I think my stepmom has advanced IBC

peggy_pony

My stepmom is older, in her 60s. After my father passed away, she moved to start anew. She's a free spirit and follows a naturapathic view towards health and medicine.

About two years ago, she found a lump at the edge of her breast, but refused to see a doctor about it. She told her family about it, but wouldn't act further. When we saw her last year, she had lost a significant amount of weight and had a grey pallor to her skin. About six months ago she turned to her local naturapath for help. This person referred her to get some initial bloodwork, and the results came back with a very high white blood count. The naturapath directed her to see a real doctor, as she believed it to be cancer. My SM has since seen several more doctors, all of whom have said the same thing. 

 My SM is now visiting with me and my family (husband and two little girls). She arrived three weeks ago and has not yet made plans to leave. I have talked to her several times about her condition and what we as a family can do for her. She insists that she does not have cancer, and that she must have some type of lymph node infection or an immune-related disease instead. She also says that if it is cancer, that she's going to treat it naturally with trace mineral supplements and topical alkaline paste that an accupuncturist has given her. 

 A few times, SM has walked around with her shirt literally falling off. She has gone from a size 18 a few years ago now to a size 0. Her hipbones and shoulderblades jut out. Her right breast looks like a sunked, blistering orange, all blistery with a deep hole and some liquid oozing from it. The orangey/peach splotches move out toward her arm and neck. She sleeps, although with difficulty, on and off through most of the day and night, intermittently getting up to spend time in the bathroom. She mainly eats raw or steam vegetables and quinoa. Sometimes she can handle soup. She rarely leaves the house except to take a walk in the yard because her energy is so low. She says she has a lot of breast pain as well as pain her her abdomen. She's also had significant memory lapses lately with her short-term memory.

Forum, I know that the right thing to do is support her in her decision. And that I think I'm OK with that. My concern is more about knowing what I'm in for. She and I were never close, and while I care about her, we don't have a lot of wiggle room at home with space, finances, etc. I have no idea how long she has. Nor do I know how long she intends to stay with me. She has other family in the state, and while she keeps talking about visiting them, she has yet to make plans. 

And if she does visit her other family, I also feel like I have a responsibility to tell them about her situation, so that they know what to expect. Am I wrong in this assumption? 

This has all come on so suddenly that I'm trying to make heads or tails out of it. Any advice would be much appreciated.

BarbaraA

Wow, that is so sad. If she is so debilitated now, I would think she would not have more than a couple months. I am so sorry for your situation. It is really difficult. Can't her naturapath urge her to go to a doctor? That would at least give you what the next steps will be. Good luck.

Racy

Obviously a difficult situation all round. A few thoughts:



Does she have a home?



I think it's reasonable for you to have a frank conversation with her and ask her intentions, explaining your family's difficulties in being able to continue to accommodate her, of course doing this in a kind way that will not offend her. Offer any help in moving on or with other things she might need.



What reason did she give for coming to visit you?



Regarding telling the other family, you should probably discuss this with your SM first. But it's probably a good idea for them to know if she is going to stay with them. In which case, I would contact them and tell them in confidence before she contacts them.



You can also offer to help, again, in linking her with medical care if she is open to it. You can ask how she intends to care for herself?



All this should be done with gentleness and helpful intent.



Also, if appropriate, involve hubby in the conversation for backup.



Other members may have different ideas.



Good luck with what you decide to do and let us know how it goes.

Racy

The difficulty is compounded if she is sleeping most of the time. If she can't or won't leave, you may need an 'intervention' to get her into palliative care either at her home or a medical facility.

Racy

Does your SM have a close 'next of kin' such as a sibling or natural child who may be able to help with an intervention or finding her somewhere else to stay?

peggy_pony

Wow, so many wonderful replies!

In response, my SM lives out of the country. She came to the states to visit with her former accupuncturist/naturopath. Then she decided to come visit me, under the auspices of taking a week to get "better" before moving on to visit her other family. She has no children--just her siblings, really. 

I do think that over the next few days, she and I will need to have a serious discussion about intentions and wishes. Also about resources. I don't have the space or ability to care for her more than the little that I am all day. My SO and I both work full time and we're raising two children. I think I'll talk with her family and find out what our options are, either in-house with one of us (not me!), in a supportive facility, or back at her home. 

With appreciative thanks.

Racy

Is your SM a US citizen? If not, would that make it hard for her to get medical care there? If she has a visa, how long is it for?



Good luck to you in achieving a workable and compassionate resolution.