A Letter to My Friends - Or Why "Being Strong" Only Goes So Far

WaveWhisperer

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dltnhm

Most excellent! Thank you for sharing this here. I might print this out with credit due and one of those 'all rights reserved' disclaimers in your name, then leave this where others may happen upon it .... Not just cancer places ...But restrooms, dentist and doctor offices, sports facilities, the gym, food courts, church lobby, etc. you get the idea.



This is coming from a plerson who believes and knows that my faith and strength is only from the Lord, but moreso the belief in a God who expects praise and worship and gratitude in the midst of the storm, but also expressions of doubt, fear, weakness, frustration, anger, etc. He not only accepts the latter,but invites and encourages me to be authentic and real in all things.



Thank you again.



Diana

anniebell

Rachel,  that was so beautifully written and expresses all the emotions and feelings we go through.  You are an amazing woman!  Thank you for the courage to put your feelings into words.

heatherb8

Rachel....Well done!  Thank you for writing for all of us, but I really think you should have mentioned the mean lady at work that should shut her pie hole!  I'm joking of course..I love to write when I have the time, but this was amazing work!  You sure have a gift! 

xoxo

Heather

Kaara

Great read, and so so true!!  Putting our thoughts down on paper is such wonderful therapy!  I have done this several times in my life...haven't felt the need yet since I've been dx with bc, but I did write a letter to my ex (only for my kids to give to him after I die if they choose) and it helped me let go of some of the resentments that I was holding in for so many years, even though I thought I had moved on.

I was dx with bc in October, so the full impact has not yet hit me.  I've been through the surgery, was fortunate not to need chemo, and turned down rads.  I'm going on tamox which I hate doing, but feel I should make some compromises in addition to my lifestyle changes to prevent recurrence.  Good thing I bought a wig, because I hear you lose your hair, and I don't have that much left:(

 I guess the most disappointing thing I've encountered so far are the people who you think will care so much, that simply do not care at all.  I've been totally ignored by my cousin (we grew up together like sisters) and she has failed to even acknowledge my bc.  She has her own issues, but I never realized she had so little compassion.  My other cousin (a real tough guy) who I didn't expect to hear much from wrote me the sweetest letter after I was dx!  It meant so much to me.

I think once you are dx with bc or any other serious disease, you enter a "new normal" in your life and must learn to adjust accordingly.  I no longer have the calm composure I once had because I've been taken off all my HRT.  I am on a restricted diet, stare down tons of supplements that I must take daily, can't have that glass of wine with friends except on special occasions, and I really miss my big piece of red velvet cake with ice cream that now I will reserve only for my birthday!

 The big bonus to all of this is I'm alive, healthy, and feeling pretty darn good for what I've been through, so all in all, life is still good!

Sending prayers, hugs and positive energy to everyone! 

kmccraw423

You are a gifted writer and a creative storyteller!

christina0001

Thanks for sharing, I enjoyed reading this.

hrf

outstanding....should be published for all to read

Momof2inME

Amazing and poignant writing. Thanks Rachel!!

rachelvk

Thanks for all the comments. I sometimes feel frustrated because for all the writing I've done, I've never published a book, or became 'famous,' etc, but then I remember that much of what I've written has reached and touched people in some way, so that makes me feel like it's been worth it.

I think what I struggle with is the concept of "well, what DO I want from people?" I did show this to my BF, and he was a bit taken aback (although he of everyone I know has responded the best - he just lets me be me, whatever my mood, and only rarely says the 'wrong' thing. That's an accomplishment as he can have a somewhat irreverent sense of humor. But I know to expect that.) All I know is I don't want 'pity' - I'm dealing with this pretty damn well; I don't want people to ignore the fact that I'm 'ill' - or at least struggling with some serious, if unseen, challenges; and I don't want to be put up on a pedestal - that I'm superhuman for what I'm doing, setting a fantastic example, etc. Not sure what that leaves - except, as my BF suggested - just treat me like the person you know I am and understand the new realities that are part of my life.

