maybe I need help...

MyMomsAdvocate

I was wondering if anyone had any recommendations when it comes to finding a counselor/psychiatrist/psychologist to talk to.  My mom has TN Stage IV BC.  We are on our 4th drug (Havalan) and the doctor's say that if this chemo drug doesn't work, then it will be very tough to find one that does since her cancer seems to be chemo resistant. 

I am her daughter (27).  She and her husband moved in with me when we got the dx.  I have always been the strong one, the fixer, the rescuer of the family.  I am the oldest of three girls.  While my mother and husband live with me, my boyfriend does as well.  I have gotten to the point where I can't seem to get out of the bed in the morning without that overwhelming feeling of doom.  All I would like to do is cry and block everyone out.  My relationship with my boyfriend is suffering and he has told me that he will not continue to be my punching bag, and has threatened to leave if I do not get help.  I don't know where to turn to.  I'm lashing out at someone I love very much and it's just because I am so angry at this disease and what it has done to my mother.  This stupid, fucking disease.  I'm so angry!  There's nothing I can do about it.  I've prayed and prayed and we have not seen any results.  I feel as if I'm losing my faith in God, and just my hope and faith in general.  How do you come back from that point?  I should be celebrating that she is still here, she can still walk, and talk to me, but I can't seem to stay positive.

 So my question tonight is this -- is anyone going through something similar?  Any advice on what sort of mental health doctor to see for this?  I've tried medication but ended up walking around like a drone. Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated.  Really I'm just hoping to find someone to tell me I'm not crazy, or find someone to help me get back to myself before this...

thefuzzylemon

You are not crazy sweetie...and I left you a message on the other thread....as I sit in the hospital with a very sick mama....

thriceblessed

Check out cancercare.org - free support groups and counseling by oncology social workers  - for caregivers too

ldlevy

You aren't crazy at all... you just love your mom and you're scared. I also left you a reply on the other thread. Whatever happens... you'll pull through this. If you love your boyfriend then lean on him as much as you can but realize that he is living through this too. I have lashed out at my husband in the past. It's hard not to be angry and devastated but try every day not to misdirect that anger. I hope your mother responds to this chemo. Don't give up hope. 

Best wishes for you and your family.

Laura 

Megadotz

Michelle,

*hugs* Being a caregiver is very stressful, we all want to make things better and sometimes its not within our reach.   You are not alone and you are not crazy.  

Cancercare.org is a great resource that has a phone line with onocology social workers answer calls for folks dealing with cancer  including caretakers and loved ones.

Here's a link for caretaker support in the DC metro (DC/MD/VA) area:

http://www.dccancerconsortium.org/support/index.html#caregiver

 There's a lot involved with taking of your mom, I'm glad you're going to take care yourself too.

All the best,

Meg 

sas-schatzi

Michelle, I've gone through what you are going through several times--------it all sucks. First a counselor the BC center should have counselors that they can refer you too. Three types, Psychiatrist-----they mostly want to prescribe drugs and talk (drugs more than talk). Psychologists that do lots of written testing and they talk, but only go with someone highly recommended. Licensed psychiatric Social workers, testing , but concentration is on talk therapy---if drugs are need your PCP can prescribe based on LCSW recommendation.

 My choice was the LCSW---why b/c as a nurse I didn't want drugs, I needed to vent with someone who gave me absolute attention , wasn't concentrating on drugs. Whatever he suggested my PCP did.

Now you need to bring your two siblings into the situation. You can't be made wholly responsible for what is going on. If they don't want to be involved, Have a family meeting, lay down the law. Everyone is involved or you are walking away. This is inclusive of your parents. Everyone has to take some responsibility----not just you. The family has no right to make you the center person for everything . Make a list and give everyone assignments. Tell them they haven't a choice about. Get involved or get out and stay out. Your dad needs to be involved too. He doesn't get off scot free b/c he's a male used to being waited on by his wife. There are numerous duties he can perform. My Guess is you are trying to work at the same time.

This is a time to say to the whole family--- Folks this is not going to happen. I will not let you be selfish.They may claim all kinds of things---husbands, children, work, soccer practice---------DUH your Mom is terminal TN is that what you are saying.

