Why does this hurt so bad?

NeedtobeSTRONG

I have been doing so good mentally lately.....and then BAM I am crying all day long.. I am so unhappy and so scared.  I want to live my life and smile again. I feel like it will never happen. I feel like I have this dark cloud looming over my head that just will not leave.  So frightened to let myself be happy again.  Why does this have to happen to any of us?  I talk to my family about this but they just do not get it.  I know they mean well but they just say the wrong things...

Thanks for letting me vent!

november

Needtobestrong-Don't despair; these feelings are normal; allow yourself to experience them; it is not a sign of weakness.You will get through this and with time will experience peace and happiness again. Hang in there

LittleFlower

NeedtobeStrong:  I hear what you're saying!  Life is certainly different after a diagnosis of bc.  It doesn't always suck, but some days do.  It'll eventually get to the point where not everyday is sad or scary.  I don't know what stage of treatment you're in, but you should accept help if you need it.  When you say you're so scared and unhappy, if therapy or antidepressants or both might help, it's ok.  Be kind to yourself sister, because as time marches on, you have MANY good days in store for you.  (HUGS)

Celtic_Spirit

I see that you were diagnosed only a few months ago. This is one of the hardest times. Things do get better, and you will smile again. Have faith, and keep slugging your way through this. There's no where else to go but forward. If you feel overwhelmed, ask your doctor for some xanax. It did wonders for me...kept me from obsessing, panicing, and being depressed. There's no shame in needing a little help.

ALittleBitBritish

NeedtobeStrong,

Cry as much as you need, but make time for you to find enjoyment and a break from BC.

Try to get out of the home and do something, go somewhere, grab a coffee with a friend. It can be so all consuming....be kind to yourself. Treat yourself in some way if possible, you deserve time to heal physically and mentally.

Do you have a counsellor or someone to talk to? Or a support group? You need to vent and hearing others vent helps too! 

You always can vent here as much as you like!!

Ali 

panamajayne

NeedtobeSTRONG,  we all know about those dark clouds, they come & go and in between there are sunny skies and bright stars.  Anti depressants really help & yes we all dislike having to take them but then are so glad they are available for us.  Sometimes families are the hardest to talk to about this because they are scared too.  

I don't just believe in miracles

I depend on them 

Hugs, panamajayne  from Atlanta

 

pupfoster1

(((Awwww))),

Man we get it here.  NO ONE but someone who's been through this totally gets it, albeit as well meaning as they do.  It's OK to feel bad, curse the disease, do what you need to do to get it out.  It DOES get better, but with LOTS of time.  And even me being over 2 years out I still find myself getting in to those dark places at times.  I have said before I feel like I have PTSD.  And I FINALLY found a good therapist who is picking it all apart and helping me cope and make sense of it all.

Hang in there, and we'll be here for you!

Sharon

MaxineO

It sucks, doesn't it? But even if you find it hard to believe, it DOES get better.  I still get mad sometimes that I can't go back to my blissful ignorance, but I am adjusting to my new life with a BC diagnosis. I still have hard days with tears and depression, but they are fewer.  And you are absolutely right, NO ONE gets it except those who have been through it or who are going through it.

 Vent to us. That's what we are here for.  Sending you hugs and good thoughts.  I hope tomorrow is better.

clariceak

When we are first dxed,  I think we go into a state of shock which helps us go through the motions of finding an onc, going through surgery and starting treatment.  Only later, does the full emotional impact of a cancer dx set in.  Unfortuately this happen while we are taking steriods, one of the most horrible (and helpful) drugs around.

It will make you cranky and moody.  It took me to a very dark place while I was on AC where it was difficult to find any hope in my situation, which is not my usual outlook.  I did express my concerns to my onc and was able to lower my dosage.  I also "missed" a few doses.   I think of it as a dementor drug.

You did the right thing by coming here to express your fears.  The Stage III board was my lifeline. Many of us had young children when we were dxed and I know that makes your situation especially frightening.  It will get better.  Also anti-anxiety meds can help during this time.  While I was on steroids, I felt like the cancer radio was on full blast all day long! Meds helped lower the volume.

Bugs

I remember totally breaking down at the onc's office over something very silly (I think they called me in late or something, hehe).  Sobbing my little boogery heart out.  My onc nurse just patted my back and said "yep, you are right on track". I guess it's normal or something  

How do you deal with the dark cloud?  You will get there, I promise!!  I'm almost 6 years out and the dark cloud still drops by.  But..it goes away faster. 

msphil

Hello sweetie, trust me we know exactly how you feel, I said those same words years ago and it is Normal and you should cry and get that All out, but I,m here to let you know it does get better, I know because I am now a 18 yr (SURVIVOR)Praise the LORD!!!!! and I,m here often to Inspire ladies like you, so cry and feel down for awhile and then get set to be Positive  and ALWAYS have HOPE, with Faith, my higher being is GOD ALMIGHTY, and then you will see things DO get better.  HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!msphil  (idc,stage 2, 3 nodes involved,L mast, chemo and rads and 5 yrs on Tamoxifen)  But HOPE is the key.God Bless.  

NeedtobeSTRONG

Thank you SO MUCH everyone.  I know i am not alone when I come to this board and it helps so much.  I think the hardest part is that for the last 3 years my husband and I have been working so hard to be in a better place financially ect.  We were supposed to be house hunting once i finished nursing school and got my RN license.  But, we are still living with my inlaws (which right now helps out a lot even if i will not admit it to my husband lol) and I am not working and it is difficult to hear of all of my school friends getting jobs and moving foward. 

