Alone - recent double mastectomy

theyaregone

I was told I had cancer on a Friday and had a double mastectomy just last week (less than a week from being diagnosed).

My husband passed away and my daughter won't talk to me, even through all this.  I am totally alone.

I hurt and don't have anyone.  I am thinking awful things like I can't go on anymore with this and being alone.  I am so sad right now and need someone to talk to. 

mikita5

Hello!

You are not alone. Everyone on this website is here for you. 

I'm sorry you had to go thru a diagnosis of cancer. Do you know what type bc you had or if there will be treatments?

momof3boys

I'm so sorry you're in such a spot. Do you have friends, neighbors or belong to any groups or a church?

mimi791

Hi They:

 ((hugs))  Breast cancer is crappy enough, you don't need to add other difficult things to it. This is a fabulous website with girls all over the world.  I encourage you to use a support group and most hospitals have a social worker who helps coordinate care.  There are charities that provide cleaning services for folks who are undergoing chemo and thousands of us here to help when you need an answer to a question or just need a nice virtual scream.  I will say this about my own experience with treatment, my fear of what it would be like was much worse than it actually was.   If you add your location and your staging people will chime in and help you with your every question.  For instance, I live in CT and we have a thread here and we occasionally manage to get together.  I also had lots of hats left after treatment and was able to donate them to another girl who came after me.  if you have questions you aren't comfortable asking in a forum, you can send a private message.  I would be more than happy to share my email and phone number if you need an ear to cry on. I never had a sister until I had cancer and now I have dozens and they are all amazing!

 Mimi

theyaregone

Thanx for the quick responses.  I had DCIS stage 0 - both pos tests.  I see oncology on Monday but probably won't be recommended any further treatments (tomoxifen) since I have lost both breasts.

I have nobody.  I thought all I ever needed was my husband and being a military family, friends is something we didn't make because everyone always left.  I am just so sad and so afraid of where my mind goes sometimes.  I think of suicide all the time but am way too afraid to follow through.  Before you ask, yes, I have a therapist and she will be here tomorrow.  We'll talk about this again.

I think I am feeling especially depressed right now because I don't feel well.  I hurt and am so very tired.  I can't sleep because this is so uncomfortable.  And I know I am not eating right because I have to fend for myself and have no desire to cook and I can't drive yet.  So it is usually a bowl of cereal or a bologna sandwich.

I haven't taken any pain pills for 3 days because I don't feel safe taking them, being here alone and trying to take care of the house, appointments and all the stuff that goes with living day-to-day.

I am just so lonely.  Even more so because I don't have anyone to help me or even to hug me. 

PlantLover

I'm glad you found this site.  You're not completely alone anymore.  There are a lot of really cool folks on this site and they have a lot of insight that will help. 

I'm glad you have therapist that you'll be seeing tomorrow.  Please check with the hospital where you had your surgery to see what support groups might be available. 

((( You )))

mikita5

theyaregone: I just sent you a private message.

chrissyb

Hi They, I'm really sorry that you are going through all this alone.  Do you have any neighbours that you know enough to ask if they will keep a check on you or even take you to the store? also, most cities and town have service clubs that will help in any way possible all you need to do is ask.

Sending you the biggest (((((((((HUG))))))))).  I know it's not the same as the real thing but it is sent with all the love for another going through this terrible time that I can muster.  When feeling lonely, come to these boards and let your fingers do the talking.  There is usually some one around that is happy to chat  and answer any questions you might have. 

When you see your onc on Monday, ask him/her for an ani-depressant.  Don't worry, I don't think you are a danger to yourself but I do know that you need a little help right now and that is very normal.  Most of us have had them at one point or another and they do help to get us through all of this.

Love n hugs.  Chrissy

mary625

Sending you caring thoughts...

christina1961

Sending you hugs and support.  I'm so sorry you are going through this alone, but you should be feeling better physically soon and I bet you are right - feeling so bad physically has to have a bad effect psychologically. Plus it sounds like all of this has happened so fast - as it does with us all - and it is overwhelming. You have found a great, safe place to reach out, though, and I'm glad you will have someone to talk to tomorrow.  I've gone to talk to the social worker at the hospital where I've been treated and it has really helped me.

paintedlady

Hello They

Just ran across your post. I am so sorry about your situation.

The other Sisters have given you very good information. I don't know if you belong to a church group but that has helped me alot. I feel that if I need help I can call someone. My husband did not keep his part of the vow "in sickness and in health"  He refused to be there when I had surgery. My brother drove for 4 hours to be there (Thank God). I faced some of the treatment alone. 

And yes, I am mostly alone so I get lonely. I am lonely right now. But this too shall pass.

Please feel free to pm if you would like

Giving you cyber hugs

hopedreams

Hi.. please just be thankful that your CANCER IS NOW GONE..!! It's a big adjustment to go thru this alone..but U will get passed this.. Each new day..U will start to feel like yourself again..Just give yourself some NEEDED TIME..TO ADJUST..U CAN DO IT!!!

