Mother may be choosing not to fight

3monstmama

Mother may be choosing not to fight

3monstmama

My  82 year old mother was diagnosed with advanced ovarian cancer right before Thanksgiving.  She was persuaded (well not exactly, after we begged her for over a week post diagnosis, her cardiologist told her she HAD to come here) to come near family for treatment and to do chemo. 

At initial diagnosis, the doctors told her she did not want to just do nothing, that doing nothing would be painful, etc etc so she met with the oncologist with the presumption made that she would do chemo.  She did her first round of chemo a week before Christmas.  Whether an impact of the chemo or her mindset and the chemo, chemo sucked and a week later she ended up in the hospital.  She is now in a skilled nursing facility.  Her 2nd round of chemo is scheduled for this Friday but we meet with the oncologist before the appointment.

I suspect she is considering bagging chemo.  She is not hungry, not eatting, not pushing herself to get out of skilled nursing.  She lacks any enthusiasm for life or desire to be in life, if that makes sense.   She says wants her oncologist to give her hard statistics as to survival, life expectancy etc.  Maybe chemo is not the right path for her--it seems to me that she arrived here lacking the will to live and without that, not sure how one can make it through chemo. 

That said, while I would never feel comfortable suggesting to her that she stop the chemo and go for pallative care (our relationship is historically VERY rocky with pretty much anything I say being taken in the worst possible way), I would like to be prepared to do whatever she asks in connection with any decision.  The thing is, I haven't a clue what to do or to look for.

She is now living in a state with a right to die law--her prior state of residence was not.  As I understand it, that means that at a certain point, she could get a prescription for meds to end her own life once her condition was documented as terminal.  But she has to live in the state as a resident for a set number of days. I am thinking you can probably get meds for pallative care while one waits to establish residency. 

Does a person have to go someplace special for pallative care? 

Can you just stay in a skilled nursing facility? 

I did speak to one hospice before she moved out here--turns out it is NOT covered by her insurance and would cost nearly $600 a day.  She may be able to afford it but I know she wouldn't want to--she is grousing like crazy about little costs.  Do people just go to hospice for the last few days?

sigh. Her mother, my grandmother, died at the age of 92 having laid down on her own bed for a nap.  And her sister, my aunt, died last week, having had a beautiful holiday with her children and grandchildren---she just stopped breathing.  Is it hateful or horrid to say that I am sad my mother has not had the same "luck"?

thenewme

Oh, 3monstmama,

I can't imagine any better option than dying in my own bed at 92 lying down for a nap, and I wouldn't wish anything less for anyone.  I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all this!  Does your mom's hospital have an ombudsman or counselor or someone you can talk with to get the information you need to help make decisions?  I've told you this before, but I really admire your courage and love, being there for your mom like you're doing, especially given such a rocky history.  HUGS to you!

AmyIsStrong

I, too, am so sorry you are going through this.  The skilled nursing facility should have a social worker on site. I would request a private meeting with her/him to discuss your mom's situation. I would be candid with your fears and concerns and get some hard facts on what her options are. Perhaps the social worker can discuss her situation with her, either withh you present or not. Sometimes professionals can get through to someone, or get them to open up, in a way that a family member cannot.

Wishing you peace. This sounds very hard.

Amy 

Margi1959

Nope, it's not hateful or horrid at all to wish that your mom had the same "luck" as your gramma and your aunt.  My dad died of a massive heart attack two days after my mum died (after battling stage IV BC for 9 months, her fourth and final round of it:  initially diagnosed in 1995).  They had been divorced for 45 years and I know my mum would have been SO pissed that he did this and tried to "steal her thunder".  I totally get what you're saying and don't you dare feel bad for saying it!

I don't have any easy answers for you other than to let your mom lead.  At the end of the day, it's her decision whether to continue chemo or not.  Personally, I don't think I would do it either because of all the side effects but...having said that, my husband is currently going through chemo after esophageal cancer surgery just as a preventative.  I told him he didn't have to do it but he's soldiering on with it.   Everyone has the right to make their own choices in this regard.

We live in Canada so hospital and hospice care is free here.  My mum was in hospice for the last 10 days of her life, in hospital for the 9 days previous to that.  Hospice care is wonderful and they are experts at not letting pain darken the doorway of their patients.  My mum passed peacefully thanks to hospice care - something I wouldn't have been able to do for her at home.  

Thoughts and prayers are with you.

Margi

ma111

Oh my, what a situation.

Pallative care does not mean end of life, it is differrent then hospice. One can have pallative care while going through chemo. I did that. The onc is the one that reffered me to them to help control the symptoms of the disease and the chemo.

My parents are just a little younger then your mother. They feel that if they have cancer, that is God's will for them and who are we to disturb that. This is a very hard concept to understand and accept, however, sometimes we have to accept what our parents want in thier healthcare.

A right to die law does not mean that a doctor will let her have meds to kill herself.