Stage 3a or 2b It was cancer

jennifer1

Two doctor staged at 2b and crazy doctor at stage 3.  I had it contained in a cyst which was not totally cancer and the cyst was 2 inches.  However to anyone dont let them call a cyst just a cyst, could have taken care of this the year before.  The only reason it was caught was because on the other side I had a very small spot and they checked both.  It was encased however managed to get 4 nodes.

My doctor was great, serious, well read and up to date on everything.  Didnt have much of a sense of humor however we will take the other stuff.  Both the cancer center and the doctor told me they were going to be out of  a job in a few years, that this will be cured.  Lets hope.

Did all the chemo and rad  and taking tamoxifen (3rd pill) and hate it too.  I am so depressed.  Take meds for that too , dont work.  Gave up all my friends , cant seem to move on.  Had cellutitus, le and they got this machine that reminds me everyday of what I had.  Sometimes breasts feel like little rocks and neck hurts (of course I have cancer there) just wont get it checked.  If I go to bingo or casino the le acts up (waiting on new sleeve).

What this is about is I am so jealous of all of you, you have moved on and seem happy (by the way my dx was 2010) messed that up too.  I want the "happy", how long did it take you to get there. 

This is a little venting, sorry

karen1956

Jennifer...don't be so hard on yourself....this is a hard journey.....I was Dx 3 years before you (02/03/2006) and I am not back to who or where I was pre BC.....we all get through this (some better than others) at different paces.....I still struggle.....and not sure that I have moved on.....well I guess I have in some ways...but you can see I'm still her at bco...here almost daily.....Its just one day at a time....(((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

BarbaraA

I am not back either. Hugs, pal!!

jacee

Life is just plain different now. For the first time in my 28 years of marriage I didn't put up a Christmas tree or decorate the house at all. Some of my family was worried, but it was very "freeing" to allow myself to not do that...and lo and behold Christmas happened anyway:)  I didn't like that I just wasn't into it this year, but it was OK. I feel much better now.

I am thankful for every day, but it's not always easy. It may seem as if everyone else has "moved on" , but believe me....you can hide alot pain, emotions, etc behind all these words we write. I suppose that's the beauty of this place, but there are so many here who can genuinely relate to what you are going through. 

I thank God that His mercies are new every single morning!! Hugs!

jennifer1

Thank you

pupfoster1

(((Jennifer)))),

We all get it and have been where you are now.  I am struggling with pain and the wondering "what if's" right now but did push for some scans which will take place next week.  It sucks.  No way around it, but as they say, life goes on.  I am seeing a therapist (whom I'm not quite sure is going to be a terrific match yet, but willing to give it a shot) and I would highly suggest you find one too.  At the very least a cancer (if possible bc) support group.  You need to be with people like us.  Somewhere safe where you can vent in person and get that immediate acknowlegement and feedback.

There is no time frame for "normal" for me anymore.  Some days I feel good and some I don't.  Unfortunately lately I've had more bad than good, and I know a lot of that is because of the unknowns.  You've been down a rough road Jennifer.  Give yourself a break and don't be too hard on yourself.  I hope your doc is right about them going out of business soon.  Wouldn't that be great?

In the meanwhile if you are worried about something, get it checked out!!!!!  And see if you can find a group to attend.  We'll be here for you too, so post away!

Love,

Sharon

jennyboog

I'm sorry you're so down Jennifer....I was dx in 2010 also, so I'm right with you.  I am by no ways, happy in the terms you may think.  Yes, I'm happy to still be here, but my life is different now and will be always probably.  I have a 5 & 3 year old so I have no choice most of the time, I do it for them.  I'm still struggling and I don't think BC is something you get over over-night if your able to at all.  I still fear aches and pains, I still cry sometimes when I look at my chest and I still have trouble being around people at times.  I can count on my hand how many times me and DH have been together since all this started, I'm 35 and he's 40....it isn't suppose to be like this.  So, you are not alone...don't be jealous of me, I may be in worse shape than you!

Anonymous

Jennifer, you are not unique or alone in how you feel.  Speaking for myself, BC is something that I have yet to get over.  I found the lump during the Christmas holidays in December 2008, and since the BC diagnosis Jan of the New Year in 2009, nothing in my life has been the same.  My whole mental and emotional outlook is so different now because of all that BC has forced me to face head on. Life is no longer pain free or care free anymore.  My energy levels have totally changed and declined since surgery and treatment.  Fear of it coming back is an everyday thought for me.  I too have had some family members and friends distance themselves from me since the diagnosis.  I guess that's a common reaction by some people in our lives.  Tho I live with the awareness of my BC experience on a daily basis, it seems everyone in my life has forgotten and assumes BC is over for me.  But it will never be over. I will never be the same, my life will never be the same, and tho I refuse to define myself  by it, I will be physically and emotionally  working to overcome this diagnosis as far as it being the giant elephant in my own personal life.  I have found that tho I have always looked and felt much younger than my years, I no longer find this to be true.  I was diagnosed at 59,  I am now 62 and feel that BC has aged me enought to make me feel my age and older now.  But the one thing good that has come out of this is that I've had this Stage III forum to share my feelings and know that I am understood. Sometimes I feel jealous too of some of the physical accomplishments that some of the women here are able to achieve.  But some women are more able to, and that's ok.  I feel each one of us have accomplished much.  And so have you.  It's ok to feel angry or hard on yourself sometimes.  It's allowed and ok to vent .