I was the fixer too. I get it. There can be a different translation to the fixer that you may have not thought about. You are the one in the family everyone dumps on and assumes you will make it okay. Put it in that prospective and you will see my point. They dance away-----no work, they play, lay everything on you.

Your words tell that's what's going on. The only way to FIX this is demand their help. Tell them all , if you don't get help you will seek nursing home placement.  That almost always makes them stand up and fly right. Your father actually ought to be in charge of the family meeting.  But apparently has abbrogated any responsibility in this situation. But at least get him to try. I'm guessing your parents are in their 50's ? Even if they are in their 60's------2 younger siblings can't make them much older than this.  If someones in college ---they may have to interrupt that for a semester or two. Tough. If your parents moved in with you, it says something about there finances.? If you loose your job, then everyone looses.

Also get a social worker in asap for identification of resources available.

 I know you are exhausted  to the nth degree, overwhelmed, you need to scream. But get your self together enough to have the family meeting. If your father and sisters will not agree to help. Sign off. Tell them you are out of it. At that point , they don't scramble to be involved b/c she may be at their house. Then none of them are who you think they are. I've always said "use me don't abuse me".

Think about having mom at the meeting. Explain to her your plan to get them involved. See what she says. If she doesn't give you support. Thus saying to everyone, you need to help. You will flounder and in the process loose your semi-mate.

I've used a tough approach here, but your words say you are drowning. Now's the time to get tough with everyone. You are one of five, and may be an extended family that can help. Your family will take advantage of you as long as you let them.

Take the reins and pull them in and bring this to a halt. If you've ever had to do this with a horse at a gallop you know what I mean. Once did this with a horse ------Had I not used everything in my body to rein him in , he would have run right into a drainage canal. It was no jumping situation. We both would have been dead or severely broken. Visualize yourself, you are heading towards, that drainage canal. The fix is to stop the gallop.

 Dear one, so sorry you have to experience this. Please read all the pinned threads under "Just diagnosed" I have one it's about practical stuff.  "Just diagnosed -get prepared".  I'm not on the boards on a regular basis anymore. Trying to wean away. But PM and I'll answer.I have added you to favorite topics so you will come up on my list. 

 May all that you believe in spiritually sustain you until the situation is further under control. If you have no spiritual beliefs, try finding some quickly. There are multiple threads, here under spirituality forum. Your spirit is at a crossroads. How ever you calm your inner self, please try.

Michelle-----Namaste------the translation is I SALUTE THE GOD WITHIN YOU...... sheila

barbe1958

Michelle, I respect the other posters and am not arguing a point, but therapy takes time. It sounds like you have reached a crisis point! It takes a week or two for your body to get used to some of the new meds. You also need to find the right drug and the right dose. More time!! I think a new med would be your quickest band-aid at this point while you seek out talk therapy. I find my RSW is enough for me. I just need a place to vent and be angry. Him being a male also helps as I can think of him as representing my docs and DH.

Tme. You are in a crunch period right now. I suggest a chemical intervention before you lose the man you need the most in your life! He can see what you're going through and must know your stress so he doesn't need to be dumped on. It's just too much for him. BUT, you need to get the anger out and that's where a social worker is great!

Good luck, sweetie!

dogeyed

MICHELLE, I have received tons of psych help over the years, so I'll try to give you a couple tips, and I also agree with one of the posters here, SAS, who suggested at the cancer center your Mom goes to, if she does, they always have a social worker or counselor of some kind there, go on over there and inquire.  Other tips are usually in most towns they'll have a state-run psych clinic, where they'll have a bunch of psychologists there, you can make an appointment and see someone there... I should think for you, the first couple weeks you might need to go in three times a week, and then after that on an as-needed basis.  Another tip is also in most towns they'll have a county-run health department that will have psychologists on the staff, cost is low, you can usually be seen as a walk-in.  A good psychologist will be able to let you vent, and then they offer an objective view of your situation and ideas of how to handle things for you.  This is invaluable.  We can get in so deep, we DO need someone to help us out of the ditch we find ourselves in.

