Hit by a Truck

scoutm3mg

January 12th 2012 my wife was diagnosed with a tubular carcinoma in her left breast. It hit me like a truck. the 13th we went to see a surgeon. again that same same truck made a few left turns came up the street and hit me again. We are now 4 days into this and I can not even think straight. A whole new language is spoken and written. I feel so ignorant. So we were sitting there and getting our appointments the 3rd of February is Pre-Op, 6th nuclear medicine, the 7th a guide wire needle byopsy of her right breast for the lump there which is huge( fear just grip me and brings me to tears) then a long day of surgery.

I am a soldier and have deployed many times and know who the enemy is. I had an idea who the enemy was and what to do. I have seen blood and death and had to make difficult decisions that affected the lives of those around me. I have seen bodies blown up and shot and soldiers and enemies in pain and dead. The night mares keep me up at night. But nothing I have ever seen there prepared me for this.

This is my wife. Mt lovely beautiful wonderful loving compassionate great wife. i can hardly stand to see her in pain. I have night mares of being with out her. of being alone. of seeing her in pain. It put that lump in my throat; the on one you get right before you break down and cry that big wailing cry.

Right now we are trying to spend time together doing stuff we enjoy together, looking at puppies, running errands, grocery shopping, cleaning house, and watching tv. We are just hanging out until the days change. ( is that right?) I love on her. I tell we will get thru this ordeal together( Am I in the ball park)

I am debating about whether or not to go see a lawyer about getting her will done. ( any Thoughts) She has wanted to do this because we are a blended family and her son is grown with a family of his own and she want him to have a few things. She does not want her estate to be taken by the state (again any thought) She wants a living will. She does not want extaordinary mearsures used to keep her alive. no machines no constantly being resucitated(sp?) She has expressed that to me but should we go and get a legal document stating that ( Any thoughts)

I know in the circle of friends that I have right now I am alone. Thier solution is to be quiet and not to talk to me. my guess is they do not know what to say. I am not not real sure what ia m looking for right now. Maybe just a place to air this out to people who are there now or have been there and understand and have the ability to help and give sensible advise. Maybe just to read these words and they strike that chord that says I remember that day when I did not understand the lingowas so new to this. Thank you for time. Thank you for your website and forum.

NJvictoria

Hi Scout,

My whole family got hit by that same truck in December 2010. My surgery was January 20, 2011, but up until that time and when you finally get the pathology results, everyone's life is in a kind of limbo. 

My husband was a jet pilot in the Navy and I know that military personnel are very good at compartmentalizing things, him included. He is the type of guy who doesn't worry until there is something to worry about. However, I'm not like that. My life was put on hold until the pathology report. 

I don't how religious you are, but prayers certainly help. Continue to live your life. Look at puppies, run errands, spend time together, go to movies, all those things that you always have been doing together. 

It is a terrible club to belong to, but she will get through this. I pray that her surgery will go smoothly and that her prognosis will be wonderful!

I was so blessed that I did not need chemotherapy or radiation. I chose a bi-lateral mastectomy even though a lumpectomy would probably have been enough. I never wanted to deal with this "beast" again. I also chose no reconstruction because I felt that my "boob" had done their job in the breast feeding of our two daughters. I was never that attached to them Everyone deals with the choices they make in their own way. The best thing you can do for your wife is to be supportive of her decisions. They are life changing.

My best to you and your wife and we're all here for you.

Vikki

barbe1958

Scout, you have already done the easy things together (puppies and movies) and if it was her that brought up the wills, that will help her keep her mind at ease, do it. If it was you that brought it up and she hasn't continued the conversation, don't talk about it again until she does. She will be thinking about dying on and off, so make sure you talk about it only when she brings it up as she might be in a good place and then you bring her down with talk of death. It is normal to talk about it, by the way.

You ARE in the ballpark when you say you can go through this together, BUT it is her journey and you cannot run it! Let her laugh at the wrong times and cry over supper if she wants. Hold her and love her and let it all happen under her rhythm. You cannot fix it. You cannot even make it feel better! Surprise! This is life and death. She is now at war. Yes, you were too, but her war is like chemical warfare and she has a different general. You obeyed yours, she must obey hers. Stand beside her, watch her fight the fight of her life, and just BE there.

Good luck, sweetie! We are all here for you both.

changes

Hi Scout,

I'm sorry you and your wife are going through this. You're in the early stages of treatment, and this is the most frightening phase. Once you all have a clear treatment plan in place, it becomes a little less scary. Take it one step at a time. There is usually a lot of information being offered, and it does initially feel like everyone's speaking a different language. This site has tons of information that may help you understand better what the doctors are telling you. It sounds like you have been through a lot. Be sure to take care of yourself, too.

