Need Help in Supporting

IAmBatgirl

Need Help in Supporting

IAmBatgirl

Hi Everyone,

I'm not totally sure if this is the right place to post, but I thought I would try.  My best friend's mother was just diagnosed with stage 3 bc.  I want to be supportive for her and my friend, but I moved to LA last year and they're in New Jersey.  I'm 23 now but we've been best friends since sixth grade.  Right now I feel really helpless. I'm absolutely terrible with dealing with this sort of situation and so is my friend.  I want to be as helpful as possible and not end up with my foot in my mouth. Are there any books or articles anyone can recommend for this type of situation?  Or has anyone experienced anything similar? I'd be thankful for any advice.

 All the best,

CM 

Snobird

Bump

bak94

I am sure you will get some good advice here. I would just start by calling them, sending cards and emails to let them know you care. It is hard with you being so far away. The best thing to do is listen if they feel like talking about it, or sometimes they just may want to talk about non cancer thngs. Just don't ask things like "what is your prognosis", let them share the details if they feel like it but I think it is better to let them bring it up. I hope you get more advice, as you can see I am not very good at this either and I have cancer!

Granuaile

I completely agree with bak94 - just showing support with emails/cards is good. I still haven't gotten over my MIL saying my chemo didn't sound too bad (it would have killed her if she had to take it, I was treated very aggressively with mastectomy, A/C, Taxol/Herceptin, proton beam rads) and laughing about the fact that my hair might come back in white curly ringlets. Don't speak with her anymore, sadly. I don't need to hear her kinds of jokes. Sincere is best, in my opinion

jennyboog

I agree with everyone...be sincere.  It bugged me when people told me about a miracle drink or juice that they heard will cure cancer.  Let her do her own research and let her and her dr decide on any alternate tx's.  It's hard with you being so far away, just a simple card or phone call of support means so much and shows she is on your mind it will help brighter her days when she is down.  Sometimes keeping it simple is better

PlantLover

Sorry I don't have any books to recommend but the one thing I think many fail to do is to simply ask ... "What can I do to help?" 

We are all so different and what one person needs might not be right for another.  Some people need & want to be joked through it and others what someone to play it serious.

For me, one difficult thing that a lot of people I know say is something along the lines of "Well it's all behind you now and you're all done with it." 

I know they are trying to be positive but I hardly think one can be "all done" with a Stage III invasive cancer even though chemo/rads/surgery are behind you.  Hopefully it won't progress but the odds are certainly rather strong that it could, ya know what I mean?

Janeybw

I agree with everyone--let them know you are there and that you care.  I had a very wide support network all over the place--near and far.  I ended up not needing them too much, but it was certainly wonderful knowing that they were there if I did.  It was very helpful for me mentally to know that I wasn't alone and that I could call people for different things if I needed to.  Tell her about these boards--they have been a real life saver for me.

Celtic_Spirit

I live in California, and my best friend and her mom live in New Jersey. They showed their support by sending me lots and lots of greeting cards, sometimes several times a week. Some of the cards were funny, some were "just thinking about you" cards. They never sent any cancer-themed cards or heavy "get well" cards, which I appreciated. Getting those cards meant a lot to me. Sometimes that card was the high point of my day. They also called every week to check up on me or just chit-chat about every day things.

Anonymous

Everyone has given great advice.  Celtic's adivice about sending cards regularly is a great Idea. The one thing about Breast Cancer diagnosis is the sad fact that there are some friends and family members that begin to distance themselves from you.  Just, being there and communicatinng to them regularly is going to mean so much to them.  There's some things you just don't want to say.  A few things I heard that started to grate on my nerves were things like'

"Stay Positive"  "What's your Prognosis"  Did they catch it all?"'  I'm sure there will be others that can add to this.  But the one thing I hated was people telling me to stay positive. There were days I was not positive at all, and that 's ok.  The best thing you can say to them is that you will be there for them from a distance.  They need your moral support, throught communication.  Also, just keep up with these forums, you'll pick up a lot of info and feelings here.  Just remember, this diagnosis is not the death sentence it used to be.  We are all confident that our treatment is working to keep it from coming back again.

Barb

AmyIsStrong

I had a co worker who was long distance and kept track of my treatments and sent me a card (or very small cheer-up book) that arrive a few days after each one.  That small gesture meant SO MUCH to me. She actually went through bc herself years ago and I guess remembered what would help. And it did.  Also, being there to listen to your girlfriend - letting her express her fears and concerns and just BEING THERE for her - is probably the best thing you can do.

My feeling is ...if you don't know what to say and are afraid of saying the wrong thing...you cannot go wrong by saying "I don't know what to say and I am afraid of saying the wrong thing, but I love you so much and wish I could make this better." 

SpecialK

I don't know if your friend's mom texts on her phone, but I have a lot of far-flung friends from being a military wife for 28 years.  Many of my friends that were not local would text me during my chemo treatments (7 hours in a recliner) and it really touched me that they had calendared my dates and knew when I was having chemo.  A lot of my local friends did it too - very nice to have those texts come rolling in during those long hours.  I have a 22 year-old daughter - I know that her friends (both guys) whose mothers had been treated for BC were a big help to her.  She always showed me her strong face, but she could be emotional with her friends - it was nice to have a supportive outlet.  I know this may not sit well, but I really, really didn't want any pink gifts - I got them anyway - but they annoyed me. 

kmur

 Hi ... Everyone has given such great words of advice.  You are a wonderful friend!  I just thought I would also say Celtic had wonderful advice. I had one very close friend ( more like a mom to me ) She sent cards all of the time. As the other girls said ...they were sometimes funny sometimes just a "Today, I'm thinking of you card" it was wonderful. Your friend will likely need your support as well...BC seems to change everyone in the family in some way.

