What did I do wrong??

Trebor001

2011 was a dreadful year for my beautiful wife. Phenomia in Jan, diagnosed with BC in March, Single breast masectomy, dose dense treatment that knocked her around so very hard. Shingles across her chets, infection, under-active thyroid, it goes on. She had one hell of a tough year.

When she was diagnosed, she suffered terribly from the fear. Her carers did say that she was on the extreme end of the scale for being scared, paraniod and every concern thrown into the equation. Not diagnosed with depression, but appeared to be very close to the mark.

All the way through, I was there to take her to her appointments, care for the kids, try to listen as best I could (I admit that I did not have all the answers), tell her how beautiful she is (and she is), tell her that she is more than just a breast - she is a person. Everything that I could think of within my power. And manage to hold down a professional role at the same time (work was very flexible with me).

Chemo finished in Aug. Mid Nov beautiful wife wanted to do a few basic renovations at home. What was to take one week, took five. (fortunately not with the price tag)

The renovations tested my patience as it affected where we lived. My wife and I were "niggly" toward one another. She knew that it was as a result of the renos, and managed it far better than I did.

Mid Dec she had a hormone check up as she was suffering from hot flushes. She was perscribed Venlafaxine that was to help with the hot flushes (also is an anti-depresant) She has refused to touch them.

Just before Xmas, we had a major arguement. She left for the night, returned the next day and said that everything was over. She didnt want to be married to me any more and wanted me to move out of the house.

For the next three weeks I have endured constant verbal attacks. So much hate and venom aimed at me. Every possible thing that she can think of to hurt me, she has thrown at me.

The last ten days she hasnt been sleeping at our home. She has been sleeping at the home of the guy who helped with the renos. She comes home during the day, abuses me, saying that I am violent and abuse her and the kids (physically and mentally). I have had to go to court to get a violent restraining order against the guy she is staying with.

Not once has she turned to her close group of friends / supporters for help, advice. They havent seen her for weeks (before Xmas).

I am shell shocked, still trying to work out what I have done. I am so hopoing that permanent damage has not been done.

I am positive that she is depressed and wont recognise it. I have reached out to her friends, her GP, her phsyc etc. She wont talk with her friends or her medical supporters. Only her new "handyman" friend.

I am totally lost. Is this unique, did I not do enough, is this built up anger from the BC??? I still love her and want to help. But she wont let me.

bgail84

I am so sorry to hear of your problems! Please know that this is an extreme response. Did your wife get counseling? The BC may have been the trigger; the issues may have always been there. You must focus on yourself and your children.Seek out support. Talk to the cancer center for support for spouses. Sometime, we simply cannot help the ones we love. Hopefully she will come aroung. Will be thinking of you.

chrissyb

Trebor, I understand your pain with all that has happened and continues to happen. There is nothing you did wrong as you state it above but your dear wife is going through something that you cannot fix no matter how hard you try.  Bc not only puts a huge strain on the body because of the drugs used but also on the emotions and the psyche of the person dealing with it and there are emotions that do not come forward until after all the treatment is finished.  It is unfortunate that your wife is turning to another to get the comfort she feels she needs but other than saying hang in there I think you both need professional help on this matter.  I know you want to help her but unless she lets you, there is nothing you can do for her.  Please, even if she won't go for professional help with you,you at least can and should for your own peace of mind and understanding.

Keep in mind, you did do enough but everyones reaction to BC is different just as the journey we take is different and yes she will be very angry and that emotion is just one part of it.  Women go through a grief with BC, loss of self, loss of control of self, loss of body image and the feeling of loss of our femininity and the fear that any diagnosis of cancer brings with it.  Any grief has to be worked through and some do it better than others but it all takes time.  I do hope she eventually recognises the fact that she needs to get professional help and gets it, wether it will give you a chance to prove to her that you want her no matter what is another question and one that I cannot answer.

Please, find the professional help you need as soon as possible.  Perhaps someone who deals with cancer and the consequenses of it.  Maybe there is a councilor available at the facility where your wife was treated or maybe they can recommend someone.  I wish you all the luck in the world and I do hope you can get some answers and peace soon.

Love n hugs.  Chrissy

barbe1958

It sounds to me like the handyman bonded with her and perhaps said things that made her feel special. That turned her against you for some reason and she prefers his company right now. Will she get over it? Who knows? What do her parents think of the whole thing? It could even be as simple as a "mid-life" crisis with so much happening so fast, and the handyman being there so conveniently......

Chickadee

Personally I suspect she might have been having issues with her life choices before her diagnosis.  After treatment she tried to keep busy with renovations but still hasn't confronted her own unhappiness with life.  The handyman is a diversion because she still isn't dealing with her unhappiness whatever the cause may be.

If she won't come to the table of counseling and get real about what is going on, then of course you must for the sake of your children.  I would forbid her to come to the home anymore unless she is ready to get some serious counseling.  She moved out, she needs to deal with that reality and stop bouncing back and forth.  If that needs to be legally written so be it.  A lawyer's advice is just as important as a counselor at this point.

She needs a bucket of cold water thrown on the games she is playing with her children and you.