It's always a good idea for us to have wills and living wills in place, even when you don't have cancer.

Please don't assume the worst about the outcome. There are many women on this site who had cancer years ago and are doing fine now.

Karen

TexasKaren

Scout:  The ladies above are right: Take it a day at a time.  You can't change the past, and worrying about the future never helps; the future takes care of itself, and not usually like we think it will !  We are all living with cancer, and most of us, thank God, are living well.  There are many treatments, and "Cancer" is NOT an immediate death sentence now days.   I admit I would be more worried about you in a deployment being harmed/injured/killed than I would your wife at this point. And, I thank you for your service and your courage for our country, and it will help you through this.

We've all faced the terror, the confusion, the agony of "what if", but if you keep communication open between the two of you, and if you find someone, even us here on these boards (and, yes, there are many husbands here who are going through this with you !!) you will find great HOPE, COMFORT and information to help you both in this fight.  Guess what?  She has just become a WARRIOR too !!! 

ali68

Hi Scott, I know you think your world has come to an end but it hasn't. You are in over drive thinking the worse, give yourself a month and things will be clearer and more settled. It sounds like your wife has a very good chance better than most, I would say the early stage of breast cancer. Doom and gloom doesn't help anyone so do happy things together and stop thinking of the worse. I started my first chemo last friday and it gave me strength seeing everyone going through the same, being jolly and having a laugh. Good luck to you and your wife, both of you will be fine.



Alison

scoutm3mg

I do so very much appreciate the posts. I let her feel what she feels when she feels it. She brings things up at the oddests times. I know in my head that this is not a death sentence. I also know that this is so much more than I ever really thought about. I go over this in my head and think it thru and realize that God does not give us more than we can handle. He will give us strength. as we go thru this. I try to convince her that her health is the first priority. She is set to run a marathon in April in Nashville and and another in late Marchin Charleston. Her mother is being awarded the Woman of the Year in her community 12 days after her first surgery. I want to be positive and tell her she can be able to do those but I am not sure right now. In meeting with the doctor his advice was that when we come back on the 15th for our post-op we will discuss radiation treatment and the pathology of the byopsy of the right breast and another surgery. So I am attemting to keep things in perspective in my own mind and at the same time allowing her the ability dream about what she will do in the future months.

Blessings2011

Scout - God bless you for being the caring husband you are.

It's only natural in the beginning to fear the worst.......and it's always smart to be prepared. Everyone should have an Advanced Directive and a will, especially when there are kids involved. This isn't morbid at all - it's a gift you give to your family to take the burden off them when the time comes....hopefully, when you are 99 or 100 years old...

All the things that you have become an expert in military-wise? You're in a new country now: new lingo, new customs, new directions. You and your wife will navigate it together.

Four months ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. My husband told me we were a team, fighting a common enemy. Six weeks ago, I had a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction.

My team member has been by my side through all of it. He comforts me when I cry, he laughs with me when I laugh. He anticipates what I need, but backs off when I need to be independent. He tells me he loves me, he's there at every doctor's appointment, he's learning the new lingo, he's become my biggest advocate.

One thing I told him in the beginning: I would do everything in my power to get healthy, but I couldn't be his comforter. We have a strong faith, and pray regularly. Our family, friends, and church family pray for us. He has men's groups where he attends and shares his concerns.

Not every man has a wife going through breast cancer, but every man has had some experience with a loved one in trouble, and he is helpless to fix it. You say your friends are the silent type...is there perhaps a military chaplain with whom you might meet just to vent and talk it out? You need support too, and you are always welcome here with open arms.

Try not to worry too much about the future. Fixating on what *might* happen will only rob you of the joys you could experience today.

ALittleBitBritish

Scout,

Welcome! You are not alone. You have come to a great supportive site where we all help each other. 

Also, if you want to talk to someone (so helpful!!!) I used the 'Y-Me' website Helpline - it has a free confidential telephone service offered 24/7. They can arrange for a husband / spouse match, somene who has been in the same situation as you, to talk to you by phone.

I called this helpline myself at 2am, 4am etc etc, especially when I couldn't sleep, they are all trained volunteers who are survivors who answer the phones. I asked for a cancer match and spoke to ladies who had the exact same diagnosis. I am a military spouse. 

I also bought a book on cancer, because it is a LOT to learn. I got Dr Susan Love's Book, you don't need to read it all, but it has great information. I wanted to become an expert in my cancer asap.

Get copies of test reports, start a binder, organize it, record medical appt meetings or have one of you take notes. I had a million questions....

Don't let it consume you both - plan fun things, you need to not live & breath it 24/7 - which is hard at the beginning. This is going to be a journey, take one step at a time. Ask questions..

Take care - you can get through this!

Ali 

lovehertons

Hi Scout and welcome with sadness to this site.