There, I think that does it. It's just hard for others not in a situation like this to grasp.

Interestingly, some of the best conversations I've had have been with my boss. He's writing a book on marines suffering from PTSD, and I think he sees me in that same 'survivor' category. Sometimes he does border on holding me up as a shining example of optimism and hope in a potentially life threatening situation, but at least I'm glad he's seeing my situation as bringing out my strengths, rather than making me a less valuable worker.

I'm fine with people passing this around, though if you want to credit it, just use "Rachel K" for now. I do think it probably applies equally well to any cancer survivor, or even many people with any type of chronic illness. 

toomuch

Rachel - I'm a year out from treatment and your letter still resonates with me. I wish I'd had the courage to say this to my friends, family and coworkers. I say put it  out there!

SheChirple

Can I add a comment.  I have been very lucky and blessed that my cancer was caught early.  I had a double mastectomy and am curently undergoing reconstruction.  I was blessed to have no chemo, no radiation and no outward signs of cancer, other than the hollow chest where I once had a DD.

To some this means I had GOOD cancer.  On a sliding scale, that may be true.  But, until you hear cancer and your name in the same sentence, you just don't get it, do you.  Good or bad, it's cancer.

I have my brave face I put on every day.  I have always been the happy, spirited, upbeat person who keeps my workplace happy and upbeat for all.  Because of this, everyone seems to think that all is well, and perhaps I add to that illusion by repeating that all is well.  When the truth is, even though I am now cancer free, as you know, the risk still hangs over my head.  I am still pulling it all back together.  I am still a cancer patient.  I still have a long road ahead.  I still have my limitations and moments.

For example, last week I had an ovenight business trip where I had to fly.  I packed my suitcase, headed to the airport and BAMM - because of my tissue expanders and recent chest surgery, I had to (gulp) ask for help to lift my suitcase!!! OMG.  Once in my seat, I cried the entire flight.  It hit me that I still need help.  Today I'm trying to clean my house and the extra scrubbing has aggravated my chest and I'm now in horrible pain.  OMG I can't do the things I need and want to do.  And, it hits me.....this is going to be months that I can't do these things.

So, yes, I have on my brave face, but I'm crumbling inside.  The woman I was, I am no longer. But it seems that only I know. The mask I wear is heavy.  The mask I wear is painful.  The mask I wear is necessary, because the woman I was is who I want to be, and the mask is the only way to acheive that, on the outside. 

blackjack

Rachel, what a beautifully well written letter that expresses what we have felt at one time another. I too wrote a letter in the wee hours before my surgery. I emailed it to all my family and friends in the middle of the night as if it was my last will and testament. I acknowledge each one and what they meant to me. Their love and support during this bc journey and spelled out what I wanted from each of them. To treat me like me!. To laugh with me, cry with me and shop and lunch with me. Some were able to comply, others had a really hard time seeing me sick. But in time and I am 5 years out..I left bc in the wind and didn't look back, took to living my life and having a wonderful time at it. Became a better person,to really feel what others feel and to be supportive as I can. Sadly I have had seen a few of my dearest friends deal with various cancers and can relate to how they feel. 

Thank you for sharing your emotions with us as some are unable to express to their family and friends on how they really feel.Hope you continue to heal on your journey to wellness.

BJ

rachelvk

Thanks again. I do try and look at the 'positive' side -  despite the frustrations, I am very thankful that I have yet to throw up or have a serious infection during chemo (only a low-grade fever once so far), can still more or less make it into work, still have taste buds that still try to do their job most of the time, and finally, that hopefully all of this will work completely and I'll be cancer free for the rest of my life. But I think the mental challenge is the hardest - I have changed in some way, and the challenge is how to acknowledge that while not giving myself an excuse to give up and tread water the rest of the way. 

blackjack

Rachel...be kind to yourself, be frustrated when you want and the positive will be there when you need it. This is a journey know one wants, but with love and support you will make it. Yes, I do agree that the mental challenge is the hardest....I found for me that I really did put me first. If I was tired I took a nap, if I was stressed out I ran on my treadmill or I listened to piano music.

