The BC excuse

jennyboog

I'm dealing with something and I'm calling on my gals to help me work it out   Has anyone else felt frozen in life after they finished tx. let me explain....

I went on leave without pay during chemo, we moved and I've been out of work for a year now.  I want to go back and then again I don't want to.  I want something "more"...if that makes sense.  I don't know if I can be satisfied doing what I use to do and it could be stressful at times so that scares me.  Did the stress from my job contribute to my BC if so, I don't want to go back to it but then again no job will come without stress.  If I knew I would develop mets then I don't want to go back because I want to spend that time with my girls.  But that's something we don't know and I can't sit around and wait to see if that happens.  I use to love my job and was good at it, I'm scared I won't be able to keep up the fast pace anymore either.  I do want to do something, to not go back to work makes me feel like BC won but I also appreciate life more now and see my world doesn't need to revolve around work like it did before.  In the mean time my poor DH is working a second job so I could have the convience of not working during chemo.  I have gone through the motions of trying to get my job back but not sure my heart or self-esteem is all there.  And to be honest I'm happy they've not called me...how terrible am I.  I don't want BC to rule my life and I don't want to use it as an excuse but I don't know how to stop it.  I know, I know just stop it...I wish it was that easy.  Am I the only BC weirdo?

diana50

no, you are not a BC weirdo.  i remember clearly, afraid to make plans....afraid to return to work...afraid to get a new kitten....all because i was afraid i would end up with more cancer.  i was seeing the onc every three months and back then, i was living tthree months at a time.  it took me awhile to wrap my head around the reason i was so afraid,

well, somewhere along the line; i realized that this is just life.  i can't plan for or not more more cancer; like i can't plan for any other bad thing...or good thing for that matter....in the future.

what helped me was when i realized that...no matter what happens down the line; I WILL DEAL WITH IT LIKE I ALWAYS HAVE DEALT WITH THINGS....including cancer....etc.  it helped melet go of waiting for the other shoe to drop....which it hasn't. 

i think just realizing that you already have done this.....weren't planning on it when it occurred...and know you have gone through this.  it is a matter of not getting too far ahead of yourself and letting the fear rule your life.  i ended up getting a kitten and have since adopted another cat.  i take trips...do things for my future.  once i went back to work; i realized that once again, if cancer returns...i will know what to do and will do what i need to do...if that happens. 

 this is all an adjustment and working through..and a process as time passes.  hang in there,

you are stronger then you know.

diana

clariceak

You are having a completely normal response to a life altering event.  Maybe this is a dumb question in this economy, but are there are other jobs that appeal to you that would allow you more time with your girls and be less stressful? 

I've struggled with how to live my life.  Prior to bc, my dh and I were moving towards building a new house. Those plans were put on hold duirng treatment, and when I was through he kept grilling me, "Do you want to spend money on a house or go to Europe with the girls?"  I decided to go for the house.  It felt like I was cementing my hold in the future, and with with Kerry's great news on Zometa I feel like I have more time left!

Lou10

I'm relieved to hear that I'm not the only one. Prior to my diagnosis I was self-employed, part-time (because of other health problems). I thought I could work between cancer treatments but got infections and bad side effects and such, so had to walk away from the contracts I had. I live alone and have been living solely on a line of credit, which thankfully I set up prior to my diagnosis, but which is getting very large and eating away what little equity I have in my old wee delapidated home. I know I should at least ask my previous contacts to keep me in mind for future contracts, but I didn't find the work fulfilling and did find it stressful. (I feel that I should also offer to finish off one of my prior contracts for free, as it was so close to completion, but I haven't been able to bring myself to do that.) Unfortunately what I really want to do would not earn me money, at least not for quite a long time and then probably not even to live on. Do I take the risk of going deeper into debt? Then what if I have a recurrence ... I won't even have credit to fall back on. Yet I don't want to waste any more time working at sometime that doesn't fulfil me. Ugh. 

