The real answer to "Let me know if you need any help"

Peacock

 Hi -- What am I forgetting to list? I mean to tighten this up and distribute to friends and family. Thanks!

The Real Answer to "Let me know if you need any help."

Thanks for your offer. Breast cancer has hit me and my family hard, sapping my appetite and energy. Though you tell me, "You look good!" the battle inside my body keeps me awake at night.

In those long, dark hours, I think about what needs to be done to keep me and my household functioning. If I knew you meant it when you said, "Call me if you need anything," or I were bold enough to answer when you asked, "How can I help?" this is what I would say:

Feed me: I don't need fancy food, but if you doubled what you're making (or buying) for a meal, and put it in my freezer, I would be grateful for a long time.

Supply me: Next time you buy cat litter or detergent, pick up one for me. Heavy items are especially difficult for me to handle. Don't worry about what type I normally buy; adapting to a new brand of toilet paper is the least of my worries.

Take Photos of What I'm Missing: Cancer keeps me away from the school play, and I have doctor's appointments that conflict with my spouse's promotion ceremony and the book club party. Take photos for me, so I can feel that I was there, and talk about it with my kids, spouse, and friends later.

Keep Me in the Loop: I am an expert in my illness, and I have sources for national news, but I miss the daily exchange of office chitchat and neighborhood news. Keep me on the email lists, and let me know what's going on in my world.

Visit Me: But know that normal rules don't apply. I can't run around and tidy up the kitchen before you come, but if you wiped the kitchen counters while we chat, or loaded the dishwasher, you would help me. On the way out, if you grab that package I've been meaning to mail or the recycling headed for the bin, I would appreciate that too.

Listen to Me: You don't need to tell me about others you've known who "beat" cancer or assure me that I'll be fine. I know the statistics and my doctors and I are on the job. What I'd like is for you to listen when I tell you how I feel, both physically and emotionally. Let me talk, cry and laugh.

Remember Me Now: I'm still the same person who loves celebrity gossip, fantasy football and chocolate chip cookies. Go ahead and forward that funny joke, or send clippings of the actress I like best. Don't worry if it doesn't seem "meaningful" to someone facing cancer; I'm still interested and crave distraction.

Remember Me Later: No one knows what tomorrow will bring, so when we part with a hug, remember me at my best. Choose to forget the days when I was petty and let our mild disagreements fade. I promise to do the same for you.

Finally, know that I appreciate even the smallest effort. Illness has taught me to offer help sincerely, and to accept it willingly. If, in time, you hit a rough patch, I'll knock on your door bearing brownies and tissues, ready to hold your hand or fold your laundry. And you'll know what I've learned: kindness lasts, friends matter, and when someone offers dinner, take it!

CharB22

Excellent!

DiDel

Be BOLD ...I love what your wrote and I think we all need the same things especially during treatments. I was bold enough (I live alone) and just needed help. I had a friend deliver me food every chemo session that got me through the week, friends asked me what I needed as they headed to the store, I heard every bit of gossip office or otherwise that kept me amused, two friends cleaned my house really really well right before each treatment...friends took me to treatment and called me constantly to see how I was doing and to remind me to eat. It was really nice to have such a great group of friends I could count on. I think you should email your post to your friends and just say...I need help and here is what I need. Who would dare think anything of it. If you need help you need help...you will be surprised at who steps up. You are not being selfish by asking. You are fighting a battle that literally takes all your strength...your friends know that and I bet are eager to help.

Good luck and Happy New Year!!!

Diane

mrsnjband

I found that even if I gave someone a suggestion they would still say, give me a call.  I was trying to be specific.  They don't understand you don't have the energy to "call them".  Just do something to help. Please!

Peacock

I will forever be grateful to a neighbor, whom I BARELY know. She had BC years ago, and when she heard about me, she dropped off Tide, tp, paper towels, baggies and foil on the porch.  Two weeks later, again she came with oj, milk, bread, eggs. She didn't leave a note, just handed it all to my mother and left. Last time she brought tissues, trash bags and fruit. Perfect!

fredntan

I've felt so let down by my "friends" even my sister who lives down the road doesn't call or help. she has her own issues I guess, but GD I'm scared, I'm you know...Its just so disappointing when people don't call. I don't really need there help. Maybe I should extend myself out to them. IDK. Some distraction would be so nice. Luckily my DH has been my rock. BC has turned him from boy to man.

jacee

I was so sick on AC,even the thought of people bringing food over made me sick. Friends starting mailing gift cards to restaurants to us so my family could eat and I wouldn't have to see or smeill it.

After my diagnosis, I've had 3 friends diagnosed, and surprisingly I still feel akward about what to say and do for them at times. So, I know people who've never had it are uncomfortable at times as well.

JustLaura

Well said!

Frapp

Great post. Love it!!!

apple

that is a WONDERFUL  post peacock.

hope your friends pull thru for you.

lovemyfamilysomuch

You said it girl!

shannonW

Best thing I've read in a long time. Thanks for your insight and eloquence.

