Venting: She understands it won't be a fun visit...

MiniMacsMom

What are your family and friend boundaries.   I am on weekly taxol, #8 this week, post UMX, with an 18 month old.   In terms of SE, I am just now starting to hit my wall. This week was my first achy nausea week so far.  But I am tired, wayyyyy tired all the time and cranky and moody.  My 18 mo old doesn't always sleep through the night and when he does I feel like the steroids or something have made it harder to sleep . Poor Hubby, anyway.  So far family has been coming to help.  Do dishes, laundry, ect so things are easier.  I have my FIL and Aunt IL coming to visit in a few weeks.  THe FIL is going to work on house projects and the Aunt is going to help with the 18mo old and other chore type things.  Now my SIL wants to come the same weekend.  I had my hubby call (his sis) and she says she understands that it won't be a "fun weekend" but she wants to come visit.  I don't know what to do. She says that its the best weekend for them to come.  I am a cross between pissed off because I don't get anymore "best weekends" right now.  This is a right now thing too, they are on the computer looking at tickets to come in 2.5 weeks or so.  No previous mention of a visit until after they found out other fam would be here.  I am kinda of mad about it.  I feel like I am having a me me me me temper tantrum and I should just let them come but shit, having them here will be so tiresome.  I love her dearly, but guests wear me out... helpers are fine, but I don't think she understands.  I donno.. stupid chemo brain makes my thoughts run on endlessly. 

THanks for listening regardless. 

lovinmomma

I am sorry, but I understand where you are coming from. I just told people coming to visit that i was doing chemo and that I may spend the time they are here sleeping, so that I could get caught up. If she really wants to come, tell her you will have a list of stuff ready that they can do for you to really help you out. Maybe that will change her mind.

momof3boys

I think your husband tell her no, it's just too much for right now. If she puts up a fuss, he should tell her," I'm really sorry, but, it's not about you, right now, it's about my wife, and this isn't the best time for her".

diana50

i like what momof3boys said.  it is about YOU right now,..and you know inside what you can do and what you can't do.  this is all new to you and the treatment is rough when the chemo begins to accumulate.  i think people what to not abandon you....sometimes they need to be educated about how long treatment is....that this cancer business is a longterm commitment to treatment, dealing with the trauma of diagnosis...finding a comfortable place in the process and just plan accepting that you have cancer....your husband and kids also need some time. 

you can say No.  give yourself permission to say no and maybe another time.,  this isn't about love and relationship....this is about what you need and can do while in treatment.  maybe make a plan down the line.  this isn't a temper tantrum; it is how you feel. 

hang in there. rest.

PlantLover

I agree with momof3bboys that this should be about what you need right now.  You say you love her dearly so ... I'm guessing you have a good relationship with her.  If so, I would tell her exactly how you feel.  Simply call her and tell her how much it means to you that they want to come to help but that it's really not going to work coming at that time.  I'd tell her that I would love to have them come another time but that I would understand if that might end up being a long wait since they have already said this is the best weekend for them to come.

If you feel like all of that would be better coming from your husband to her, then do that.

Regardless of who talks to her, I would make it clear that it really wasn't up for debate, that you appreciate her love and look forward to seeing her another weekend.

MiniMacsMom

Ugh, I talked to the hubby and I got vetoed.  He thinks it will be fine and they understand that its not about having fun.  I however, remain un-convinced.  I am definately not a last minute person in general.  I am much more of a planner.  I know she wants to see us, but it just bothers me that its so spur of the moment and it wasn't really, is this ok thing... but more of we are looking at tickets right now to come visit.  Oh well, I don't really have much of a choice anymore.   I tried to set up a care calendar and I have a caring bridge site where I posted the times I would need the most help, but it didn't seem to take.  Thanks for listening, I wish my hubby was more assertive with his family.  He tends to be the calmer more PC person but sometimes he just lets things go to easy. 

dlb823

One thing I try to do now when I have conflicting feelings about things like this, is ask myself if my negativity is coming from my heart or my head -- and you can feel the difference if you pay attention.  If the negative reaction is in my head, then it's probably more inconvenience than anything.  Example:  Your first thought is about making beds and the meal prep.  Solution:  Tell them ahead of time, you are not up to making beds, extra laundry or cooking.  If they want to come, they'll need to pitch in and do this for themselves and for you.  But if that "oh, no" feeling is coming from your heart (and it's quite obvious when it is), well that's the time to say, "No, I'm sorry.  As much as I want to see you, it just isn't going to work for me right now," -- and know you'll have no regrets about your choice.  In fact, you will probably feel happy and empowered that you have put yourself first when this is what your heart was telling you.     Deanna

