Husband says he might leave me

Meggy

I've only been married 3 years and right after we got engaged, I got dianosed.  I had originally invited him and his daughter to live in my home, but after I was diagnosed, I realized the daughter caused me severe stress (yelling, cursing, at her father, about me, about everthing).  I just made the judgement call that the stress would decrease my chance of winning my fight agasint cancer.

Before we were married I told my fiance that I could not live with his daughter and he agreed with this. She is now about to turn 21 and has lived in her own place and with roommates and is very depressed and unhappy.  She says she has a chemical imballance and I think that is probably true.  

My husband told me that now she needs to live with us and I told him that I just can't bring that level of additional stress into my life.  I'm triple negative, lots of possitive nodes...a high risk cancer.  My own kids are still young.  My boy is 11 and my duaghter is 14.  I am their ownly parent, so I really have to stay alive.  I already have the stress of working in my own business but with chronic pain from lymphedema on both sides.  I just can't see setting myself up for daily stress like that.  I don't feel I owe that to anyone.  I need to stay alive for my kids.

He said he might leave in order to live with her because she needs him. I don't really want to get divorced.  That would be stressful also but I just know that living with his daughter would be so stressful everyday.

Also, my two young kids will be exposed to such unbelievable behavior.  Even my husband yells at his daughter in a way that I do not think is right. With the two of htem together under my roof, my home would be a dreadful place and I think my kids might end up with very different life behavior patterns than they have now. 

We've been supporting her living on her own...with her brother who no longer wants to live with her.  Her own mother threw her out about 4 years ago.  Here I am trying really hard to beat cancer and I'm supposed to take this on?  

Racy

Hi Meggy, congratulations on being almost four years cancer free! I understand your anxiety about minimising stress and your concerns for your children.



Is this daughter under psychiatric care and on medication? It is important to try to manage her behaviour through psych care and if she is under care and still having behavioural issues, her care and meds should be reviewed.



I wonder if there is a win - win solution to this issue. What is the reason she has to live with you? Can her needs be met in another way such as your husband visiting her daily? Can medical help address the reason?



If you do decide to let her into your home you will need to have strict ground rules.



Hoping you can work this out without losing your health or your husband.

dogeyed

I'm with Racy, your husband's daughter needs professional help.  As for her living in your home, you made that crystal clear before you were even married that his daughter could not live with you.  This is still true.  I appreciate your husband's concern for his daughter, but he needs to find SOME OTHER WAY to handle this thing with his daughter. 

Now, there are a couple things that I think are very important about how needlessly panicky and hurtful your husband is getting over his GROWN DAUGHTER'S own life.  First, he cannot help but to have become a father figure to your little boy who is only 11 years old, so if your husband leaves, he MUST weigh that carefully on how much hurt he will cause that innocent child.  Secondly, for your own consolation and confirmation that you're doing the right thing, since your own daughter is about to go thru hormonal changes, she needs to have a stable environment right now, so NO WAY can that other crazy girl come live with you all.  Third, your husband MAY NOT LEAVE YOU, he married you, he's gotta stick around, he can't just run off and... what, go live with his daughter somewhere? 

Look, she cannot live with you guys, so she needs to stay in the roommate situation she has right now, since coming home for a breather is not an option since her typical growing-up household where she might come and go no longer exists.  Also, she is almost 21 years old, so she is perfectly capable of calling her own shots.  Now, if she needs money to move away from her roommates or something, fine, your husband can help pay for whatever, altho he should encourage her to just work it out, so many life problems are like that, you make do with what you have or you make a well-planned change.  And if she needs professional help, there are free or low-cost mental health clinics, or again your husband can pay for a private psych if he's willing to part with the cash, but I think he should encourage her to take herself to the state- or county-run clinic in town and lean on someone professional there instead of your husband.

So, I think you and your husband will have to deliberately have a talk about OTHER options besides the two that are on the table right now (her moving in or husband moving out), since they would have a devastating effect on not only YOU, but on your son, and besides there ARE options that are perfectly good for his daughter besides all this moving stuff, which I've thrown you a few ideas.  Once you two have first pulled together about not changing your own living environments, then you can set about deciding where to steer this troubled daughter of his.  Your husband knows more about what's going on, but he should realize that his daughter can actually maneuver with this crisis she finds herself in reasonably well and on her own, it's just that she's not mature enough to be able to make appropriate plans for fixing what is wrong in her life right now.  So, you two should go about providing her with acceptable plan ideas, especially ones she can do on her own.

I also want to say that I know how you feel about the sanctity of your home and your need for your husband.  I just completed nine exhausting months of cancer treatments, am dealing with this stupid hormone-blocking drug that is making me angry and I'm not sleeping well.  If ANYTHING were diff in my husband's and my household, I'd lose it for sure.  Now, you're a couple years further out, but you STILL are not over the cancer thing on account of your lymphedema, which is no small matter!  And that's not even mentioning your innocent son in all this, and the need for you to focus on your own daughter's imminent need for you to provide lots of love and attention right now, not to mention you are still in a situation where you need your husband desperately. 

