still feel angry sometimes

fredntan

I guess its the holidays making me feel this way again. 

But lately again I'm having trouble getting through some things that just burn the shit out of me.

1-that doc that did the mammo/US in oct 09-I had abnormal mammo and came back for repeat with US-he was looking right at the GD BC. he said it was fine. He wrote on mammo report fibroglandular tissue-never put a needle in it. and the the next year. I switched to different facility. another doc noted it on mammo-fibroglandular tissue unchanged. I got the letter in mail that my mammo was good. then I felt the lump in july'11.

 2-I've been a nurse for 20 years. I always treat my patients with respect and try and go the extra mile for them. I always try and advocate for them. I feel angry about the way I was treated at the hosp during my mammo. I know it was only 1 night. I didn't go there for the nursing care. I went for the doc. she got good clean margins and thats all that really matters. I came out fine. I complained big time to the hosp when it happened. but now its made me very distrustful of med people. I don't even trust the docs in my home town to read my scans anymore. 

3-I'm just beginning to realize I'll probably never be the nurse that I was. My PT person said I can't lift anything over 10 lbs-due to the axillary node removal and risk of LE. Is this really true? That means I wouldn't really be able to take care of patients in my dept. We have to pull patients over to exam tables/push stretchers-pushing stretchers is usually easy if they have stearing, but a lot of ours have stearing that is broken.

sometimes I feel like why me? why doesn't everyone else go through this crap. Do I not see there crap? everyone has crap they go through. We also have a dd that was dx with type 1 diabetes 6 years ago, one dd broke her leg very badly a few years ago.

I guess I probably need to talk to therapist and try to take those pills for depression they prescribed and to try and get on with my life.  My DH and I just celebrated 24 yrs. Its not always been easy. We've fought, but we've stayed together. Being dx has made me realize how much he truly loves me. I'm so lucky to have someone that loves me so. thats not easily found

Thanks for letting me get that out. I'm going to take walk and stop feeling sorrry for myself 

Layla2525

Fredntan,,,you have a right to your feelings, you have a right to be angry or sad,you dont wanna stay there forever, but you have a right to feel that way, I am mad as h--l, i ate right, I exercised, I loved and gave everyone the second chance while lots of ladies in my office were bitchy and ate boxes of fried chicken everyday and havent exercised since Kennedy was president but they didnt get cancer,i  did and its not fair and I am furious with the universe!! My mom; side had her with ovarian cancer, and her 3 sisters with breast cancer. Her sister that was treated in Germany and Italy and some in the US in the 1960s for breast cancer with the horrid Halsted method and then it came back again in the other breast again treated and no recon was offered in those days. She got divorced and remarried and recently passed away of old age in her 90s!! We have a chance to live rich full lives after treatment and I hope that someday I will feel happy again but as I sit here facing surgery as soon as the holidays are over...I feel very mad and sad and scared...but thats normal and I dont think I will always feel this way. I love and admire and greatly respect all these ladies who have shared their hearts with us on this website and hope with all my heart that they will recover and be in the utmost health and live long and prosperous and deliriously happy lives.

diana50

hi fran

i see you are not even 6 months out from diagnosis; i wonder if you are still dealing with after effects of treatment?  your body isn't going to heal from the trauma of diagnosis and treatment in a few months...it is a long process.  i think feeling the way you do makes sense; i had a friend tell me..."have the pity party...just don't stay there"  when i was diagnosed.  i think the range of emotions we struggle with are pretty normal....and from my experience we get better and better at feeling them and working through.

talking to a therapist may really important; having a safe place where you can talk about the things you need to talk about with someone who listens and can offer some ways of dealing. maybe even for a few months would be helpful. 

i had my nodes removed and have not had any problems with LE.  i work out; i cycle...walk...lift things...i did the exercises they recommended after the surgery and still continue to stretch the area. i think recovery from that surgery is different for each of us; but to let you know not everyone ends up with LE> 

 is it too soon to realize that you will never be the nurse you used to be?  maybe in another 6 months you may feel a little differently. 

 feel better; things will change as more time passes* hang in there.

diana

wallycat

Thre is no justificaton necessary for feeling angry or cheated when you are dealt the cancer card.  I still have moments of bitterness and anger---I am human.

I will say that my mammograms had been clear even when we knew the cancer was there.  The ultrasound was clean and the physical exam was unexceptional. I kept saying I just had bad dreams about this and my gut feel was something was not right.  I still think my cancer must have been there for 7-8 years and I had glimmers of insight I should have insisted on more tests.

I am so sorry you endured such horrible and unreliable care.  We always assume that people in the health care field know people that we can count on and that we know how to advocate for ourselves, being medical professionals.  Clearly this needs to be spoken of more often--that insisting on better check ups or tests or biopsies are our right and not at the whim of a doctor on staff.  I've worked with many doctors as well and this shows how differently they all approach a condition/situation.  We must be our own advocates.  Knowing that....what has already transpired cannot be undone.  THAT has been the hardest for me.  I too ate well, exercised, had a perfect BMI, blah, blah, blah...and my twin sister is overweigh, eats junk, rarely exercises and is cancer free (which I hope she never has to face).  Bitterness and anger and envy all reared their ugly heads.  At some point, I started to slowly accept what is and not dwell on what might have/could have been. I think you should be gentle with yourself and give yourself some time.

Happy Holidays.

