Is it ok to forget?

CherylinOhio

Everyday I wake up and think about my day. Then it hits me: Cancer. Oh yea that's right I have that going on.  Or I wake up in the middle of the night..man that is the worst. As soon as I start living my life and having fun it dawns on me that my life has drastically changed and it may not be as long as I thought it was going to be.  Can we forget ladies? Is it ok to let our guards down? Does it get easier as time goes by, with each clean scan, can we start to feel better?  I told my husband last night that after 5 years I am going to start tagging my things so he knows what to do with them.  I don't know if he is in denial or he truly thinks I am going to be ok. I wish I were as optimistic.  Should I continue with my education?  Can I buy another horse? Will my cats outlive me?  I hate this sooooo freaking bad!! Please someone tell me this will get better.....

Celtic_Spirit

I subscribe to the "You can get busy living or get busy dying" philosophy. I don't know if I have 20 more years or 20 more hours ahead of me, but I don't plan to spend that time worrying about dying or hiding in the shadows. I'm pretty convinced that some cell phone-yapping teenager is going to wipe me out in a car wreck on the way to work some morning, but I still get behind the wheel each day and cart myself off to the salt mine!

Despite having had stage III bc and driving daily in the world's largest demolition derby, in the last few years I have adopted two young cats, contributed significantly to my IRA, and recently transferred my savings to CDs. I plan to be here for retirement! I'm careful with my vacation time at work so that I can travel to France in a couple of years and photograph the white horses of the Camargue, a long-held dream. So, yes, I would continue my education if I were you and definitely get another horse! You fought cancer so you could live...now do it!

clariceak

It does get better (slowly) but probably never goes away completely.  I took a leap of faith and started building our dream house with my dh last year.  Putting my foot solidly in the tuture, helped me cope with the same thoughts you are having.

I am going to to focus on living now, and think if I move to Stage IV I'll have time to put my affairs in order. You're still early in the process so don't expect to much of yourself now.  You will regain your life again.  Hugs.

jennyboog

I'm still new to all this too Cheryl but I'm a head of you a little and not optimistic either.  I felt the same way when I was where you are and still do at times but it has got better for me and I have no doubt that it will continue.  BC is never far in my mind but I've learned to shake it off and move on with my day...it's all I have right now, the only guarantee.  I do make plans for my future just as I did before BC, just like everyone else does.  The first year is tough, it's all a process that takes time to process.

CherylinOhio

thanks to all of you for your posts!  I do want to go out and see somwthing wonderful and magestic like Greece, Ireland or a national state park so I am going to start saving for it!  And I am looking for another horse. Probably won't buy one til after surgery next month.

Celtic Spirit: I worry about those dang teenybobbers too!! Ever since texting got popular the driving age should be raised to 20!! Though I do see many adults on the freeway texting. 

barsco1963

I too have wondered if these thoughts will ever stop being in the forefront of my thinking. I do agree with Celtic_Spirit and her philosophy - I choose to get busy living. Although having cancer is still something that I think of more often than I like - I do catch myself at times thinking "Wow, I haven't thought about it for a while" - esp during dinner with friends, spending time with family etc. It is a terrific feeling. If I surround myself with friends/family it is much easier to focus on the good things in my life.

So I say Yes - buy a horse, travel, celebrate the clean scans, live for the moment yet be optimistic about the future.

teachersally8467

make your cancer years the best years of your life...

when my mom (sally-this account) passed away on April 11, 2011 after 8 years of living with cancer, people honored her during her funeral partly as a teacher for 38 years and mostly for the last 8 years she had with them as coop officer, community leader and Catholic pastoral council leader..she had her travels too in many tourist spots of the philippines...she died happy, contented and proud.

 go with yours...don't just let that shit cancer block your way to happiness...make the most of your life, ma'am.. 

God bless you and your family 

Claire_in_Seattle

Hi Cheryl....

I want to add something else into the mix.  I always assumed I would live, and that I needed to worry a lot more about having the funds to live to 90.  And I remained as active as I possibly could throughout active treatment, even doing a cycling event during chemo.

That said, it took me about one year past active treatment to get my game back on.  That was when my hair had grown back to the point where I felt I looked like myself once again, and I was back to full energy.  Even the people at the dentist noticed a difference yesterday when I went in for x-rays and a cleaning.  They last saw me at the end of August.

So I don't think you are at that point.  Not where you have your dreams back.

As for the furry friends.....get one or two or five.  I would go for a mature horse with good sense as opposed to someone who needs to be trained.  I am saying this thinking of the injuries a friend has suffered.  You don't need to add to the list of things you need to recover from.

Anyway, feel better.  Give your cats a hug.  Make a list of fun things to do.  I need more funds before I can do foreign travel.  But I did cycling trips throughout WA State last year.  I am working on my 2012 list.  At the top, is getting my career back on track.

Anyway, good luck.  I think you will feel much better as you move forward and have good scans.  You will also feel better as you do more fun stuff.  And then, you get to re-create your look.  I am loving the way I look now, but wasn't a year ago.  So time takes care of a lot.