Anonymous

Jenny,  BC is a life altering event and nothing is really the same afterwards.  I often think I should have gone back to work to help out in this economy.  But honestly, the thought of working in my field again, or any committed job, exhausts me just thinking about it!  It's been awhile since I've posted but seeing your post made me feel I wanted to offer some words of encouragement to you. I have been going to physical therapy 3x a week for my knee, still walking with a cain and not feeling strong and energetic to even go back to fast walking or running.  So right now I'm sort of re-inventing myself and contemplating what I want to do.  I'm on disability. I often think how different life is since BC. But with all the changes in brings into our life, it teaches us that we were able to get thru it..............and it's ok not to go back to work It's a choice and that's what is important.  Choice is good.

jennyboog

Thanks everyone, at least I know I'm not a weirdo.  I am tired of using BC as an excuse for things, I need to get over it...as they say time heals all wounds.  I don't get disability, I didn't file, maybe I should have I qualify...funny, I don't feel disabled.  I'm not the same but not disabled, a few aches/pains but other than mentally disturbed by all this I'm good.  Maybe I could look into something part-time for now and work my way up.

Good to see you again Shanagirl....hope that knee is healing and getting better.  Good thought EJ&KJsmom, I didn't think of it like that.  I'm glad you went for the house clariceak, we bought a house while I was in chemo and I thought to myself...well at least my DH will have a nice place to raise our girls, I'm still here and enjoying decorating it   Words of wisdom, Diana & SherriG, thanks!

DCMom

Jenny,

I try not to post very often these days, but continue to be drawn to lurking. I could have written your post.  I was right at the end of finishing my Masters in Elementary Education when I was diagnosed.  After my treatments ended I had to finish a math class and then do my student teaching.  Doing my student teaching so quickly after treatment was a huge mistake, but I felt I had to complete it in order to finish my degree.  I went at it without a full commitment and it was an absolutely horrible experience.  There were days I could hardly force myself to go in.  If it had been a paid posistion I would definitely have quit.  My head and my heart just were not interested and I had this little voice in my head telling me it just didn't matter.  I know exactly what you mean by wanting  that "something more" and I have come to believe only a survivor would understand.  

Changed churches twice, found myself full of regret that I had never entered the professional world (always said I would after my kids were grown), and really felt like I hadn't accomplished much.  Fast forward three years and I am now teaching a science class in a co-op program part time.  I love working with the students and am beginning to contemplate possibly teaching full time in the future (yep starting to plan beyond this year).  And most importantly I am seeing my kids grow.  There is a light at the end of this tunnel, although it is still sometimes hard to see.  In short, don't rush going back to work if you don't have to and give yourself a break for making that choice.  You earned it! 

jennyboog

Thanks DCmom....It's nice to hear others are or have experienced what I'm talking about.  I think if I was at my old clinic (where they knew me) I'd feel better about going back.  I've never been the stay-at-home mom type and this is the first time I've had the chance to do it and I have to say I'm enjoying it.  It's hard bouncing back to the way we were and you can't force it. I do think I need some more time.

jennyboog

OMG!!! They called this afternoon....I got my job back!  Am I really ready to go back?  It's what I wanted right?  My mind is racing & I am bouncing off the walls....someone get me a beer or an Ativan!!!

cmdczc

Congratulations!  I enjoy working and being productive but my kids are older.  Relax and enjoy the options!

jennyboog

I must be a glutton for punishment....I could have filed for disability, most likely go it and sat my happy a$$ home and raised my children.  WTH have I done, I don't think I'm ready or strong enough yet.

Racy

Hi jennyboog, I am at the same place you are. I was diagnosed a couple of months after you and have not worked since. I am glad I took the time off to heal but as I have to support myself financially I know I have to go back to work.



I am in the process of organising a position with my employer to start in the new year. I am going to ease back in part time but think I should and can do this, now that I am getting to a better place emotionally and have set myself into a healthy routine. Working is 'normal' after all.



I don't intend to encounter stress.



If you have the opportunity to start part time, try it. Either way, say yes to the job offer and see how it goes. You can always reconsider if it doesn't end up meeting your needs.

jennyboog

Thanks cmdczc & racy....I feel better today.  I'm sorry about the "freak out".  I am excited to get back in the game it's just more complicated than just going back to work.  It's a long story but because I'm going back to work, I have to move my grandmother in with us, she has alzheimer's & is basically bed-bound, my mom takes care of her but I need my mom to be my nanny because there is no daycare near by.  This is the only arrangement that will work if I go back to work.  I know it will work out, my life's just about to get more complicated, that's all.  Thanks again for the encouragement.