go back home (we brought her to hospital after i got home). but i didn't take her. if only i knew there was no hope, i would have brought her back home. 

there was nth i could do. i just watched.

my mom was superstitious and she didn't truse western doctors. she always used traditional medicine. she didn't even get the lump to check whether it's cacner or not. she told us that it could be a breast lump. i believed her. i alwasy believed whatever my mom told me and i thought that tradtional medicine was actually curing her. i didn't think much about it. i never thought it could happen to my mom. i never thought my mom would be leaving me this soon. now i couldn't help but think if i could have talked her into treating with chemo or radiation or whatever and then i could have saved her. How stupid i was. she lived for three years with cancer. she was like a normal person except occasional headache and fatigue. Three months before she passed away, she couldn't walk or talk properly.

 i know this is a rambling but i feel a bit better writing about what i feel. 

i miss her. i miss her so much. even though i've heard when other ppl die and i felt sorry for them. it's not the same. only now i can understand what they must have felt. only ppl who have gone through the experience can understand.

the fact that i cannot see her or kiss her or talk to her brings me to tears everytime

Although i tried to forget, i tired to be stronger. i cna't be strong. everything i thought that mattered to me doesn't matter to me anymore. i don't care about finishing my degree.  i don't care about money. i don't care about having friends around me.
she always told me  she would come to my graduation.:'( i haven't even bought her sth with my own money. i wanted to do sth special when i get my first salary. 

i know i probably shoudn't feel like this. whenver i do sth good for my father, i feel like it's not fair to my mom.
It's not fair

i hate cancer  

suebak

Oh Hayman-I am so sorry for your loss.  I have felt your pain in the past, when I lost my father.  He was an amazing man, and I just couldn't bear the thought of never seeing him again.  People would tell me, "time heals all wounds".  I found myself wishing time away, hoping I would one day feel normal.  Definitely, went through a bought of depression.  Time does heal, eventually you will feel better little by little.  You will always miss your Mom, it just won't hurt as much.  I will keep you in my prayers.  P.S. I HATE CANCER TOO

dlb823

I'm so sorry about your Mom.  I'm sure whatever decisions she made about telling you her situation or having you not come home sooner were done out of love for you and wanting what was best for you.  And sometimes it's very difficult to judge how quickly breast cancer will progress.  And there's no assurance additional treatment would have prolonged her life, and it may have made her very sick.  It's too bad she couldn't go home, but it doesn't sound like that decision was within your control.

I think everything you're feeling at the moment is totally normal, but I also know your Mom would not want your grief to drag you down forever.  No mother would ever wants that for her children.  She would want you to have a beautiful, full and happy life.  Sometimes talking to others who have gone through or are going through what you're going through helps a lot.  Many hospitals run grief support groups, which might be something you could look into -- maybe attend one to see if it might be helpful.

I hope in time you will know that your Mom is always with you ~ both in your heart and watching over you.  And I hope the wonderful memories you have of her will one day fill the emptiness you're feeling right now.   (((Hugs))) ~ and I'm glad you've found BCO.    Deanna 

diza

I'm so sorry about your mom. She's kind of like my mom who believed too much in traditional meds and I tried so hard, even stressed her out, to get her to have chemo/radiation treatments but she never budged. That was before her cancer spread. Yesterday, we had her bone scan results and the cancer is every where. I feel so angry - angry at myself for not convincing her hard enough, angry at her for being too complacent. I also feel so lost and I don't want to do anything any more despite the crazy deadlines I have at work.

 I know that it's hard to get our lives back together when we lose someone but we should. Your mother cared for you so much, as well as for your graduation. You should get back to doing to the things that you have to do (getting a degree, graduating, getting a job), because that's what your mother would've wanted. Do this for her. 

I can't wait to see you post your graduation photos. I'm here if you need someone to talk to. I'm a bit lonely myself and I know I should get my life back together too, specially for my mom. Our mothers had such big dreams for us and even if it's hard to move on, we should because that's what they would've wanted.

Jaytee

Oh, Haymon, my heart is breaking for you.........I lost my Mom 16 years ago not to bc but another form of this insidious disease.  I hate cancer too.  I, too found myself replaying so many things in my mind----regretting things I had said or done over the years--- feeling that I had not done enough for her.  

In the days after her funeral I found myself wanting to jump right up after supper and do the dishes.  Hope this doesnt sound silly.  Thats what my Mom always did, at home, when we were visiting other people's homes, at church--you could always find her in the kitchen.  I, on the other hand would rather do anything but wash dishes----go read a book, get invovled in a tv show---the dishes could always wait.   Jumping up and doing those dishes was just a simple everyday thing I could do to honor her memory.

