Need kick up arse

Jjt

I'm not really looking for an answer cos I know there isn't one, but starting to feel a bit overwhelmed by this rollercoaster with it's insane highs and lows...suppose I just need to hear from people who understand but don't want to stress my family as I feel I have a responsibility to be the 'strong' one, which I don't mind most of the time.



My mum was diagnosed with stage iv bc in may, having been ill (chronic back pain which we now know was the cancer spread to her bones) for months before her diagnosis. Anyway, she's now in a wheelchair doe to the effects of the bone cancer. The last 7 months have opened my eyes to so much, a lot of which I have to say has been good (Docs, carers who see her every day, having fun family events etc), and in many ways she's rediscovered life which I am unbelievably grateful for. Cancer up to now has almost been irrelevant in many ways, and I feel lucky that besides the initial pain and her immobility which she is seeing a physio to try to improve...but the last couple of months i've let fear creep into my brain, and I'm so scared of losing her. Sometimes I feel like the adult I am, and at others I feel like a helpless toddler again who doesn't want her to ever leave me. I'm not jealous of other people, if anything I think people should grab all the happiness they can, but I'm so sad I'll never be able to go on holiday with her, or even do simple things like go for a walk together. I don't mean this to sound like a 'woe is me' post, spose I just need a virtual kick to ignore things that don't matter and focus on the good from people who understand. I want to make sure this is the best Christmas ever, and not because of cancer just because I know life and good times matter.

annodnnyl

It's ok to be scared, and it's ok to cry, scream, slam cupboards, the works.  I am not happy about my Dad having bc, my Mom had it twice, and I never met my Dad's mom, she died when he was little from it.   It's overwhelming, unfair and has no rules.   I am to the snapping point at times, but, I am the oldest now and have to "be the one"  I am single and have no one right now to help me through, so I get what you are feeling.  Prayer helps me, but sometimes, like right now, God just tells me to let go, so I am, crying and typing at the same time.  Good luck, God be with you and your Mom. 

Jjt

Thanks, and I'm so sorry you are suffering too. Spose one of the hardest things for me to deal with is knowing that there's no bargaining with cancer, it is what it is and you are utterly helpless in controlling what it does next. I'm not angry with it as such, just totally fed up with having no control and an so sad that my mum (54) will prob never walk again, and that every little trip or excursion has to be planned to the nth degree. I know cancer doesn't discriminate, but I hate what it has and will take away from me. I really don't know how to cope when things start really declining and am so scared I'll just crumble. I know it's important to enjoy the good times, but it's getting more and more difficult for me to not try to steel myself for the bad. I know that's not the way it works, but feels like I'm constantly on an emotional see-saw - and I hate that I have to be strong with the one person I want to share my fears with. It's an honour to look after my mum and we've made some good memories, but I can't pretend that I don't hate how cancer has destroyed the way thing were

SheChirple

Jtj: I am so sorry for your loss. It is a loss.  Mother has not passed, but you have lost the woman she used to be and can't help but anticipate that final loss.

Last year, 10/14/2010, my mother suffered a stroke from which she never recovered and passed away 1/10/2011.  I was dealing with her loss quite well, I think.  Then, on 10/14/011, one year to the day, I was diagnosed.  It hit me hardest when I suddenly realized that the person I normally relied on the most, my mother, was not here to help me through this.

In my opinion, it is okay to have those "whoa is me" moments.  This is your mother.  It hurts you to see her going through this.  The reality of her inevitable fate becomes so real that it hurts.  

You don't have to be the strong one.  I'm sure your mother would want you to lean on her, even through her own illness. It's how we mother's are. Please don't hide your fears from your mother.  If she is anything like my mother, and every mother I know, she will want to be your comfort right up to and through everything.  If you do not share your fears with her, the irrational mind of a cancer patient (and sometimes we have irrational minds) may feel that you either a) do not get the seriousness of her condition, or b) don't care enough to be scared for her or yourself.

As a mother of 4, I'm just saying, that is how I might feel.  My 29 y/o son acts as though nothing is wrong.  I mean, he asks how I'm doing, and checks on me.  But, it is sort of casual.  When my husband came down a little hard on him about his apparent lack of caring, he admitted he was scared and didn't want me to see how scared he was.  As a mom, for some reason, that made me feel better.  I don't want him to hurt, but in a selfish way, I needed to know that he cared.

(( HUGS)) This whole thing sucks.

lovemyfamilysomuch

Feel what you feel--jtj.  You are going through it and try not to judge your own feelings--they are what they are.  Sendinglove to you and support.  You are a wonderful daughter and Iknow your mom is proud of you! xo

Jjt

Thanks for both your replies, both are very helpful. I didn't realise before, but I suppose I am being a bit too judging and analytical about how I feel, prob because I feel a responsibility to act a certain way with my family. Some of them are struggling with things, and I know I have to be there for them too. I'm not acting around my mum at all, I'm pretty honest with her but there's no denying in a lot of ways the parent-child roles have reversed to an extent. E.g. She won't be able to reach the oven/hobs to make Christmas dinner so that will be done by me, which I don't mind at all but is obv symbolic in a lot of ways. Don't get me wrong, she's still (and always will be) very much my mum, but I can't deny the constant shift from acting like her child, to mothering her doesn't affect me at times. I enjoy doing things for my family and want to keep helping, but have just felt a bit overwhelmed recently which is making me grumpy and resentful with some people. Think a holiday'll
help...2011 has been like a tidal wave for me (grandad died of cancer in feb which obv affected the family, then my mum, job losses in family etc and various other stresses have happened) and I just want to see the back of it now!