Momof2inME

Perfect!!

Anonymous

Excellent post ( actually for lots of other serious illnesses too, as well as bc)

mdg

Now if only our family and friends had read this.....   I too felt a bit let down by people.  I had a lot of help after my BMX with meals but through chemo and my other surgeries, no one really helped.  I still had to cook dinner for my family every night through chemo.  I was glad I did not have nausea or that would have been really hard.  I loved when people just did things on their own.  If you say "let me know if you need help".....I won't be calling you.  How do call and say "hey, wanna come over and do my laundry or clean my bathroom?"??  I just did everything myself and DH helped with our son who was 4 when I was dx last year.  I know most people just really don't get it or know what to do/say, but it feels like they don't care even if they do.  I know having BC has made me much more compassionate and helpful to others...I was always that way before, but now even more so.  THanks for writing this!

JoanQuilts

Peacock - your post is brilliant!

Wishing you the best.  I am also in NJ and my BMX is scheduled for Friday.  This is my second go around with breast cancer.  I had a lumpectomy, rads and chemo 19 years ago (when I was a mere wisp of a girl!).

panamajayne

Peacock I love your post starting this thread.  This past year I have really had an eye opener about which friends are really friends.  The phrase "call me if you need anything"  leaves me cold.  

JulieLynn

Thank you for this post......we were told that BC would show us who we could count on and who we couldn't. I never imagined how true that would be.

chef127

Last August, getting my BC DX was the easy part. I thought it was just another bump in the road and I'd go with the flow and do what i had to to take care of this. I'd been disabled since 2009 so I thought I had the time to cope and handle whatever needed to get done. I set up the surgery and I was ready to let my breast go.Then early september, hurricane Irene hit and made its way into my first floor with 4 feet of smelly, dirty, water and sewage. Everything was put on hold. I couldn't imagine coming home after surgery to this clutter and filth that surrounded my home. My DD and I did what we could to make our space liveable in the weeks that followed. My space became cluttered and so did my brain. What do I attack first?

One of the local churches of which I am not a member, sent a crew to help the victims of the flooding get stated w the cleanup. They tore out all the walls before the black mold made its way into the upstairs of my home. WOW. My DD and her friends came to the rescue and sanitized what was left of the first floor. the concreate floors and  bathroom.WOW. The Red Cross came around twice a day with a catering truck with food and warm thoughts. WOW. I was left with my home in complete disarray and a DX I didn't give much thought to. Am I complaining? NO. it is what it is. 

I've been independent and self sufficient all my life. Hard to ASK for help. My friends did show up after a week or so. "Call me IF you need anything." Do I really have to ask." 

Anyway, I finally got my BC journey underway. My DD held my hand through it all. My friends starting bringing me GET WELL SOON gifts. I don't need flowers or a new robe and slippers. I appreciate the gesture but my needs were gettting my surroundings back normal. Here it is February and my brain and home are still cluttered. It is my fault because I cannot ASK for help?

I recently had a b'day and I received alot of gifts from friends and family. It made me cry and the only thought I had was "they think I'm going to die. Better show her that we are thinking of her." 

If I would ASK for the help I may get what I really need. I DON'T KNOW HOW. So here I sit, surrounded by clutter and disarray. Sometimes, ASKING is the only way we get what we need.

Gayle56

Excellent post Peacock - thank you for that.

Gayle

Lacey12

Yes, Peacock, an important post. Thank you for that.

I have found that neighbors who I never expected to help came through in the most caring ways. It felt odd at first to accept meals from others as I was usually the one who cooked for others when they were needing it. Shortly after my diagnosis, my younger adult son who lives in the same metro area came to talk with me and said, "Mom, you need to let people take care of you now. I will do whatever you need and let others do that to. You're so used to taking care of everybody else and that has to change for you now." It was still easier to accept the meals and other support from friends/neighbors who were specific about their offers. I didn't have to construct the help, just accept it. But we need to accept that it may be new to be the recipient, yet it is curative, and that is the most important thing. Another thing that was hard for me was asking for help when I was managing to work full time through two surgeries and radiation (clearly would have been a different story with chemo treatment). But so many people understood that and came through. I love your story about the quiet grocery dropper! What a lovely way to let someone know that you are materially and spiritually with them!

Lumpynme

lacey12: "Mom, you need to let people take care of you now. I will do whatever you need and let others do that to. You're so used to taking care of everybody else and that has to change for you now."

are you sure this was YOUR son and not MINE??? i am having difficulty accepting some of the things that my kids are doing...i needed to revisit this post today...i also find that my kids are doing some things that they think i will like that i really wish they would ask first about...but i'm getting thru that one!

we all need to know how to ask-and then when we do ask, we need to know how to accept!

years ago, as a Girl Scout Service Unit Director, i learned that if you ask volunteers to do something you need to have something for them to do and then you need to let them do it!

hugs to all!