Nordy

I agree that this is about YOU right now. If your husband is adamant bout allowing them to come and this is completely stressing you out, you may have to be the one to put your foot down & just outright tell your sister in law that it is not going to happen. As much as the cancer may affect others in your home, the bottom line is that it is still about YOU. You are the one suffering the side affects of treatment. You are the one who worries about your future. You are the one that spends hours at the oncologist's office. Nobody can do any of that for you. And if YOU need to rest and not be stressed, then you should be allowed to do just that. My mother-in-law came twice while I was in treatment. My daughter was about 4 months and then 6 months old at the time. She created more work for me. I refer to her as a cat: always laying around waiting to be waited on. It was so stressful. After the second time, I told my husband I would rather be alone while he was working than have her there lounging. But that is her personality. My family comes to work & help out... His mom comes to relax & be waited on. You know your sister in law's personality... Which one is she? If she is a hard worker, and you can absolutely not get out of it, maybe it will end up okay. In themeantime - hugs to you.

fitzdc

I had to tell my mother not to come to help after my UMX.  We live in a house with stairs and my mom has had 4 knee replacements and I knew she would not be able to survive in my house - bathroom is upstairs, W/D in basement. She cried and told me her friends were making her feel guilty about not being here for me, but I knew that having her here would create more stress and be less help.I would be worried that she would fall and instead of me taking care of me I would be worried about her.  Do for you what creates less stress.

Now  I am getting better and stronger and flying to see her next week!

PlantLover

Wait a minute ... are you saying your husband is letting them come to visit after you told him that this is not what you want or need right now??

Wow!  Just wow!  That's really wrong to me. 

As for the SIL saying they are coming anyway ... How is it helping someone when the person you say you are trying to help has asked you to do something different yet you ignore that and do what you want.

I swear people never cease to amaze me!

Sorry, now I'm venting!  Hang in there!

LisaAlissa

I'm so sorry that you're about to have unwanted houseguests.   

Since your husband says it will be fine (they understand that you won't be able to be their hostess?), perhaps you should ask him if you should start a list (when you're up to it) of things you'd like to have done--so your SIL can pitch in.  Things like beating rugs, washing cars, cleaning closets, washing windows, meal prep AND clean-up, painting a detached garage (something far enough away from you that you won't smell it).  Big tasks...after all, the scheduled visitors are helping w/ the everyday tasks.  If your SIL will do those things (maybe) you'll end up happy she came. 

Be sure to send the list via e-mail a day or two before they're supposed to travel.  Who knows? Either they'll be ready to really help, or perhaps they'll decide not to come & apply the airfare to another (later) trip.

Just an idea (since they seem to be coming anyway).

LisaAlissa 

karen1956

mini...sorry you got vetoed.....and go ahead and have your temper tantrum all you want....it is about YOU and it will be till you are done treatment....if you SIL insists of coming then have a list of "TO DO" things for her to do that will help you......don't worry about entertaining...let your DH...or better yet, let your SIL entertain yourself....DO what you need to do to take care of yourself...nap when you need to...let people wait on you...let people cook for you, go to the grocery store....whatever you need.....

MiniMacsMom

Thanks guys.  The list idea is HUGE.  My mom is coming tomorrow and she is amazing.  I don't have to worry about a thing.  Its like crazy 1950's stepford wives.  I take a nap and when I wake up the house is clean, the baby is fed and happy and playing and she is painting my house or working on some other long term project.  Don't know how she does it, she puts me to shame   Anyway, she is going to help me make a project list for the SIL.  I love my SIL but in small doses.  I like to spend time with her, but with other people already being here, it just seems overwhelming.  My SIL is very caring, but sometimes a little self involved.  Granted we all get that way, but she is the baby princess in the family, so her moreso than some   Thanks for listening.  Its a great idea about the project lists and to inform everyone upfront that its a do-your-own laundry and meals situation.  I kind of took for granted my dad would know that when he visited last week   Big Hugs!  I feel much better now. 

momof3boys

Two thoughts: get a good book to read and periodically tell them you need to take a nap or rest, and this is what you can do while I rest.