As for medication, and this is strictly my opinion, everyone sees things diff, I think you did the right thing to not take that stuff.  I have been on every psych medicine known to man, and in the end, it is time and talk that makes us better.  Of course, I must say that when I wound up with panic disorder from a car accident, went thru A YEAR of therapy, SO LONG, and STILL had to take drugs for it, but I mention it only as a comparison, it's when you're really lost and frozen in fear that you might need medicine.  But in your case, hey, you are just SO frustrated, so sad, and simultaneously MAD AS HECK, well, those emotions are hard to square with this being your mother and all. 

So, good idea to see someone, hopefully they can help you.  In the meantime, I agree with SAS again, that disease is a team sport, and the one thing that will throw us into deep depression is anger and frustration, and that comes from trying too hard to do the right thing.  Child, you can only do what you can do, and after that, you need to seek not only the help with your own feelings, but getting other family to pick up the slack and give you a break!  Also, get outside as much as possible, walking around with your boyfriend in a park or even just the neighborhood in early evening, will ground you, get you away from the situation, help you relax. GG

MyMomsAdvocate

Thank you all for your words of encouragement.  I have gotten so wrapped up in this I think I may have forgotten to take care of myself.  I will be scheduling an appointment with someone the cancer center can recommend.  I don't think I will go the medication route, as I did that once before and it seemed to just be a band aid for me.  I want to be able to feel what is going on, and the medications they had tried me on before seem to make me walk around like a drone.  I just want to feel somewhat normal again.  I NEED to feel somewhat normal.

barbe1958

Michelle, glad to know you have made a decision. But please know, if you ever find yourself "on the ledge" that medical intervention can help you get back to the ground. You do not need to suffer through this, and I like the way you want to feel what is going on. Good call.

MyMomsAdvocate

Thank you barbe-- I'm hoping to be able to find myself again through this whole mess...

barbe1958

Ah yes, the old "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger....", right??? This IS a good time to find yourself because the 'true you' really does come out in a crisis! Please let us know every once in a while how you and your Mom are doing. We do care.

lredman

Michelle:This sucks big time but I will share a little about my story.FirstI I lost a spouse to BC about 16 yrs ago,this left me with 4 kids to raise,soon I remarried and got 2 more kids,now in 2010 that partner got BC, within the last 2weeks cancer has gone to stage 4.To complicate matters i have a pregnant single 29yr old stepdaughter moving home both to support her mom and have baby.When you talk about anger and dealing with boyfriend it struck a note with me,there are days when i am so angry that the first guy who cuts me off in traffic i am afraid I might kill .So how do we get thru this maze of BS and still be of use to others and ourselves.I have started seeing a psychologist but declined drugs,I have a support group that i attend and all this helps but basically I try to live one day at a time and not fast forward or else i get really screwed up,this isnt a warm fuzzy time in our lives but we can make with help of others,stick with those who listen to you and let the rest go.My heart goes out to you because being there before i kind of know the script but cant change it,exercise works if you can do it,be kind to yourself.feel free to private message any time,God bless

Lyle

Jodycat

Do make sure you get exercise and eat healthily. A brisk walk each day can really help, even if you start with 15 min a day. Try to get to 30 at least 4 times a week. Make sure you are spending time on your appearance. Get some cute things at the Christmas sales. Tending to yourself can help a great deal.



You might try keeping some fresh flowers in you home. I was given a really nice bottle of scented liquid with these sort of wood stalks in it - they draw the odor up and out into the room. Lovely smells are so cheering. Lavender is supposed to be soothing, but I might try for a scent that takes your mind away a little.



Try to do something that really takes you mind away. REGULARLY! A movie, book, bowling (?), dancing.



Your cancer center might offer yoga, massages, etc. to help.



Well, some ideas. I hope 1 or 2 help.

mrsnjband

Michelle, 

Don't beat yourself up about how you are feeling. Being the care giver is hard.  I've been there when my DH had cancer with 2 recurrances. Then I get sick and he had to go through the same thing. Others have given you great advice.  I sure if you ask one of your mom's doctor you find a someone who you can you.  I had to have a few counseling sessions myself.  I was reluctant to go but it really did help. It won't make all those feelings go away but at least to can vent to them instead of at your family. Feel free to come here to vent as well.  NJ