Wishing you the most wonderful 2012. - Claire

CherylinOhio

I agree that once my hair is back and I have my body whole again I will feel better about the future. I am trying to tell myself to stop thinking about it until you have a reason to.  But I ahve this naggin neck pain that started a week ago. I am calling next week to see about getting a scan before my appt on the 20th. It's just that everytime I do forget I think, crap my time is limited here isn't it? Maybe it's not, maybe I will be one of the lucky ones that lives for 20 years!  For now I am getting ready to go to Kohls to buy new clothes for a casino trip to NY on the 20th. My 41st bday is on the 23 and my hubby and I always take a casino trip.  Guess I need to hang on for awhiel so he has a gambling buddy!! The sun is out, it is almost 50 degrees in January in OHIO!!! yippee!! What a beautiful day!! We are usually buried in snow and in the 20's this time of year.

Thanks again, I am so glad I have this site!!  There is so much positive energy here, I love it!!

november

Hope you have a good time with your hubby

Claire_in_Seattle

One more thing Cheryl.  I am sure you have been reading the most dire statistics.  You need to understand that statistics measuring 10 year survival measure the effectiveness of treatment ten years ago.  You should expect much better outcomes, and yes to be here for the long haul.

One of the positive things you can do for yourself going forward is EXERCISE.  I can't think of a better way of getting exercise than getting a horse.  (I grew up on a dairy farm, and have taken care of horses.)  Even if you don't ride, a horse has to be fed, cleaned out and groomed.  Plus exercised.

What about using the casino winnings to "pony up" the funds??  Anyway, have a great time.

One other thing I would suggest is going for a makeover.  You will look fab, and feel tons better about things.  You probably do need to change up what you wear and update. 

Anyway, feel better.  I am sure the right horse is waiting for you.  Someone who is a great ride and will be a friend to you.  Have fun finding just the right one. - Claire

p.s.  Nagging neck pain???  That is why I lift weights.  My neck kills me if I don't stay fit.  I am wondering if you are lacking muscle tone and the support your neck needs.  Anyway, get it checked out and if nothing, go for a massage.

CherylinOhio

Thanks Claire, you are right about the stats, I dont ever get on line to read about statistics, too many variables. I am trying to tell myself I just have some neck pain. However, I am in a hopeless mood and am drinking an ice cold Moslon Candian and having a smoke. Yes bad bad bad BUT this is my one night a month to indulge. I was never a big drinker or smoker to begin with but....i nkow i will feel better. As for the horse, yes he or she is out there somewhere.  Just got back from shopping and found some cute and hopefully lucky clothes!!  Oh and I ws on the treadmill TWICE today!! and am going to start going to yoga one night a week with my friends.  Gotta live like right!?

Claire_in_Seattle

Hi back Cheryl......

Agree with all of this minus the smoke.  I also favor good microbrew and was at the wine bar last night doing the $4 deal on wonderful WA State wine.  The exercise will help you feel better and get you strong enough to shovel out a horse stall.

Which reminds me I need to get my butt out there and do a walk.  Plus a long cycle tomorrow.  Cute clothes are great, but I am in cashmere right now.  However, I will be wearing good spandex to show off my toned butt when I do the ride.

The important thing about the survival stats is that they are improving daily, especially for those of us with "regional disease".  Being ER+ means that you can do hormonal therapy, which is also a great thing.

Probably, if you think hard you will remember what you lifted or did for the neck pain.  If something went "snap" it's always a good clue.

Endorphins are a great way to de-funk. I continue to work that theory. So glad you are going to do yoga with friends. You will feel better, and I think being with people will help.

Good luck. Hoping those cute duds are also lucky ones.  I can wait for you to find the right horse. - Claire

diana50

I just think you have to be thankful for where you are.  grateful.  move forward. i got cats...i did a new relationship.  there are never any "for sures" in this life.  that is something that has actually added in a positive way to my life.  cute duds....cute everything.....just live.  being scared takes you away from life.  if your cancer returns; you will deal with it,  that is my motto.  if it comes back; i will fight it and deal with it.  i can't predict.  no one can.  don't forget...but don't live like you still  have it......if you are NED...you are NED. 

laura347

Yes it is OK to forget...do that when you can...and Love...really really hard...yourself and everyone around you:)

yellowfarmhouse

HI.  I was just reflecting back on how I felt 6 years ago when I was 1 year post diagnosis.  That was my hardest time.  I was positive that I was not going to live, that my children would not remember me and that my husband would be left with 5 kids to raise.  I lost my cyber chemo buddy 6 years ago this week -- I hit a low.  However, around that same time I met another survivor, joined a women's group and went on a breast cancer survivor retreat.  Slowly, the days went by and then years... I have been blessed with more time and a new career -- teaching. I have to admit that I still feel like I might not see retirement.     I still visit this site and know that breast cancer recurrance may be in my future.  But, I feel like I've been living life with more thought and intention.  So, know that your feelings are ones that many of us have had and still have. You are not alone.....

blessings,

Wendy

116

I went back to school and got another degree, got myself a kitten for Xmas, and would love to get another horse too,............!!!!!! I actually found myself wondering all the same things as you, then I thought what the heck am I waiting for I decided no regrets.