Idea #2: you check into a posh hotel with room service for the weekend and have hubby entertain all the company and call you when they're gone!

kathleen1966

All my family lived elsewhere during my treatments. My parents, came for about two treatments.  Yes, they love me.  But having them here would leave me exhausted for days afterwards and the house would be a complete disaster every time they left.  I also had the worst side effects when they where here (the only two times I became horribly constipated was when they came). Though they are not that old, my mother is not in the best of shape and my father needs constant mothering from my mother.  However, I really feel is it hard if not impossible to tell people NOT to come.  I think it is part of the "horrible" aspect of treatment.  My best friend from childhood who also lives in another state really wanted to come after I had my surgery.  And that would have been fine.  But she would have brought her husband, who I barely know and her two young children.  I like kids, but didn't want any extra around after surgery.  I told her not to come, that I was not in any position to FEEL I needed to entertain (even though she insisted I didn't NEED to entertain)...the thought of extra kids needing to be disciplined (even if they are perfect) was just too much for me.  I think she should have come on her own. But she didn't.  I just told her no. It sounds as if having this person is going to be too much for you.  But it also seems you have no choice.  I understand. The only advice I will give you is to make sure you sit around and really do nothing.  Don't clean, don't cook...do nothing. Get magazines....books and hide out in your bedroom to avoid all stress (if only we could do this when we're not getting chemo when unwelcome visitors make a call)  Make sure you are sitting and reading and relaxing. The visit will be over before you know it....and please let your husband take care of all the details regarding the visit.  You need to take care of yourself right now.  Good luck!

NatsFan

If they're insisting on coming to see someone during chemotherapy, then let them see what chemo is like.  I had a friend who insisted on coming, so I thought - let her see. I did NOT wear any head covering, earrings, or makeup; I wore slouchy comfy sweats; I was not chipper or cheerful; I talked openly about constipation, mouth sores and other lovely s/e I was experiencing; the house was NOT tidy; I did not prepare the guest room, I did not cook, clean or otherwise lift a finger; and I napped and rested a lot.  Basically I did exactly what I would have done had she not visited.  She got the message and cut her visit short.  We're still friends today, and she said later she never realized what chemo was like for someone till she came to visit.  My guess is that she'll never visit a sick friend against that friend's wishes again.   

Outfield

Wow, this seems really wrong to me.  

I had a terrible time with chemo, and had to void a visit from my MIL and step-FIL (he is a heavily smoking alcoholic).  MIL was somewhat hurt but I think she got over it.  It was explained to her that it wasn't time for a "visit" - anybody coming to see us was working very hard (my kids were 2 and not quite 3-1/2 when I was diagnosed), we already had people set to come then, and more people was going to be more stress, not more helpful.

I agree with NatsFan.  Don't hide anything.  It shouldn't seem vindictive but maybe SIL will learn something. 

Leah_S

MiniMacsMom, here's what you say:

"Gosh, SIL, I'm glad you're able to come to help. I'm not able to entertain, I'm sure you'll understand. The linen closet is down the hall so you can just take stuff from there to make your bed tonight. Hmmm, if there aren't clean sheets the washing machine and the dryer are in the basement. I know you won't mind making your own meals. Would you please bring some in for me? Oh, and here's the list of things I'll need you to do while you're here - thanks so much for volunteering!  I'm sorry I'll hardly see you when you're here but I need to sleep during the day. The SEs of (X) and (Y) just knock me out. And then there's the SEs of (Z) which I agree is pretty gross. It's so nice of you to come all this way to help take care of me and my family and I hope the next time you visit it can be a normal fun time. I don't think that will be for quite a few months, though."

I wouldn't be too hard on your DH. He's probably never said "no" to his baby sister in his life. Also, this whole thing can be extremely hard on our DHs - not only physically but also emotionally. He might want his sister to come because he needs a visit from her and doesn't see it as being difficult for you.

Best if luck.

Leah

myrtle1

I had 12 weekly Taxol treatments after 4 bi-weekly AC. The fatigue is beyond description. It's so much more than being "tired" and only those who have been there really get what it's like. Tough situation though.....if she does end up coming to visit, just do what you would be doing if you had no visitors. Sleep & do nothing but be horizontal whenever you feel the need. You are not entertaining in any way, shape or form. Do whatever you feel like doing when you want to do it. Hang in there, I started my very aggressive chemo/radiation regime 3 years ago next week. Can not believe it's that far behind me now. You will be done soon! Be well.....