BlueCowgirl

Good luck all, edited previous post because it sucked.

jennyboog

I'm sorry Fran, the same thing happened to me.  I had a baseball in my boob, did the mammo, was told I had calcium deposits in that breast and none in the other, I had no family hx was 34 so I was fine.  I knew deep in my gut it was something.  It was 2 mths later before I was dx. by then I had developed IBC and that's probably why I made it to a "C".  I know exactly how you feel, I felt angry and let down by an industry I am suppose to trust.  It taught me to be my own advocate though and to listen to my gut.  Even though I'm only a year ahead of you the healing process continues but does get better with time.  All those emotions have to be processed and those bad days come in and out like waves.  Hoping you feel better soon.

fredntan

Thanks for all your responses. It feels better just getting it out again.

Merry christmas everyone

Momine

I get your anger. I am also blessed with a good husband, and I am certainly happy to be alive, but the whole arm/LE issue is killing me right now, and I am looking at never being able to walk my dogs again.

You are not feeing sorry for yourself, sometimes it is necessary to acknowledge that a lot of this stuff seriously sucks, even if the alternative sucks more. 

seacretgardn

How can one not be angry? Or question why? I know there is incredible suffering in the world and I try to accept what is happening. I know in so many ways I am so blessed. I don't have a husband here like so many do, but am blessed with 2 daughters, who I now will be worried sick over. Fortunately, their father who has his own health issues, has been a great support. My parents and family. It hurts so much to see them hurting.



At the moment, I don't know what to do. I have had such a heavy period for 3 days, I may need to go to the ER. (my last period other than one brief spotting was over a year ago) .



I also feel some weird pain in my neck on the port side.



I'm sorry to burden you with my worries, but I trust you all and look to you for comfort and support more than you know.

mimi791

Hi Fran:

 I am 2.5 years out and still have days I want to kick the crap out of the universe.  I managed three therapy practices and am not sure what research your therapist is citing after the mastectomy and RX, but I ride my horse, do pilates and play golf, all without incident and my saddle deffo weighs more than 10 lbs.  I do take a cart now playing golf, or my rolling bag thingy if it's nine holes. It is really important to try to find a therapist who specializes in BC patients if you can, because normal therapy training does not teach a lot here.  I can vacuum, not that I want to mind you, and get manicures.  Most recent studies show that women who do regular exercise have less lymphedema not more.  Now, I don't suggest  moving furniture for days, my friend did that and she did get it.  If you arent angry or sad once in a while, I think you are stuck in denial.  Every once in a while I still wake up and say WTF happened?  Did I really have cancer?  Seriously??

Stay Sane,

 Mimi

Rachel1

I know how you feel. My surgeon said the lump was so nothing he wouldn't even biopsy. I then tried myofascial release on it five times to get rid of my fibrocystic breast tissue.  Then I started having horrible dreams in which my two good friends who died from bc over 20 years ago kept showing up. I then insisted the surgeon remove it.  HELLO..... I'm sure that my having myofascial release pushed it into the lymph nodes. Somedays I think about bringing a law suit against that dr. for malpractice.  I also feel like my friends saved me. They kept showing up in dreams until they got my attention.  Weird, I know.  What really bites is that there are so many of us with this same story!! Why??!!!

Had to laugh, Mimi -- I also wake up saying WTF happened. Did this really happen? Heck, I was one of those thin, eat right, breast fed, exercise people who when you factored in all the protective lifestyle choices had a minus 200% chance of developing bc. Of course, that was before I knew I was brca 2+ (which my university oncs. didn't want to check for because I was 50 at dx and heck that's too old for a brca mutation). Hmmm...there's another theme...some of us were told we were too young for bc others too old for testing. 

Right there with you.

Hugs,

Rachel 

IllinoisNancy

I agree with all of you.  When I went for my checkups with my Oncologist, Ob/GYN and radiologist they told me it was scar tissue from radiation.  Then I had my mammogram and it was absolutely perfect.  Finally on the same day, I saw my BS and she took one look and said "It's Back!!"  ILC is so sneaky and hids very well.  It has to break thru to my skin before anyone confirmed my fears.  I wish I could go to MDA but it is too far from northern IL.  I think the doctors there are better educated and understand all the different types of breast cancer.  I told my husband that if BC visits me again for a third time we will pack up the car and start driving to Houston. 

I hope you are all having a good Christmas!

Nancy

Outfield

Fran,

I was diagnosed with Stage III in 6/2010 and I only feel like I'm just beginning to get used to the fear and the anger, which is mostly at myself.  I can't blame anyone for delays in diagnosis other than me not doing self-exams every month.

I really strongly suggest checking out the Lymphedema discussion board here, a website called "Step-Up, Speak-Out" (there are links all over the Lymphedema discussion boards) for more information about lymphedema.  I HAVE lymphedema and I dont have a 10-pound lifting limit.  Even when a person actually has lymphedema, it's individual, like the cancer itself, and you figure out what works and doesn't work for you.   

O. 

fredntan

Nancy-We flew with Corporate Angels for my sx/bx's at Sloan Kettering. my insurance said I could go, that it was in my network. flights were free/and very very nice. Imagine corporate jet. got good deals through the website-MSK-with hotel discounts. was pain traveling. Now when I think of NYC I think of cancer. sucks

I'm seeing a LE specialist in Feb-kind of tired of going to appts now-Well that is a relief that I can lift patients/push strethers. Being a nurse is what I was.

Maybe somehow this is Gods paln(I'm Agnostic) to make me a better nurse-sure do wish he'd pick on some of the others out there.