Take one day at a time, journal your thoughts and feelings. Watch funny movies or my favorite read trashy novels. Remember there is a new "normal" life at the end of all those tx. So hang in there you are one special person!!! Hugs to you.

BJ

ImJulie

Those of us going through this journey so "get it". With humor and truth in each sentence. Thank you for putting into words what I and I'm sure many of us think.

~Julie 

bevin

You are a great writer - very talented, your letter is amazing!

JulieLynn

I'm grateful that you have such a wonderful gift and talent to put into words what I am not able to. I cried as I read it not only because it's exactly how I feel but also because it's a much needed reminder that I'm not alone in all of this.

miniwheat

Surrounded by friends and family offering endless love and support yet I feel so incredibly alone ... Reading your post changed that. I want to thank you for that.

rachelvk

Just read this to my Mom, who's here to take me to tx #4. She actually 'got' it, which makes me feel good.

cheryl1946

rachelvk

There are not enough adjectives to say how awesome this is!

cheryl1946

SheChirple

You too are a fantastic writer;especially the last paragraph.

My first dx was dcis and everyone said "that's the best cancer to get,if you get cancer"

A week later dx of 2 idc's and that was not the "good cancer"

Then dx of bone mets and stage IV. All this in a 2 month period.

I'm doing well on letrozole and zometa.

I wish you the best.

flowers56

Rachel,  I'm so impressed with you in many ways.  Loved your letter, you spoke for all of us.  Also, that you are still working, I couldn't do that.  I feel guilty others are, but I know I'm too sick from chemo.   Many cudos to you and everyone of us struggling to be the "new me."  

SelenaWolf

Here!  Here!

If one more person calls me "inspirational" and "heroic", I'm going to scream.  I'd really rather go back to being my usual, slightly boring, pre-cancer self.

And to those IDIOTS who squealed "oh!  You can get NEW BREASTS!!!!"... I still have no words.

marjie

Well Said!!  I'm off to write a letter .....

rachelvk

Despite writing this after my third tx, it took me until last week to leave my state of denial about how tired this was making me. I'd push through and assume I just wasn't sleeping well, etc (which might have contributed). But I'm finding how subtle the exhaustion can be.

I've learned to 'broadcast' my tiredness at work, and I think it's helped most of my coworkers understand that I'm not quite my usual self, and they're mostly good about it. 

Patriotgirl

Perfect! Sums it up to a tee and with humor!

ahutton

I love this letter! Been there done ALL of that. I wrote a book with hints and tips and I covered some of what you've written. I also have a blog at www.baldisbetterwithearrings.com Good for you!

rachelvk

ahutton - Thank you. I'll check out the blog. I sort of wish I had blogged my way through. I used to keep a diary, but that seemed to fade away after college. I started up again after my dx, but didn't stick with it much.

I'm glad to report that - I'M DONE!!!! If I thought it was tough after 3, #s 5 and 6 were pretty daunting on the exhaustion level. I'm now 2 weeks PFC, and get winded if I try to move to fast.

But I have to admit, in the end, I still fared much better than it could have been. Which made it harder for my friends to understand why I was still complaining, but no matter how 'easy' you have it, chemo is no walk in the park.

Good luck to everyone who will have to tread this path in the future. But you can do it. 

Ginger48

Rachel- I just stumbled on this thread today and wanted to thank you for so eloquently describing what so many of us are feeling. You really are a talented writer and should consider writing a book about your experiences.



Shepirtle-your comment about the masks really hit home!



I feel conflicted because I don't want to be put on a pedestal or felt sorry for but I am a changed woman from this whole experience. I put on a brave face and smile and push through each day. People think I am done because they can't see the lymphedema, frozen shoulder, Femara aches and pains and lack of sleep. I don't want to be a whiner about how it's not over. I just want it to be so I can feel good and strong again!