Barb

Anonymous

Shanagirl:  OMG you are almost the same DX as me.  Was diagnosed two weeks after you in 1/09 and you hit it spot on as far as how we still feel about this beast. We will never be the same, and it ticks me off when people call us "survivors".  Not because we don't have a reason to be optimistic, but because bc takes a toll on us in every aspect, physically, emotionally, mentally and we will be changed forever.  Plus I'm a huge worrier, so this has made life much too "real".   

She

It does get easier as time passes.  I started this journey at 42 15.5 years ago.  Here I am, three primaries, chemo, rads and finally a BMX/DIEP later and life is great!  I'm travelling the world.  I have arm, breast and truncal LE and I refuse to let it slow me down.  I'm trying to lose the extra 30# I packed on laying in bed for 3 months recovering from DIEP two years ago.  I wore a bathing suit this week and didn't I meet another survivor in the ocean!

None of us chose to get BC and we couldn't control that.  What we can control is how we react to it.  I chose not to let BC take more than what it forced me to give.  Sure, I have some blue moments, who doesn't.  But I refuse to let the life altering experience of BC kick me around any further.  My choice:  Put my big girl panties on and start to live with gusto.  I only have one go around so I'm goin'!

We women are a tough bunch.  We may get a little weepy but you know, in the thousands of women I've met online or in person during my race, I only know of two who landed in the 'blue room'.

We all get back in our own way and our own time. You will too.  In the meantime, be kind to yourself and eat chocolate!

Linda-n3

She is right about the chocolate!!! 

Jennifer, I know exactly how you feel about being jealous - I was just beginning to feel really healthy and able to take on the world when I was diagnosed (also 2010) - I had spent 3 years in constant pain from rotator cuff syndrome and was finally done with it, getting back to outdoors activities, etc.  So 2010 was difficult with lumpectomy & chemo, never recovered from the chemo, had recurrence about 6 months after chemo, so had no choice but MX (so I chose BMX as I am NOT doing THAT again!!!), still have pain, severe fatigue, depression, crying, insomnia - am just plain jealous of those that are out training for marathons or half marathons or teaching aerobics classes.... but I am realizing that each day I find a couple more little things to enjoy - watching the birds outside my kitchen window, having "coffee" with my friend from 1000 miles away (great phone catch-up!), checking my niece's blog from her semester abroad, preparing lectures for my students and grading their papers - all very much sedentery, but still things I enjoy.  No, I won't be making the cross-England hike this summmer that I had wanted to do with DH because I don't have the strength or stamina and am in too much pain.  But we will have a nice vacation together, and I will enjoy those "moments of grace" that a warm sunny day brings, a cup of tea in bed, a cat curled up on my lap.

Barb, your comments are excellent!  Thanks!

So Jennifer, be kind to yourself.  Come here for support.  We understand that each of us recovers at a different rate, and jealousy takes too much energy to sustain us.  Lots of ((((hugs))))!

MRDRN

Hi there,

I rarely come to these boards anymore.  Every once in a while though I need to "check in" and feel like I read other stories that I own too !  I was ONLY stage 1 and am in awe of the wonderful ladies on this board, yes a strong bunch.  It is so inspiring to read (SHE you are amazing!) and I got to say that for all you have been through, it is not uncommon to feel the way you do !  I am trying to learn how to live with chronic pain, or is it?  So I decided to finally take that "arthritis" water exercise class that I poo-pooed and guess what?  I found out that it worked every single muscle I own!!!  In other words, I am reading less, (for me) and doing more!  So far I can tell a huge difference.  The key is do you want to feel better!?  Of course you do so make an action plan and get a buddy and stick to it! Good Luck !!!  Let us know how it is going.

jennifer1

I have been reading the boards and it seems like many women survive this and do move on.  I have resigned myself to tamoxifen, in fact after reading scared not to take it.  It will take a long time to put bc in its proper place.  My onco says its cured and we most likely will not see this cancer back however that doesnt mean I am free of ever getting another cancer.  The grade was low and that was a blessing I guess.  When do I quit taking each little pain and turning it into something.  Since I didnt have breasts removed the le and cellutitus are a reminder but they are not cancer.  I am really interested in the lympnode transplant surgery but it seems a little new.  This is moving on for me, thanks for your replies