 We lost both our dogs this year, and at the end of this month, we will FINALLY be able to get a new dog, which I am SO miserable without our pets right now.  Like I said, I could not tolerate some change in our household right now.  I can barely go and visit with my own family now!  I just need the peace and quiet and security of my home, and I REALLY need my husband, and our home seems so empty without our dogs.  So, I sure can understand how awful it is that you are being put on the spot like this and having all this pressure put on you, even risking losing your husband, particularly when this is SO unnecessary when there are other perfectly good options, if your husband would just calm down and think this thing all the way through!  GG

lrr4993

I agree with you that you need to do what is best for you.  However, I would never put a parent in a position of chosing anyone over their child.  His daughter should be first in his life, just like your children are in yours.  I don't know what the solution is and maybe it is living apart for a little while so he can deal with his daughter.

Sorry, I know this is probably not a popular opinion, but kids come first in my book. 

pupmom

Irr, if his daughter were a minor I would agree. I don't know the extent of her mental illness, but she should be thoroughly evaluated, and if indicated, treated. There are many serious mental illnesses that don't manifest until the 20's, although symptoms can often be traced years back. 

Meggy, if I were you I would encourage my husband to be all over the mental illness issue. She is an adult now, so nothing can be done without her consent. She may use his love for her to manipulate things to her seeming liking, and try to avoid the pain of confronting her problems and/or illness. But mabe she is open to seeking help. I hope so, because breaking up your marriage and manipulating her father into moving in with her will ultimately just be a psychological band-aid. The issues won't go away. After all these years of dealing with her, surely your husband has an inkling of all this! 

I wish you and your family the very best. So glad you are doing well after bc treatment! You MUST take care of yourself first.

TifJ

I have to agree with Irr4993. Your kids are your first priority. They are at very impressionable ages and to have his daughter come in and act out in front of them may give them the idea that that behavior is acceptable. Maybe a session with a counselor can help you and your husband find a solution be it temporary or permanent.

I am so sorry you are having to even deal with this. I think sometimes a parent has to let go and let their grown children actually grow up and fend for themselves. I can see monetary help, but total reliance on a parent is unacceptable. I am actually kind of surprised that she would even want to move in with you if all she and her Dad do is scream at each other. She needs professional help either alone or with you and her Dad.

I sure hope it all works out for you.

Hoolianama0508

I made the mistake of taking in a family member and her son when I was till receiving radiation. At the time, I thought I could handle it.

What I did not foresee was the extreme stress and frustration that it caused me, my 2 small children, and husband. If I had to do it over again, I wouldn't. They only stayed for 5 months. The atmosphere in my house was so uncomfortable.

Put yourself and your younger kids first. Remind your husband that his 21 year-old daughter can support herself, but your 11 and 14 year-olds cannot. They don't need their life interrupted.

Remember, when a person comes into your space, they bring their habits and problems with them.

I sincerely hope things will work out for you.

Claire_in_Seattle

I agree that your husband has to focus on helping his daughter who sounds lost and in need of help.  However, he should not be giving up his own life and marriage to do this.

I have a sister who is bipolar and has fought demons all her life.  She was actually relieved when she was initially diagnosed.  Unfortunately, she gave up a great deal of her life.  About 10 years ago, they came out with much better mediaction to manage that disease, and for the first time, she is now happy.  She had a very tough time getting there.

(I got a much better deal with breast cancer.)

I am wondering if counselling might give you and your husband perspective on how to handle all this.  What about the girl's mother??  I don't think she is there either, so I do understand why your husband feels he needs to intervene.

My sister, to her credit, did all this on her own.  She even worked for almost 30 years.  She is now doing volunteer work.  But the rest of her life was hell.

You need to take care of yourself and your children.  I think your husband is a good person.  He was with you throughout.  But I think he needs help in helping his daughter.  And of course the daughter needs help.

Good luck.  No, the solution is NOT for her to live with you, or for him to live with her.  One final thing I would say is don't make him choose between you and his daughter.  Not the right place to go.  The right place is getting the daughter help, and having him be there for you and your family.  I think this can be done.

Anonymous

Under no circumstances would I recommend taking this ticking time bomb into your home. You need to put, your needs first.

However I think an agreed upon period for your husband to concentrate on his daughter, perhaps necessitating a form of trial separation from you (not a real separation... just a means for him to feel comfortable staying with his daughter for an agreed upon length of time) might work for all three of you.

Your husband would have the freedom to assist his daughter as he sees fit, you would not have the additional stress in the midst of your own medical crisis and children, and the daughter would (hopefully) get the support and guidance she needs to move beyond her current difficulties.

I also think there may be another under current to all this... your husband may be expressing an almost unconscious desire to escape the emotional burden of being a BC care-giver for awhile.

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt, provide a little leeway for him to sort out his approach and keep your fingers crossed. I think it could all work out as long as both parties remain flexible and don't create any ultimatums.