Your right it feels like you were hit by a truck.  Take a deep breath, it helps.  This site will give you a lot of valuable info.  If you are like me, it really isn't very comfortable not being the one able to fix you wife's problems.  So I thought I would give you a few ideas on how you can help.

One, do research.  Stay on task and research what the Drs are telling you and not worse case scenarios.  Get the lab reports, they should always give you a copy.  This way you have a reference to go back to.  We keep a three ring notebook with dividers to seperate appointments, labs, drug references, and bills.  BTW, I avoid doing research at night as it only winds my head up and it's hard enough to sleep. 

Two, keep a notepad close.  When you have a question concerning your wifes health, write it down so that you have it ready for the Office visits.  I also keep all phone numbers in it and try to write down who I talked to(i.e. nurse) so that I can refer to it later.

Three, communicate with your insurance agent.  They will often be your best representative in your dealings with the Hospital. (they can be your worst as well).   BC/BS even has a patient rep that will deal solely with your case.  They help watch for doubles and the what not, such as what is covered, etc.

Four, the others are right.  You may want to over communicate your thoughts.  I wait until Di is ready before I open up.  She is pretty stoic and tries to shove it to the back, but it does come out and then I am ready.  Also, don't be afraid to admit weakness once in awhile.  I truly believe that Di sometimes feels better when she can help me get over one of my weak moments. 

Five, be ready to be her advocate.  Often, Di knows a considerable amount less than I do about what's coming up next.  She is concerned about the procedure and most likely anxious about what's coming.  Make sure the medical profession is staying up on things.  They get busy and don't always remember things like a warm blanket, water, etc.  Your wife is most comfortable with you and doesn't want to put anybody out I would bet, to hell with that get the warm blanket I say.  Di had chemo last week and the nurses didn't know about a trick to eleviate a Side effect/ you will because of this website and you will make sure that it gets done, right.

Six, I have never lied to Di.  When she had a mastectomy, I never said that it didn't effect me.  I didn't like it but it didn't repulse me and that is what I said.  You are her rock and she must always know that she can trust you. 

Seven, keep living.  Keep your plans, make more.  My wife and are building are dream home this summer even as we have moved on to a very tough diagnosis. 

These are some of the things that helped me get a bit of control of the situation.  It keeps me busy and my mind off the crap.  I hope some of these will help. 

You sound like a truly loving husband.  Get ready, get to bed, eat and stay strong.  Your her man and she needs you now. 

Good luck and a big Man hug with a back slap to you.

Pat

dhmeiser

Hi Scott,

As a husband my best advice is to take one day at a time.  

Don't rush into things,  but if you don't understand what the doctor is telling you do not be afraid to ask them to explain it to you agan and again until you do understand.

I know the anguish you are going through and the worry,  it eats at you and paralyzes you.   

 As for the practical items you should have a living will prepared before she goes under the knife.  A will is also a good idea, but don't do it in a panic,  you really need to sit down and think about that aspect.  

Remember every day with her is a gift,  you need to cherish every day with her.  If the worry is taking you over you also need to seek help for yourself.  there is nothing wrong in seeing your doctor and explain your worries with them.  

In my situation It was the unknown which is the worst,  and remember knowledge is power, the more you know about what is going on the better you can help discuss your options with her and the doctors.  Lastly do not be afraid to ask the Doctor why and what is their reasoning for a particular course of treatment.

You and your wife are in my prayers 

thatsvanity

Hi Scout,

Thank you for serving our country and being such a great husband. If it were me I would listen to her even in the most emotional or painful heartfelt discussions she wants to have. Even if you can't say much, just listen and tell her you understand and let her know you will be by her side every step of the way. When my sister was going through treatment sometimes we both just cried all the way home other days we went for lunch, but I think listening is important, even when it's scary. I'm going to pray for her and her pathology that it is going to turn out just fine.

Love to you and your family and precious wife,

Amy Lynn

Ken-runs

We knew. We just knew.  Days before the "you have breast cancer" call on 11/22/2011, we just knew.  But it was still like a kick in the gut, for my wife (IDC, Stage I, Grade 2) and me.  I won't go into all the "particulars" of diagnosis and lumpectomy, nor the score of 42 on the "oncotype". 

Chemo 1 of 10 (every other week) took place Thursday 1/19.  I've dealt with all kinds of situtations "on the streets" (paramedic, police officer) so I go into a very calm "take care of business" mode when things hit the fan.  But like so many husbands have said "This is my wife, the love of my life" and my feelings are all over the place as never before.  Why can't it be ME and not her?  We have such a wonderful group of friends who are so supportive.  Yet, unless they've "been here", they don't really know the feelings, the range of emotions.  (Cripes, I'm a licensed counselor and I'm still trying to put it all together.)