One night standing alone in the kitchen washing those dishes, it felt like just for a few seconds as if she were standing right beside me---it was just a fleeting feeling but so comforting.    That was when I knew it was going to be okay..............Oh Haymon, you wrote that your Mom wanted to come to your graduation,  When you are standing up there, receiving your diploma, I just know your Mom is going to be right there with you.    Take care, wish there were words that could truly take away the pain of a loss so great, you are in my thoughts.       Sending you a momly hug-----jaytee

apple

carryon with your life Haymon.. it is likely what your mother would have wanted.  I miss my mom too.  something awful  I still pick up the phone to call her more than a year later.

so sorry

Moderators

Our sincerest regrets on behalf of our BCO Team. 

Our thoughts are with you, haymon!

Your Mods 

haymon

I'm so glad i found BCO.  this has helped me a lot past few days. i have no words to describe how much i'm grateful for all the words shared. i was devastated when i posted. i was away from home (i had to come back for uni). while i was at home, everytime i cried, my family was there. they never let me rethink a lot about those horrible days before she passed away. i called them often but i didn't want dad to think i'm having such a hard time (he's had enough trying to be strong through all this). but when i'm alone, all these memories came back. the days at the hospital, she was in pain and there was nth i could do to help her feel better. i was at the point where i blamed myself for everything that has happened.

my mom was like diza's. she believed too much in traditional medicine and wouldn't budge. although i tried talking to her to get treatments, i couldn't help but think whether i could have really talked her into it.but now i try to think that it was because of those traditional medicines she could live for 3 years like a normal person and not suffer pain for a long time. there's nth i can do now except to change my thinking.

i think about things i could have done for her. things i should have told her. there's so much that i regret not doing. i cared more about my father now. it makes me sad that it took me a mother to realize whati should have done. i wish i could have done more for her. her whole life was devoted to her children. just when we're all grown up and time to give her back, she's not here. it's not the same without a mother. it's like there's nth in my heart. dad loves me and i have a brother and a sister who care about me. but it's just not the love u get from a mother.  

a few days ago . i dreamed about mom. she was at home sitting on bed and i was beside her. we were talking and i checked the wound she had on her breast. and there was nth. her breasts have no cancer. and i hugged her. it was only a short moment but after i woke up, i had this feeling like a real happiness. i felt less empty. i still cries and miss her a lot. sometimes i just hold my hands together to pretend i was holding hers. but it's a lot better now. she was suffering a lot. at least she didn't have to feel this much pain. i believe in life after death so it's comforting to think that she's in a better place now. 

i'm going to try harder at life now. she always wanted me to become a succesful and independent person. although she couldn't see what i would become, i don't want to waste those times in her life supporting me. 

i hope time would eventually ease the pain. i know i'm going to miss her always but hopefully i would feel less empty in time.

i owe so much to all of you. i read this and i know ppl have gone and are going through the same things. it makes me less alone. whenver i think about mom and feel sad, i read this post again to make myself stop crying.

i don't want mom to worry about me if she could see me. 

i pray that cancer can be cured one day and that one day is soon enough.  

Jaytee

haymon------sounds like we experienced something similar-----I cherish that comforting feeling, don't you? We will always miss our moms and like you said, there is nothing like their love in our lives.  I am glad that you are feeling a bit better today.   God Bless

Wendyspet

It will get better with time, but there are grief counselors out there if you need help.  Hospice will help with that, if your mom had hospice.

I know the frustration of not doing enough.  My sister "ignored" her tumor for months.  Unfortunately it was melanoma and she passed.  (My nephews miss her terribly).  I take comfort in the fact that she did it "her" way--and so did your mom.  They were her choices.

You sound like a wonderful young lady--your parents did a good job.  All parents really want out of our lives is to have good and happy kids.  Don't spend your time feeling guilty--I'm sure your mom is very proud of you.

haymon

i do cherish that feeling. it was only for a short while but it was like mom was back in my heart again. i don't feel like she's gone anymore. she's just in a different place. thanks to my family and everyone here, i'm feeling better and  stronger day by day. 

haymon

thank u. i always felt like it was partly my fault that i didn't know much about cancer and coudn't do anything for her. like u said, at least it was her choice. she did it her way. and although she spent most her life raising us, she was happy being a mom. and she was proud of me... this brings back happy memories. 

it was comforting to think from a parent's perspective and maybe she was satisfied. and that she was happy

angelsister

Im glad to read you're feeling stronger haymon. What you are going through is normal and natural but that doesn't make it any bloody easier does it?? I know you dont want to forget her but sometimes doing other things that you enjoy gives you a break from the overwhelming feelings. I bet your mom would tell you'you need that! ' Thats all moms want isn't it, for our children to be ok? I know you miss her terribly but looking after your self, taking time to be kind to your self and smile about other things might help you along? Very best wishes to you x</

diza

I'm glad you're feeling okay, haymon. I couldn't find the strength in me to be strong for my mother right now, even though I try so hard to put on a poker face in the hospital, I totally break down when I'm at home. Thanks for letting me see that things would get better and easier.