I'm sorry you have been dragged into this emotional maelstrom but now you have to be the strong one for the children.  They need some stability brought back into the picture while "mom" is trying to figure out her life.

dlb823

Wow, it sounds like you're dealing with a real mess right now.  In addition to the excellent advice you've already gotten, I would just suggest letting go in terms of your actions and reactions as much as you possibly can.  Try to distance yourself just a bit from her, even if you have to fake it. I think there's a lot of truth in the saying, "If you love someone let them go, and if they love you, they'll come back to you..."  And I don't think any of us ever grows too old (bc or not) to sometimes be attracted to what we can't easily have -- more than what's smothering us.  So since she's indicated a desire to move on, perhaps rather than continuing to try to hold on so tightly, you might get more of a response from her if you display a willingness to let her go and move on -- at least for now.  

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.  It doesn't sound like any of it's your fault.  I think what she's doing was spurred by the mortality wake up call we all get from a bc dx, but most marriages of any duration have their ups and downs, and hopefully this is just a down period that she'll eventually get beyond.  (((Hugs)))   Deanna

Trebor001

Thank you so much for your feedback. My immediate concern is the children and keeping them safe.

Chickadee, you raise an interesting point I didnt consider. And answers babre1958... She has major problems with her mother. So much so that the two do not talk. There has been a great deal of disappointment, frustration and anger (just to mention a few) toward her mother. A very long winded letter was sent after treatment outlining all the worngs that have occured over the years. Very sad. Prior to Xmas, she was not invited to a Xmas event held by her aunt, whilst her brother was.

Thanks chrissyb. I have been turning to professionals to try to help my wife. They continue to say that they cant assist unless she reaches out. They have been wonderful to me and have expressed a desire to help me where and whenever possible (there is such a wonderful support network out there)

dlb823, that is my next step, taking the step back. I get blasted for everything that I have tried to do thus far. So, step back and see how far she will go before she turns the car around (if she doesnt crash first).

Thank you so very much. I really mean it, thank you.

Jodycat

Builders can be very attractive; they share our concerns and try to help.



Trebor, I obviously have little understanding here, but i'd try to get as far away from this now as you can. It all sounds just awful, and nothing you can do helps, it seems.



I'd get some treatment for the children, see if friends or relatives can introduce some fun in there lives. You really can't predict what's going to happen, but I sure wouldn't wait around any more.

flannelette

Your wife reacted to her dx by being on the exteme end of fear, paranoia. she has huge unresolved issues with her mother. she abuses you verbally for 3 weeks saying you are abusive. she hooks up with the renovator and abruptly says it's over between you and her,

She won't take her meds. Has your wife by any chance seen a psychiatrist? Because her rage and erratic and extreme behaviour seem to indicatte she's had real issues with unhappiness for a long time. she also insisted on spending extravagantly for the reno, then hooked up with the reno man? I'm sorry, but, to me, because I live with a bipolar person and he has been every one of these things in the past (before me) and once with me during a manic episode. A trauma such as surgery, or breast cancer, can, and does, instigate mania in a bipolar person. My sweet partner had a gastric bypass a few years ago and within 3 months was catapulted into mania - 2 shrinks told me a surgery can be the catalyst.

Biploar people can have: major depression, anxiety, paranoia, fear that just runs away, inappropriate sexual conduct, are abusive, spend heaps of money, and can suddenly announce that are leaving, get up, and walk out the door. they usually also have massive unresolved issues with people like their parents, and their buttons get pushed like lightning.

I'm no psychiatrist but tis might be a possible explanation for her horrific behaviour.

All the best - it sounds very, very nasty and I very much hope she will consent to see a psychiatrist soon. 

ps bipolar is easily (well, not so easy if they won't take them) treated with meds, under a psychiatrist's care, though a good doctor can start the process with a mood stabilizer till you find a psych for ongoing care

Kaara

Sometimes when people go through a trauma and come out on the other side, they begin to think "Is this all there is?  I almost died, and now I want to live my life like there's no tomorrow".  You have two choices..stand by and hope she comes to her senses with counseling and help, or if she doesn't want any part of that...move on and live your life, because you can't help her.  It's sad reality.  Sorry you're having to go through this, but if you were as supportive as you say you were, then you didn't cause her to become this way, so don't beat up on yourself.  You deserve a life too.

thefuzzylemon

TreBor ... wow.  This is terrible.  I cannot assume to understand what is happening to you, or her.  So, instead, I'd like to ask you what do you want...permanent damage is going to be up to you...for me, that would have already happened in this situation...it would be over and I would move onto recovering from the pain.

So, let's say your answer is ... you want your wife back.  You want her to stop treating you so bad.  You want her to be a mother.  Now, if you look at those, what do you have control over?  Is what you want realistic?  What would you be willing to sacrafice to make that happen?  Is it worth it ... of course, you will need to be able to separate the anger and saddeness that you have to be able to answer these questions honestly and from a place that does not interfere with the truth.

You have done great things for this woman.  You have done great things for your children.  You should not regret the love you gave to her during her horrible year.  You did that because that is your foundation...the bed she has made is hers and hers alone.  The future you create for you and the kids is yours....wide open...wallowing in her decision/mistake/selfishness will only make the negative emotions worse and control your life...

Treatments suck...I know I have changed because of the past year...but principles do not change.  I agree with the post earlier that something may have been there before cancer.  You have to decide what you want, how you will get what you want, and what you are willing to do...I know if it were me....I would want to be able to move past this and create my life that includes someone who loves me and cares for me...who knows...maybe she'd snap out of it on her own...but I wouldn't wait for that because I cannot influence her...I can only work with me...

((((hugs)))) and I am so sorry for what you and your children are going through.