I did have a really nice weekend and we are planning a Disney vacation with the WHOLE family (my sister her kids, sister-in-law her kids and my parents and husbands parent) for October when Treatment will all be finished. (herceptin)  So as it wasnice to be planning something to look foward to in the future. 

Thank you again!

NeedtobeSTRONG

I had such a great weekend. As, I sat here on my labtop last night checking the boards I thought tomyself that I did not think about y diagnosis for almost the whole day for the 1st time had such a great day today with mt 2 little ones and my nieces and hubby.  I SMILED, I LAUGHED, I even enjoyed an ICE CREAM (WAS SO SO GOOD).  Life does start to feel normal at times. 

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.  But, I have had many many difficult times in my life.  I was driving home from my  great day with a big smile talking to my new best friend God.  I thanked him for my WONDERFUL DAY and THANKED him for making me a strong Woman who knows I will beat this.  I have always always faced my fears by coming out on top and I will not let this be any different. 

I Thank ALL of you ladies for being so supportive.  I know I will always have my lows, we all will.  But I am starting to realize I have my life NOW.  Even though it is SOOOO  FREAKING CRAZY at the moment. I have it.  I was able to see my 7 year old So utterly joyed when she read an entire book "ALL BY HERSELF"  and my four year old tell me that she does not need to wear pull ups to bed any  more because she is " AN Independent  Woman"  (so funny and can not even make that one up). 

Everyone on this board is an AMAZING PERSON and so helpful.  Thank you!  I am Proud to say I am part of this group that noone wants to be a part of.   

sespebadger

Hi Needtobestrong,

 I'm glad to hear about your wonderful day with your family. You are learning something so important: to appreciate all the good things around you, even while you are going through very difficult treatment. I've been there, and I will never forget, although with time I think about that worst year of my life less and less. I'm just more than 2 years out from diagnosis. 

Keep taking good care of yourself the best you can. I watched movies A LOT and got together with friends when I wasn't feeling too tired (which was a lot). Chemo was HARD. Surgery was HARD. Radiation was HARD. But the sun kept coming up and good things did happen all around me. 

I second what others have said here.....talk to your oncologist about how you are feeling. I took one Ativan (it's for anxiety) every night at bedtime. It really helped a lot. Getting a good night's sleep made a world of difference. It helped turn off that very scared part of my brain that worried about the cancer. I took one low dose Ativan each night for about 8 months and then stopped. I stopped when I got good test results after chemo and surgery. And I want to let you know that the day will come....maybe not for a while....when you won't think about cancer every day. Now when I think about cancer it is in a much more detached way. I'll never forget I had it, but I no longer worry about it. And I was Stage 3 Grade 3, like you. I truly believe the treatments did their job.

Good luck to you as you go through treatment. It's very tough, but it can be done.And don't worry if you have "those days" when it seems overwhelming. It is overwhelming!! but hopefully the next day you will feel better.

 

lkc

so glad to read you had soem good ( precious moments ) with your little ones.

All your emotions are totally normal. I call it post traumatic BC stress syndrome.

Honey. It will get better with time. Everything will fall into place as it should

Wishing you more happy days.

Anonymous

Hi NeedtobeStrong  I'm glad you have been having some better days.  I, myself had gotten into that dark place many times during this experience.  Sometimes it's related to SE's , Pain, or life circumstances combined with the BC issues.  Coming here helps.  There are days when I just have to take an Ativan, though.  Hang in there sista.

Barb

fredntan

nothing new to add here.

but just think of what a better nurse this will make you. nothing like having a nurse that has been there done that. your friends in nursing school may be moving on. but your going to have compassion that was earned. 

jennifer1

Understand completely what you are feeling.  Seems like I have a few more brighter days than a year ago but the bc is still in my head.  My family totally wont listen and I am really glad, they need to have their lives so I come to the boards alot.  I will most likely survive this but omg the cost has been dear.  I have two shrinks, onco, med doctor.  My shrink just went through bc with her mil who had the same thing I did.  My med doctor went through this with her mother a couple of years ago and everyone is fine.  My med doc and onco are upbeat.  You get it, we fix it and you move on.   I am old school and the word cancer inspires fear so perhaps that is where the problem is.  I have been reading about all the new vaccines and of course I sent in an email to advise them I am interested and ready.  Oops havent heard anything back yet.  Told them I would travel.   If they contact me I will let everyone know however lets dont hold our breath.

thankful4life

I'm glad I saw this thread again today. It has been a down day for me. But the good thing is that the down days don't happen as often any more. It is so great to be able to read remarks from people who have "been there, done that." No one else can really understand.



Hoping for more good days or all of us!

NeedtobeSTRONG

So we did it!  We booked Disney for October!  I am so excited!  Sitting here feeling miserable from my 5th TCH but with a smile knowing I have something so fun and wonderful to look foward to.  Funny thing is we will be there for the 1 year anniversaryof my BMX.  Did not even realize it untill my MIL pointed it out. 

My husband and I decided that we are not going to tell the girls untill that morning when we get picked up for the airport!  WOO.HOO.. they so deserve this Vacation after we get through this. 

On a side note this last round kicked my butt....lol  so tired even still today but I just keep saying Ithink I canI think I can I think I can.... only one more Chemo left!!!  then onto Rads and the Herceptin for the year.  Hopefully will not be as bad as the TC.... 

Thank you everyone for always listening!  It helps to know you have so much support from others who really get it.