CherylinOhio

You are all right! Live for the day!!  I will get scan next week for my neck, hope it is just sore and move on.  Today I am going to look at a gorgeous bay quarter horse mare.  Still nice out today in Ohio, a balmy 46 degrees exptected. Have to get out and enjoy it.  I hope everyone has a great day today!!!!

DivineMrsM

ckgrayoh, I live for those moments and more, those blocks of time when I can completely forget about bc.  I actively try to create as many of them as possible.  Getting lost in a good book, a fun iPad game, a great movie, gossiping with gals at work, the times I have a satisfying day at work, going to lunch or dinner with hubby, tidying the house, ect.  I've noticed lately when I'm relaxing and suddenly get that twinge of fear wanting to take over my thoughts, I jump up and make myself get busy doing something.  

So yes, imo, it's ok to forget, even healthy to forget!

I live about 1 1/2 hours from Akron, and enjoying the same mild temps. 

Claire_in_Seattle

Cheryl.....hoping it's love at first sight between you and the mare.  You are right about getting out and enjoying the day.  It should be equally warm here, and hopefully not wet.

Anyway, let us know how you fare.  It does have to be the right horse though.

Can you take a hot bath to help with your sore neck???  I am well stocked with bath potions, and I use them.

I can't wait to hear about the horse. - Claire

cmdczc

Hey,

Enjoying this thread...   I have many of those days too, but it is beautiful here in KY, I took a long, long walk and feel great.  I tell myself sometimes, I may have cancer, but it doesn't have ME!  It will not stop me now or for a while.   Am dealing with heart issues too, but also treatable, and today I feel so fortunate!  Just wish I was shopping for a horse, too!

Each day gets better...

cindy 

CherylinOhio

Hi all, saw the mare today. I am going to keep looking, while she was pretty, she was a little tall for me and needed some work.  Am going to keep searching.  Still having awful neck pain.  When I touch my spine in places it hurts. Oh Sh*t!! I hope, I hope this is just tension.  I wish there woudl all go away!! I don't want to die.  Are we going to make it 10 more years??? I am sooo scared tonight!!

Claire_in_Seattle

Cheryl.....

I am so sorry that the "lady" wasn't the one, but that is the way things go.  You need the right horse.  Have you considered looking at Morgans?  They tend to be sound and good natured.  They were originally bred for light farm work, to pull carriages, and for riding.  (I come from Vermont and so do they.)

I am still remembering the love-sick Belgian gelding, Jerry, who had the hots for a Morgan mare, Meghan.  She wasn't interested, but he would call and call to her from the other field.  Poor guy (even if he couldn't do anything).

Right now, my spine is fine, but my butt hurts big time as did a long bicycle ride today.  Hoping no worse than you pulled something.  I have a friend who just went through back surgery, and I got the better deal.  So I don't wish any other type of back issues on you either.  Did you do something weird sleeping on you neck the wrong way?   Anyway, the sooner you get things checked out.....

I am sure too that you are magnifying every little twinge at this point.  That's what we do to ourselves.  Try to get some sleep.  I had a hot bath earlier.  Would that help???

Anyway, sweet dreams....try your ideal horse.  Feel better. - Claire

bak94

I feel the same way. I was in school when I was diagnosed. Took a break and started up again last week, online classes. I have had a bad start to the year, infection, scar burst open and flu. I am trying to recover and do my school work. I decided to put off going to work for a couple more months. I still have to do rads when I get all healed up which is taking forever! Sometimes I wonder if I am wasting time and money going to school, then I remember, I do like the classes I am taking so it is not a waste.If I wasn't taking classes I think I would be more focused on negative things, at least this gets my mind on to something different. My job is physical and I just don't feel ready to go back to that, plus people ask me alot of questions about cancer and it gets draining. Good luck finding a horse, that is very exciting and something to look forward to!

CherylinOhio

Going to onc tomorrow to see why neck and back hurt. Give ya one guess.. hopefully I am wrong.

Today I read about a girl who was on Survivor, was diagnosed, 3 years later got mets to spine and then passed away not long after. I thought bone mets were the safe mets? I was told if you get mets the bones are the best place, you can live many years. Oh crap....I hope this is just tension.

Momine

Ckgray, limited time compared to what? I have a friend who is 103. Compared to her, most people will have limited time here on earth.

My dad is 80, but such a bitter, miserable person that most people avoid him. He spends a lot of time on his own, completely alone in a country house in the middle of nowhere. He may have been given more time than most, but for what?

I get where you are coming from, and I think it is the rare cancer patient who doesn't have such thoughts once in a while. But in the end, you never know, and what matters is how you live right now. 

CherylinOhio

Momine - Yes you are right. It is just hard.  I guess I am just having a hard time thinking of a future when it may not be there. My poor husband, I keep telling him I am going to start to tag my things after 5 years so he knows who to give them to. I hate to buy new things right now because I don't know how long I will be able to use or enjoy them. I hesitate to buy another horse. I hope after a few years NED this thought process will stop and I will only think about bc when there is a reason to think about it. If there is a cure somebody better get it out there quick!!!