Panmars

You are not alone. You have all of us here at BCO to lean on. I think Chrissy's suggestion of an anti-depressant is a good one. I also think you should take your pain pills as needed. Being in pain makes everything seem more difficult, and they may help you get some sleep, which in turn will help you feel better. Keep your chin up, you will get through this! And we are here for you whenever you need us.

Sending hugs from Minnesota,

Sandi 

PinkShirtNow

I understand the feeling of despair.  When you are by yourself, there is nothing to distract you from your thoughts.  We are here for you and send you positive thoughts and the kind of affection that only someone who has been through this can understand.  I know it is tough (yes, really tough) but try to eat what you can and make sure to drink enough water or other fluids.  You need to keep up your strength.  We care.  You are not alone.

hopedreams

by the way..your pain med is there for U to take for your post op pain.. I don't think U should be afraid to take it.. Pain only makes U feel worse.. Why not try to relax and take your pain meds..thats whats it's there for.. ((HUGS)) Hope

Mallory107

Have you thought about calling your church?  Ours has a ministry to help people in just your kind of situation.  I bet most do.  Even if you are not a member I am sure if you spoke with them they would be there for you. 

bcincolorado

Hi:

Please know you are not alone.  All of us are here and you can send a message to any of us and we'll respond.

I know my oncologist office has a support group for cancer patients if you would like to meet someone in person to meet face to face with who can relate to what you are going through.

I don't know what pain meds your doc prescribed.  I had 3 different ones of varying levels and "stepped down" on them as fast as I could.  Maybe a lower dose of a different med might help with your post-op pain without making you feel like you can't care for yourself and your needs at the same time?  If they only gave you one med, you might want to call your doc's office to see if they can prescribe something else or recommend a lower dose?

Paula

Moderators

theyaregone, the members of this community are always here to give you information and support, and they're so right about the sources for real-life help too. Service organizations, your local church or other place of worship, BC support groups, social workers at your hospital or doctor's office can all provide help or connections to home help, friendly visits or calls, transportation to appointments and so on. 

This section from the main Breastcancer.org site, Mastectomy: What to Expect goes through a step-by-step description, including advice for after you get home.

Judith and the Mods

identtwins

Talk to me.  I had a double mastectomy 8 days after finding out.  My husband left me and is now divorcing me.  My mother doesn't speak to me.  I have children but they don't get it.  I am here for you.  Debbie

paintedlady

Hi Ident

Wow when my husband didn't want anything to do with me, I felt like the only person in the world this was happening too. While he was being his heartless self, my father and his wife were behaving like typical psychopaths. It is very sad that besides going through the stress of bc, these monsters have to rear their ugly heads.

Nel138281

Ident,

You have a wonderful group here, Stay in touch as often as you need.  Ask your therapist what she can do to connect you to others , resources and supports in the community.  It can be difficult to reach out and ask for help, I hate it this is a huge learning curve for me in this process, but please do it.  There are folks out there who would step up in a flash.  You just don't know them yet.   There are new friedns and a whole new world waiting,it just does not seemlike it right now.  Asothers have said, an anti depressant and your pain meds.  A good MD will be able to know what it is OK to take together or not.

Be well and stay in touch.

Nel

Circles

I had a masectomy on just one breast and I was fortunate to have help at home.  But I have a friend who had a demon husband who insisted she not spend a single night in the hospital so he wouldn't have to pay his copay share.  He swore to the Doctor he would take excellent care of her.  Once she was home and in bed, he simply shut the door and went to watch TV.  She had to use the bathroom and she called and called for him but he never came.  When she tried to get up she fell to the floor.  She urinated on herself and was only able to pull the cover off the bed for herself.  She laid there all night.  The very next day she kicked him out.  They are now divorcing...  But I tell you this story because I know just a single masectomy was horrible for me and I always wondered how my friend managed with her double.  Know what she told me?  She said it gave her strength to make choices for herself.  And she realized her biggest fear was not being alone anymore. 

Once you get the drain tubes out it gets a lot easier.  You can also try to take half a pain pill if you find they make you too loopy.  But by all means, make yourself comfortable. 

There is a whole new life waiting for you...  You just have to get past this now.  You can do it! 

Hugs to you from tennessee.

theyaregone

Identwins, This just breaks my heart.  Why are people so cruel?  I am so sorry.

theyaregone

Circles, I am so sorry for your friend.  I just cried reading her story.  I guess I would rather be alone than to be treated like that.  I also feel, after reading her story, that to be without my rotten daughter is a good thing because she is cruel as well.

Last evening I was so depressed.  I am sure that being tired, sick and alone is a major factor.  I had a long hard cry then got up and took an Ativan.  I made a bowl of soup and went to bed.  Then I prayed.  I am not a church going woman and do not belong to one so praying is something pretty new to me and I am not sure if I do it the right way but I just talk to God and tell him how I feel.