So today, we're going running together.  Something we love doing.  I know her energy level is not going to be what it usually is.  But we're doing this cancer journey one day, hour, even step at a time -- together.  Somehow it's making the kick in the gut of Nov. 22 not hurt so much.

Mallory107

You are in the very hardest part of the journey right now.  The couple of weeks after I first found out was a nightmare.  It felt like I was in a daze and I cried all the time.  And once you are able to forget about it for a little bit that realization and amazement comes rushing back-"I have cancer!"!!  and forget about sleep-the night was the hardest part.  The uncertainty of the whole thing was so overwhlelming-you are in a limbo because you just don't know what the deal is until you get that final path back after the surgery.  People would tell me that the beginning is the hardest part and I am here to tell you they are so right.  I am 3 weeks post surgery now and I am in a completely different place.  I now know what it is that I am fighting and am at a place of peace and positivity with it.  Your wife, and you, will get to this place in time. Your wife is a LUCKY woman because having you with her throughout this will make all the difference in the world.  My husbands support was crucial and I never once felt like anything was a burden to him. It has actually brought us so much closer.

Yes, she should get a will made and so should you-irregardless of health situation.  NOBODY should be without one.  This is something that she should have done a while ago.  I am always amazed at the fact that most people I know do not have one-esp those with children.

     

karen1956

Scout....you are your darling wife will get through this....as the others have said, its one day at a time....and sometimes its just one foot in front of the other.....I am coming up on my 6 year anniversary from hearing those dreaded words!!! and G-d willing I will be around for many more years to come...I'm not done raising my kids and I have future grandkids that I would like to me (so far none in the words)...BC is doable...and the treatments are doable.....There is a great book for husbands...I think the title is Breast Cancer husband...my DH read it....My DH and I wrote our wills 23 years ago when I was pregnant with my 2nd child....we now have 3 children and have never updated it....and we need to as now two of our children are grown...and one is married...so that is something that just makes sense so those you care about most get what you want them to have....get the puppy, travel when your wife feels well enough....do whatever your wife wants, but just listen to her body to be the guide.....and accept help if/when it is offered......All the best to you and your wife.....come her often...this is a great group of people....

beacon800

You have had super advice from the wonderful people in these boards. You are not alone and your wife will be treated and you will get thru. Take it hour by hour if that's what it takes (and sometimes that's what it takes.). Try not to let cancer totally take over. Do distracting things like watch funny shows, do some shopping, sports, walks, whatever relaxes her.



Before my surgeries I did a will and a medical directive and an official power of attorney in favor of my husband to make choices if I could not. I did all that "just in case" and I felt good to have it in the bag,even though most likely I wouldn't need it. At the hospital they actually asked me if I had this stuff as part of my pre-op. it put my mind at ease. At least one thing I could control.

maggiesuzanne

Yes, it is like being hit by a truck....my boyfriend is loving and attentive and has a lot of grief and sadness over this cancer diagnosis....our lives changed overnight....one thing I know is that he loves me and is in this for the long haul and he shares his pain openly with me....he is in just as much pain as I am....actually he feels it may be worse for him because one day I will be gone and he will be all alone...and that makes him very very sad.....so I make sure to listen to him and allow him to grieve openly........September I was riding a bike with him, October I was diagnosed, november I had a car accident, December we decided I need to stop driving, and now it is January and we are selling my car.....we have been getting my affairs in order regarding my will, and health care and general power of attorney.................we are experiencing a new way of life and are calling this "our little adventure"......he and I find every excuse to laugh...we look for things that make us happy....I may be in a hospital bed in the living room and terribly weak but I want every hour of the day to have meaning and love.............reading what other cancer patients write in this forum gets me off of my private pity parties and makes me realize I am not alone ... I hope this helps you........

Ken-runs

Karen -- Nancy got Dr. Love's book, I got Cancer Husband.  Both excellent.  The community here has been Nancy's "girls" she spends time with.  I also have read numerous post before even joining.  So very helpful.  She's 5 days out after chemo treatment 1, a week between this and the next, clinical trial of "dose densing".  I'm waiting for the storm (side effects) to hit hard.  It's like being told there's a storm coming, but you don't know exactly when it'll come, how strong it'll be, how long it'll last.  oes that make any sense to you all who've "been there"?  I live a good bit of my day with my "radar up" (the former cop and current crisis counselor in me).  Yes, I really think I can meet whatever challenges cancer/chemo brings.  But I appreciate all of everyone's suport here because I know that I can't do it alone.  [Why not ME --  Why couldn't it be ME instead of this wonderful person in my life, my wife? Do any of you ever ask this?  Is it a foolish question?  How do you answer it for yourself when it crops up when no one's around?]