Best of luck to your friends mom,

Kim

Peacock

edited

AmyIsStrong

Someone gave me some socks with the pink ribbon on them and a bracelet with a cancer saying on it. Not my favorite gifts. One friend gave me a shirt that said "Cancer picked the wrong broad." I like it but wouldn't wear it in public. Sometimes I see women with the 'fight like a girl' shirts on and themas give them a smile.  I wouldn't want to be a walking advert though. Not my style. 

You have been given a lot of good ideas here.  Keep listening to her and you will probably think of some more.  

profbee

Keeping in touch is key.  Listening.  I swear I once called my bestie and she didn't say a word while I RANTED for a good 20 minutes...like crying, yelling, snot coming out of my nose ranting.    It was probably my worst 20 minutes.  But she was there for me...on the phone from a city far away.  

I know you didn't ask about this, but some dear friends also sent some awesome gifts.  That friend sent me a gift card to Zappos so I could get some awesome shoes. That was early on, and it was such a boost of fun.  There was also a delivery from someplace called Grandma's Chicken Soup or something.  That was yummy--matzo ball soup, nice and plain sort of which was a welcome break from the ziti contest my neighbors were engaged in.  (Not that we didn't TOTALLY appreciate the food!  I'm just saying the soup was a cool and different idea.) One friend sent word search and crossword books to kill time..and silly trashy magazines that I could read in the chemo chair.  I think it's that they were still sending stuff to ME..stuff I would have liked before, and not cancer stuff.  A friend baked us cookies one time and sent them from states away...she told me they were just the slice and bake kind and I said, "Well, they were damn good because I ate them ALL in one sitting!"    

SharonMH

Hi   My SIL and her husband emailed me nature pictures everyday during chemo because they lived so far away and wanted me to know they were thinking of me. I had something to look forward to each morning.  SharonH

pupfoster1

What a great friend you are!  You've gotten some great advice so far, and I might add to encourage her to join this group if she feels up to it.  Knowledge is power and in this "game" the more knowledge the more in control she'll feel.

Take care,

Sharon

SpecialK

I forgot this until I read profbee's post - I got tons of pajamas!  All button front soft, wonderful pajamas - I guess everyone thought I was going to do some serious pajama lounging (which I did) and they wanted me to be prepared!  I ended up having 5 surgeries in the space of 10 weeks so I was in PJ's a lot!  Another great gift was a heated throw blanket that was big enough to curl up in and was made of that super soft fleecy stuff.

antonia1

When going through chemo, just a simple note from a friend or even a casual acquaintance letting me know that I was in their thoughts and prayers, made me happy. Small thoughtful things made me happy and grateful.  But the greatest gift I got from my best friend with whom I communicated long distance almost daily on Skype, because she listened to me, supported me, never judged me and told me funny stories when I needed it.

My advise is, listen to your friend and see what kind of support she needs and be there for her.

Outfield

There's some really great advice here.  One thing that I really valued was that many of my friends, knowing that I love to read (but haven't had much time to with little kids) sent me books and audiobooks.  Sometimes it was a couple of their favorites, sometimes it was something they thought of based on something I'd said.  I was quite sick with chemo, and used the audiobooks during the worst days, the regular books when I was doing better.  It was my way to get away from the fear and misery.

Food was also really appreciated by my family.  We have two little kids and it was rough.  We had a friend coordinating meals here, but there are some mail services that send really good, restaurant-quality frozen meals (good if there is freezer space, which we had).  

The only thing anybody said to me that I can't let go of was "well it's probably just DCIS."  It sure wasn't DCIS, and even if it had been I'm sure I would have been pretty upset by it.  But I agree, being asked my prognosis was very difficult, as were "did they get it all?" and "you'll be fine!" And there was a fine line between concrete suggestions that were helpful, and those that were annoying.  I tended to take them much better if they came from a survivor, but I never wanted to hear anybody's miracle cure.

BlueCowgirl

What a thoughtful friend. You've already gotten great advice, so not much to add, but wanted to second pupfoster you might mention this place - words cannot describe the support I've gotten here. And while different people may have different tastes, or different senses of humor, or ways of coping, or whatever, I think that *everyone* likes to hear the words "I am thinking of you" and "I love you."

MiniMacsMom

I agree with the cards, books,pajamas and little magazine.  Also homemade cookies.  One of my favorite gifts was warm fuzzy socks and slippers.  We have to be careful to protect our feet.  The same friend also got me a few nailpolishes because chemo can make your nails weird and you hve to be really careful getting manicures.  I would definately recommend staying away from pinks unless you have gotten the ok from your friends mom.  For some of us its too much of a reminder of what we are going through.  I was DX in october and I HATED going to the store, when it was supposed to be relaxing all I could think about what crap pink=I have cancer

Nothing has to be expensive, just any little thing to show you care!  One of my favorite gifts I just got that will be handy in the future is a small tube pillow that slips onto your seatbelt.  Its great for after surgeries!

NeedtobeSTRONG

I agree with the stay away from pinks!  I was also diagnosed around October and it was everywhere.I had gone tothe store to take my mind off of everything and it was everywhere.  I enjoyed receiving cards in the mail.  Also, the food was great!  My husbands job bought us gift certificates to local places (pizza, chinese, ect...) really helped out.