Unbelievable but I slept over 8 hours last night!  I awoke to a good foot of freshly fallen snow and it's a new day.

I am so pleased that I found this site.  It is the best by far. You were all right here when I needed you.  You understand how I feel and you share, honestly.  Thank you so much for that.

I have a great idea - everyone come to Maine.  I want to look at your beautiful faces and give you all hugs.  Thanx for being here for me last night and I am sure you'll be here again when I reach out.  I hope to get to a point where I will be able to reach out to someone when they need it too.

Myleftboob

thearegone

I agree other poster that advised you to take the pain meds.  Being in pain AND feeling the way you do emotionally is a double whammy.  I was afraid of becoming reliant on the pills, but they helped me sleep which is SO important.  By 2 weeks post op was only taking tylenol at bedtime. I only had a UNI so I can only imagine how uncomfortable you are. Its week 6 now post op I am finally feeling back to normal from an energy .standpoint.  I think you'll find by reading here that from diagnosis to surgery is a totall whirlwind (8 days for me) although in hindsight it was a blessing.  So much to organize in so little time was less time to dwell on things.

I too was totally taken back by those I thought I could rely on and didn't step up at all.  On the flipside also totally surprised by those that I never expected would be there for me have and continue to be.

I don't know where you live but there are many resources available and I'm sure your therapist will steer you in the right direction.  I'm glad you found this site.  xoxo

Myleftboob

Whoo hoo, road trip to Maine!!!

musiclovermom

theyaregone - I can totally relate to your situation!

And being alone in Maine during the winter is bad enough!

OMG I was born and raised there - my last winter in Maine it was 70 below with the wind chill factor!

I did this cancer crap alone too. The day I picked up my husband from the air port for our daughter's HS graduation was the day I found out about my cancer. (he had been gone 4 months already)

I had a divorce, empty nest, selling a house, buying a house, moving & unpacking, surgery and all the other crap hit me the same week. Thank God I was too busy to fall apart. 

I was choosing a bilateral mastectomy while my furniture was being loaded on a moving truck.

The great thing is that all the women here are able to relate to you in some way. Most of them still have their DH - not me... I certainly know what it is like to go it alone. I live alone and my daughters live far away too. 

You are so much stronger than you realize right now.

I remember sleeping in my recliner for 6 weeks after surgery because I was going through reconstruction. Having a full night's good rest changes a lot!!! 

check in often and you will find the support you need!

I used to sit in front of my computer drinking wine and reading all these messages.

I am so sorry you had this happen, but we are here for you!

Big Hugs

Kimberly 

Circles

I'm not an overly religious person either but I do believe in God.  There is no right or wrong way to pray.  God will hear you and understand what you are saying. 

 My friend I told you about is doing great now and she's got the prettiest boobs in town!  But better than that she found strength she never knew she had.  I'm really proud of her.  That man abused her for over 30 years.  Strange that it took cancer to give her strength but I guess The Lord works in mysterious ways.  I am sure there is a plan for you as well. 

I will keep coming back here to see how you are.  You really aren't alone.  We are all in this boat together.   

A road trip sounds great to me!!

3monstmama

theyaregone, many hugs. 

Mother daughter relations can be awfully complicated.  but You can get through this just as other women have before you.  This website is a place where you can always find someone to talk to, someone to listen.

I agree with those encouraging you to take your pain meds.  Being in a lot of pain just amplifies the negativity in your situation.  If you feel nervous about having access to the full bottle, take out a few, put them in a different container and then put the rest of the bottle in a harder to reach place.  when you get down to one pill, find the full bottle and add a couple.

does the place where you are being treated have any support groups?  I found a lot of support at a knitting circle organized out of my treatment facility.  It really helped.  My cancer team also included a therapist who specialized in treating women with breast cancer.  She gave me some lovely antidepressants and really helped me through treatment. 

Many hugs...

AmyIsStrong

Theyaregone - so glad you slept well. I am going to believe this was a new beginning, not an isolated event.  The help on these boards is invaluable. I truly do not believe I could have done my treatment without the support I received here.  That being said, there is something of value with in-person support too. PLEASE check with your hospital or cancer center to see what support services are available. They may have a cancer support group or breast cancer support services.  Also, check to see if there is a cancer support community center near you. I looked online and found one in S Portland and one in Ellsworth, but I don't know Maine at all and don't know if those are near you. You need to reach out (when you feel able) and replace some of the relationships you have lost with some new ones. 

Again, I am glad last night was better. Everything is more manageable after a good night's rest. Please update us on your time with the therapist and any suggestions he/she might have.

Sending love your way

Amy 

momof3boys

Hi! I'm glad you're having a better day today! Just thought of something....at my oncology center, they have an exercise coach and classes just for breast cancer women. It's go at your own pace, women are doing different activities with the support of the coach... All ages from 30's thru 70's. Lots of friendships being made, restaurant dinners, book clubs, coffee dates, etc... With a bunch of women supporting each other. Ask you MO or BS if there's something similar where you are.

You have us, too!